Necessary or Total Myth: The Elusive First Date "Spark"

The #1 complaint I hear from clients after a date is that there wasn’t any spark.

I’ve been guilty of saying it more than once. I remember being really excited about a date once. He had me laughing from the first minute but he wasn’t my physical type. He was a little short, a little bald, and a little out of shape.

We had a lot of fun and really great conversation. But I didn’t have much physical chemistry with him. I was disappointed that I didn't have that urge to go make out in the parking lot.

I went on one more date with him, but I already made up my mind that he wasn't for me. He ended up being a good friend when we reconnected years later when he was dating someone else. And I ended up wondering what if I had walked away from a really great guy?

What exactly is this “spark”?

When most of us talk about the spark, we are talking about physical chemistry. We want this indescribable palpable energy between you and the other person. We want that strong sexual chemistry to be there right away to show that there will be the potential for more of it to grow later.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on that spark. We think that the chemistry is the most important element at the beginning of a relationship. And we worry if the spark is not there then it will never be there and the relationship is doomed.

This is a lie. You do not need a spark on a first date.

Chemistry is simply biology reacting to each other and saying you would be good mates for procreating. Something in your biology is recognizing something in the other person that is complimentary. 

Chemistry can also be misleading because it does not guarantee that you will be complimentary to each other as partners. It can be misleading and giving you the illusion of knowing someone better than you actually do. It gives an urge to rush forward with the relationship.

You may be asking, “Isn’t chemistry important in a relationship?” Yes. But chemistry also builds over time as you get to know each other. 

On a first date, it’s more important for you to stay in tune with how you are feeling in general about the person. You are still getting to know them and discover who they are, and it’s impossible to know everything about someone right away.

Helpful questions to ask yourself would be “do I like how I am feeling around this person? Is it bringing out a good part of who I am?” “Am I curious about who this person is? Do I want to know more about them?”

If you feel the spark or if you don’t feel it, it really has no indication on whether the date was any good. Or even if you’ll have a great relationship.

Let’s take the pressure off the spark. Let’s focus on what’s really important- getting to know someone and seeing if we like who they are. 
 

How about you? Have you ever been disappointed because there wasn’t any spark between you and your date? How important is chemistry for you? Have you ever tried to let it develop or do you need it right away?

Want to Read Your First Date's Mind?

Our communication is 80% nonverbal and 20% verbal. We as human beings are incredibly perceptive to others and are constantly picking up on the nonverbal cues. If you’re interested in the topic and want to learn more, one of the best books I’ve ever read on body language was by Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent. Navarro teaches that our body language is connected to the primitive parts of our brain that is telling us when we are comfortable or uncomfortable or when we should run away or fight.

Because this part of our brain is running completely without conscious thought it can be a really useful way to read someone else. Especially in a tense situation. Like a first date!

A word of caution: while reading body language can be a useful way to tell if someone is into you or nervous, it’s not completely reliable. Also, it’s connecting to the part of our brain associated with caveman/woman-type of behaviors. This isn’t the highly evolved version of yourself that I spend a lot of time coaching with my clients and is the part responsible for deeply connecting and communicating. So take all this with a grain of salt and use it as extra information.

Here is how I would recommend that you use the information on a date. When you read positive body language, it’s a sign that the person is comfortable and you should keep doing what you’re doing. If you read more negative body language, they are probably uncomfortable and you should change what you’re doing

Negative Body Language

Here are some common signs that someone is feeling uncomfortable. Pay close attention to someone’s feet because they will never lie to you. Feet that are jittery are feeling nervous or they want to run. Feet that are pulled away or pointing away from you are showing that they’re not interested. If someone isn’t into you or something that you just said, it will be reflected in their body posture. Do they create distance or turn away? This is why we have an expression “giving the cold shoulder” because turning the torso away and putting a shoulder between you and the other person is a protective move or a sign of dislike.

The areas of the body that are incredibly sensitive in humans are the neck and the stomach. When someone is uncomfortable, they will touch their neck. Men tend to rub or massage the back of the neck and women tend to play with the neck dimple. When someone is really uncomfortable, they will also protect their stomach and torso. For example, if you watch a woman sitting at a bar and someone said something that makes her uncomfortable, she will gather her things and put her purse in her lap.

