What's Holding You Back?

I used to really hate dating.

I just wanted to skip over all the awkward beginning parts and just get to the relationship as quickly as possible. I wanted to put an end to the uncomfortable first dates, the high hopes with a crash after the absence of a second date, and all the swiping. Ohhhhhh the swiping...

Your turn. Stop and think:   What is holding you back from love?
 

Here are my 3 limiting beliefs that held me back when I was looking for love…

1. I was holding on to my ex. 

Even though my past relationship was really dysfunctional, I knew what I was getting and I knew what to expect. I was so certain of his potential as a person that I was completely blind to the truth: he didn’t want a relationship with me. I really wanted things to be different, so I kept holding out hope that it would change. I dated other people, but in my head I compared them to my ex, always looking to see if they could stack up to what I imagined my ex to be.  There was one eye trying to figure out my future, and one eye focused on the past hoping he would come back. 

2. I was lying about what I wanted.

I wanted a real partnership of equals. But I was afraid if I said that it would scare away the person in front of me. So I compromised and said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, which felt truthful on some level. I didn’t want him to commit to a forever today. I mean, I barely knew the guy. But I was lying to myself because I spent years dating guys that weren’t serious about me or a future because I was too afraid to say what I really wanted because I was afraid I wouldn’t get it. Or worse. I would get a serious guy, and then I would have to actually show up as a partner, too. *gulp*

3. I believed that asking for help was selfish and it meant that something was really wrong with me. 

Don’t get it wrong- I would talk to anyone that would listen about my woes. Everyone in my circle knew my dating stories. We would laugh at the ridiculousness at it all or get frustrated together at the guy that couldn’t read my signals. As much fun as it is to share a story with a friend, it’s completely different to find an expert and get help with breaking my patterns that kept manifesting. I was dating unavailable men and pushing away the quality guys because they were “boring.” But I wasn’t getting the relationship I wanted until I started investing in myself and doing the deep inner work.

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We can see so clearly the steps that took us off the path. I can see pretty clearly where I was getting myself stuck, and I can see what I did differently in order to get a new results.

It’s time to do something different. Make a new choice. Break a rut. Take a step outside of the lines of the life you created for yourself. Ask for help when you normally would try to do it all alone.

I challenge you today to do something different today. Start small. Maybe take a new route home from work. And see how your perspective shifts. Leave a comment and tell me one small thing you will do differently today or tell me how one small change impacted your perspective. 

Introducing... The Resistance

Last week I spoke at The Courage Summit about my journey to find myself after a particularly bad breakup.

I was so excited for this. My first speaking gig where I was getting my travel expenses covered so I could speak to an audience of 100 people. I set an intention this year to build my speaking business, and this was one step closer!

I had been trying to prepare my speech for months.

Did you catch the word "trying" in that sentence??

Despite my best intentions and despite having all the tools I need to create a great speech, I was procrastinating.

I knew exactly what I was supposed to do, and yet I was barely taking any action at all.

I was meeting The Resistance.

The Resistance is a sneaky, shadowy character that lulls you into complacency. It shows up because you're about to change. And change takes a lot of mental energy, time and dedication. We don't want to have to do all that.

It is so much easier to keep doing what we're doing right now. It's easier to put off that thing until tomorrow.

But here is the trick with The Resistance:

It represents you up until this very moment. The version of you that got you here right now.

And right now you have a choice. Do you want to keep being that old version of you and let The Resistance win?

Or do you want to step into a new version of you? The one that you must evolve into being in order to have the life you're dreaming of.

When we want to change our life in some way - whether that's get a new job, get in shape, or find the love of your life - you can't keep doing what you've always done. Because that isn't working. If it worked, you would have what you want right now.

But you want something else.

When you know exactly what it is you want - I mean SO CLEAR in your mind's eye about what you want that you could see it in your imagination like you're watching a movie - all you have to do is take one step towards becoming the type of person who has the thing you want.

And the beauty of it is that you probably already know one step you can take. It doesn't have to be a big step.

Maybe you need to drink more water or go to the gym. Maybe you know you need to update your resume. Maybe you need to join a Meetup group to meet people with similar interests.

