How Will You Respond?

I want to share with you what’s on my heart today.

My day started with some really weird news, and it threw me for a loop. I started to spin out thinking of all the awful things that could possibly come from this twenty-word text. I watched my cheerfulness slide into sadness, despair and fear.

When I noticed the change in my mood, I had a choice. I could let that take over my Monday. Or I could do something different.

I chose to go for a walk. I put on a podcast by one of my favorite life coaches and I got exactly what I needed.

I literally got called out by name because of a review I wrote weeks ago. This life coach said I was one of her favorite people and seeing my name gave her joy.

I’m not saying that to brag, I’m saying that because I got called out and I got called up. That coach sees me, sees my gift and knows I have a lot of goodness to bring.

I am here to bring joy. I don’t have to fall into sadness and self-pity. There are people out there who know me well enough, look forward to hearing from me and need some joy.

Can I be real with you? I’ve been feeling sadness, despair, fear and self-pity for a while now. I have felt really lost and confused. I have been dealing with it with therapy and lots of self-coaching and long conversations with people who care about me.

I knew I didn’t like where I was but I didn’t know how to get what I wanted. Or even how to identify what I wanted. I just knew that this wasn’t it.

Today I realized how much I can bring right now. And I get to choose. And I choose joy.

“Life is a series of moments in time. Life is a series of now, after now, after now.” -Allyson Byrd

Right now, I want you to know that this feeling you may have right now isn’t permanent. You will get another now, and another, and another.

What do you want to feel right now?

Whatever it is, you can create it. One moment at a time.

If you are ready to claim how you want to feel and work towards what you want in life, maybe it’s time to explore a relationship with a coach. Having a coach changed my life, and if I am able to be that for someone else it is truly an honor. If you’re ready to explore that, please schedule a free 60 minute Discovery Call. Check it out here.

If a Caterpillar Can Do It, You Can Too

There is a caterpillar growing on a dill plant in the backyard.

Each day I get to play “Where’s Waldo” and locate where he has moved to. I have seen him eating and growing. 

This is really exciting for my roommate and I because a few weeks ago we had baby caterpillars all over the dill plant. And then we watched as hornets attacked and killed them. 

Neither of us were aware that hornets attacked caterpillars, but we watched the carnage happen right before our eyes. I will spare you the gory details, but it was the equivalent of a nature-based version of a “Saw” movie.

And yet, this is the cycle. Some caterpillars grow until they become big enough to turn to butterflies. And some die gruesome deaths. It’s all balanced by nature.

Caterpillars and butterflies are commonly used as metaphors for embracing change. We even used it in coach training to talk about the different phases of change. 

Phase 1 - the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and dissolves into goo. It must completely dissolve its physical form. For us humans, this is that point where you feel like you have been thrust into a change and everything feels awful. This could be a change you initiated like planning to get pregnant or did not choose like getting fired from your job.

Phase 2 - the caterpillar begins to restructure its molecules in preparation of becoming a butterfly. In our lives, this phase is when you begin to dream about what life will be like after this change. What do you want it to be like? 

Phase 3 - the caterpillar begins to change form into the butterfly. And it develops strength by pushing against the walls of the cocoon until it breaks through. Phase three is when you start doing the work towards your goals. It is hard work, often more difficult and time consuming than expected. And that’s ok! This is how you build strength. 

Phase 4 - the butterfly is out of the cocoon and is free to fly! In this part of the phase, you get to reap the rewards of all your hard work and efforts! Enjoy the ride! Keep asking yourself “How good can things get?”

As I reflected on my backyard caterpillar, I had to ask myself, “what phase covers the caterpillars who died?” 

In my opinion, it’s a hidden part of the cycle. I don’t think change goes perfectly through four phases. These mini deaths could happen at any time, pulling us back into phase one.

A mini death is when you experience a change and it brings a new awareness. Mini deaths are necessary to grow.

It’s not pleasant to experience a mini death. But you will be ok. You have done hard things before and you will survive uncomfortable things. We can do uncomfortable things. It’s all a part of the process. 

And the beauty is that it builds your strength and capacity. On the other side of change is an equal amount of loving kindness waiting for you to receive it. That is the gift awaiting you.

Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” 

This little caterpillar has come so far already. And think of all that is yet to come for him. 

Just like you and me. There is so much beauty and love yet to come.

Put Yourself Out There

Asking is Vulnerable. It's also Courageous.

Ever get the feeling like you’re not really happy with your current situation but you don’t know how to get the life you want?


