What's Holding You Back?

I used to really hate dating.

I just wanted to skip over all the awkward beginning parts and just get to the relationship as quickly as possible. I wanted to put an end to the uncomfortable first dates, the high hopes with a crash after the absence of a second date, and all the swiping. Ohhhhhh the swiping...

Your turn. Stop and think:   What is holding you back from love?
 

Here are my 3 limiting beliefs that held me back when I was looking for love…

1. I was holding on to my ex. 

Even though my past relationship was really dysfunctional, I knew what I was getting and I knew what to expect. I was so certain of his potential as a person that I was completely blind to the truth: he didn’t want a relationship with me. I really wanted things to be different, so I kept holding out hope that it would change. I dated other people, but in my head I compared them to my ex, always looking to see if they could stack up to what I imagined my ex to be.  There was one eye trying to figure out my future, and one eye focused on the past hoping he would come back. 

2. I was lying about what I wanted.

I wanted a real partnership of equals. But I was afraid if I said that it would scare away the person in front of me. So I compromised and said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, which felt truthful on some level. I didn’t want him to commit to a forever today. I mean, I barely knew the guy. But I was lying to myself because I spent years dating guys that weren’t serious about me or a future because I was too afraid to say what I really wanted because I was afraid I wouldn’t get it. Or worse. I would get a serious guy, and then I would have to actually show up as a partner, too. *gulp*

3. I believed that asking for help was selfish and it meant that something was really wrong with me. 

Don’t get it wrong- I would talk to anyone that would listen about my woes. Everyone in my circle knew my dating stories. We would laugh at the ridiculousness at it all or get frustrated together at the guy that couldn’t read my signals. As much fun as it is to share a story with a friend, it’s completely different to find an expert and get help with breaking my patterns that kept manifesting. I was dating unavailable men and pushing away the quality guys because they were “boring.” But I wasn’t getting the relationship I wanted until I started investing in myself and doing the deep inner work.

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We can see so clearly the steps that took us off the path. I can see pretty clearly where I was getting myself stuck, and I can see what I did differently in order to get a new results.

It’s time to do something different. Make a new choice. Break a rut. Take a step outside of the lines of the life you created for yourself. Ask for help when you normally would try to do it all alone.

I challenge you today to do something different today. Start small. Maybe take a new route home from work. And see how your perspective shifts. Leave a comment and tell me one small thing you will do differently today or tell me how one small change impacted your perspective. 

First Dates Can Be Rough. Take It From Me.

I was the queen of the first date. For most of my twenties, I was great at getting a guy to ask me out for the first date, but I never understood why there wasn’t a second.
 
I’d go out. Engage in witty banter. I would wear my best outfit.  We’d talk about work and our friends and families and what we were passionate about. Usually, there was a goodnight kiss. (And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a great kisser. I am 100% confident in my kissing abilities.)
 
When he didn’t ask me out for the next date, I felt distraught. I tried so hard to be the person he wanted me to be. I tried to be what I thought he was looking for: the perfect blend of sexy, independent, cute, funny, smart, accomplished, and nurturing.
 
I couldn’t figure it out.
 
All these years later, it’s clear to me what I was doing wrong. I made the same mistake a lot of people make on a date by staying on the surface level of connection. We talked about what we had in common, not about the topics that would actually make a difference. In this week’s video, I talk about how to take that surface level connection and turn it into something that will go deeper and will foster a better connection. It will also help you evaluate if you like the person across from you, and if your values line up.  
 
Check out the video here.

I felt really frustrated when I was trying to figure out why all my dates seemed to fail and never get a relationship off the ground. It reminds me of when my iPhone wouldn’t turn on, so I panicked and took my iPhone to the Genius Bar. I was freaking out. And my Genius was so calm, she methodically went through a checklist of options to fix my phone. I commented “You’re lucky to work here. I bet when this happens to you, you’re cool as a cucumber because you know it can be fixed.” And she said something very wise to me:
 
“No, I’m a mess! When it’s your problem, you can’t see the answer.”
 
It is always going to be easier for a person outside of the situation to be able to breathe, take a look around, and see the possibilities for solutions. We can cultivate this, and that’s why I teach. Because I want to empower women to be their own best guide, and so that they have somewhere to turn when they need someone on the outside to help.
 
I’m going to be offering a free webinar about recognizing and solving one of the biggest dating problems: Why is it so hard to get a guy? In this webinar, I dissect the problem that many women are having with dating right now- there are so many options, but the quality seems to be lacking.
 
And I’m not going to show you a problem without giving you an answer, of course! I will then help women see what they can do to answer the question and actually start finding great guys.

If you’re a single woman who is dating and wants to understand this better, I hope you will join me on Wednesday March 14 at 1pm EST for my free webinar called Why It’s Hard to Get a Guy (And What You Can Do About It). You can register by clicking here.
 