You might not want to do it. Sure. That's Resistance winning. At first, you might have to do some things that you need to do but don't want to do. But it's all in the name of having what you want to have.

So who is going to win? Is it The Resistance? Or is it Future Badass You?

You get to decide each moment.

Sending you lots of strength and love today.
xoxo,
Sarah

5 Steps for a Better First Impression

(Pssst…. Make sure to read all the way for a confidence secret at the end!)

What is the #1 trait that people look for in a partner? Confidence.
 
Same goes in job interview, networking, or making new friends. 
 
And yet confidence is also a big struggle for almost all of us. 
 
Let me make it really easy to make a good first impression. These are some really easy steps to take the guesswork out of how to nail that first meeting with confidence.
 
In case you're curious, here's how I decided on these steps - you can trigger feelings of confidence through your brain and your body. It’s not quite “fake it till you make it” (because I really hate that phrase), it’s simply cause and effect. You can create confidence. I’m going to give you a few entry points to feel more confident. Take what works for you, leave the rest. 
 

1. Feel good and boost your mood

Pretty early on in the coaching process, I encourage my clients to collect a list of pleasurable activities including songs, sayings, and activities. It's time to figure out what’s pleasurable to you.

A good playlist will be just the ticket. You can browse the interwebs and there are lots of lists for Mood Boosting, Feel Good or Get Happy. Find the music that makes you smile and tap your foot to the beat. Maybe you like the songs “Walking on Sunshine” or anything by Lizzo. Find your groove, make your own playlist.

You can also choose quotes, mantras and affirmations to hang. I also recommend having a list of places and activities that recharge you and make your heart happy. Maybe you like a hot shower, a long walk in nature, or a bike ride.

2. Look good

I used to read a lot of self-help books about dating, and many gave pretty sexist advice about what to wear or how to look. I have no interest in that.

But I will share that human beings are visual. We like to see something we deem as beautiful. And you know what is the most appealing? Confidence.

When you’re going out of the house, wear whatever makes you feel confident.

You know you found the right thing when you can walk with great posture with your head held high and you feel pretty damn good. Maybe you even catch your reflection in the mirror and think, “Oh heyyyy sexy.”

3. Know what to say

There is no formula for the “perfect” thing to say, but I will give you some prompts to get you thinking about topics you already like talking about.

Great conversation starts with knowing what you enjoy and are passionate about. Here are some ideas. What have you recently read, watched or listened to? What is your opinion about it? Do you have travel plans coming up or have you recently traveled? What was exciting about that? What could you spend all day doing and lose track of time?

You can also take the pressure of yourself and ask the other person questions about what they’re passionate about. You know you struck gold when they talk with excitement, their eyes light up or they can’t stop talking. Try questions like “What’s your passion project right now?” “How do you like spending your free time?” “What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?”

4. Assume confident body language

While the science behind it is iffy, I think the results speak for themselves with power posing. By assuming a power posture, you can increase your feelings of confidence. Power poses were made popular in the TED talk by Amy Cuddy. And you can practice power poses by putting your hands on your hips or your hands over your head in a victory stance. Hold this for 60 seconds and feel the confidence spread through your body.

When it comes to confident body language around other people, stand tall with your shoulders back and your head up. Make casual eye contact and smile. All of these subtle cues let other people see you’re at least comfortable and they will relax around you.

5. Be the person others respond to

Have you ever been at a party meeting someone new and they go in for the hug? They usually say something like “I’m a hugger.” Most of the time, you relax into the hug and go with it. There is an ease about being around someone that is confident in who they are. 
 
On the opposite end of the spectrum, have you ever been with someone introducing themselves and there is the awkward dance between going in for a hug or a handshake? It’s confusing and uncomfortable and it fumbles the first impression big time. The person that does the dance is trying to respond to other people and adapt to the situation. Don’t be that person!’
 
To be the person other people respond to, make a choice and commit to it. Even if it’s just for the time being. Be a hugger. Be someone that smiles and says hello. Ask the questions. 
 
We like someone who knows who they are. Be the person the other person responds to. If you’re a hugger, go in for the hug. If you prefer a handshake, do it. Don’t flounder, it’s more confusing to people! 
 