Maybe you’re single and you’d rather be partnered up. Or you wish you made more at your job. Or you wish you worked in another industry all together.

You spend time fantasizing and then telling yourself what you can’t have. 

 

Maybe you spend your down time scrolling on social media and thinking how much better other people have it.

 

“It’s so easy for her. She’s got a great life. I wish my life was like that.”  ←Yeah, I know those thoughts. They sound eerily familiar.

 

There is a way to flip this to make it empowering and exciting for what is yet to come in your life. 

 

There is a reason you are feeling that itch of jealousy. Jealousy is just pointing you towards what your soul is longing for.

 

And nobody gets anything in this life without identifying what they want and then asking for it. 

 

  • You want to make more money? Ask for the raise.

  • You want a sweet lover? Join the dating app and make a profile that shines. 

  • You want to roadtrip in an RV? Call for a rental quote. 

 

It’s really easy to sit at home and wallow in the things that you think could never be possible. It’s only impossible if you never ask for what you want. 

 

Yeah, it takes some courage to ask. I totally get that it’s scary. It’s vulnerable to say that you really want something. Because there is the possibility that you won’t get it.

 

It’s human nature to fear rejection. But that is not an excuse to never try. 

 

Nothing is certain in life. Even our past is interpreted by memory and thoughts, so even our past is not even certain. (ever talk about childhood memories with a sibling and realize you two have completely different stories about what happened?!?)

 

You have the ability to change the ending to your story. You can either be the person who went for it and tried. Or you’re not. 

 

Who do you think has a better chance at getting what they want?

 

Here is some Brené Brown to reflect on: 

 

 “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brené Brown

 

Ask for what you want. Be vulnerable enough to put yourself out there and risk having the life you dream of. 

 

You will be surprised at what comes back from your moment of courage. It doesn’t always look the way you thought it would. But there is always a response to courage. 

Have you asked for something recently? Have you put yourself out there in a vulnerable and courageous way? Hit reply and tell me all about it. I can't wait to cheer you on.

Stop Waiting to be Fearless

There is no such thing as fearless

These days, fear hangs heavy in the air as if it’s here to stay like Baltimore’s summer humidity. It seems to be everywhere even though you can’t see it.

I won’t say it’s a welcome companion, but it is here whether you like it or not. Like a pesky younger sibling on a roadtrip. Can’t they stop poking me and leave me alone to play my Game Boy in peace?!! 

But I digress. 

I hearing people say they are delaying their dreams because they are afraid now is not the right time.

They are afraid to start something new because of COVID. They worry that they can’t ask for money from people to support their new business idea. Or they are afraid to put themselves out there and date. 

“Someday,” they say. “When this is all over and the world returns to normal.”

When it comes to change, I learned that there is no returning to normal. And fear is a normal companion to change.

When we are faced with challenges, whether we choose the challenge or not, there is no going back. 

Just like Dorothy got swept up in the tornado even though she didn’t ask for it. She goes away to a magical world and finds her brains, heart, courage and sense of home. And even though she returns to Kansas, she does not come back the same woman. She is forever changed for the better, and she is a braver and truer version of herself.

Fear does not determine when we take action towards change. Sometimes you are thrust into change and you choose how to react.

Fear holds you in a tiny jail cell. Trapped. 

You can wait for fear to leave. And you will continue to sit and wait forever, because fear doesn't simply leave.

But you can leave. The good news is that the cell is not locked. You have all the power to decide to walk out of the cell.

When you make the decision to take a small action step, you take your power back.

Fear will follow you, but it never deserves to be in the power role. It makes a horrible leader. Because all it wants to do is sit and be a jail cell. 

We must learn how to take small action steps and take control of our lives knowing that fear will be around. But never in control. 

There is no such thing as fearless. Fear will always along for the ride, but we learn how to navigate life alongside fear.

It is ok to feel scared. It’s ok to notice that fear is nearby. 

It is not ok to give your power away. 

You are the decision maker of your own life. You choose to sit in a jail cell, or open the door and take a step out. 

What will you choose?

If you feel like you’re done with fear and ready to move, it's time to build a power team. Having supportive people around you to cheer you on will help you when times get tough. They remind you of your true power.

If you want a partner to help you to reach outside your comfort zone, a coach can be an important part of your team. 

If you want to explore coaching, book a free 60 minute call for us to talk about your goals and what’s holding you back. Answer the call to step out of fear, and get you free call here.

