Will You Join Me in Conversation?

There are parts of the conversation about #metoo and consent that are making us turn against each other. We're debating who is at fault, what the definitions are, and other convoluted questions. 

But someone once said "The quality of your life is determined by the quality of questions that you ask." (I'm probably paraphrasing, but you get the idea). And I think we need to ask better questions. 

So right now my questions are all about how can we use #metoo to BE better? 

Something is getting lost in the fast-paced and ever-changing culture that we live in. We are losing our connection with our true inner self, and we are replacing that connection with lots of things that seem to create connection. 

We read books by people like Brene Brown and we think we know what it takes to be vulnerable. We do self-help books and we think we are evolving. We follow Deepak Chopra and meditate every day and think we're spiritual. We're taking the right actions but we're not connecting it to ourselves and our heart and soul. 

What is becoming clear to me that was highlighted in this most recent story dealing with an anonymous woman and Aziz Ansari is that we have stopped listening to ourselves. So no wonder no one is hearing us when we think we are communicating a clear no. We're not even clear with ourself, how the hell is anyone else going to listen?

I was listening to an interview with RuPaul and Oprah yesterday, and I remembered the ending if every single episode of RuPaul's drag race: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else?" In the interview he stressed how important it is to KNOW yourself. I have to agree 100%. I think there is a breakdown between the self and our outward behaviors.

In this video, I share some thoughts and some ways we can start to connect our thoughts and behaviors. This is just the beginning of an ongoing and evolving conversation. Watch the video here. 

This is just the beginning of the conversation. 

I think the bottom line right now is that we women need to find a new strength deep inside. We need to be strong enough to prepare before entering into a sexual relationship, and we need to practice being clear with our no. We need to be stronger than the women that came before us. 

I believe that strength comes from inside, developing a strong foundation of trust within ourself, and a strong connection to yourself. A connection to your complete self, which includes your good and your bad sides, and knowing yourself inside and out. 

My thoughts and feelings continue to evolve on this subject and I know I'm not alone. I'm open to hearing you. What do you think the affect of #metoo is on dating right now? Hit reply or share in the comments of this post on Facebook. 

The Scary In-Between

Last month I talked about the process of change, and now I'm going to go a bit out of order so I can address some common concerns that come up when you are approaching change. I felt compelled to write about this specific part of change - what happens between deciding to change and actually changing - because we are in the season of resolutions. Not to mention that "change" was THE word on everyone's lips at the Golden Globes. 

I don't know about you, but I find it exhilarating to set a new goal and create a plan for how I want to achieve that goal. It's the fun part for me. I get all excited about what my future will be - I buy organization supplies and the outfits to look the part, I plan time in my calendar to take action, I journal and dream about the new me. I dreamily ask myself what are all the ways my life will be better?

And then it hits me. I will ACTUALLY have to change from the comfortable version where I am right now, and do some stuff that is really new and uncomfortable to get where I want to be. Uh oh, this is reality kicking in. 

I recently connected with someone who found herself in this exact place, and I wanted to share her story. You can watch the video here.

We all know that change isn't easy. I wrote in my blog about Phase Three of change that "this is harder than I thought it would be. And that's ok." We already expect things to be hard when we're changing, so wouldn't that make it easier since we know what to expect?

I wish it was that simple. But, no. Anytime you are adjusting to anew normal, there is going to be a period where things are incredibly uncomfortable.

When I work with my clients, I notice a pattern that we all tend to make change harder on ourselves. We get stuck between the inhale and the exhale. It's like we are holding onto that inhale forever because we are afraid it's the only inhale we will ever have. If we let it go, then what happens? We spin all these stories that other people will think less of us for letting go of our last inhale, that it means something about who we are as a person if we exhale. 

See how silly this is? Just exhale. Let it go. Fall into the change, move to the next step. But holding onto the inhale you are literally stopping the process of change, and turning yourself blue in the process.

We all get afraid. The choice we have is how we deal with the fear. We can chose to recognize that it is there, and say we are moving forward anywhere. Or we can hold our breath and wait for it to go away on its own (spoiler alert: you're going to suffocate before that happens). You can choose your response. 

Next blog, I'm going to talk about how to lay the groundwork for change and the process for creating a vision. Yes, this is backwards chronologically, but I really wanted to get honest about this scary part. 