One of the biggest objections I hear about body language is about arm crossing. People say it doesn’t mean anything because it’s comfortable. But that’s exactly what it means. We cross our arms in front of our chest because we feel uncomfortable and way to self soothe is to cross the arms. You have a habit of doing this in times of stress, so this body posture has become comfortable to you. Another way humans self-soothe is by rubbing the hands together. This is a tell-tale sign of nervousness.

What to do about it:
When someone shows these signs to you, it is an invitation for you to ask questions and try to understand him or her better. If you were sharing your desire to have kids someday and your date pushed their chair back and crossed their arms, it’s an opportunity to ask how they feel about kids. See if their words match their body language, and if it doesn’t you can call them out. “You seem a little uncomfortable when I mention kids… help me to understand what that’s about?”

Turn it into a fact finding mission and let the body language provide you clues about where to dig deep.

Positive Body Language

Maybe you have had that feeling where you just know that someone is into you. They don’t have to say it, you just know it. And that’s because there are some universal nonverbal signs from someone that expresses comfort and interest. If you see these signs, they are a green light to keep doing what you’re doing because the other person is into it!

Positive body language includes when someone moves closer to you, leans in or angles their torso and stomach towards you. You may also notice your partner leaves their neck exposed or tilts their head showing the length of their neck. We all know that a smile is a common expression of happiness, but there will also be playful eye contact. A person that is flirting will flit their eyes by making eye contact, looking down or away and then looking back. They may also look up through their eyelashes at you.

The feet are another big clue here. When someone is interested in you, they will point their feet in your direction. If they really like you, the feet will dangle playfully or will make contact with yours. This is a big win! (and gives us all a clue about what the hell “footsies” is all about) Playful or light touches also begins to release the feel good hormone oxytocin and can begin to build a bond between two people.

When two people are getting in sync with each other they will begin to mirror one another in their movements and body posture. This is also a subtle way to help someone feel more relaxed and comfortable around you if you’re noticing signs of nervousness.

What to do about it:

Keep doing what you’re doing! They are into you!

Reading body language can give you an insight into how someone is thinking and feeling. However, don’t lose the fun of a date by getting so consumed by the body language that you forget to connect. Let nonverbal communication be a way that you can gather data and continue to explore deeper connections. Let it give you courage to ask some harder questions so that you can understand the other person better. They’ll wonder how you can read their mind. ;)

Did anything from this list surprise you? And what is one thing you can do differently when you are out there in the world to help you be more in tune with nonverbal cues?

If you want to learn more about dating and how to get a leg up on the competition, come join me over at www.sarahmcurnoles.com for weekly articles and all the best tips to help you date better.

Is It Time to Stop Settling?

Have you ever gone to a farm and picked your own apples? It can be a lot of fun to wander the orchards looking for the apples that you want most of all.

The easy thing to do is get the fruit that has fallen from the trees laying on the ground. At first this feels like a life hack, but you will quickly realize that the vast majority of these apples are rotten. They fell off the branches because they weren’t good fruit anymore.

Often the best, sweetest apples were a bit higher up the tree and you have to reach a little bit.

You know an apple is ready to be picked because it is firm, smells a little sweet and it comes off the tree with an easy tug.

And that got me thinking about dating. (Of course it did, when am I not thinking about dating!?)

So many people come to me frustrated when broken hearts. They just shared their heart and soul with someone and they were ghosted. Or they were told they are “too nice” and the other person normally dates bad boys/girls. Or they were broken up with and felt like their heart was used and disrespected.

“I didn’t see it coming,” the broken-hearted will tell me. “They were so much fun, there was great chemistry, we got along. And then I try to make things serious and they leave me. What the hell is going on? I’m tired of this.”

What’s missing is a system to sort the good fruit from the rotten. You do not need to spend your time dating rotten fruit.

Let me be clear about something: When I talk about rotten fruit I’m not saying the person is rotten or a bad person. It’s just a metaphor. Rotten fruit in terms of people and relationships is referring to the fact that they are emotionally, mentally or physically unavailable to you.