 
Want to know a confidence secret?
 
No one is confident 100% of the time. We are all just doing our best here. Sometimes you naturally feel confident and things are great, and other times it’s a struggle. 
 
Use these tips when you need a little pink-me-up so you’re feeling super-confident for making a first impression. 
 
You don’t have to fake it, you just have to get into the right headspace.
 
 
What’s your favorite tip for making a good first impression or feeling more confident? Whether it’s something you read here or somewhere else. Hit reply and share. 

Necessary or Total Myth: The Elusive First Date "Spark"

The #1 complaint I hear from clients after a date is that there wasn’t any spark.

I’ve been guilty of saying it more than once. I remember being really excited about a date once. He had me laughing from the first minute but he wasn’t my physical type. He was a little short, a little bald, and a little out of shape.

We had a lot of fun and really great conversation. But I didn’t have much physical chemistry with him. I was disappointed that I didn't have that urge to go make out in the parking lot.

I went on one more date with him, but I already made up my mind that he wasn't for me. He ended up being a good friend when we reconnected years later when he was dating someone else. And I ended up wondering what if I had walked away from a really great guy?

What exactly is this “spark”?

When most of us talk about the spark, we are talking about physical chemistry. We want this indescribable palpable energy between you and the other person. We want that strong sexual chemistry to be there right away to show that there will be the potential for more of it to grow later.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on that spark. We think that the chemistry is the most important element at the beginning of a relationship. And we worry if the spark is not there then it will never be there and the relationship is doomed.

This is a lie. You do not need a spark on a first date.

Chemistry is simply biology reacting to each other and saying you would be good mates for procreating. Something in your biology is recognizing something in the other person that is complimentary. 

Chemistry can also be misleading because it does not guarantee that you will be complimentary to each other as partners. It can be misleading and giving you the illusion of knowing someone better than you actually do. It gives an urge to rush forward with the relationship.

You may be asking, “Isn’t chemistry important in a relationship?” Yes. But chemistry also builds over time as you get to know each other. 

On a first date, it’s more important for you to stay in tune with how you are feeling in general about the person. You are still getting to know them and discover who they are, and it’s impossible to know everything about someone right away.

Helpful questions to ask yourself would be “do I like how I am feeling around this person? Is it bringing out a good part of who I am?” “Am I curious about who this person is? Do I want to know more about them?”

If you feel the spark or if you don’t feel it, it really has no indication on whether the date was any good. Or even if you’ll have a great relationship.

Let’s take the pressure off the spark. Let’s focus on what’s really important- getting to know someone and seeing if we like who they are. 
 

How about you? Have you ever been disappointed because there wasn’t any spark between you and your date? How important is chemistry for you? Have you ever tried to let it develop or do you need it right away?

Want to Read Your First Date's Mind?

Our communication is 80% nonverbal and 20% verbal. We as human beings are incredibly perceptive to others and are constantly picking up on the nonverbal cues. If you’re interested in the topic and want to learn more, one of the best books I’ve ever read on body language was by Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent. Navarro teaches that our body language is connected to the primitive parts of our brain that is telling us when we are comfortable or uncomfortable or when we should run away or fight.

Because this part of our brain is running completely without conscious thought it can be a really useful way to read someone else. Especially in a tense situation. Like a first date!

A word of caution: while reading body language can be a useful way to tell if someone is into you or nervous, it’s not completely reliable. Also, it’s connecting to the part of our brain associated with caveman/woman-type of behaviors. This isn’t the highly evolved version of yourself that I spend a lot of time coaching with my clients and is the part responsible for deeply connecting and communicating. So take all this with a grain of salt and use it as extra information.

Here is how I would recommend that you use the information on a date. When you read positive body language, it’s a sign that the person is comfortable and you should keep doing what you’re doing. If you read more negative body language, they are probably uncomfortable and you should change what you’re doing

Negative Body Language

Here are some common signs that someone is feeling uncomfortable. Pay close attention to someone’s feet because they will never lie to you. Feet that are jittery are feeling nervous or they want to run. Feet that are pulled away or pointing away from you are showing that they’re not interested. If someone isn’t into you or something that you just said, it will be reflected in their body posture. Do they create distance or turn away? This is why we have an expression “giving the cold shoulder” because turning the torso away and putting a shoulder between you and the other person is a protective move or a sign of dislike.