If this is what you're going through, I have your back. You're not alone. I encourage you to forward this to a friend that might be going through something similar if they are facing the fear of change. Tell them you have their back, and that it's ok to exhale. 

With love,
Sarah

Are You Ready, Butterfly?

Well, my friends, we have come to the final phase of the Change Cycle. Phase Four, the end of the journey. And to be completely transparent with you, I am pretty uncomfortable with Phase Four.  I know one of my patterns is to quit during the trials of Phase Three and then I go back to Phase One. I assume I failed, and I decide that Phase Four won't come for me. But what I've learned is that the process is more complicated than that.

So, what exactly is Phase Four, you may be asking. Phase Four is the butterfly phase- the butterfly emerges from its cocoon as a completely transformed being and goes about living its new life with wings.

Reaching Phase Four feels like you have been biking straight uphill over rocks, unpaved roads, and paths that you had to make up along the way, and you finally reach the top of the mountain. From the top, you get the most amazing view, the kind that makes a person think "Wow, it was all worth it." And then the fun really begins, because you get to coast on your bike downhill. It's smooth sailing! Phase Four is all about enjoying the fruits of your labor. 

In other words, Phase Four is about being the butterfly. There's no forcing. Just being. I want to take a moment, and let that sink in for myself. Because I don't know about you, but I have a hard time remembering a time where I just let myself BE. 

This is why Phase Four is really uncomfortable for me. Even when I do reach it, I have a hard time slowing down my pace enough to appreciate how far I've come and stopping the hard work. 

While I am looking forward to finding Phase Four in my own process, I hope that I will recognize when I reach it so I can actually pause and enjoy.  

Here's the tricky part about the change cycle- there is no timeline. The Phases can be unequal in length, arrive without warning, and even bleed into each other. Each Phase eventually ends, but the transition to the next is unclear. There really isn't an "arrival" point when you are finally "there." As a fantastic friend and coach Terri Hofstetter pointed out to me, no one goes through the phases in a linear way. We tend to bounce back and forth between some of the phases because we are refining the process. Sometimes I am in Phase Three and the dream I am working towards is not what I want anymore, so I go back to Phase One. Or sometimes a person is working in Phase Three and they need to go back to Phase Two to clarify their dreams. If you find this happenning, don't judge yourself. It's all a part of the process. 

Even as I wrote this article I was judging my past and my own processes. I was telling myself that I am really bad at "being" in Phase Four, I never let myself just enjoy. I was re-reading what I wrote just before sending it and saw how harsh I was being with myself. I had to pause, and bring in some compassion for my own process. 

What's even trickier, is that each person has a certain Phase that is really comfortable and really uncomfortable. For me, I like Phases Two and Three, and really don't enjoy Phase Four. So I naturally avoid Phase Four and try to hang out in Phases Two and Three as much as possible. Ask yourself if any description of these phases felt really familiar or comfortable for you? More than likely, that's your favorite and you also tend to hang out there. 

Each part of the process is absolutely necessary in order to grow because each part has a purpose in revealing more of who we want to be. And even at the end of Phase Four, the butterfly must die because nothing lives forever. The cycle will begin again. In one person's life, there are countless cycles that will begin over and over again, continually. 

And that's ok. That's life. 

It's probably no coincidence that I am writing this right before the New Year, the time that we humans have decided is the time we wipe the slate clean and get to start anew. It's a time that we set aside for reflection and purposeful planning of what we want to do, be, and achieve. You don't have to force yourself to be in a certain part of the cycle just because it's that time in the calendar. 

Where are you right now in the Change Cycle? What do you need to feel supported with where you are? If you feel compelled to share your responses with someone, I encourage you to do it. Support from another person is a wonderful gift. And if I can be of service, please feel free to reach out to me. 

Please share this email with someone you think might benefit from hearing about the change cycle. Thank you for sharing, because sharing is caring!

And thank you for being with me this past year. It's been a wild one, to say the least. Thank you for reading my words, for sending me notes of encouragement or for sharing your lives with me. Your presence has been a wonderful gift to me, whether you know it or not. And I want to thank you for that. 