This may look like:

- the person still in love with her/his ex

- the person that won’t commit to you

- the person that cheats

- the person who tells you up front they’re “just having fun” or “not looking for anything serious right now.” (Danger!! Danger!! Red flags!!

If you’re not sure if you’re dating rotten fruit, here are some signs:

- you feel used

- you’re exhausted or drained by dating

- you feel disappointed or broken hearted followed by a glimpse of joy (especially right before you are going to end it)

And just like eating rotten fruit will make you feel sick and you won’t get any of the nutrients you need (plus it tastes gross!). So what are you getting out of relationships with people that aren’t good for you?

It’s time once and for all to declare that you’re done wasting your time with people that are not good for you. You do not need to be available for that.

It is not your job to fix them.

Or heal them.

Or change their mind that you are a good fit for them.

Accept them as they are and let them go their way.

By doing this you are making space for a better fit to come into your life. If your hands and mouth is full of rotten fruit, you can’t reach for the good stuff.

You have to put down the rotten in order to have a hand free to pick up what’s good.

We get really scared to let go of the bad because we don’t yet know what good looks like. We think it’s better to have something in our hands than nothing at all. Or you convince yourself that an empty basket is better than having rotten fruit, but you still don’t even know how to identify the good fruit.

We as human beings do not want to let go until we know and trust that what is coming next is better.

Let me tell you this, with absolute certainty:

You deserve better than rotten fruit. Put it down, let it go, and know that something better is coming your way.

When you declare that you are no longer available for people and situations that leave you feeling like crap, you are making a HUGE step forward towards getting what you want. So start here.

Declare that you will no longer settle for the rotten fruit in life.

Because you deserve so much better.

If you want to be witnessed, comment and tell me you’re DONE. Feel free to share a time when you were dating someone that fits in the rotten fruit category and now you know you deserve better.

Do you know someone that needs a pep talk? Hit the heart and like this article so that more people can see this article. Or share this link with a friend that needs to stop dating rotten fruit. Because sharing is caring. ❤

Are You Comparing Yourself to Others?

In my late twenties I attended seven weddings in a six month period. I loved celebrating my friends as they chose their happily ever after partners. And yet, I couldn’t help this gnawing feeling I was having. As happy as I was, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “When will it be my turn?” 

I really started to judge myself. “Shouldn’t I have this figured out by now?! Shouldn’t I have someone that I want to spend my life with? Look at all these other people that figured it all out.

What is wrong with me that I DON’T have a life partner?” 

I was so deep in the weeds of comparing myself to others that I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face. I spent so much time trying to get my life to look like everyone else’s that I lost the ability to create a life that felt really good to me.

Last week I talked about feeling like a failure. I shared how to flip this thought so you can start feeling good. The part that I left out is WHY we think we are a failure. And it’s because you’re comparing yourself to those people that you deemed as “awesome” and “he/she has it all together and if I want to have it all together my life should look like that.”

These expectations and comparisons are strangling your life force. 

You are missing your life.

When you compare yourself to someone else you are stepping outside of yourself and fighting reality. You are telling yourself how your life should be instead of looking at how it is. You are placing expectations on yourself, and that turns into stress. 

What are expectations, anyway? An expectation is nothing more than a random guess, even if it is somewhat based on past experiences. You are making a best guess based on your past or from observing others and you are guessing at what is possible for yourself. But the past is over. All you have right now, and you have exactly the result you are supposed to have. 

Now consider this for a change: You are exactly in the right place. Even if you are uncomfortable or unhappy with where you are. 

You know why? Because sometimes in life we experience things that we don’t like so that we have contrast and can have a better understanding of what we want. If you don’t like something, it’s your job to find a way to feel good. You either change your perspective about what you’re seeing or you change your circumstances. 

There are things we can control. Like we can control how often we go out and meet new people. We can’t control when we will meet that special someone. It is our job to love exactly where we are and find joy in the process of getting where we want to go. Labelling where you are right now in this present moment as a failure is resisting reality. Your reality cannot be anything other than it is. 

