The next step is willingness

The above quote is from Jill Bolte Taylor, author of Stroke of Genius. When she had a stroke, she became incredibly attuned to the energy around her. This is the note she posted on the door to her room in the hospital, asking everyone that entered to take responsibility for themselves and what they are bringing into her space. This is where we will begin our work today- are you willing to take responsibility?

Last week I talked about compassion and developing a relationship with yourself like you are your own best friend. (If you missed it, you can read it here) Sometimes we teach what we need to know, and I called on my self-compassion a lot last week.
 
How could I soften and be a bit kinder to myself? Where was I pushing too hard? Where were my expectations out of whack? And where could I say some nice words to myself.
 
I want to talk about this topic a bit more and will return share some practices that are working for me, but before I do that I need to practice them myself a little bit more. I only want to share and teach what works for me in reality, not just in theory. I’m on my own journey, just like everyone else, and it comes with learning curves and lessons. And I often mess up and teach from the lessons I learn there.
 
Today, I want to continue to talk about recognizing the shadow. After we are practicing healthy compassion for ourselves, we can start to look inward with curiosity. It’s a bit more complicated because our shadow is out of sight and behind us. This is by design. It’s how it became the shadow in the first place.
 
I started doing work to see my shadow over a year ago, and it’s just barely scraping the surface. Things didn’t really reveal themselves when I first started. I had a few things come to the surface of my awareness, but it was like scratching the surface with just my finger nails. Not much was being revealed.
 
I have also had family members point out some of my shadow traits to me (hi Mom, thanks for reading and trying to help me!). People I love and whose opinions I trust. I still denied them, because I wasn’t ready yet. I needed to personally cultivate more self-love and compassion before I could face those parts of myself. I needed to be able to see them and still love who I am and know that it’s not the end of the world. It won’t collapse, people will still love me, and most importantly I will still love me.
 
I wasn’t listening to the people around me, so how did I start to find my shadow? I looked at what annoyed me the most in others. The way that it works is that we project our shadow qualities onto others and notice it in them. So the parts of other people that annoy you the most are actually just a reflection of your own shadow.
 
It looks like this. I get really annoyed by know-it-alls. I hate that they parade their opinions around like it’s the only thing that matters, and there is no room for other people. Guess what my shadow is? I’m a know-it-all with an attitude that my opinion is the right one and no one else could possibly right.
 
Do I logically think this is true? Absolutely, emphatically not. But it’s my shadow, functioning way below my logical mind.
 
I have been working on noticing my shadow in this way for a while now, and sometimes things still escape me and I deny, deny, deny. What I needed was a wakeup call. I had a situation where the stakes were high, I lost my shit, and realized I didn’t like what had happened. I want to take 100% ownership of how I am showing up in this world, so I looked inward and asked myself “Where did that come from? What do I dislike about my behavior just then?”
 
I talked it through with a coach, and got it all out. I literally had a temper tantrum, and said all the thoughts that I had been repressing.
 
This method worked for me because I had someone that was willing to be compassionate enough to just hold space for me to have my big feelings and emotions. To let them all out without judgement. After I cleared my head, I could look at what I had been thinking and start to reflect on it. I could see these unconscious parts of myself that were running the show. They were making choices for my behavior, like I was running on autopilot.
 
I wrote them all down. All these parts of myself that made me feel ashamed, too much or not enough, not worthy of love and respect, and too complicated.
 
If you are interested in looking at your shadow so that you can learn to integrate and fully accept and love yourself, here are the steps you can take.
 

1. First, cultivate your self-compassion and find your personal center. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself like your best friend talks to you with love, acceptance and forgiveness.  
2. Next, check in with yourself and ask if you are willing to see. Ask yourself, am I willing to look at my whole self, even the parts that make me feel ashamed, not good enough, not worthy of love? 0
3. Notice what annoys you about other people. Keep a list of these things. You don’t have to do anything other than keep a list.

 
This process takes time. It’s not something that happens once, and you’re done. It unfolds as you become ready. There is no pressure to hurry through it. I think this is a large part about what it means to be a human being, and we can dance with this for our entire life.
 