Warm wishes and big hugs,
Sarah

It's Time to Bust Out of That Cocoon, Butterfly

I've been writing about the process of change lately, and I am so glad that it is helping some of you. I love hearing from my readers what was useful or insightful. Keep it coming.

And a huge thank you goes to those of you that are sharing this with your friends. What a beautiful way to open up to a deeper a conversation.

Today I am talking about Phase Three of the change cycle. If you missed Phase One or Phase Two you can read it on my blog here.  

In Phase Three, the butterfly is struggling to break out of the cocoon. And let me tell you, it ain't easy. Did you know that if you try to help a butterfly out of its cocoon it will die? (I heard it’s the same with baby chicks breaking out of their shell.) The struggle may be hard, but it's absolutely necessary because that is how we get stronger to live the life that we have been preparing for as we went through Phases One and Two. In order to get to the next level in life, you are going to need new strength.  

Martha Beck, the amazing coach who taught me this cycle, assigned a motto to Phase Three that goes "This is harder than I thought it would be, and that's ok." That has become a bit of mantra for me, because it has certainly been harder than I thought, and I have to remind myself that it's ok for it to be hard.

I thought that the rough trip I had in Phase One, where I was crying all the time, was the hard part. I thought that was the big test. And I thought that after all that plus the dreaming, I could just put my head down and do my work. I thought that if I worked hard enough, then the benefits would start coming my way.

Phase Three has been personally challenging. It's where I am currently. literally building my life from the ground up. I am deciding where I want to live, how I want to live, how I want to make money, what people I want in my life, and more.

These are really big questions, and I don’t know why I thought it would all be so easy but I did. I thought that if I just did the work, and took the steps that I thought made sense, that the wonderful life I was dreaming of would just unfold in front of me like a beautiful gift. (Check in: Am I the only one that thinks it’s supposed to just be easy after a certain amount of work?) 

Spoiler alert. Nothing unfolded. Not yet, at least. It's been extremely hard to face so many choices. And to a certain degree, I am aware how much my privilege is showing because I do have certain opportunities available and I expected it to be easy on a certain level. I’m still working really hard to learn how to do my business and make an impact. I once heard that to get a rocket ship into orbit, it burns a majority of its fuel in the takeoff and then it can coast. I feel like I'm burning a lot of fuel, and just hoping I get into orbit so I can coast. 

In the past, this is when I quit. I thought it was too hard, and that the process wasn't working. I judged myself and the process. If you are in the middle of Phase Three and it feels hard and too long, I ask you to look at it again. I’m not going to tell you to quit or to stick with it, because you are the only person that can do that. What I do know is that I'm not giving up, despite the challenges. I'm going forward. I know now that I gave up too soon in the past, I just need to keep putting in the work, fighting the battles, and eventually I will get to Phase Four. If I quit now, I would go back into Phase One, and this is what I have done for most of my adult life. I deprived myself of fighting the rest of the hard battles to get all my strength. Plus, Phase Four is yet to come! I know now that Phase Four will eventually come, if I am willing to keep working and keep moving forward.

Don't let others dictate your process. Don't judge yourself for being in a certain phase, or for it taking longer than you thought. The struggle is real, because the struggle is what gives you your strength to keep going. You're going to need that strength later on. 

And now it’s your turn. Can you remember a time in your life where you felt like you were getting tested and sent into battle time and time again? How did you respond? Would you do anything differently knowing that it is just a part of the process? Reply to this email, I would love to hear your thoughts.

I hope you will share this with someone that you think needs to hear some encouragement or reassurance that they are exactly where they need to be. 

As always, I love hearing your thoughts and comments. Keep going, Butterfly. 

With love,
Sarah

So, you've been through hell? Here's what's next.

Don't worry, it really does get better from here on out.

Last week, I wrote about the first part of the change cycle, which is all about the caterpillar going into its cocoon and dissolving into caterpillar soup. It's the first part of the process before it can become a butterfly. If you missed it, you can read it here. 

I shared the story about how I was on a road trip and sobbing in my car. Through the support of my coach buddies, I was able to get through the process fairly quickly. I think it helped that I was alone on a trip that was totally self-driven (ha! Pun not intended), I was able to give myself all the space and time I needed to fully fall apart and move through the phase. 

