A 14 Year Old's Short Life Inspired Me to Write This

Life is short. What is your focus?

Here in Baltimore, a local legend died last night.

Fourteen year old Mo Gaba regularly called a local radio station to talk sports after school. His passion was infectious. One day, the radio station decided to surprise him at school to do their sports talk in person.

When the radio station arrived they learned Mo was blind and had cancer. In all the conversations they had with this young boy, he never mentioned this. 

Mo lived life with such passion, and never focused on his problems. He rose to local celebrity status. He was the first blind person to announce an NFL draft from Braille. He marched in parades. The boy lived a LIFE.

His death reminds me that we never know how long we have. We can squeeze as much goodness as possible out of the time we have. No matter what we can choose joy.

I’m sitting here crying as I write this and I didn't even know the kid. Something about the fullness of his short life is sitting heavy with me this morning. Wishing I lived with more appreciation.

What has struck me is how much I take for granted. 

Take a moment right now and tune into your five senses. Notice the colors you see and how vibrant and varied they are. What smells are there in the room and do they bring up any memories? Take a sip of your coffee and notice how it tastes and feels in your mouth and the way it refreshes you. Can you hear sounds in the distance? Notice the wonders of nature or ] listen to the traffic outside. It can remind you of how amazing it is to live in a time where we have cars available for our transportation. 

How cool is it that I wrote this from my laptop in one location and you are somewhere else in the world reading my words?

The character Emily in Thornton Wilder’s play “Our Town” said it best: “Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you!”

Do any of us take a moment to appreciate what we have? And can we live a full life without appreciation? 

How would you live life if you knew your time was very limited? 

What will fill your moments? 

What will you choose to focus on?

Let Mo’s story be a reminder to live your life with passion and excitement for the things that you care about. And to focus on what brings joy even when dealing with life’s curveballs and challenges. 

Now excuse me while I go eat dessert first. 

If you’re looking for more inspiration and mindfulness, I got you covered. Receive a free meditation focused on self love right here.

In case you need encouragement today

Read till the end for a special message.

How do you react when life throws you a curveball? 

I don’t know if anyone handles this kind of thing well. When the rug gets pulled out from under me, the first reaction is usually not pretty. Here's my experience with it.

At the beginning of this year, I had a contract to write social media posts. From the beginning it was clear that I was going in a different direction from what the client had in mind. But I was open to criticism and wanted to grow my skills, so I stuck with it and adapted to what she asked me to do.

But it wasn’t working for my client, and she ended the contract. Even though I knew this was the right move, it stung. That was a steady paycheck plus quite a blow to my ego.

I cried. I blew off steam with my best friend and some margaritas. And when the immediate shock wore off, I had to actually deal with what happened. 

And that aftermath isn’t pretty because there is no logic to feelings.

Sometimes I felt sad, angry or completely drained of energy. Often I was scared about money. 

Maybe you can relate. A lot of us are feeling all the feelings since COVID struck the US in March. We’re having to deal with uncertainty with our health, our finances and economy, and a whole lot of fear about the future. 

It’s a lot. No one trains us how to deal with this shit. 

We have to learn on our own. And most of the time we learn how to do it by going through it. You’re allowed to feel like crap after you get hit by a metaphorical hurricane (or literal).

You don’t have to suck it up and put on a happy face. Even if you think that other people need you to be happy, I’m going to tell you it is more valuable for the people who love you to see that you’re hurting and struggling. Your kids need to know it’s ok to go through hard times and how to handle it in the best way you can. You loved ones want to show you support.

The best thing you can do is to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, and move your body in a way that feels good. Ask for help and accept it.

If you’re struggling right now, I want you to know that it is ok. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t even have to feel good right now. You are ok to be exactly where you are, mess and all. 

You’re allowed to feel the full range of feelings. 

And if you struggle with some of the feelings I share here (hopelessness, sadness, anger, confusion, doubt - you know, all the ones we try to run from), I invite you to reach out to someone. Someone who can sit with you and listen without trying to fix your problem. This could be a loved one, a therapist, a pastor, or a coach. 

You’re not alone, my friend. 

And if you feel alone, you don’t have to. 

Know that I have been there. Maybe I haven’t had the same exact experiences as you. Maybe I’ve walked a different path and had different experiences, but I know what those deep feelings feel like. 