Even if you can’t be there live, only people that are registered will receive the recorded playback. 
 
I’m already jumping out of my seat with all the juicy information I will be delivering to you. I just can’t wait!

How to Prepare to Create Connection

If you haven’t seen it yet, a woman is in her doctor’s office being asked routine questions about any pain she might be experiencing. With each question, the woman downplays her painful experiences, but her inner voice is arguing with her to speak up and tell the truth about how bad it really feels.  In the end, the woman says that it all feels awful.

I was listening to this ad for the hundredth time and an alarm bell went off. This is exactly what happened to me when I was dating all through my twenties and early thirties.

I remember so many of my dates where I was sitting across from a guy, and for whatever reason I lied to him about what I wanted, what I was looking for, or who I am. And every time I lied in order to be more of what I thought he wanted, my inner voice was quietly trying to advocate for what I really wanted. It would whisper “But you’re really looking for a guy that will treat you right and may be interested in marriage someday.” “You are nothing like this.” “He’s not that funny, why are you laughing?”  I twisted myself into a pretzel to try to become exactly what I thought he would want me to be. And then I wondered why I never felt a connection.
 
What I was missing all along was the truth. And I found it by asking myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I was preparing for my dates completely backwards.

In this video, I talk about ways to prepare for a date that have nothing to do with how you look on the outside.

https://youtu.be/bOlgXZwA9aE

No one teaches a person to ask these questions before dating. We say vague things like “Love yourself before you love someone else” but we never talk about what it takes to actually love yourself. Asking yourself questions like the ones in the video is the first step to knowing yourself better because you are actually being honest.

This is what I’m all about. Be honest, get clarity, then get what you really want. This is exactly the prep work you need to do to establish if there is a connection with the person across the dinner table from you. Because if you’re not honest and clear, there is too much standing in the way to allow for a connection.

What was your biggest takeaway from the video? What is one question you plan to ask yourself before going on a date? 

Seven questions to create clarity

When I shifted my focus to specifically help women have more satisfying romantic relationships, I did a bunch of free sessions with friends. One of them recently reached out to me to share her story about how she is now dating the love of her life thanks to our conversation. 

Her words deeply moved me, and I was so happy to be a part of her process to help her get clarity about exactly what she’s was looking for. She realized that it was more important for her man to have a great heart, not necessarily great abs. She went from feelings  incapable of loving to embracing a man and his life entirely. And all because we got her a little clarity.

So how exactly did she do it, you may be asking yourself. How did she make that big of a shift in just four months? First, she opened herself and gave herself the space to reflect on what she really wanted, and then she committed to it. 

I recently heard in an in an interview with Alison Armstrong that you know when someone is committed when they have a plan B. Someone that wants something so badly, they make sure they have more than one way to get their goal. I really love this idea, and it works in so many ways. But before we get to committing, let’s find out what we are committing to, shall we?

I have seven questions that I will ask just about every client. I’ve found that these questions give you the space and reflection you need to really see yourself so you can find what’s you really want. Grab a journal, write down these questions and give yourself at least half an hour to explore.

1. What goal am I trying to achieve?
2. Why is this important to me?
3. What does it mean if I achieve it?
4. What will my life look like if I achieve my goal?
5. How will I feel when I achieve it?
6. What is at stake if I don’t achieve it? 
7. What is one small step I can take right now to move in the direction of my goal? (Go with your gut, whatever the first answer is, go with it)

These questions get to the heart of your motivations, which is really what drives your actions.  Once you see your answers, you can reflect if that is truly what you want, and if you are taking actions that line up with the result you desire. 

It’s a refining process. Ask the questions, reflect, then check in if it is really true, refine some more.  When you feel a sense of completion or satisfaction, you have found your clarity.

This is different for everyone. In the interview with Alison Armstrong she was talking about women committed to pleasure in the bedroom. Your clarity could be about the type of relationship you want to be in. Or it could be about the impact you want to make in the world. The process is the same for any of your desires.

The next step is to commit 110%. You must go all in. Go so far into “all in” that you will get it no matter what, no matter how many plans you must execute, no matter how long it takes. Have you ever felt that committed before? 

I encourage you you to share your answers with another person that you trust. Maybe you go through the questions together. There isn’t power in being witnessed by another and speaking your desires out loud. It gives new energy and a deeper commitment. 

If you’d like me to witness your commitment, I’m here for you. Reply to this email and share with me what you are committed to,  if you would like to go through the questions with me in a complimentary 30 minute session, I’d love to offer you that gift.

And if you are a single woman desiring to go even deeper in this process to find a relationship that deeply satisfies you, then I have a special gift for you. Go here to get started with my man Magnet Bootcamp very which is a completely free way to go deeper into your desires so you can get the relationship you want.  Click here to sign up and join me: 

https://sarahcurnoles.lpages.co/wildly-attractive

Lots of love
Sarah