You also have the right to NEVER do this! The alternative is that you get to keep all the things that annoy you about other people. You can make it all outward, make it about other people. That is completely ok. It’s a defense mechanism for a reason, and you can absolutely keep it as long as it serves you.
 
If you’re ready to do the work and start looking inward, I’m here for you. I’m happy to hold space, like a giant trash can that you can spill everything into. You can ask a friend, a pastor, a counselor, a coach, or any trusted person that has the capacity to listen and hold the space without judgement. Let yourself be witnessed. 

We will continue next week. Until then, hit reply and tell me your biggest takeaway from today. It might be an area you are willing to look at. It might be that you realize you're not ready to go there yet. Whatever it is, I want to hear from you! 

It starts with self compassion

Last week I shared a look at my shadow side. I heard from a lot of you that felt like you had some similar experiences. You told me that even though your shadow qualities were different from mine, you could relate to feeling shame around these negative qualities and feeling like you needed to fix them.
 
Which made me think that I probably need to back up a little bit and explain more about how a shadow works. And backing up even farther because, honestly, nothing about you needs to be fixed. You are uniquely you, flaws and all. 
 
Accepting your shadow is a process that is quite complicated because it involves so much negative emotion. Before we can even talk about looking at your shadow and identifying it, I want you to have tools in place to support you through the process.
 
The shadow is made up of all the bits of yourself that feel are not worthy of love and acceptance. These are the parts that you pushed away because as a child you thought they were unlovable. And a child's logic is all about surviving- unloveable means no one will take care of him/her and she/he will die. This is why the shadow is formed in the first place. It's a coping mechanism to make sure we continue to get love and care.

In our childlike brain, hiding the bad means we will survive. The stakes are very high in our brains. In order to even be ready to look at the shadow, we have to be ready to deal with the consequences. And to do that we need self-compassion.
 
When we look at our darker side we are going to be fighting hard against our self-image that we are a “good” person. Each one of us has an ego (another loaded word, which deserves its own separate blog post) that wants to be seen as “good” and “special”. This is a part of the human experience, and it is not a bad quality to want to be seen as good and special. It is simply human nature.
 
When we try to face the parts of us that we don’t like within the self, the natural reaction is to be harsh and judgmental. We want to fight against it and disown it. This is where the reaction to “fix” comes into play. We think that if we can fix things then people will love us, and everything will be ok.
 
Let me say this again. There is nothing to fix. Accept, love, embrace- yes. That’s where the work is. It is not about changing anything about yourself.
 
But, HOW?
 
Everyone talks a big game about self-love but what does it actually mean? What it really gets down to is knowing yourself really well so that you know what your needs are and then making sure those are met. When we have our needs met, we can show up with love and compassion (which extends to our self and others).
 
When I try to identify my needs I think about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Do I have ample food, water, shelter, clothing, and enough sleep, which all relate to physical needs. Do I feel safe- which includes physical safety, financial safety, and health and well-being? Do I feel like I belong to a friend group, my family and intimate relationships? 
 
And then the biggie. Do I have self-esteem? Am I taking care of our needs for self-worth? Am I acknowledging my gifts and what I bring to the world?
 
Oof. This is heavy stuff. It’s really deep for a blog.  Stick with me.
 
Think about it like you are treating yourself like your own best friend. Your best friend wants you to be happy. So they want to make sure you have what you need. If you’re sick, they bring you soup. If you’re having a crappy day, they listen and tell you it’s going to be ok. They tell you that you’re awesome and they love you and support you no matter what.
 
When was the last time you did this for yourself? Do you tell yourself “you got this” when you hit a bump in the road of life? Do you brush yourself off, pick up and keep going when you fail? Do you tell yourself “Damn, you look good today!” when looking in the mirror?
 
When we extend kindness to ourselves in the way that our best friend would, we are building our esteem as well as our sense of belonging. Because you belong to yourself first before you belong anyplace else. This is compassion for the self. This is the journey: to accept the good and the bad. And it takes practice, it doesn’t happen over night. It’s so much easier to do it for another person than to do it for the self, but this is
 
So before I get deeper into recognizing your shadow, I want to ask you- do you think you have worth? Do you see it? Do you feel like you are enough?
 