A 14 Year Old's Short Life Inspired Me to Write This

Life is short. What is your focus?

Here in Baltimore, a local legend died last night.

Fourteen year old Mo Gaba regularly called a local radio station to talk sports after school. His passion was infectious. One day, the radio station decided to surprise him at school to do their sports talk in person.

When the radio station arrived they learned Mo was blind and had cancer. In all the conversations they had with this young boy, he never mentioned this. 

Mo lived life with such passion, and never focused on his problems. He rose to local celebrity status. He was the first blind person to announce an NFL draft from Braille. He marched in parades. The boy lived a LIFE.

His death reminds me that we never know how long we have. We can squeeze as much goodness as possible out of the time we have. No matter what we can choose joy.

I’m sitting here crying as I write this and I didn't even know the kid. Something about the fullness of his short life is sitting heavy with me this morning. Wishing I lived with more appreciation.

What has struck me is how much I take for granted. 

Take a moment right now and tune into your five senses. Notice the colors you see and how vibrant and varied they are. What smells are there in the room and do they bring up any memories? Take a sip of your coffee and notice how it tastes and feels in your mouth and the way it refreshes you. Can you hear sounds in the distance? Notice the wonders of nature or ] listen to the traffic outside. It can remind you of how amazing it is to live in a time where we have cars available for our transportation. 

How cool is it that I wrote this from my laptop in one location and you are somewhere else in the world reading my words?

The character Emily in Thornton Wilder’s play “Our Town” said it best: “Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you!”

Do any of us take a moment to appreciate what we have? And can we live a full life without appreciation? 

How would you live life if you knew your time was very limited? 

What will fill your moments? 

What will you choose to focus on?

Let Mo’s story be a reminder to live your life with passion and excitement for the things that you care about. And to focus on what brings joy even when dealing with life’s curveballs and challenges. 

Now excuse me while I go eat dessert first. 

If you’re looking for more inspiration and mindfulness, I got you covered. Receive a free meditation focused on self love right here.

In case you need encouragement today

Read till the end for a special message.

How do you react when life throws you a curveball? 

 

I don’t know if anyone handles this kind of thing well. When the rug gets pulled out from under me, the first reaction is usually not pretty. Here's my experience with it.

 

At the beginning of this year, I had a contract to write social media posts. From the beginning it was clear that I was going in a different direction from what the client had in mind. But I was open to criticism and wanted to grow my skills, so I stuck with it and adapted to what she asked me to do.

 

But it wasn’t working for my client, and she ended the contract. Even though I knew this was the right move, it stung. That was a steady paycheck plus quite a blow to my ego.

 

I cried. I blew off steam with my best friend and some margaritas. And when the immediate shock wore off, I had to actually deal with what happened. 

 

And that aftermath isn’t pretty because there is no logic to feelings.

 

Sometimes I felt sad, angry or completely drained of energy. Often I was scared about money. 

 

Maybe you can relate. A lot of us are feeling all the feelings since COVID struck the US in March. We’re having to deal with uncertainty with our health, our finances and economy, and a whole lot of fear about the future. 

 

It’s a lot. No one trains us how to deal with this shit. 

 

We have to learn on our own. And most of the time we learn how to do it by going through it. You’re allowed to feel like crap after you get hit by a metaphorical hurricane (or literal).

 

You don’t have to suck it up and put on a happy face. Even if you think that other people need you to be happy, I’m going to tell you it is more valuable for the people who love you to see that you’re hurting and struggling. Your kids need to know it’s ok to go through hard times and how to handle it in the best way you can. You loved ones want to show you support.

 

The best thing you can do is to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, and move your body in a way that feels good. Ask for help and accept it.

 

If you’re struggling right now, I want you to know that it is ok. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t even have to feel good right now. You are ok to be exactly where you are, mess and all. 

 

You’re allowed to feel the full range of feelings. 

 

And if you struggle with some of the feelings I share here (hopelessness, sadness, anger, confusion, doubt - you know, all the ones we try to run from), I invite you to reach out to someone. Someone who can sit with you and listen without trying to fix your problem. This could be a loved one, a therapist, a pastor, or a coach. 

 

You’re not alone, my friend. 

And if you feel alone, you don’t have to. 

 

Know that I have been there. Maybe I haven’t had the same exact experiences as you. Maybe I’ve walked a different path and had different experiences, but I know what those deep feelings feel like. 

 

And if you need someone to sit with you, I’m here. Hit comment and let me know what you're going through.