And that's exactly what I did. I fell apart at the seams. It felt like my life was crashing around me, like some kind of Biblical movie starring Charlton Heston. In my mind's eye, beautiful marble buildings I had built in my mind that had significance crumbled to dust, and there I was standing in the middle. Nothing was recognizable anymore. 

When I leaned into the complete collapse, I was able to relax a little bit. It was happening, there was no need to resist it. I could just let it be this thing. And somehow I satisfied a craving inside of me that I didn't even know was there. It let me move through this part pretty quickly. 

It let me move onto the next phase, which Martha Beck calls "dreaming and scheming." In this phase, a person begins to have vivid dreams (daytime and nighttime) about what they want their life to look like. It is no longer about what once was, it is about creating the new, and all options are on the table. 

This part of the phase feels like new openness. It is like constant inspiration. Ideas come flooding into your mind, heart, and soul and it feels life-giving. Especially after feeling like hopeless goo for so long, it is completely renewing energy. 

For me, this part of the process didn't really happen until the last three days of my trip. This was completely the opposite from my plan, and it made me feel disappointed that I couldn't take advantage of all the traveling I had done. This wasn't the way I had planned it.

When I set out on the trip, one of my secret intentions was to look around the country for a place I might like to live. I imagined myself on this trip getting to know towns and people to see if anything fit for me. I wanted to see if I could find my next move.

The change cycle had completely different plans. Everywhere I went felt unwelcoming and cold. No matter what great company I had, I felt disconnected. I wasn't able to think about moving and evaluating places. All I could do was focus on making it through one hour at a time. 

But this feeling didn't last forever. When I was in Asheville, North Carolina, I was welcomed into a friend's home to stay with her family. For the first time, inklings of curiosity about this place and this life creeped into my thoughts. What would it be like to live in Asheville? Could I be happy here?

This was the beginning of the transition out of Phase 1 and into Phase 2. I was no longer hopeless, without a light at the end of the tunnel. That speck of light was showing and growing a little bit more each day. 

This feeling of starting to think of the future expanded once I got home. I looked at my closet and none of my clothes seemed like "me" anymore. Too much black and grey. I still owned too much stuff that I never used or needed. I overhauled everything and got rid of even more boxes of stuff (even though I thought I had already done this.)

I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to stay at a house of a friend who had moved out but wasn't selling just yet. It was amazing to stay in an almost completely empty house and get to dream about how I wanted to fill my life. What did I want my next chapter to be? What do I want to fill blank rooms and walls?

It was like going through a detox. Everything gets evaluated and assessed compared to this new version of who I wanted to be. It feels like life is a big clean piece of white paper and I can design all the things I could ever want. Normally, white paper makes me freeze in terror because there are too many options. But in this part of the change cycle, it's exciting because there are no answers just yet, just possibilities. 

Just like that empty house, I had been cleaned out and left standing. Preparing for the right owner, but not rushing the process. The time of possibilities is incredibly fertile. Hope breeds. 

Nothing new can start without a vision. You can't rush out of phase one because it's painful. And you can't skip phase two because it seems airy-fairy. Creating that vision and dreaming about possibilities is incredibly powerful. 

What did it feel like the last time you gave yourself time to dream? To create a vision for yourself and your life? What did you create. Let me know in the comments or reply to this email. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. 

If It Feels Like You're Going Through Hell...

Everything they say about change is true. It's hard. It's also true that it's always darkest before the dawn. But how many times in our lives do we see the darkness and we say to ourselves "It's too dark. I can't handle it, I'm turning back instead of going forward."

What if I told you that the darkness is just a part of the process? It is merely step one in a four step change process, and it WILL get better because that is just the way the process goes.

When I learned that, it took so much pressure off. But I had to identify that was where I was. And prior to identifying it was just plain hell. 

When I quit my job last fall, I went on a cross country road trip by myself. About a week and a half into the trip, I found myself in San Francisco feeling absolutely miserable. What's a word for worse than miserable? Because that's how I felt. 

I was sleeping poorly, and I was feeling uncomfortable for the last few days. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, so how could I expect to feel comfortable in these new and strange places? 

It was a Sunday morning, and I had a call scheduled that day with my accountability group from my coach training program. I remember it was raining that morning, and I walked to get a cup of coffee and barely noticed the dampness all around me. I was in such a fog, like the Bay area fog had gotten into my soul. I sat in my car and called into the group call, and as our grounding meditation started, I just started crying.