And if you need someone to sit with you, I’m here. Hit comment and let me know what you're going through.

If you need someone to give you permission, here it is: You are allowed to feel exactly what you’re feeling. 

My #1 Secret for Confidence

People are often surprised that I am quite insecure. When I share my insecurities with people, they tell me that I often seem so confident and fearless. They site examples from my solo-travels cross country and in Europe and my experiences with jumping into new careers and leaving the safe path behind. 

Yes, I did all those things. But I’m also human, so I am not immune to feeling fear and insecure from time to time. 

But that also means that I’m human and if I can find a way to be confident in the world, then so can you. 

So what’s my big secret to confidence?

Confidence comes from evidence.

We can feel more confident if there is evidence of what we are trying to do. 

And you can find evidence in a number of ways, and I’m going to share a few of the ways that work for me.

Borrow evidence from others

I am a voracious reader and extremely curious about people who do things that I want to do. I knew that I wanted to travel solo long, long before I actually did it. I watched documentaries, read books and articles, joined email lists and listened to blogs. I absorbed everything I possibly could about traveling, especially about traveling alone as a woman.

I read and read until I felt like I had fully absorbed the advice and I could live it without hesitation. 

I could also learn from other people’s experiences. I love memoirs and biographies and love hearing the stories of struggle. How did that person cope? What was their path? If there is something that I can learn from what they did, then I want to know! I do not want to make the same mistake twice, and if I can learn from someone else’s mistakes then I can go make new mistakes of my own.

Get competence before confidence
Competence often comes before we feel confident. We want to know everything we can possibly know, and sometimes this is where we get stuck. We think we don’t know enough so we have to learn more or become more of an expert. It’s hard to measure competence.

Competence comes from learning and doing. The best thing you can do is to learn, then try it out, and then teach it to someone else. We learn much faster if we teach what we are trying to learn. You will see the areas where you need to improve because those are the areas that are hard to teach. 

Start small
 

My first solo trip was not a multi-week commitment or extravagant abroad adventures. Nope. I did small weekend trips in my car and did a solo road trip where I also spent time visiting friends. By planning small trips I was able to manage my fear and also grow my skills. I learned my weaknesses (I get lost extremely easily, I always take longer to get somewhere than expected, and I get easily sidetracked with fun side trips) and started to learn how to plan for those. By learning myself I could create a plan to deal with any expected trouble. And when unexpected trouble came up I could deal much more easily. When I missed my connecting train in Germany and delayed my arrival with my host family, I kept my head on straight and did my best to communicate. There was nothing that could be done, so I just tried to keep my cool. 

By giving myself a small dose earlier in my life I could learn how to deal with common problems.

 

In my experience, confidence cannot be faked, which is why I hate the phrase “fake it till you make it.” When you try to fake confidence, more often that not you are coming across as fake. You’re trying too hard and your heart isn’t in it so it doesn’t feel authentic. 

You will more reliably build your own confidence if you try one of these methods. 

Would you please share this message about confidence with a friend that you think would enjoy this? Hit forward and share some love. Or share this post on Facebook with your people. Because who doesn't need a boost in confidence?!

7 Awkward (but brilliant) First Date Questions to Lead to a Serious Relationship

First dates sometimes feel like job interviews. Or worse, like we’re stuck talking about our favorite band and can’t seem to find any traction in a real conversation. I’ve been writing about love and dating for years, and have heard or lived every possible first date scenario.

First dates are about really getting to know someone and seeing if there is compatibility on an emotional, physical and mental level. You won’t be able to learn everything, but these questions cut to the heart of the matter and help you learn more at a deeper level. The key to these questions is to ask with an open mind, and with as little judgement as possible. The more open and curious you can be, the more open the other person can be with you. And this is where you begin to see your true compatibility.

What do you think/How do you feel about that?

Asking a person what they think or feel about a particular topic moves away from conversation about what they like and into a conversation about why. I ask this question all the time, even in friendships and networking relationships. And when I ask it, it is almost like I am met with a sigh of relief. Because what I’m really asking is “let me get to know you on a deeper level.” This is the level where people what to be known and understood.

What are you looking for?