 

If you need someone to give you permission, here it is: You are allowed to feel exactly what you’re feeling. 

My #1 Secret for Confidence

People are often surprised that I am quite insecure. When I share my insecurities with people, they tell me that I often seem so confident and fearless. They site examples from my solo-travels cross country and in Europe and my experiences with jumping into new careers and leaving the safe path behind. 

Yes, I did all those things. But I’m also human, so I am not immune to feeling fear and insecure from time to time. 

But that also means that I’m human and if I can find a way to be confident in the world, then so can you. 

So what’s my big secret to confidence?

Confidence comes from evidence.

We can feel more confident if there is evidence of what we are trying to do. 

And you can find evidence in a number of ways, and I’m going to share a few of the ways that work for me.

Borrow evidence from others

I am a voracious reader and extremely curious about people who do things that I want to do. I knew that I wanted to travel solo long, long before I actually did it. I watched documentaries, read books and articles, joined email lists and listened to blogs. I absorbed everything I possibly could about traveling, especially about traveling alone as a woman.

I read and read until I felt like I had fully absorbed the advice and I could live it without hesitation. 

I could also learn from other people’s experiences. I love memoirs and biographies and love hearing the stories of struggle. How did that person cope? What was their path? If there is something that I can learn from what they did, then I want to know! I do not want to make the same mistake twice, and if I can learn from someone else’s mistakes then I can go make new mistakes of my own.

Get competence before confidence
Competence often comes before we feel confident. We want to know everything we can possibly know, and sometimes this is where we get stuck. We think we don’t know enough so we have to learn more or become more of an expert. It’s hard to measure competence.

Competence comes from learning and doing. The best thing you can do is to learn, then try it out, and then teach it to someone else. We learn much faster if we teach what we are trying to learn. You will see the areas where you need to improve because those are the areas that are hard to teach. 

Start small
 

My first solo trip was not a multi-week commitment or extravagant abroad adventures. Nope. I did small weekend trips in my car and did a solo road trip where I also spent time visiting friends. By planning small trips I was able to manage my fear and also grow my skills. I learned my weaknesses (I get lost extremely easily, I always take longer to get somewhere than expected, and I get easily sidetracked with fun side trips) and started to learn how to plan for those. By learning myself I could create a plan to deal with any expected trouble. And when unexpected trouble came up I could deal much more easily. When I missed my connecting train in Germany and delayed my arrival with my host family, I kept my head on straight and did my best to communicate. There was nothing that could be done, so I just tried to keep my cool. 

By giving myself a small dose earlier in my life I could learn how to deal with common problems.

 

In my experience, confidence cannot be faked, which is why I hate the phrase “fake it till you make it.” When you try to fake confidence, more often that not you are coming across as fake. You’re trying too hard and your heart isn’t in it so it doesn’t feel authentic. 

You will more reliably build your own confidence if you try one of these methods. 

Would you please share this message about confidence with a friend that you think would enjoy this? Hit forward and share some love. Or share this post on Facebook with your people. Because who doesn't need a boost in confidence?!

Two Steps to Thrive During the Holidays (Not Just Survive)

Two Steps to Thrive During the Holidays (Not Just Survive)

This time of year is hectic. And the month of December is usually such a blur. Running around shopping for our loved ones, decorating, baking, attending gatherings. 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year and the most stressful.

You may think that you are already full on pleasure during the holidays because there is so much delicious food to be had. But pleasure extends beyond just food that tastes good -- pleasure is about experiencing life with all of your five senses - feel, taste, hear, sight and smell.

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How to Spot a Red Flag from a Mile Away

How to Spot a Red Flag from a Mile Away

What if you could get really good at spotting the warning signs before it gets too late? What if you could spot the red flags and actually heed the warning? Warning signs could be a tight chest or shoulders or a knot in your stomach. Or perhaps it’s an unexplainable sense that something isn’t quite right. Here are some ways to identify that you are in the presence of a red flag. When you sense these, do not ignore them! Instead, pause and get curious about them. Ask yourself “What’s that all about?”


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7 Awkward (but brilliant) First Date Questions to Lead to a Serious Relationship

First dates sometimes feel like job interviews. Or worse, like we’re stuck talking about our favorite band and can’t seem to find any traction in a real conversation. I’ve been writing about love and dating for years, and have heard or lived every possible first date scenario.