When the meditation wrapped up, I spoke up. I asked for help because I had been crying the whole time. I shared how I had been feeling for the last week and a half. I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. I was feeling so alone, and anytime I tried to call a friend I just got their voicemail and they didn't call back. Even spending time with a friend in California felt empty. I wasn't connecting to anything or anyone, as much as I tried. 

The more I talked, the more I realized that loneliness wasn't the problem. The problem was that I was starting the change cycle.

Change works in a cycle, and it has four distinct phases. The fantastic Martha Beck teaches it using the analogy of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

Imagine a caterpillar, living a great life. He has his friends, his routine, and all the leaves he could want to eat. And then, one day something inside him calls him to change. He is inspired. It is time. So he goes and makes a cocoon, and starts the process. 

And the wildest thing happens. When a caterpillar enters his cocoon, he completely dissolves. His has to let go of all his old molecules and change into something else. This is phase one of the process, and I like to call this phase "caterpillar soup." 

This phase is MESSY! All the old ways have to dissolve and it feels like your entire life is just goo. It is unrecognizable. It feels awful, and your emotions are a wild mess. It feels like it is the darkest, most hopeless time, and it seems like it will never, ever end. 

This phase is all about dismantling of what once was. It feels like the world is falling apart, because it is. Because it is a death of the old ways. You are literally mourning an old part of your life that will no longer serve you, and it cannot come along on the next part of the journey. You must mourn and let go of the old ways before you move on to the next step. Where you are going, the old stuff cannot come along. This is the part of the journey when it can help to say that you are clearing space for new things to come into your life. 

This can be incredibly hard, because often we are thrown into the first phase without our own conscious choice. A relationship ends, we get fired, we move. For me, I had quit my job and chose to go out on the road and started the change cycle on my own. But that didn't make it any easier. It's also hard to let go of things that seemed to be working.

But here is the important part that I had to realize. My old life didn't fit me anymore. Just like an old pair of shoes, I had outgrown my old life. It was too small, too tight, too constricting and rubbing in all the wrong places and giving me blisters. I didn't want to squish myself to fit into that life anymore, and it had to go. 

And just like letting go of old shoes, there is a sad part to it because they have good memories and at least I knew what I could expect. I tried to make them fit for too long, and would compensate by wearing bandaids to prevent the blisters. But at a certain point, it just has to go. 

Change can feel really rough. I know it is really unpleasant, and scary to step into something completely unknown. For me, it was comforting to know that it was just a part of the process. And if it is a part of the process that means there will be more to it! This is not the end, it is only the beginning.

This is part one of a series I am going to write about change. I want to know from you a story about a time you felt like you were going through hell. Maybe you are going through it right now! Tell me how it felt, what was your experience? What did you do to help yourself get through? 

Until next time, keep breathing. Know that if it feels like hell, it won't always feel that way. 

Lots of love.

Are you willing to see masculinity in a new way?

I'm tired of men getting generally beat up in the media these days. Maybe you're like me and you're really struggling with the daily onslaught of news about accusations made against male celebrities that are abusing their positions of power. It makes me wonder if men are safe to be around.

And that thought hurts my heart. Today, I write from a place that hopes for understanding and partnership between the sexes, and I hope to provide you with some ways to move towards change.

I am having a lot of conversations about Toxic Masculinity. The men I talk to are deeply ashamed of the behavior of other men. They are getting angry for bearing the burden of being the good guy and fighting on behalf of the ones that ARE good. Or they are just shutting down, feeling helpless at the whim of the media and the culture sweep against men. 

If I know anything about men it is that they care deeply, especially about the women that are important to them. They are tender-hearted, and want nothing more than to protect women from harm. 
 

You would just never know if because of the masks they wear to protect themselves.

This Thanksgiving, in addition to brining the pie to the dinner table, I would like to also bring compassion, appreciation, and understanding.

The word "masculine" has become associated with the word "toxic," which makes us think it is bad to be masculine. That could not be farther from the truth. We need masculine energy, as much as we need feminine energy. Both types are important. 

Who be clear, when I speak about masculine energy I am generally referring to men. It is true that both men and women contain masculine and feminine energy, and choose which to bring forward more often. But for right now, I am referring to masculine and men in the same way. 