This week, I encourage you to look at your self talk. Do you beat yourself up for making mistakes? Do you expect perfectionism and get angry when you fail? How do you handle failures? Or have you learned to be your own best friend as say “That’s ok, it will get better. I’m here for you.”
 
Hit reply to this email and let me know your big takeaway from today’s post. How are you doing with your self compassion? Where can you be your own best friend? 

Bless this Mess

Like the embroidered pin cushion, I'm not apologizing for my mess. I accept it.

Last week was a challenge for me.
 
I was playing a silly made-up game with cards to identify our past, present and future. When I excitedly drew the card that would represent my present, it was blank. My present was blank. And my immediate reaction was “That’s exactly how I feel right now.”
 
Last week I was consumed with emotions that I just went a bit numb. I was low energy. I wasn’t completely present with people. I was just trying to get through.
 
What brought this on? I had an overwhelming confrontation with my own shadow. If you’re not familiar with the term shadow, let me start with an example. You know how in Peter Pan he gets separated from his shadow? Peter doesn’t feel whole without his shadow, it’s an important part of who he is. His shadow is mischievous and playful. It enjoys making Peter chase him, and it doesn’t really want to be captured. When Wendy sews the shadow back, Peter feels whole again.
 
Carl Jung really popularized shadow work, and while it has taken many forms in the self-development world, I still resonate most deeply with his work. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." The shadow is the part of oneself that we do not see. Just like when an object stands in the sun, the shadow is cast behind and mostly stays out of view. A person’s shadow is the dark side that is hard to see in oneself, but easier to see in another person.
 
The shadow is normally the place where we have disowned parts of the self, and may contain what we categorize the more “negative” emotions like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, etc. The more we hide them and fight against them, the stronger they grow.
 
Last week, my shadow hit a point where it would not be ignored any longer. It stepped out, loud and clear, and demanded my attention. My shadow was reflected back to me as clearly as my own reflection in a mirror. The veil I use to hide this part dropped and there it was:
I’m self-righteous and have high expectations
I’m a know-it-all with a holier-than-thou attitude
I’m bossy
I burn white hot and I don’t care if you get burned in my process
I’m more stubborn than a pack of mules
I’m judgmental
I’m self-centered
I give way too many fucks, and it drives me crazy which I sometimes take out on others
 
It’s hard to write this because I have a tendency to beat myself up for my flaws and be way too hard on myself. I do not share them as a way to do that, but as a way to free myself from the shame I carry with my shadow. It’s hard to write, and it feels as vulnerable as stripping naked in front of you. Nowhere to hide. Look, like or don’t like, leave or stay. This is me, fully and completely. My intention is to bring in the light and to integrate these parts more fully into myself with compassion.
 
I spend a lot of my time trying to mask these traits or keep them in check, like a shirt that doesn’t want to stay tucked in. And I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting them, so I’m giving up the fight and accepting them as a part of me.
 
It’s important for the process and for my own mental health to accept that the shadow isn’t wrong. Part of the process I am going through is to see them for the purpose they are serving and their benefits. For me, these traits are actually what make me a great coach. It also helps me to be an achiever and accomplish a lot of things that other people don’t attempt. I can make decisions quickly, and I’m comfortable in leadership roles. I get shit done.
 
They also protect my heart. When I feel like I’m in danger of being hurt, the shadow lashes out to protect me. Sometimes these protective dogs are a little too eager to jump out.  Last week my shadow was unbalanced, and overeager to protect. Thankfully I have support from my coach to help navigate it. I know I don’t have to “fix” or “heal” my shadow.
 
But what I feel called to do is to soften.
 
I don’t need Dobermans on the attack anytime someone gets close.
 
Danielle LaPorte says, “Open, gentle heart. Big fucking fence.” Brene Brown says, “Strong back, soft front, wild heart.” I’m not great at soft. It’s practice. It’s opening. It’s making missteps when I lash out and feel like I’m in danger. It’s relying on old practices instead of questioning and discovering what is really working for me.
 
And here is what is helping me. Here is my personal pep talk.
 
Process. Progress. Not perfection.
 