I’ll be honest that this is the question I have the hardest time asking, and my clients seem to struggle too. We are so afraid of what the answer could be. We are afraid if the answers don’t line up that the relationship is over. But if the answers don’t line up, there is no potential for a relationship anyway and you deserve to spend your time with someone that can line up with you.

When you are brave enough to ask someone what they want and to also share what you want, then you are met with a beautiful reward of a satisfying relationship. No fear that he only wants you to get laid. Or not worrying that she wants to tie you down and have babies tomorrow. (those are silly generalizations, and yet they are unspoken fears that we have going into a date and carry throughout a relationship) You can’t get what you don’t ask for.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I know this might sound a bit like an interview question. And yet, when I’m on a date I make it a fun game. I explain that I like to dream about my future and all the possibilities of what I want. And if I could have things all my way, there are certain things I’d like to have in my life. We know that we don’t always get things perfectly, but it’s fun to dream. If you are looking for a relationship with long term potential, it’s not only fun to dream together but it’s also fun to see if your ideal futures line up.

What are your dealbreakers?

A dealbreaker means that if this is present in a relationship, the relationship is over. This can come out at any time and immediately point the way to the door. So why wait until you are 5 dates in (or worse, 6 months or a year) and have real feelings involved? Most of us already know what our dealbreakers are. They are the things we must have in our life or things we absolutely cannot live with. Think back to what broke up your relationships in the past. There are no wrong answers here.

When was the last time you were tested?

Yeah I’m going there. And you don’t have to go there on a first date per se. But it’s a conversation you need to have before having sex. And someone told me forever ago that if you can’t talk about sex you probably shouldn’t be having it yet. We live in an age where we need to have this information before sharing our bodies with someone because it can have long lasting consequences.

This question can tell you a lot about a person very quickly. You can see how mature they are and how seriously they take their health and take responsibility for yours. It also lets them know this is something that you take seriously and is important to you. Having someone that is sex-positive and open to the conversation can be really sexy and show potential for a real future.

What do you hope to bring to a relationship?

I asked this (and the next question) on the first date with my current boyfriend, and I set him back on his heels. He’d never been asked anything like this, and it quickly became really fun. And we revisit these questions because as we grow sometimes these things change.

This is the equivalent to asking someone their strengths. Instead of saying “what are you good at in relationships?” you can ask someone about what they really love about being in relationships and what they hope to bring to the table.

All answers are welcome! I like to already know these answers and offer them first when I’m on a date. This helps to get the ball rolling.

What do you want from a relationship?

This is the equal reverse to the question above. It’s great to know what you’re bringing to the table in a relationship but you also have things you want from your partner. This is laying your expectations out on the table. I had a guy on a date tell me he was looking for a traditional housewife — someone to be home to clean and take care of the family. I think that’s wonderful that he wants that, but I know that’s not me. I know I want things outside of the house and I don’t have to compromise on that. So I could wish him well with no hard feelings because I would never be the person that he wants. I often have to tell my partner that my independence is really important to me, but in a relationship it’s interdependence. I like them in my life but I also like having my own safe space to retreat to and do my own thing. It’s ok to ask for what you want, and it’s also necessary.

Why are you still single?

I know this question strikes fear in the heart of long-time singles everywhere because we are used to our Great-Aunt Minnie asking some version of this question with extreme judgement. And on a date, maybe it feels like it’s also a bit judgemental. But it does not have to be a judgement that it’s wrong to be single. The way a person answers this question can reveal about who they are, how they move through life and how they see the world. You can look for potential red flags and let you know if this person is worth your time.

The goal with all of these questions is to really take a look under the hood of the car to see if it is something you are aligned with for spending a lot of time together and potentially building a life. There is a chance that you ask these questions and you learn you’re not a match. But you’ve only lost an hour or so instead of months trying to figure this out. And when you find someone that matches up with you, well, that’s just fabulous and seriously worth celebrating with a goodnight kiss.

What's Holding You Back?

I used to really hate dating.

I just wanted to skip over all the awkward beginning parts and just get to the relationship as quickly as possible. I wanted to put an end to the uncomfortable first dates, the high hopes with a crash after the absence of a second date, and all the swiping. Ohhhhhh the swiping...

Your turn. Stop and think:   What is holding you back from love?
 