My working definition of masculine is that masculine energy stands for structure, drive, and goal-oriented focus. They are singularly focused on their goal, and they are internally motivated to achieve it. Masculinity wants to be respected for his thoughts and his ability to provide. It is about production, accomplishment, and assertiveness.

In our culture, masculinity represses and denies their full range of emotions because we have made it unsafe for them to do so. We accept anger over sadness as the acceptable male emotion. Think of all the lessons boys get at a young age that they aren't allowed to show emotion or cry when they are feeling scared or vulnerable. That's not allowed.

It causes them to repress these emotions, stuff them away, and ultimately disconnect from their sense of self.

Disconnection has horrible effects, and we are seeing it everywhere in the news -- irrational violence and anger, sexual aggression and domination, abuse of power. This does NOT have to be the norm, and it is NOT the definition of masculine. It is an effect of a cause that we created.

We can start to reverse the effect by getting curious and being open to holding space for the masculine to remove their mask and find connection. As women, we can support this with compassion, which is one of our greatest gifts we can offer. 

Here is how:
Bring Curiosity and Patience this weekend. (Caution: Because we are not used to showing up this way for men, we may need to bring extra helpings of both.) 

I encourage you to look at the men in your life with a curious eye. Ask yourself, how are they showing up for me? What if he has a good reason for doing what he's doing?

If you feel really open, ask a man that very question. Observe his behavior, and if it is confusing to you, ask. Say: "I see you are doing X, and I know you probably have a good reason for that. Can you help me see the reason?"

It's simple, but it isn't always easy. Curious and patient is how I strive to show up daily, but it doesn't always work out that way. But I am committing to it this weekend. I want to let masculinity have its space to show up AS IS, because that also makes room for femininity to show up as is because BOTH have a place in this world. 

To be continued...

Here's your challenge: Tell me in the comments. What are your intentions for this Thanksgiving weekend? What are your big takeaways from this post? How can you see one man in your life differently? 


PS. This blog post was inspired by this cartoon sent to me by one of my dearest friends. (thanks for the inspiration for writing this!) And if you’re willing to laugh at yourself for how we pick on men and make them wrong, here is the brilliant Rachel Bloom and the females of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend singing Let’s Generalize About Men. 

What I Learned From Friend-Zoning Myself

I still laugh when I tell the story of this date. Even though I made a rookie dating mistake, I learned two important lessons from it. 

I was on a date with the most handsome man I had met in a long time. We met at an event, and I had a really good feeling about this one. I was excited to find a guy that was wildly smart and driven. He talked passionately about his plans for the future, what he wanted to create in his field, the books he was reading, and his upcoming travel. All with self-deprecating humor. Swoon! Heaven!

Conversation switched into how crazy it was to actually meet a person in real life before a date instead of an app. I mentioned a theory I have about apps actually being a bad idea for women, and he asked me to share more of my ideas.

My inner voice was shrieking, "Whaaaaaaaat?!!?! A man interested in my looks and my ideals. Jackpot! Quick, impress him!!"

I took a pause. As a student of male/female relationships I knew that talking about dating isn't sexy. It is the dating equivalent of Hurricane Irma- it blows through, showering down way too much overwhelming force, and leaves a wake of destruction that takes a lot of effort to recover from. 

But the excited inner voice encouraged me to forge ahead, so I shared my dating theories and the conclusions I've made from all my reading and self-study. Even though he was intrigued and kept asking me questions, I promptly felt myself receive a stamp on my forehead that read "FRIEND."

Although the date didn't end as I hoped, I learned two valuable lessons.

Lesson One:

He told me "I can see why some guys would be intimidated by you."

It stung to hear it out loud, but he was right. My original intention was to attract this guy to me. But instead of attracting, I was competing and impressing. At some point when I was sharing my ideas, I crossed into showing off how smart I was and I wanted to prove I could even be smarter than him. Why did I do that?!

Even when we know better, we have old patterns that emerge and take over our actions. I started competing for space of who was impressing who, and it became competitive. And, ladies, let me tell you, men will never compete with you energetically. They will walk away and find someone with opposite energy because that is attractive. Think of magnets. Opposites attract and alike repels. 