Courage, dear heart. The journey of living a life full out doesn’t come without pain and mistakes. It’s messy. But we hope that if we use those mistakes to learn and grow, that we become more of our authentic self. That we can live our best life each day. And that the people who love us forgive us for our missteps (and we extend the same to them) because we are going through this as an individual and as a pack of humans.
 
Next week I will talk more about identifying your shadow and how to begin to dance with it. It’s not a fight or a struggle, no one wins in that. We want to find ways to embrace all of ourselves, even the stuff we hide away and feel ashamed of. We are whole beings, full or light and dark. That’s what life is. We want all of it to be a part of our experience. 

What resonates for you from this? What is your takeaway? I'm going to continue talking about our shadow- how to identify it and how to accept it- next time. What questions do you have about your shadow?

Think the universe is sending you a sign?

Does it ever feel like the universe is telling you to reach out to an ex?

No? Just me?

Do you ever feel like the universe is sending you a sign? You weren’t even asking or looking for a sign, and yet there it was? As clear as day and undeniable.
 
Maybe this seems familiar. I have gone through this cycle so many times, it feels like a song as familiar to my brain as “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies (admit it, you know all the words too). Here is a common situation. I’ve been broken up with the ex long enough that I’m not thinking about him all the time. And then a certain song comes on the radio that reminds me of our relationship. And then I drive by a restaurant where he took me to dinner, and I see an ad for a rerun of that TV episode that made us laugh so hard.  These must be signs, right? I’m supposed to reach out to my ex!
 
The romantic part of me says that it’s a great idea to reach out. But it’s not the universe, it’s my brain. My brain is making me think that I’m being given mysterious clues, but it’s just neuroscience. I hate to be the bearer of bad news if you are like me and see the grand romantic movie plot unfolding in my life. But it’s really just science. Here’s what’s really going on.
 
When our brain gets excited about something, it subconsciously starts looking for it more. So, when that special song came on the radio I thought “Oh wow, I this makes me think of George.” (I’ve never dated a George, it’s just an example) And since time has probably passed since George and I dated, I have warm, happy memories come back. Our brains are great at forgetting pain, hurt, and anger, especially after a long period of time. Our brain will subconsciously decide to look for more things that make me think about George.
 
I knooooow, this is really an unfair trick of the brain. Making us do things subconsciously...jeez… And to make matters worse, the brain then uses confirmation bias to prove that this subconscious thought it correct, so it spends all it’s time scanning for proof that you’re right. So, after hearing that one song, it is purposefully looking for other validation to think about George.
 
If you find yourself thinking you’re getting a sign, you have a choice to make. Behind Door #1 you can reach out to your ex. Behind Door #2 you can take a time out.
 
Let’s say you choose Door #1. I can’t say for certain what will happen. Things change all the time, and situations surprise us. In my experience, however, exes belong in the past because they are an ex for a reason. Warm, fuzzy memories will stick around for a little while through the honeymoon phase but pretty soon the same problems that were there the first time will come back.
 
Behind Door #2, you take a pause and choose yourself. Recognize that your brain is doing what it was designed to do, but you can also break the patterns. Refocus on yourself and think about what makes you happy. Focus on your own happiness, just for a moment. What’s a song that you love to dance to? Maybe do some yoga or get some exercise. Take a hot shower or a nice relaxing bath. Fill yourself with good feelings, and re-evaluate the situation after you are feeling really happy with yourself. What do you really want?

Sometimes those signs are pointing to something that you really do want. Sometimes it's just an illusion. But the best way to discern is to do so when you're feeling happy and full. From that satisfied place, you can look at what's happening and what is true. Just like you don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry, don't make decisions when you're feeling less than happy and full.
 
I’ll be the first one to be honest and tell you that relationships are tricky. We get flooded with feel-good chemicals, and we want to feel those again. It can feel like things are a little bit out of your control, and that’s ok because we all feel that way. The best way to take control of your life is to return to the most important relationship – the one you have with yourself. The stronger that relationship, the stronger you are in the world.
 
How do you make an investment in your relationship with yourself? What activities make you happy? Hit reply and tell me what you do to make yourself a priority.
 
Lots of love,
Sarah

PS. I love this topic, and next week I will explore the difference between intuition and impulse. This is something I am constantly revisiting, because it is evolving in my life. if you have stories about intuition and impulses, please send them my way! 