The sooner you accept that you are single because you are supposed to be single right now in this moment,  the sooner you step into the power to change into what you want. If you look at this moment right now, and it does not bring you full satisfaction you can ask yourself “What would make me feel good right now? What can I do to feel satisfied right now?” And then you take action in alignment with that.

(Did you notice that the question isn’t “How can I not be single right now?” As a coach, part of my job is to help you find the most useful questions to ask yourself so you can get RESULTS) Your job is to feel good. And when you feel good, the conditions of your life, such as your single status, start to shift and change. 

What would inspire you to feel good RIGHT NOW??? Hit reply and tell me. And then go do it and report back.

If you need some inspiration, here are some of my favorite things to feel good right now:

• Take a few deep breaths

• Go for a walk

• Pet a cat or dog

• Smile at someone

• Call a friend for a catch up

• Enjoy a favorite treat, like chocolate milk!

What will you do to feel good right now? 

Sending you love and good feelings,
xoxo,

Sarah

When You Feel Like a Failure, Read This

When You Feel Like a Failure, Read This

The first blog I ever wrote was called Single Gal Starting Over. In that blog I shared personal stories from my dating adventures. But ultimately, I was dealing with my feelings of being a failure in love.

I felt like the perpetual single girl. Even though I tried to keep a happy face on the outside, I was dealing with feeling like a total failure. Thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why is it easier for everyone else?” “Why do I keep picking the wrong guy over and over?” flooded my brain.

I thought the problem was me.

I did this a lot with my married friends. It seemed like they are farther along on the timeline of life. They met their person, they were engaged, they got married, they honeymooned, and then they had kids. Check, check, checkity check to all those items on the pre-determined Life Checklist.

You know the Life Checklist, right? The list of things all people must accomplish in life to be considered a good and worthwhile person? And if they don’t accomplish them efficiently and in the right order then they are a failure at life.

You get stuck in this feeling of failure because you are comparing yourself to others. Looking at others, you see them living a life you wish you were living. And then you start to feel bad that your life doesn’t look like that. Maybe you’re even making up a story that if other people have what you want, you can’t have it because there is a limited amount of good that is available to go around.

We also where we are right now isn’t good enough because that other person is “farther along.” And we also think we should be there, too.

When things don’t go the way we want them to, we call it failure.

Failure is a lack of success. And a lack of success just means you haven’t had the results you want. YET.

Yes, failure may be a lack of success, but it’s only lacking success if you stop going after what you want. That is the only way to guarantee that you won’t have what you want.

What if your most recent “failure” is simply feedback and it’s trying to help you to grow into the person that will have everything you want? Maybe there is something to learn or push you towards growth that will help you evolve to your next level?

Take a moment and think about whatever failure you just faced. If you call it feedback, what is available to you and your growth? What can you learn and take away from it? And what do you need to keep going to pursue your dream?

Failure is only failure when you stop going after your success. Maybe things don’t happen when you want them to happen. Maybe it takes you longer to fall in love with the person of your dreams or have a baby or get your perfect job.

But it’s all forward movement until you stop the momentum. Learn with each step. Let yourself grow and change. Never stop. Because your success is inevitable (no matter how long it takes).

If you need a boost to your self-esteem, why not show yourself some love? I have a free self-love meditation that you can listen to anytime you need a little more love in your life. You are the one person you can always count on, and I want to guide you to be your own best friend. Get your free self love meditation here.

What I Learned on my Summer Vacation

I feel like it really flew by, and I’m not ready to move into sweater weather and Pumpkin Spice Lattes just yet. I could easily spend another month at the beach!!

But it has been so helpful for my own personal growth. I was reflecting on what I’ve learned and I would like to share it with you. I hope it is useful.

• As resistant as I am to journaling, it actually works.  
  
  I don’t know about you, but I get really tired of hearing from coaches that the answer to everything is journaling. After hearing it enough times, I decided to give it a try. Maybe there is something to it if it’s what I keep hearing from every mentor. So, I grabbed a journal one morning and let my thoughts and feelings out onto the page. And damn if I didn’t feel better. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Getting everything out of my head and onto a piece of paper made it feel like I was giving a voice to a part of myself that I normally stifle. And that calmed me, which was exactly what I was looking for. I’m not a perfect daily journaler, but I definitely reach for it more often as a tool to help settle myself down.