The areas of the body that are incredibly sensitive in humans are the neck and the stomach. When someone is uncomfortable, they will touch their neck. Men tend to rub or massage the back of the neck and women tend to play with the neck dimple. When someone is really uncomfortable, they will also protect their stomach and torso. For example, if you watch a woman sitting at a bar and someone said something that makes her uncomfortable, she will gather her things and put her purse in her lap.

One of the biggest objections I hear about body language is about arm crossing. People say it doesn’t mean anything because it’s comfortable. But that’s exactly what it means. We cross our arms in front of our chest because we feel uncomfortable and way to self soothe is to cross the arms. You have a habit of doing this in times of stress, so this body posture has become comfortable to you. Another way humans self-soothe is by rubbing the hands together. This is a tell-tale sign of nervousness.

What to do about it:
When someone shows these signs to you, it is an invitation for you to ask questions and try to understand him or her better. If you were sharing your desire to have kids someday and your date pushed their chair back and crossed their arms, it’s an opportunity to ask how they feel about kids. See if their words match their body language, and if it doesn’t you can call them out. “You seem a little uncomfortable when I mention kids… help me to understand what that’s about?”

Turn it into a fact finding mission and let the body language provide you clues about where to dig deep.

Positive Body Language

Maybe you have had that feeling where you just know that someone is into you. They don’t have to say it, you just know it. And that’s because there are some universal nonverbal signs from someone that expresses comfort and interest. If you see these signs, they are a green light to keep doing what you’re doing because the other person is into it!

Positive body language includes when someone moves closer to you, leans in or angles their torso and stomach towards you. You may also notice your partner leaves their neck exposed or tilts their head showing the length of their neck. We all know that a smile is a common expression of happiness, but there will also be playful eye contact. A person that is flirting will flit their eyes by making eye contact, looking down or away and then looking back. They may also look up through their eyelashes at you.

The feet are another big clue here. When someone is interested in you, they will point their feet in your direction. If they really like you, the feet will dangle playfully or will make contact with yours. This is a big win! (and gives us all a clue about what the hell “footsies” is all about) Playful or light touches also begins to release the feel good hormone oxytocin and can begin to build a bond between two people.

When two people are getting in sync with each other they will begin to mirror one another in their movements and body posture. This is also a subtle way to help someone feel more relaxed and comfortable around you if you’re noticing signs of nervousness.

What to do about it:

Keep doing what you’re doing! They are into you!

Reading body language can give you an insight into how someone is thinking and feeling. However, don’t lose the fun of a date by getting so consumed by the body language that you forget to connect. Let nonverbal communication be a way that you can gather data and continue to explore deeper connections. Let it give you courage to ask some harder questions so that you can understand the other person better. They’ll wonder how you can read their mind. ;)

Did anything from this list surprise you? And what is one thing you can do differently when you are out there in the world to help you be more in tune with nonverbal cues?

If you want to learn more about dating and how to get a leg up on the competition, come join me over at www.sarahmcurnoles.com for weekly articles and all the best tips to help you date better.

Is It Time to Stop Settling?

Have you ever gone to a farm and picked your own apples? It can be a lot of fun to wander the orchards looking for the apples that you want most of all.

The easy thing to do is get the fruit that has fallen from the trees laying on the ground. At first this feels like a life hack, but you will quickly realize that the vast majority of these apples are rotten. They fell off the branches because they weren’t good fruit anymore.

Often the best, sweetest apples were a bit higher up the tree and you have to reach a little bit.

You know an apple is ready to be picked because it is firm, smells a little sweet and it comes off the tree with an easy tug.

And that got me thinking about dating. (Of course it did, when am I not thinking about dating!?)

So many people come to me frustrated when broken hearts. They just shared their heart and soul with someone and they were ghosted. Or they were told they are “too nice” and the other person normally dates bad boys/girls. Or they were broken up with and felt like their heart was used and disrespected.