How to Have an Uncomfortable Conversation

As a former people-pleaser and a perfectionist, I did everything in my power to avoid uncomfortable conversations. I was worried I would lose the other person’s respect and love. And I thought it would be easier to twist myself into a pretzel becoming a more “agreeable” version of myself than it would be to have an uncomfortable conversation.

But I’ve learned we just have to have an uncomfortable conversation sometimes. You might be asking what are the nuts and bolts of an uncomfortable conversation? How do you actually do it?

Let’s first look at the ways not to do it.

I used to vomit my feelings on the other person. I didn’t have a structure for the conversation and I normally held my feelings in for too long. The other person would be stunned, because they had no context for where this came from. It was also confusing because it was literally the opposite of my “cool girl” behavior where I tried to be exactly what I thought he wanted.

A successful uncomfortable conversation is not a lecture. It’s not jumping up on a soapbox and proclaiming your opinion as the one and only way. This method is extremely one-sided and leaves no room for the other person to contribute.

Got it? Good. Let’s look at how to have those uncomfortable conversations so they are productive. This is what works best for me, and you should feel free to tweak it to meet your own needs. I encourage people to write down their reflection when preparing for the conversation. It allows you to get everything out of your brain and in a place where you can see it and organize it.

My first step is to prepare yourself with what exactly is bothering you. You can recognize that something is bothering you because you will feel off- it might be low energy, unexplained sadness or anger, it might be thoughts that won’t stop running in your brain. Take some quiet time and sit with the feeling. What is coming up? When did you start feeling this way? Why is it important to you? What do you need to be different?

Next, assess what is your responsibility in the problem. You can’t blame the other person for everything, but you also are not responsibility for everything. That would be over-functioning. Ask yourself, how can I show up fully in my half of this relationship? What needs to be expressed to the other person? Were feelings hurt? Do you need to share a boundary or make a request?

Once you feel like you have a handle on what needs to be said, ask to have the conversation. This gives it a framework, which can feel comforting. Ask the person for a time to talk.

Please avoid accidentally blindsiding the other person with your conversation, and you make sure to have their full attention. It also gives the opportunity to schedule a better time. Yes, I am saying you want to schedule an uncomfortable conversation. You want both people to be able to relax and focus with minimal distractions. It is also helpful to provide a time frame too, so the person knows this isn’t something you intend to drag on into a huge conversation all night long.

This would look like “I have a few things I need to talk about in regard to _______­­­­______. Do you have 10 minutes now or would later be better?”

Now that you are in your conversation, express yourself honestly from your point of view. Avoid pointing fingers. A great way to do this is to use the classic “I feel” statement. For example, let’s say your partner curses so much that it offends you. This looks like “After our conversation the other day, I feel a little angry. I realized that we hit a sensitive area for me. I completely respect your right to use curse words. But may I make a simple request and ask that you not use that language around me? If you’re not able to do this, I will need to leave.”

Let’s break this down.

Acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledging your feelings is part of how you take ownership of your 50% of the relationship. You know those feelings are your responsibility. The negative feelings were an indicator that something was off, and you located the problem. (this is what you did in step one)

Respect the other person’s free will. You will never, ever be able to control another person’s actions. If you show that you respect this, the other person can relax and listen from a more open place.

Make an ask. I like the phrase “May I make a simple request?” The people pleaser in me likes this because it reinforces that I am not asking for something big or unreasonable. You want to be clear about what you are asking from the other person. Be clear and concise.

Set a boundary. If your needs are not met, there is a consequence. You must uphold the boundary as well. If you make a request and your partner does not meet your request on a regular basis, then you must uphold your end of the bargain. Actions have consequences.

There you have it. That’s the structure of how I have an uncomfortable conversation, and why I do it this way. How do you see this applying in your life? Is this useful to you? Reply and let me know! 

Do You Believe in Magic?

I was in Scotland with my family, and we booked a bus tour to the Isle of Skye. The natural beauty is stunning, and it’s everywhere. Like most bus tours, we had a set itinerary with scheduled stops where we could get off the bus and take photos.
 