What I could have done was checked myself when I felt my chest swelling with pride. I could have asked his thoughts and opinions at that point to give myself a moment to ask if that was really the energy I wanted to be creating at that moment. I would have shifted my energy so that I was using my intelligence in a way that is attractive and not competitive.

Lesson Two:

The second thing he said after I shared my theories was "Why aren't you teaching this?!"

Wheels screeched. Needles scratched the record. Time stood still. Insert all the cliches here. Because I didn't have an answer, and he was right. How did I not see this before?!

This is the exact moment that the idea was planted in my brain that I should be doing what I am doing now: teaching women to understand men better so that we can create deeper relationships with more empathy. 

I had a lot of men approach me and ask if I helped men understand women. I was flattered, but I had no idea how to teach men. And I usually answered something like "Not at the moment, but maybe someday." 

Well, someday is here. I am offering up a limited number of slots to men for individual 1 on 1 specifically for coaching about dating, love, and relationships.

If you, or someone you know, would benefit from a free exploratory 90 minute session with me, please go here and sign up for your session.

Since I am in the middle of teaching my course, I am only taking a very, VERY limited number of individual coaching appointments. So, if you want one, speak up now and claim it before it is snatched away by someone else.

I will be writing and talking more about the balance between masculine and feminine energy because that stuff is complicated and confusing. If you have questions or thoughts, send them my way. I want to help clear up the confusion.

Until next time, my dear friends.

Lots of love,

Sarah

What I Learned Facing My Fears

Maybe you followed along on my Instagram my journey to face 40 Fears in 40 Days. I had so much fun with this self-imposed challenge. I did things like dancing naked, failing on purpose, giving blood, asking for help, and saying no.

It often surprised me that the things I thought would be scariest were actually easy. And the things that seemed simple are the ones that really made me sweat. I wanted to explore in writing my overall reactions and lessons from the 40 days. And I hope it will be useful to you as well.

•   Most Stuff Actually Isn’t That Scary.

I borrowed a challenge from The Four-Hour Workweek to lay on the floor on a public place for 60 seconds. My head was spinning all kinds of stories about what I would say if anyone asked what I was doing. I thought about how everyone must be staring at me and thinking how strange I am.  The 60 seconds went by slowly and no one said anything. I couldn’t even see people’s faces so I have no idea if they even noticed me.

I am so afraid of what other people will think, but the reality is that people are so busy doing their own thing that they don’t even notice me laying on the floor. No one asked if I needed help or if I was ok. What I am really afraid of is something that isn’t coming, and if it does come, I can’t do anything about it. Bracing for the worst was really just playing tricks in my imagination, not in the real world.

2. I Am Stronger Than I Thought, But Fears Don’t Actually Get Conquered.

When I had to ask for a discount on my coffee, I was sweating through my shirt. My heart was pounding and I stumbled over my words, but I took a deep breath, smiled, and asked politely. I didn’t get the discount that day, but figured that it would be much easier to ask for a freebie a few weeks later in the challenge.  

But I was surprised when I had the same problem. I had to psych myself up in the car before walking into the ice cream shop, and I practiced what I would say when I walked in because I was so afraid that people would think I was crazy. I was still sweating and nervous.

What I learned was that I still have some made up stories in my head, and I need to keep questioning them because THEY AREN’T REAL. It doesn’t magically go away because I did the thing that scares me, it is still there chattering its fear story in my ear. It’s going to take some time to break old patterns.

3. People Love to Support You.

I learned at my family reunion that even though my family doesn’t necessary “like” all my posts in an outward way, they are reading, processing, and trying the experiment in their own way. I discussed my post about making eye contact with strangers with my cousin, because she saw the post and tried it for herself. I was surprised to have this conversation with her because she hadn’t liked a post in a while so I assumed she hadn’t seen or read it.

But what I realized is that the people that care about me are actually being really inspired by the changes I have made in my life the last year. And when I gave blood and told strangers that I did it because of a challenge, everyone was so supportive of me and my fears about the process. It’s lovely to know people are rooting me on. I believe that human beings genuinely want to encourage and support each other, we are communal animals after all. We just don’t give each other the chance to do that.  

I urge you to ask yourself if anything I learned resonates with you. Ask yourself if you are sabotaging yourself in your imagination and you don’t even recognize it. I would be willing to bet that you probably are. Where are you willing to get a little uncomfortable?