“I didn’t see it coming,” the broken-hearted will tell me. “They were so much fun, there was great chemistry, we got along. And then I try to make things serious and they leave me. What the hell is going on? I’m tired of this.”

What’s missing is a system to sort the good fruit from the rotten. You do not need to spend your time dating rotten fruit.

Let me be clear about something: When I talk about rotten fruit I’m not saying the person is rotten or a bad person. It’s just a metaphor. Rotten fruit in terms of people and relationships is referring to the fact that they are emotionally, mentally or physically unavailable to you.

This may look like:

- the person still in love with her/his ex

- the person that won’t commit to you

- the person that cheats

- the person who tells you up front they’re “just having fun” or “not looking for anything serious right now.” (Danger!! Danger!! Red flags!!

If you’re not sure if you’re dating rotten fruit, here are some signs:

- you feel used

- you’re exhausted or drained by dating

- you feel disappointed or broken hearted followed by a glimpse of joy (especially right before you are going to end it)

And just like eating rotten fruit will make you feel sick and you won’t get any of the nutrients you need (plus it tastes gross!). So what are you getting out of relationships with people that aren’t good for you?

It’s time once and for all to declare that you’re done wasting your time with people that are not good for you. You do not need to be available for that.

It is not your job to fix them.

Or heal them.

Or change their mind that you are a good fit for them.

Accept them as they are and let them go their way.

By doing this you are making space for a better fit to come into your life. If your hands and mouth is full of rotten fruit, you can’t reach for the good stuff.

You have to put down the rotten in order to have a hand free to pick up what’s good.

We get really scared to let go of the bad because we don’t yet know what good looks like. We think it’s better to have something in our hands than nothing at all. Or you convince yourself that an empty basket is better than having rotten fruit, but you still don’t even know how to identify the good fruit.

We as human beings do not want to let go until we know and trust that what is coming next is better.

Let me tell you this, with absolute certainty:

You deserve better than rotten fruit. Put it down, let it go, and know that something better is coming your way.

When you declare that you are no longer available for people and situations that leave you feeling like crap, you are making a HUGE step forward towards getting what you want. So start here.

Declare that you will no longer settle for the rotten fruit in life.

Because you deserve so much better.

If you want to be witnessed, comment and tell me you’re DONE. Feel free to share a time when you were dating someone that fits in the rotten fruit category and now you know you deserve better.

Do you know someone that needs a pep talk? Hit the heart and like this article so that more people can see this article. Or share this link with a friend that needs to stop dating rotten fruit. Because sharing is caring. ❤

Are You Comparing Yourself to Others?

In my late twenties I attended seven weddings in a six month period. I loved celebrating my friends as they chose their happily ever after partners. And yet, I couldn’t help this gnawing feeling I was having. As happy as I was, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “When will it be my turn?” 

I really started to judge myself. “Shouldn’t I have this figured out by now?! Shouldn’t I have someone that I want to spend my life with? Look at all these other people that figured it all out.

What is wrong with me that I DON’T have a life partner?” 

I was so deep in the weeds of comparing myself to others that I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face. I spent so much time trying to get my life to look like everyone else’s that I lost the ability to create a life that felt really good to me.

Last week I talked about feeling like a failure. I shared how to flip this thought so you can start feeling good. The part that I left out is WHY we think we are a failure. And it’s because you’re comparing yourself to those people that you deemed as “awesome” and “he/she has it all together and if I want to have it all together my life should look like that.”

These expectations and comparisons are strangling your life force. 

You are missing your life.

When you compare yourself to someone else you are stepping outside of yourself and fighting reality. You are telling yourself how your life should be instead of looking at how it is. You are placing expectations on yourself, and that turns into stress. 

What are expectations, anyway? An expectation is nothing more than a random guess, even if it is somewhat based on past experiences. You are making a best guess based on your past or from observing others and you are guessing at what is possible for yourself. But the past is over. All you have right now, and you have exactly the result you are supposed to have. 

Now consider this for a change: You are exactly in the right place. Even if you are uncomfortable or unhappy with where you are. 