The day was a typical Scottish fall day. It was quite chilly and drizzly, which made it impossible to get completely warm because you felt constant dampness in the air and on your clothes. We made a stop at Kiltrock, which required a short hike from the bus. As my family and I trudged along, I was suddenly stopped. A man with a French accent told me I was beautiful and insisted on a selfie. I thought I misheard him and made him repeat himself.
 
I couldn’t stop giggling. Sure, it was cheesy. But it also felt fun. And it’s even better with a French accent. His name was Nicholas. His friends were laughing at him, but I didn’t care. We chatted briefly, and he asked to see me later. We tried to coordinate schedules, but our itineraries were set and they just didn't line up. I would be in Inverness when he stayed on Skye. I would be leaving Edinburgh for home on the day he arrived in Edinburgh. We had to part ways without any more than this selfie (below) and his kiss on my hand.
 
What could have happened? In the movie version of my life, Nicholas and I would meet up in a pub, stay up talking all night, and decide that we needed to be in each other’s lives. But I'm not living in a romantic comedy, and I'm not Meg Ryan. There will always be the question of "what if" that lingers in the back of my head.
 
What if I had been travelling solo, which is usually how I prefer to travel for this very reason. What if we actually got to know each other? At least then I would know if he was a complete jerk, which is likely since normal random strangers don’t stop other strangers simply because they are beautiful. What if he hadn’t stopped me at all?
 
For Type A people like myself, we tend to overschedule our lives because having a sense of control makes us feel comfortable. If it’s scheduled, we know what to expect. We know where to be (and who to be because we know what’s expected of us). The problem with overscheduling is that there is no room for magic to come in.
 
There is also an element of wanting to live in the fantasy of "what if" because it's safer. No need to risk getting hurt and heartbroken. No need to be disappointed. 

Often what the universe has in store for us is far beyond what we can conceive for ourselves. And yes, sometimes that involves heartbreak. But when the heart breaks, it heals. And the spot where it heals will be stronger than it was before.
 
But it will never get to show you if you don’t leave some wiggle room and loosen your grip a little bit.
 
Brene Brown said “The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.” If you’re looking for a wake up call, this is it. Let go a little bit more today and move a little more in the flow. Where can you relax and take your hands off the steering wheel? Where can you let some magic enter into your life?

Real life is so much better than fantasies of what if. It is just as magical and unexpected, if you give it the chance to show you. 
 
 
I encourage you to share this blog with someone who might also need a little wake-up call as well, someone that needs to see there is magic in possibility.
 

Why All That Pressure?

Have you found yourself feeling really nervous before a date? Stressing out about wearing the perfect outfit, asking the right questions, and acting the right way? 

I think we've all been there. Those pre-date jitters. On one level, they are fun and exciting but on another level they are terrifying. But what are those jitters really about? 

If we take a step back and look at why we're feeling nervous, we realize we are feeling that way because we have an expectation. We are putting a lot of pressure on this one interaction because we are worried it's our only chance at a life-long happy partnership.

When I say it like that it looks pretty silly, right? All this expectation and pressure on just one interaction? Seems ridiculous but we do it ALL the time. 

It's the subject of today's video, and I encourage you to check it out here.

As a side note, I was preparing the email for this week and I realized how strongly this topic parallels to so many other areas of our lives where we create unnecessary pressure. We're trying to make a diamond, when what we really want is a snowflake. Even if you're not dating, I encourage you to watch the video because there might be something useful for you, too. 

Look, I know it can be tough out there in the dating world. it feels like it takes forever to find a somewhat decent guy to actually spend time with on a Thursday night (let alone a guy that's worthy of a weekend date). And then, when we finally get to the date, it seems like a big let down.

I want to help make dating a bit easier for you. That's why I'm doing a free webinar, Why It's Hard to Get a Guy (And What You Can Do About It) tomorrow March 14 at 1pm Eastern Time. 

I'm going to be addressing some of today's issues that are making it harder now to find a guy, plus I'm going to be offering some guidance to shift how women approach the dating landscape to make it so much easier. Everything I teach has been tested and honed by yours truly, and I can't wait to share it! 

You can sign up to attend the free webinar here: https://sarahcurnoles.lpages.co/why-its-hard-webinar

I hope you will join me tomorrow! (and even if you can't be there live, I will be sending a recording afterwards)
 

First Dates Can Be Rough. Take It From Me.