First dates are about really getting to know someone and seeing if there is compatibility on an emotional, physical and mental level. You won’t be able to learn everything, but these questions cut to the heart of the matter and help you learn more at a deeper level. The key to these questions is to ask with an open mind, and with as little judgement as possible. The more open and curious you can be, the more open the other person can be with you. And this is where you begin to see your true compatibility.

What do you think/How do you feel about that?

Asking a person what they think or feel about a particular topic moves away from conversation about what they like and into a conversation about why. I ask this question all the time, even in friendships and networking relationships. And when I ask it, it is almost like I am met with a sigh of relief. Because what I’m really asking is “let me get to know you on a deeper level.” This is the level where people what to be known and understood.

What are you looking for?

I’ll be honest that this is the question I have the hardest time asking, and my clients seem to struggle too. We are so afraid of what the answer could be. We are afraid if the answers don’t line up that the relationship is over. But if the answers don’t line up, there is no potential for a relationship anyway and you deserve to spend your time with someone that can line up with you.

When you are brave enough to ask someone what they want and to also share what you want, then you are met with a beautiful reward of a satisfying relationship. No fear that he only wants you to get laid. Or not worrying that she wants to tie you down and have babies tomorrow. (those are silly generalizations, and yet they are unspoken fears that we have going into a date and carry throughout a relationship) You can’t get what you don’t ask for.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I know this might sound a bit like an interview question. And yet, when I’m on a date I make it a fun game. I explain that I like to dream about my future and all the possibilities of what I want. And if I could have things all my way, there are certain things I’d like to have in my life. We know that we don’t always get things perfectly, but it’s fun to dream. If you are looking for a relationship with long term potential, it’s not only fun to dream together but it’s also fun to see if your ideal futures line up.

What are your dealbreakers?

A dealbreaker means that if this is present in a relationship, the relationship is over. This can come out at any time and immediately point the way to the door. So why wait until you are 5 dates in (or worse, 6 months or a year) and have real feelings involved? Most of us already know what our dealbreakers are. They are the things we must have in our life or things we absolutely cannot live with. Think back to what broke up your relationships in the past. There are no wrong answers here.

When was the last time you were tested?

Yeah I’m going there. And you don’t have to go there on a first date per se. But it’s a conversation you need to have before having sex. And someone told me forever ago that if you can’t talk about sex you probably shouldn’t be having it yet. We live in an age where we need to have this information before sharing our bodies with someone because it can have long lasting consequences.

This question can tell you a lot about a person very quickly. You can see how mature they are and how seriously they take their health and take responsibility for yours. It also lets them know this is something that you take seriously and is important to you. Having someone that is sex-positive and open to the conversation can be really sexy and show potential for a real future.

What do you hope to bring to a relationship?

I asked this (and the next question) on the first date with my current boyfriend, and I set him back on his heels. He’d never been asked anything like this, and it quickly became really fun. And we revisit these questions because as we grow sometimes these things change.

This is the equivalent to asking someone their strengths. Instead of saying “what are you good at in relationships?” you can ask someone about what they really love about being in relationships and what they hope to bring to the table.

All answers are welcome! I like to already know these answers and offer them first when I’m on a date. This helps to get the ball rolling.

What do you want from a relationship?

This is the equal reverse to the question above. It’s great to know what you’re bringing to the table in a relationship but you also have things you want from your partner. This is laying your expectations out on the table. I had a guy on a date tell me he was looking for a traditional housewife — someone to be home to clean and take care of the family. I think that’s wonderful that he wants that, but I know that’s not me. I know I want things outside of the house and I don’t have to compromise on that. So I could wish him well with no hard feelings because I would never be the person that he wants. I often have to tell my partner that my independence is really important to me, but in a relationship it’s interdependence. I like them in my life but I also like having my own safe space to retreat to and do my own thing. It’s ok to ask for what you want, and it’s also necessary.

Why are you still single?

I know this question strikes fear in the heart of long-time singles everywhere because we are used to our Great-Aunt Minnie asking some version of this question with extreme judgement. And on a date, maybe it feels like it’s also a bit judgemental. But it does not have to be a judgement that it’s wrong to be single. The way a person answers this question can reveal about who they are, how they move through life and how they see the world. You can look for potential red flags and let you know if this person is worth your time.

The goal with all of these questions is to really take a look under the hood of the car to see if it is something you are aligned with for spending a lot of time together and potentially building a life. There is a chance that you ask these questions and you learn you’re not a match. But you’ve only lost an hour or so instead of months trying to figure this out. And when you find someone that matches up with you, well, that’s just fabulous and seriously worth celebrating with a goodnight kiss.