You know why? Because sometimes in life we experience things that we don’t like so that we have contrast and can have a better understanding of what we want. If you don’t like something, it’s your job to find a way to feel good. You either change your perspective about what you’re seeing or you change your circumstances. 

There are things we can control. Like we can control how often we go out and meet new people. We can’t control when we will meet that special someone. It is our job to love exactly where we are and find joy in the process of getting where we want to go. Labelling where you are right now in this present moment as a failure is resisting reality. Your reality cannot be anything other than it is. 

The sooner you accept that you are single because you are supposed to be single right now in this moment,  the sooner you step into the power to change into what you want. If you look at this moment right now, and it does not bring you full satisfaction you can ask yourself “What would make me feel good right now? What can I do to feel satisfied right now?” And then you take action in alignment with that.

(Did you notice that the question isn’t “How can I not be single right now?” As a coach, part of my job is to help you find the most useful questions to ask yourself so you can get RESULTS) Your job is to feel good. And when you feel good, the conditions of your life, such as your single status, start to shift and change. 

What would inspire you to feel good RIGHT NOW??? Hit reply and tell me. And then go do it and report back.

If you need some inspiration, here are some of my favorite things to feel good right now:

• Take a few deep breaths

• Go for a walk

• Pet a cat or dog

• Smile at someone

• Call a friend for a catch up

• Enjoy a favorite treat, like chocolate milk!

What will you do to feel good right now? 

Sending you love and good feelings,
xoxo,

Sarah

When You Feel Like a Failure, Read This

When You Feel Like a Failure, Read This

The first blog I ever wrote was called Single Gal Starting Over. In that blog I shared personal stories from my dating adventures. But ultimately, I was dealing with my feelings of being a failure in love.

I felt like the perpetual single girl. Even though I tried to keep a happy face on the outside, I was dealing with feeling like a total failure. Thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why is it easier for everyone else?” “Why do I keep picking the wrong guy over and over?” flooded my brain.

I thought the problem was me.

I did this a lot with my married friends. It seemed like they are farther along on the timeline of life. They met their person, they were engaged, they got married, they honeymooned, and then they had kids. Check, check, checkity check to all those items on the pre-determined Life Checklist.

You know the Life Checklist, right? The list of things all people must accomplish in life to be considered a good and worthwhile person? And if they don’t accomplish them efficiently and in the right order then they are a failure at life.

You get stuck in this feeling of failure because you are comparing yourself to others. Looking at others, you see them living a life you wish you were living. And then you start to feel bad that your life doesn’t look like that. Maybe you’re even making up a story that if other people have what you want, you can’t have it because there is a limited amount of good that is available to go around.

We also where we are right now isn’t good enough because that other person is “farther along.” And we also think we should be there, too.

When things don’t go the way we want them to, we call it failure.

Failure is a lack of success. And a lack of success just means you haven’t had the results you want. YET.

Yes, failure may be a lack of success, but it’s only lacking success if you stop going after what you want. That is the only way to guarantee that you won’t have what you want.

What if your most recent “failure” is simply feedback and it’s trying to help you to grow into the person that will have everything you want? Maybe there is something to learn or push you towards growth that will help you evolve to your next level?

Take a moment and think about whatever failure you just faced. If you call it feedback, what is available to you and your growth? What can you learn and take away from it? And what do you need to keep going to pursue your dream?

Failure is only failure when you stop going after your success. Maybe things don’t happen when you want them to happen. Maybe it takes you longer to fall in love with the person of your dreams or have a baby or get your perfect job.

But it’s all forward movement until you stop the momentum. Learn with each step. Let yourself grow and change. Never stop. Because your success is inevitable (no matter how long it takes).

If you need a boost to your self-esteem, why not show yourself some love? I have a free self-love meditation that you can listen to anytime you need a little more love in your life. You are the one person you can always count on, and I want to guide you to be your own best friend. Get your free self love meditation here.

What I Learned on my Summer Vacation

I feel like it really flew by, and I’m not ready to move into sweater weather and Pumpkin Spice Lattes just yet. I could easily spend another month at the beach!!