I was the queen of the first date. For most of my twenties, I was great at getting a guy to ask me out for the first date, but I never understood why there wasn’t a second.
 
I’d go out. Engage in witty banter. I would wear my best outfit.  We’d talk about work and our friends and families and what we were passionate about. Usually, there was a goodnight kiss. (And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a great kisser. I am 100% confident in my kissing abilities.)
 
When he didn’t ask me out for the next date, I felt distraught. I tried so hard to be the person he wanted me to be. I tried to be what I thought he was looking for: the perfect blend of sexy, independent, cute, funny, smart, accomplished, and nurturing.
 
I couldn’t figure it out.
 
All these years later, it’s clear to me what I was doing wrong. I made the same mistake a lot of people make on a date by staying on the surface level of connection. We talked about what we had in common, not about the topics that would actually make a difference. In this week’s video, I talk about how to take that surface level connection and turn it into something that will go deeper and will foster a better connection. It will also help you evaluate if you like the person across from you, and if your values line up.  
 
Check out the video here.

I felt really frustrated when I was trying to figure out why all my dates seemed to fail and never get a relationship off the ground. It reminds me of when my iPhone wouldn’t turn on, so I panicked and took my iPhone to the Genius Bar. I was freaking out. And my Genius was so calm, she methodically went through a checklist of options to fix my phone. I commented “You’re lucky to work here. I bet when this happens to you, you’re cool as a cucumber because you know it can be fixed.” And she said something very wise to me:
 
“No, I’m a mess! When it’s your problem, you can’t see the answer.”
 
It is always going to be easier for a person outside of the situation to be able to breathe, take a look around, and see the possibilities for solutions. We can cultivate this, and that’s why I teach. Because I want to empower women to be their own best guide, and so that they have somewhere to turn when they need someone on the outside to help.
 
I’m going to be offering a free webinar about recognizing and solving one of the biggest dating problems: Why is it so hard to get a guy? In this webinar, I dissect the problem that many women are having with dating right now- there are so many options, but the quality seems to be lacking.
 
And I’m not going to show you a problem without giving you an answer, of course! I will then help women see what they can do to answer the question and actually start finding great guys.

If you’re a single woman who is dating and wants to understand this better, I hope you will join me on Wednesday March 14 at 1pm EST for my free webinar called Why It’s Hard to Get a Guy (And What You Can Do About It). You can register by clicking here.
 
Even if you can’t be there live, only people that are registered will receive the recorded playback. 
 
I’m already jumping out of my seat with all the juicy information I will be delivering to you. I just can’t wait!

How to Prepare to Create Connection

If you haven’t seen it yet, a woman is in her doctor’s office being asked routine questions about any pain she might be experiencing. With each question, the woman downplays her painful experiences, but her inner voice is arguing with her to speak up and tell the truth about how bad it really feels.  In the end, the woman says that it all feels awful.

I was listening to this ad for the hundredth time and an alarm bell went off. This is exactly what happened to me when I was dating all through my twenties and early thirties.

I remember so many of my dates where I was sitting across from a guy, and for whatever reason I lied to him about what I wanted, what I was looking for, or who I am. And every time I lied in order to be more of what I thought he wanted, my inner voice was quietly trying to advocate for what I really wanted. It would whisper “But you’re really looking for a guy that will treat you right and may be interested in marriage someday.” “You are nothing like this.” “He’s not that funny, why are you laughing?”  I twisted myself into a pretzel to try to become exactly what I thought he would want me to be. And then I wondered why I never felt a connection.
 
What I was missing all along was the truth. And I found it by asking myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I was preparing for my dates completely backwards.

In this video, I talk about ways to prepare for a date that have nothing to do with how you look on the outside.

https://youtu.be/bOlgXZwA9aE

No one teaches a person to ask these questions before dating. We say vague things like “Love yourself before you love someone else” but we never talk about what it takes to actually love yourself. Asking yourself questions like the ones in the video is the first step to knowing yourself better because you are actually being honest.