Here are my 3 limiting beliefs that held me back when I was looking for love…

1. I was holding on to my ex. 

Even though my past relationship was really dysfunctional, I knew what I was getting and I knew what to expect. I was so certain of his potential as a person that I was completely blind to the truth: he didn’t want a relationship with me. I really wanted things to be different, so I kept holding out hope that it would change. I dated other people, but in my head I compared them to my ex, always looking to see if they could stack up to what I imagined my ex to be.  There was one eye trying to figure out my future, and one eye focused on the past hoping he would come back. 

2. I was lying about what I wanted.

I wanted a real partnership of equals. But I was afraid if I said that it would scare away the person in front of me. So I compromised and said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, which felt truthful on some level. I didn’t want him to commit to a forever today. I mean, I barely knew the guy. But I was lying to myself because I spent years dating guys that weren’t serious about me or a future because I was too afraid to say what I really wanted because I was afraid I wouldn’t get it. Or worse. I would get a serious guy, and then I would have to actually show up as a partner, too. *gulp*

3. I believed that asking for help was selfish and it meant that something was really wrong with me. 

Don’t get it wrong- I would talk to anyone that would listen about my woes. Everyone in my circle knew my dating stories. We would laugh at the ridiculousness at it all or get frustrated together at the guy that couldn’t read my signals. As much fun as it is to share a story with a friend, it’s completely different to find an expert and get help with breaking my patterns that kept manifesting. I was dating unavailable men and pushing away the quality guys because they were “boring.” But I wasn’t getting the relationship I wanted until I started investing in myself and doing the deep inner work.

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We can see so clearly the steps that took us off the path. I can see pretty clearly where I was getting myself stuck, and I can see what I did differently in order to get a new results.

It’s time to do something different. Make a new choice. Break a rut. Take a step outside of the lines of the life you created for yourself. Ask for help when you normally would try to do it all alone.

I challenge you today to do something different today. Start small. Maybe take a new route home from work. And see how your perspective shifts. Leave a comment and tell me one small thing you will do differently today or tell me how one small change impacted your perspective. 

Introducing... The Resistance

Last week I spoke at The Courage Summit about my journey to find myself after a particularly bad breakup.

I was so excited for this. My first speaking gig where I was getting my travel expenses covered so I could speak to an audience of 100 people. I set an intention this year to build my speaking business, and this was one step closer!

I had been trying to prepare my speech for months.

Did you catch the word "trying" in that sentence??

Despite my best intentions and despite having all the tools I need to create a great speech, I was procrastinating.

I knew exactly what I was supposed to do, and yet I was barely taking any action at all.

I was meeting The Resistance.

The Resistance is a sneaky, shadowy character that lulls you into complacency. It shows up because you're about to change. And change takes a lot of mental energy, time and dedication. We don't want to have to do all that.

It is so much easier to keep doing what we're doing right now. It's easier to put off that thing until tomorrow.

But here is the trick with The Resistance:

It represents you up until this very moment. The version of you that got you here right now.

And right now you have a choice. Do you want to keep being that old version of you and let The Resistance win?

Or do you want to step into a new version of you? The one that you must evolve into being in order to have the life you're dreaming of.

When we want to change our life in some way - whether that's get a new job, get in shape, or find the love of your life - you can't keep doing what you've always done. Because that isn't working. If it worked, you would have what you want right now.

But you want something else.

When you know exactly what it is you want - I mean SO CLEAR in your mind's eye about what you want that you could see it in your imagination like you're watching a movie - all you have to do is take one step towards becoming the type of person who has the thing you want.

And the beauty of it is that you probably already know one step you can take. It doesn't have to be a big step.

Maybe you need to drink more water or go to the gym. Maybe you know you need to update your resume. Maybe you need to join a Meetup group to meet people with similar interests.

You might not want to do it. Sure. That's Resistance winning. At first, you might have to do some things that you need to do but don't want to do. But it's all in the name of having what you want to have.

So who is going to win? Is it The Resistance? Or is it Future Badass You?

You get to decide each moment.

Sending you lots of strength and love today.
xoxo,
Sarah

5 Steps for a Better First Impression

(Pssst…. Make sure to read all the way for a confidence secret at the end!)