• I learned how to deal with grief.
  
  This is a little tough to admit because it’s still a bit tender. I learned that one of the ways I used to deal with grief was to give it a day or two or maybe a whole week. And then I felt like it should be mostly done and I would busy myself to move on. I find distractions and busy work to keep myself distracted and would set time limits to when I was allowed to feel and for how long. I know this sounds crazy to some of you. But I was really worried that if I felt my sadness that I would be pulled into an uncontrollable depression. And this gal ain’t got time for that. I got shit to do!
  
  This summer I let myself really feel. Because I didn’t have a choice. Coaching doesn’t really have busy work. I have deep emotional work where I have to show up and be me. And it’s really hard to do that when you’re going through grief. So I had to let myself just feel. And I had to rest (more on that below). I learned that I had a well of grief that had been accumulating and was now ready to be fully felt. Let me tell you: you cannot run from or hide emotions. You can’t force them to be processed or be “done.” The only way is to go through them and let them have space. Learning this lesson has not been fun, but I am really glad I did.

• My heart speaks to me in a unique way.
  
  I can’t say that I now have this completely figured out because I think learning to listen to my heart is going to be a lifetime jounrey. But this summer, I learned a bit more of my heart’s really unique language and its way of communicating. I finally let it have a voice. My heart speaks through the moments when I get really excited about something and I”m learning how to listen. It also comes up with ideas and thoughts in a flash, and if I don’t write it down it’s gone. So I’m constantly jotting down notes in my phone. Now that I’m getting better at feeling my feelings and taking care of myself, it’s talking more. And I’m doing my best to keep up, listen and obey. I think I am going to be living from my heart’s directions a lot more as I move forward.

• What self-care actually means.
  
  If you’re like me, you’re kinda over the #selfcare movement. It feels like it’s everywhere, and it’s the new way to justify a fancy face cream or a massage or a night-in alone with a pizza. But what I’ve been learning is that there is no right or wrong way to do self care. There aren’t steps to follow or a formula. There are some things that work more regularly than others for me (helloooooo beach time with my journal and a book). I’m learning where my body actually seems to relax and recharge. Because that’s what self care is. It’s about finding the ways that can recharge our batteries in the most effective ways possible. Apparently, I need the ocean, sand and salty breezes in a small beach town with kind people. I also need to move my body every day.
  
  Beware of the self-care movement. It seems to me that it is on its way to becoming the next health and wellness movement where it becomes a multi-million dollar industry. It doesn’t mean there have to be products or services you purchase, unless you really want to. Self-care is just a term, and it is asking that you look inward to find what you need most to take care of yourself. Your self care can be inspired by ideas from others, but ultimately you decide what you need the most to restore yourself. No purchase required. 

• If you want something you have to ask.
  
  I’ve been working on this one for a while. I still have a little ways to go to release worrying about what other people think of me. And now is not the time to be shy or timid. Now is the time for boldness. I am challenging myself to get crystal clear about my desires. I will never get them if I continue to hold back because I’m afraid of being rejected or hated. As I continue to learn to listen to my heart and act from that place of love, I lean into my own boldness. I am taking steps forward and tapping into my own courage, even though I’m scared. There is more to come from me.

They say Fall is the new New Year. A time for intention setting and creating clarity about what you want. Time for a fresh start. 

Review the summer. What lessons have you learned? 

And begin to dream. What do you want to create? What are you desiring? What is really important to you?

I can't wait to hear from you.

8 Ways to Boost Your Confidence NOW

Have you ever had one of those days that started pretty neutral… you went through your morning routine and everything seemed fine. And then… WHAM! As if out of nowhere you have an attack of “I suck at life.”

Maybe it’s just me? 

I had one of those days recently. I felt completely overwhelmed by life and my business. I was so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. I mean, what’s a life coach to do when they feel like they can’t handle life? Which is a terrible question, because it sends me straight into a shame spiral. How fun, right?

Here are the exact steps I take to start feeling confident again. Use these anytime and anywhere when your confidence gets shaken. 

