What To Say To The Voice That Says "You Should Be Further Along"

I am in my mid-thirties, and most of my friends are married (many also have kids). I have attended and been in more weddings than I care to count. And I have friends going through divorces before I’ve even had an engagement.

Most of the time I’m ok with this. I’m happy for my friends’ happiness and partnership. I’m inspired by them. But sometimes I beat myself up because it seems like they are so much farther down the path of life, and I’m left behind. I feel bad for not having my life all figured out. 

The persistent angry voice in my head is screaming, “What’s wrong with you?! Why aren’t you married yet?” 

Maybe you can relate. Maybe the voice in your head isn’t quite so angry, maybe it’s more despondent about being alone and lonely forever and you’re just a loser so accept and settle for this solo life. 

Whatever that voice in your head is telling you, I have the perfect retort. It surprised my inner critic into a moment of silence. 

“Calm the F’ down. Please and thank you.” 

I don’t curse all that much, so it was a bit of a surprise. The harshness worked in my favor. 

Here’s what’s really going on when that voice is getting really angry and pushy:

That voice is freaking out because it is worried about you and your survival. It’s worried that because your life doesn't look like everyone else’s, and to our inner caveman/woman being different = death. 

But it is only focusing on one small part of the world’s population. There are lots of people that do not have partners. Let’s use that logic to quiet the pushy, angry voice. 

Let your brain see new evidence. You are NOT alone. In fact, you are so far from being alone you might as well be in the middle of Grand Central Station surrounded by people just like you but you’re not even seeing them. Start looking for the evidence.

Here’s what to do: Challenge that inner voice to think of one person you know who is not in a couple. Think of one. (I’ll give you a hint- I’m not in a couple! Feel free to start with me.)

Once you think of one person that’s single, think of another one. Maybe Google badass single celebrities if you need some ideas. Give your inner voice lots of examples of other people that are living their life without being in a couple. 

Once you’ve collected evidence that you’re not alone, that voice quiets down a bit. It might say, “oh, I didn’t know that Mindy Kaling was still single. Damn, she’s awesome. And she’s a mom. OK, I see you, Mindy” 

Your brain can easily get stuck in compare and despair mode. When you are comparing your life to others and getting sad that it looks different, it brings down your entire day. And it takes you off track from getting what you really want. Instead of getting stuck there, take the offensive position. Take charge by telling the voice to Calm the F’ Down and take the back seat so you can drive this ship. 

You don’t have to listen to every little voice in your head. You’re the boss of you. You decide the direction that your life will take. 

So who would you rather listen to? The one telling you that you’re doing everything wrong? Or the badass that says, “This is how we’re going to live our life. No one else gets to decide what makes me happy. We’re going to make decisions. We know what we want, and we are going for it.”

I see that little bit of badass peeking through. ;) Let it out! You got this.

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.