But it has been so helpful for my own personal growth. I was reflecting on what I’ve learned and I would like to share it with you. I hope it is useful.

• As resistant as I am to journaling, it actually works.  
  
  I don’t know about you, but I get really tired of hearing from coaches that the answer to everything is journaling. After hearing it enough times, I decided to give it a try. Maybe there is something to it if it’s what I keep hearing from every mentor. So, I grabbed a journal one morning and let my thoughts and feelings out onto the page. And damn if I didn’t feel better. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Getting everything out of my head and onto a piece of paper made it feel like I was giving a voice to a part of myself that I normally stifle. And that calmed me, which was exactly what I was looking for. I’m not a perfect daily journaler, but I definitely reach for it more often as a tool to help settle myself down.

• I learned how to deal with grief.
  
  This is a little tough to admit because it’s still a bit tender. I learned that one of the ways I used to deal with grief was to give it a day or two or maybe a whole week. And then I felt like it should be mostly done and I would busy myself to move on. I find distractions and busy work to keep myself distracted and would set time limits to when I was allowed to feel and for how long. I know this sounds crazy to some of you. But I was really worried that if I felt my sadness that I would be pulled into an uncontrollable depression. And this gal ain’t got time for that. I got shit to do!
  
  This summer I let myself really feel. Because I didn’t have a choice. Coaching doesn’t really have busy work. I have deep emotional work where I have to show up and be me. And it’s really hard to do that when you’re going through grief. So I had to let myself just feel. And I had to rest (more on that below). I learned that I had a well of grief that had been accumulating and was now ready to be fully felt. Let me tell you: you cannot run from or hide emotions. You can’t force them to be processed or be “done.” The only way is to go through them and let them have space. Learning this lesson has not been fun, but I am really glad I did.

• My heart speaks to me in a unique way.
  
  I can’t say that I now have this completely figured out because I think learning to listen to my heart is going to be a lifetime jounrey. But this summer, I learned a bit more of my heart’s really unique language and its way of communicating. I finally let it have a voice. My heart speaks through the moments when I get really excited about something and I”m learning how to listen. It also comes up with ideas and thoughts in a flash, and if I don’t write it down it’s gone. So I’m constantly jotting down notes in my phone. Now that I’m getting better at feeling my feelings and taking care of myself, it’s talking more. And I’m doing my best to keep up, listen and obey. I think I am going to be living from my heart’s directions a lot more as I move forward.

• What self-care actually means.
  
  If you’re like me, you’re kinda over the #selfcare movement. It feels like it’s everywhere, and it’s the new way to justify a fancy face cream or a massage or a night-in alone with a pizza. But what I’ve been learning is that there is no right or wrong way to do self care. There aren’t steps to follow or a formula. There are some things that work more regularly than others for me (helloooooo beach time with my journal and a book). I’m learning where my body actually seems to relax and recharge. Because that’s what self care is. It’s about finding the ways that can recharge our batteries in the most effective ways possible. Apparently, I need the ocean, sand and salty breezes in a small beach town with kind people. I also need to move my body every day.
  
  Beware of the self-care movement. It seems to me that it is on its way to becoming the next health and wellness movement where it becomes a multi-million dollar industry. It doesn’t mean there have to be products or services you purchase, unless you really want to. Self-care is just a term, and it is asking that you look inward to find what you need most to take care of yourself. Your self care can be inspired by ideas from others, but ultimately you decide what you need the most to restore yourself. No purchase required. 

• If you want something you have to ask.
  
  I’ve been working on this one for a while. I still have a little ways to go to release worrying about what other people think of me. And now is not the time to be shy or timid. Now is the time for boldness. I am challenging myself to get crystal clear about my desires. I will never get them if I continue to hold back because I’m afraid of being rejected or hated. As I continue to learn to listen to my heart and act from that place of love, I lean into my own boldness. I am taking steps forward and tapping into my own courage, even though I’m scared. There is more to come from me.

They say Fall is the new New Year. A time for intention setting and creating clarity about what you want. Time for a fresh start. 

Review the summer. What lessons have you learned? 

And begin to dream. What do you want to create? What are you desiring? What is really important to you?

I can't wait to hear from you.