1. Journal it out

Sometimes that shame storm is happening because you have some really negative thoughts. You are not your thoughts, so it's better to let them out. Write down everything you are thinking and feeling. It’s ok if you cry (crying is simply a release). It’s very possible that there are some trapped negative thoughts that just need to get out. After you’ve written down everything you’re experiencing, meet it with compassion just like a parent would act with a kid that skinned his or her knee. Sometimes seeing these things on paper lets you put it behind you. 

2. Channel your hero 

How would Beyonce handle this situation? Or Kobe Bryant? Put yourself in that person's shoes and try to imagine how they would handle this moment. If that feels like too much of a stretch, have your hero give you a pep talk. What would that person tell you right now to help pump you up? They probably have had some tough days and have some advice for you about how to boost yourself and how to get back out there.  

3. Hug yourself

This may sound silly, and it might even feel silly when you try it. But trust me. Right now, you probably need a little comfort. And the best person to give it to you is yourself. Get a nice blanket and wrap yourself up tight like a burrito. Cuddling releases the feel-good hormones and helps calm your nervous system. There's actually science behind this, look up the hug machine if you don't believe me. Try it, it works. The tighter the squeeze, the better.

4. Move your body

For many similar reasons as a good hug, a good walk can turn your entire attitude around. Move your body in any way that you can, even its just squeezing your toes or fingers. Be grateful for what your body can do. Just look at all the things your body CAN do! Get a little sweaty and feel some endorphins. Keep the focus on things you can do, even small things. (Now is not the time to try a headstand in yoga for the first time.) Be grateful for this human body that you have and shake it.

5. Call a friend

My friends are my go to when I’m feeling low. Tell them what you’re experiencing and how they can best support you. Tell them EXACTLY what you need right now. It’s important to tell our friends exactly what you need because otherwise we may be disappointed by support that doesn’t fit our needs. 

6. Recall something good that you’ve done

You haven't made it this far in life without doing at least one thing well. What was it? And it could be anything from making a delicious PB&J sandwich to winning an award in your field. Recall a time when you felt really confident about yourself. Remind yourself of that. You’ve accomplished something. Just because things feel not great right now doesn’t mean you’re a total failure. I promise. You have other great things that you have done in the past and will do in the future. 

7. Look for places in life where you do feel good

Looking for areas that do feel good in your life is called finding your Bright Spots. It can be any part of your life, and it's even better if it's unrelated to what is shaking your confidence. What we focus on expands, so focus on the Bright Spot. That good feeling will start to spill to other places. Spend your time doing things that feel good. If you feel less confident because your bank account doesn’t feel abundant, where in your life do you feel abundant? Perhaps in your friendships you feel an abundance of love. Practice feeling that abundance with your friends, and watch it start to expand into other parts of your life. 

8. Help someone else

When you feel helpless, helping someone else accomplishes a few things. Yes, it can feel good to focus on someone else and do a good deed. But this does some great stuff in your brain, too! Choosing to help someone else activates a part of your brain associated with taking action. Taking any action immediately starts to help you feel better and rebuild confidence. Take a small action to help someone else, even if it's sending a compliment or thank you text. Then you are more likely to take another action, and then another. And all of a sudden you are in momentum and moving forward. 

Don’t let a confidence set back ruin your whole day. Take small steps to start feeling more confident immediately. We might think it has to be the big things like a job promotion or hearing someone say yes to a date. But it’s actually about taking the little actions to realign with our good feelings that help us feel more confident more of the time. 

Which of these are you going to try first?! Comment below and tell me what you did and how it felt. I can't wait to hear. 

xoxo,
Sarah

Not Everyone Will Like You

Lately I’ve been talking about my inner bitch (also called the “inner critic”). My inner bitch has this ability to make me feel about 2 inches high. But you know when my Inner Bitch is really useful? When a real life bully is trying to make me feel 2 inches high.

I recently had someone lash out in anger at me. I do not condone bullying behavior, taking out your issues and uncontrolled feelings on other people. Anger can be dealt in ways that don’t involve making someone feel less than human.

Feeling anger is a way for you to know a Boundary has been crossed, and then you get to decide what to do about it. You can lash out at others, or you can punch a pillow or go to a boxing class. 