What is the #1 trait that people look for in a partner? Confidence.
 
Same goes in job interview, networking, or making new friends. 
 
And yet confidence is also a big struggle for almost all of us. 
 
Let me make it really easy to make a good first impression. These are some really easy steps to take the guesswork out of how to nail that first meeting with confidence.
 
In case you're curious, here's how I decided on these steps - you can trigger feelings of confidence through your brain and your body. It’s not quite “fake it till you make it” (because I really hate that phrase), it’s simply cause and effect. You can create confidence. I’m going to give you a few entry points to feel more confident. Take what works for you, leave the rest. 
 

1. Feel good and boost your mood

Pretty early on in the coaching process, I encourage my clients to collect a list of pleasurable activities including songs, sayings, and activities. It's time to figure out what’s pleasurable to you.

A good playlist will be just the ticket. You can browse the interwebs and there are lots of lists for Mood Boosting, Feel Good or Get Happy. Find the music that makes you smile and tap your foot to the beat. Maybe you like the songs “Walking on Sunshine” or anything by Lizzo. Find your groove, make your own playlist.

You can also choose quotes, mantras and affirmations to hang. I also recommend having a list of places and activities that recharge you and make your heart happy. Maybe you like a hot shower, a long walk in nature, or a bike ride.

2. Look good

I used to read a lot of self-help books about dating, and many gave pretty sexist advice about what to wear or how to look. I have no interest in that.

But I will share that human beings are visual. We like to see something we deem as beautiful. And you know what is the most appealing? Confidence.

When you’re going out of the house, wear whatever makes you feel confident.

You know you found the right thing when you can walk with great posture with your head held high and you feel pretty damn good. Maybe you even catch your reflection in the mirror and think, “Oh heyyyy sexy.”

3. Know what to say

There is no formula for the “perfect” thing to say, but I will give you some prompts to get you thinking about topics you already like talking about.

Great conversation starts with knowing what you enjoy and are passionate about. Here are some ideas. What have you recently read, watched or listened to? What is your opinion about it? Do you have travel plans coming up or have you recently traveled? What was exciting about that? What could you spend all day doing and lose track of time?

You can also take the pressure of yourself and ask the other person questions about what they’re passionate about. You know you struck gold when they talk with excitement, their eyes light up or they can’t stop talking. Try questions like “What’s your passion project right now?” “How do you like spending your free time?” “What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?”

4. Assume confident body language

While the science behind it is iffy, I think the results speak for themselves with power posing. By assuming a power posture, you can increase your feelings of confidence. Power poses were made popular in the TED talk by Amy Cuddy. And you can practice power poses by putting your hands on your hips or your hands over your head in a victory stance. Hold this for 60 seconds and feel the confidence spread through your body.

When it comes to confident body language around other people, stand tall with your shoulders back and your head up. Make casual eye contact and smile. All of these subtle cues let other people see you’re at least comfortable and they will relax around you.

5. Be the person others respond to

Have you ever been at a party meeting someone new and they go in for the hug? They usually say something like “I’m a hugger.” Most of the time, you relax into the hug and go with it. There is an ease about being around someone that is confident in who they are. 
 
On the opposite end of the spectrum, have you ever been with someone introducing themselves and there is the awkward dance between going in for a hug or a handshake? It’s confusing and uncomfortable and it fumbles the first impression big time. The person that does the dance is trying to respond to other people and adapt to the situation. Don’t be that person!’
 
To be the person other people respond to, make a choice and commit to it. Even if it’s just for the time being. Be a hugger. Be someone that smiles and says hello. Ask the questions. 
 
We like someone who knows who they are. Be the person the other person responds to. If you’re a hugger, go in for the hug. If you prefer a handshake, do it. Don’t flounder, it’s more confusing to people! 
 
 
Want to know a confidence secret?
 
No one is confident 100% of the time. We are all just doing our best here. Sometimes you naturally feel confident and things are great, and other times it’s a struggle. 
 
Use these tips when you need a little pink-me-up so you’re feeling super-confident for making a first impression. 
 
You don’t have to fake it, you just have to get into the right headspace.
 
 
What’s your favorite tip for making a good first impression or feeling more confident? Whether it’s something you read here or somewhere else. Hit reply and share.