Doing a lot of things that made me feel uncomfortable was extremely valuable to building my self-confidence. I feel stronger, I feel more willing to question my doubts, and I know I am capable of pushing forward. It also got me out of a few ruts where I was making assumptions. If you’d like to try some of my challenges, reply to this email and I will send you the PDF I created with all the challenges in one place. Try a few, see what happens for you, and let me know how it goes! 

Don't Find Your Passion

Passion is the new dirty word in the self help world.

For most of my life I have been seeking and pursuing my passion. I have read countless books and watched online classes and videos about how to find your passion and how make a living with it. There are people that have made their entire careers teaching people how to do exactly that.

I no longer believe in finding and pursuing my passion.

This is not because of failure. Many of you have watched me as I tried my hand at Arbonne, personal training, and theater all pursuing my dream and my passion. Each time I pivoted, I thought that this new thing was IT. Only in hindsight did I see that it is all really the same dream in different clothing.

And there is nothing wrong with trying on different items of clothing.

I heard a term a year ago and it described the new wave of entrepreneurs as “multi-passionate.” Instead of pursuing one passion, they were ok with having several passions, and the passions are not necessarily the end-all-be-all.

What I have learned about passion is that it can be fleeting. By nature, passion is meant to excite your cells, get you all fired up. From an evolutionary stand point, that passion you feel early in a relationship is meant to make the population procreate. That passion naturally fades over time so that the children can be raised

And if you get really honest, how often have you waited for passion to come along to motivate you to go for that run, eat healthy, or make a job change? Do you sit around waiting for passion to come up and grab you and stir up butterflies in your stomach? And if it does, do you trust it enough to act?

Passion is not meant to be inspirational. Passion doesn’t simply just come along. When we limit our thinking to finding that “one” passion that everyone says is out there for us, we inevitably get demotivated. Our thinking becomes tunneled. We keep seeking for just the “one” thing that is OUR passion.

It’s tricky semantics, the way our thinking plays tricks on us.

We each have one passion that is unique to us. We search for the one thing, and we get possessive. And then if we find anyone else doing the same thing that we think is ours, we despair and compare and think that the other person is doing so much better than us. Then we think it is hopeless and we give up on our passion and settle for less.

Sometimes it is a feeling of being paralyzed at not finding any passion at all. I used to wait for my calling to come knocking on the door, take me by the hand, and walk me down Easy Street to the path of happiness and success. I thought that it would be that easy. If I found “My Thing” it would all just unfold in front of me with ease.

I felt that I found my thing when I became a coach. It felt so easy, and I felt like I was aligned with a higher purpose – My Calling. But the path is hard. There are sharp twists that I didn’t see coming. There are challenges and struggles and tests. It’s a daily choice that I have to make to keep going. And I keep going not because of passion, but because of my long-term vision of what I want to create in this world. The point of my journey all along is that I am in line with my long-term vision of what I want to create for myself and others. It doesn’t really matter what vehicle I use to get there.

So how did I even find the things that I get passionate about and enjoy pursuing despite the challenges? It’s a process.

•   Notice what sparks your interest and makes you feel a little excited.

•   Pick one or two to commit to and pursue. Give yourself no less than six months to dedicate and practice.

•   Immerse yourself.

•   Get a coach or mentor to guide you along the way.

•   Tell your friends, and find a buddy to join you.

•   Keep going, no matter what.

These steps seem simple and easy. And that’s what I tried to do. I tried to keep things simple and easy to follow. It’s not always easy to stick to a path when things get hard. But that’s the point of 4 and 5- give yourself accountability to stick through the tough spots.

Passion just isn’t enough to get through the day to day slog on the way to finding success. And there is no such thing as One Perfect Calling (or Person). But we can find a thing that brings us happiness, and isn’t that the point?

When you look back at the paths you choose to pursue, and the ones you didn’t what commonalities do you see? WHY did you choose it, what were you trying to accomplish or gain? This is how I found my bigger vision. Even though the paths I choose don’t look the same on the outside, deep down I know why I am doing them. And that’s all that matters to me. I’m committed to waking people up, helping them become better versions of themselves. I know I’m walking towards that.