We teach other people how we want to be treated. And I do not think yelling, name calling, and abusive language is how you want to be treated.

In the moment that it happened, I did not respond with name calling or accusations. But I don’t tolerate that behavior from my friends, so I knew that relationship was over. 

That does not mean that my heart wasn’t racing the entire time. I also told my coach how I was honestly feeling about this person. And I caught myself saying, “Oh that’s mean, I don’t feel that way about people.”

And she replied, “Oh yes, you do.”

You know what? I’m not always nice. And in the moment where I felt like a bully was trying to make me feel tiny, my Inner Bitch was trying to protect me. Not through lashing out, but by pulling away and saying “This person is NOT for you.”

It’s ok to not like someone, and for them to not like me. It’s one way of sorting people that don’t need to be in your life. Can you imagine if there wasn’t a method to sort people out of your life? You would have maybe hundreds or thousands of friends. Your Facebook friend list would actually be your friends, and that would be really overwhelming!

Likewise, not everyone is going to like you. Sometimes you have a crush on someone and they’re not a fit. And for whatever reason, they don’t call you for another date or they turn you down for your offer to hang out. And that is all ok.

You’re meant to have high quality and fulfilling relationships in your life, the quantity does not matter. 

Look at how you feel when you’re around others. Do they lift you up, or make you feel small? Are you expanding or contracting in their presence? Can you relax and be yourself or do you have to pretend to be someone else? 

These are all signs of who belongs in your life. Go for the ones that let you relax into being you. Where you feel safe to expand and be vulnerable. Don’t settle for less. 

This works for friendships, work partnerships and dating. Have you had an experience where you felt less than? When someone you were with made you feel like you needed protective armor?? When you tried to force a relationship with someone, but it just didn’t work or you had to change who you are to fit in? Hit reply and tell me your story. You can notice what works and what doesn’t and learn from all of it. 

And if you want to learn more about how to sort when it comes to dating and how to be ok with not everyone liking you, I’m going to do a Facebook Live tonight at 7pm to talk about this topic!! Join me live, send me your questions, and let’s go deep on this topic. 

Your Future Self Wants You to Read This

Here's a message from the future.

I was working with a client this week and we were talking about her current place in life versus where she wanted to be. It was frustrating because it didn’t seem like she would ever get to her dream career as the head of her own company as long as she was working in a such a low ranking sales role. She said dejectedly, “I know this is temporary and just a part of the game. I know it’s not forever.” 

What I heard was someone that was beaten down, uninspired. Someone that lost sight of how important right now is.

I guided her in an exercise to clarify her future. Who will she have to become in order to be the type of woman that is running her own company? How does that woman carry herself? How does she make decisions? What are her priorities? 

We got really clear about her #futurebossbabe self, and I could hear the excitement return to her voice. 

Her homework assignment was to find ways to connect with that future self on a regular basis. When she has to make a decision, ask her future self how to handle it. When she gets ready for work and prepares for her day, how would she go about things differently if she was already the CEO? 

I hope these last few weeks have helped you start to look at what you really want in your life and start asking important questions. As the vision for your future becomes clear, how do you see yourself in it? Who do you want to be? Or, asked another way, who do you have to become to get the life that you want?

It could be that you want to retire at 50 and move to the beach…

Maybe you want to be happily married to the love of your life…

Maybe you want to be rich, powerful and travel the world!

It doesn’t matter what you want. You can fill in the blank with anything. But what comes next is important.

Who do I have to be to get what I want? 

And HERE is the key: The sooner you align who you are right now with who you want to be in the future, the faster you will have what you want.

Read that again, and take your time with it so it can sink in. 

When you start acting like your future boss babe, you suddenly start making other choices. Your circumstance and surroundings might not change (well, not immediately), but you change how you see it and how you act. You cut things out that don't align with you. You don't have time for petty small stuff and you take care of yourself and protect your energy for the things that are important. 

I’ve been talking a lot about love lately. It applies here too. Who do you have to be to be worthy of the person you want to fall in love with?