This is what I’m all about. Be honest, get clarity, then get what you really want. This is exactly the prep work you need to do to establish if there is a connection with the person across the dinner table from you. Because if you’re not honest and clear, there is too much standing in the way to allow for a connection.

What was your biggest takeaway from the video? What is one question you plan to ask yourself before going on a date? 

Four Things to Learn from the PowerPoint Tinder Guy

Have you heard about this brilliant British 21-year old? This guy used PowerPoint to create a successful Tinder profile and it made me think "Why didn't I think of that?"

He took something that practically everyone does and twisted it to  catch attention and to set himself apart. He looked at the convention of Tinder, where we just post photos and short bios, and he decided to give prospective dates a playful glimpse into what he’s really like.
 
Here’s what we can all learn from him when we are presenting ourselves online, in any format.
 
 

1. Let yourself be quirky and dorky while showing your sense of humor.

I’ve said this before, but dating isn’t about trying to make everyone like you. It’s quite the opposite. It’s actually preferable to have fewer people like you as long as they like you for who you really are. You want to sort as quickly and efficiently as possible, and the people that are not a good fit can exit. You want people to quickly say “No that’s not for me” or “Yes! This person has so many excellent qualities that I’m looking for!”
 
Attraction is so much deeper than looks, but unfortunately we make assumptions based on looks. When I was on Tinder, I had a rule that selfies in a bathroom mirror or in your car was an automatic elimination. I made assumptions about who that person was, even though I could be totally wrong. So you want to be presenting yourself in a way that shows clearly who you really are so people can accurately judge if it is a fit or not. If you're not sure what you're saying nonverbally, ask a trusted friend of the opposite sex to give his opinion.
 
Honesty and authenticity is attractive, even if it is hard to hear the truth or we think that the truth will get us rejected. What Sam is saying (without actually saying it) is that he’s a bit dorky, he values spending time with his friends and family, drinking is still important to him, and he’s looking for someone to have fun with but the future isn’t necessarily clear.
 
 

1. Be ok with being different, bending the rules, and doing things your own way

 
It is hard for us to be different. Instinct says that if we fit in then we will be part of a tribe and we are more likely to survive. However, in this day and age your tribe isn’t necessarily where you live, so you have to intentionally find your tribe. And that probably means you are going to have to be different from everyone else around you.
 
Sam used the visual medium to his advantage and created a visual representation that expressed who he is and what he’s offering to a potential match. Just like any good salesman, he is going to catch your attention first then show you benefits.
 
He tells you right at the beginning that he is going to answer the question “Why you should swipe right” and he delivers. He knows that the reason is deeper than physical attractiveness, a woman needs to be able to picture her life with a guy not just if he is handsome or not. Ask yourself "What do I have to offer?"
 

1. Highlight your strengths, laugh at your weaknesses

You know what I really love about this? He laughs at himself. You immediately know that he’s not taking life or himself too seriously, which makes me feel relaxed immediately.
 
Your sense of humor, honesty, and cleverness are assets. Showing these parts of yourself are not about being perfect, it's about being who you really are with your best friends. When writing your profile, write the way you talk.

This can be a little intimidating because we want to show, not tell. And Sam does this instantly by creating a PowerPoint in the first place. It’s already hilarious, and nerdy. We’re on his side. Now he can use the medium to show what’s great about himself and he can laugh at some of his weaknesses (“not the worst at sex.”) I think it’s great that he comes out and mentions sex in a way that subtly says, “I want this, but there’s more to me than just that.”
 
I love the fake reviews, but I think there is a missed opportunity here. I would love to see some real people (maybe his best friend) actually say something nice about what he brings to the table. I like that he writes, “My friends think I’m funny”  because there is something charmingly self-deprecating about. Plus, it is so much better than simply saying “I’m funny.”  So why not use that to your advantage to highlight something that other people notice about you? What do your best friends say about you?
 
 

1. Always, always, always make ‘em laugh. At least, make him smile.

Smiling will naturally bond the two of you. We can’t help it as humans. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.
 
If you’d like, you can borrow this from Joseph Gordon Levitt, who I think is a master at making people laugh.
 
 
What did you think of the PowerPoint Tinder profile? What was your biggest lesson about putting yourself out there? Let me know! 

Lots of love,
Sarah