What's Holding You Back?

I used to really hate dating.

I just wanted to skip over all the awkward beginning parts and just get to the relationship as quickly as possible. I wanted to put an end to the uncomfortable first dates, the high hopes with a crash after the absence of a second date, and all the swiping. Ohhhhhh the swiping...

Your turn. Stop and think:   What is holding you back from love?
 

Here are my 3 limiting beliefs that held me back when I was looking for love…

1. I was holding on to my ex. 

Even though my past relationship was really dysfunctional, I knew what I was getting and I knew what to expect. I was so certain of his potential as a person that I was completely blind to the truth: he didn’t want a relationship with me. I really wanted things to be different, so I kept holding out hope that it would change. I dated other people, but in my head I compared them to my ex, always looking to see if they could stack up to what I imagined my ex to be.  There was one eye trying to figure out my future, and one eye focused on the past hoping he would come back. 

2. I was lying about what I wanted.

I wanted a real partnership of equals. But I was afraid if I said that it would scare away the person in front of me. So I compromised and said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, which felt truthful on some level. I didn’t want him to commit to a forever today. I mean, I barely knew the guy. But I was lying to myself because I spent years dating guys that weren’t serious about me or a future because I was too afraid to say what I really wanted because I was afraid I wouldn’t get it. Or worse. I would get a serious guy, and then I would have to actually show up as a partner, too. *gulp*

3. I believed that asking for help was selfish and it meant that something was really wrong with me. 

Don’t get it wrong- I would talk to anyone that would listen about my woes. Everyone in my circle knew my dating stories. We would laugh at the ridiculousness at it all or get frustrated together at the guy that couldn’t read my signals. As much fun as it is to share a story with a friend, it’s completely different to find an expert and get help with breaking my patterns that kept manifesting. I was dating unavailable men and pushing away the quality guys because they were “boring.” But I wasn’t getting the relationship I wanted until I started investing in myself and doing the deep inner work.

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We can see so clearly the steps that took us off the path. I can see pretty clearly where I was getting myself stuck, and I can see what I did differently in order to get a new results.

It’s time to do something different. Make a new choice. Break a rut. Take a step outside of the lines of the life you created for yourself. Ask for help when you normally would try to do it all alone.

I challenge you today to do something different today. Start small. Maybe take a new route home from work. And see how your perspective shifts. Leave a comment and tell me one small thing you will do differently today or tell me how one small change impacted your perspective. 

What To Say To The Voice That Says "You Should Be Further Along"

I am in my mid-thirties, and most of my friends are married (many also have kids). I have attended and been in more weddings than I care to count. And I have friends going through divorces before I’ve even had an engagement.

Most of the time I’m ok with this. I’m happy for my friends’ happiness and partnership. I’m inspired by them. But sometimes I beat myself up because it seems like they are so much farther down the path of life, and I’m left behind. I feel bad for not having my life all figured out. 

The persistent angry voice in my head is screaming, “What’s wrong with you?! Why aren’t you married yet?” 

Maybe you can relate. Maybe the voice in your head isn’t quite so angry, maybe it’s more despondent about being alone and lonely forever and you’re just a loser so accept and settle for this solo life. 

Whatever that voice in your head is telling you, I have the perfect retort. It surprised my inner critic into a moment of silence. 

“Calm the F’ down. Please and thank you.” 

I don’t curse all that much, so it was a bit of a surprise. The harshness worked in my favor. 

Here’s what’s really going on when that voice is getting really angry and pushy:

That voice is freaking out because it is worried about you and your survival. It’s worried that because your life doesn't look like everyone else’s, and to our inner caveman/woman being different = death. 

But it is only focusing on one small part of the world’s population. There are lots of people that do not have partners. Let’s use that logic to quiet the pushy, angry voice. 

Let your brain see new evidence. You are NOT alone. In fact, you are so far from being alone you might as well be in the middle of Grand Central Station surrounded by people just like you but you’re not even seeing them. Start looking for the evidence.

Here’s what to do: Challenge that inner voice to think of one person you know who is not in a couple. Think of one. (I’ll give you a hint- I’m not in a couple! Feel free to start with me.)

Once you think of one person that’s single, think of another one. Maybe Google badass single celebrities if you need some ideas. Give your inner voice lots of examples of other people that are living their life without being in a couple. 

Once you’ve collected evidence that you’re not alone, that voice quiets down a bit. It might say, “oh, I didn’t know that Mindy Kaling was still single. Damn, she’s awesome. And she’s a mom. OK, I see you, Mindy” 

Your brain can easily get stuck in compare and despair mode. When you are comparing your life to others and getting sad that it looks different, it brings down your entire day. And it takes you off track from getting what you really want. Instead of getting stuck there, take the offensive position. Take charge by telling the voice to Calm the F’ Down and take the back seat so you can drive this ship. 

You don’t have to listen to every little voice in your head. You’re the boss of you. You decide the direction that your life will take. 

So who would you rather listen to? The one telling you that you’re doing everything wrong? Or the badass that says, “This is how we’re going to live our life. No one else gets to decide what makes me happy. We’re going to make decisions. We know what we want, and we are going for it.”

I see that little bit of badass peeking through. ;) Let it out! You got this.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.