A lot of people I know have a list of what they want in a partner. I know I do. When I reflect on this list and then I look at myself I ask if I am the type of person that would attract such a person. If I want someone who is healthy, am I prioritizing my own health and taking care of myself? I want someone who is kind and generous so am I willing to also be kind and receive generosity.

I encourage you to do the same today. What do you want? Make a list. In your imagination, fast forward in time to the version of you that already has that thing and describe who that person is. And here is the really important part: How do you feel as that future version of you? Pay close attention, because the feeling is really what you’re going after. It’s what you really want deep down.

This is such a fun exercise that I love doing with my clients. When you do it for yourself, please tell me about your experience! Comment below and tell me all about your vision. 

Make it a great day for time-traveling.

With love,
Sarah

PS. Do you wish your future relationship happened, like, YESTERDAY?! You're on the apps, you're going on dates and you still end up heartbroken and no closer to your ideal relationship. Getting what you want in love isn't as hard as you think. Learn more about the process with my 6 month program Next Level Love.Check it out for yourself and apply to see if it's a fit for you right here. 

Is My "But" Too Big?

Two weeks ago I wrote about shifting away from focusing on what you don’t want. If you missed it and you’re feeling stuck in your dating life, this is a great place to start. 

Here is where we left off. I want you to answer the question

What do you want?

Answer honestly from your gut. What do you want most in this world? What is really important to you? What do you want to Have, Be, or Do? Don’t filter yourself. Claim it. It is a beautiful thing to know what you want.

But there is something holding you back. The thing that is holding you back is all the bullshit. 

I can already hear what is racing through your mind.
“Yeah, but, Sarah, my situation is different. Something really is wrong with me.”
“Yeah, but I always pick the wrong person and all the good ones are taken.”
“Yeah, but I’m divorced and a failure at relationships.”
“Yeah, but what I want isn’t actually possible.”

All those “yeah buts” arebullshit. And they are standing in the way of you getting what you want.  

I’m taking a stand as a coach who holds a higher vision of what is possible for me and for you. So from a place of love, I’m taking a stand here and now: 

I will no longer tolerate “yeah but’s” or other bullshit. From now on I’m going to call that out. I’m no longer available for excuses. There is a difference between being in a place of fertile waiting and avoiding, delaying and being afraid of action. And I will no longer tolerate pretending that you “don’t know” when you really do know. 

Most people aren’t talking about what they want. They’re talking about how hard it is and how bad the dates are. I get it. It’s easier to do that because then you don’t have to take any ownership of the situation. The problem is everyone else, not you. 

You are selling yourself short because you’re afraid. You’re afraid to say what you really want because you’re afraid you won’t get it. I get it, I feel afraid sometimes, too. But that fear is no longer a good enough reason for me to not go after what I want. 

When you have a desire, you already have everything you need to make it yours. (Insider Secret: THIS is why I spend so much of my time coaching around helping you get clarity!!! Because when you know what you want, you can start going after it!!) 

The desire is put in your heart because it’s important to you AND because it is attainable. You would not have that desire if it was not possible. “Doing the work” is referring to this process of naming your desires, going after it, then clarifying it and going after the new desire. “Doing the work” is NOT settling for bullshit, excuses and changing your desires to a lower bar.

Your life is meant to be so much greater than what you are tolerating. You’re not meant to have desires but never have the thing you desire. The pursuit of the desire is part of fully living and expressing your life. 

After you know the answer to "What do I want?" the follow up question to quiet the bullshit is "Why do I want it?" 

When you know the WHY and when it really matters to you, the bullshit falls away. Make the WHY so big that it's bigger than your fear, your excuses, your Yeah But. (<--- that right there is the good stuff!!!! Quote it, post it, share it!)

Write it down for yourself. Grab a clean piece of paper and write the vision of what you want. And then tell yourself why you want it. 

And it's ok if your reason is "Because I'm worth it." ;)

Lots of love to you,
Sarah

PS. If what you want is to fall in love and find your lifelong partnership, I have just the thing for you! I'm teaching a free class starting TONIGHT and you can sign up right here.Eliminate Your Love Blocks is for the woman who is relationship ready and wants to call big love into her life. 

PPS. If that's not your thing, here's a funny video of a dancing otter.