What I Learned From Friend-Zoning Myself

I still laugh when I tell the story of this date. Even though I made a rookie dating mistake, I learned two important lessons from it. 

I was on a date with the most handsome man I had met in a long time. We met at an event, and I had a really good feeling about this one. I was excited to find a guy that was wildly smart and driven. He talked passionately about his plans for the future, what he wanted to create in his field, the books he was reading, and his upcoming travel. All with self-deprecating humor. Swoon! Heaven!

Conversation switched into how crazy it was to actually meet a person in real life before a date instead of an app. I mentioned a theory I have about apps actually being a bad idea for women, and he asked me to share more of my ideas.

My inner voice was shrieking, "Whaaaaaaaat?!!?! A man interested in my looks and my ideals. Jackpot! Quick, impress him!!"

I took a pause. As a student of male/female relationships I knew that talking about dating isn't sexy. It is the dating equivalent of Hurricane Irma- it blows through, showering down way too much overwhelming force, and leaves a wake of destruction that takes a lot of effort to recover from. 

But the excited inner voice encouraged me to forge ahead, so I shared my dating theories and the conclusions I've made from all my reading and self-study. Even though he was intrigued and kept asking me questions, I promptly felt myself receive a stamp on my forehead that read "FRIEND."

Although the date didn't end as I hoped, I learned two valuable lessons.

Lesson One:

He told me "I can see why some guys would be intimidated by you."

It stung to hear it out loud, but he was right. My original intention was to attract this guy to me. But instead of attracting, I was competing and impressing. At some point when I was sharing my ideas, I crossed into showing off how smart I was and I wanted to prove I could even be smarter than him. Why did I do that?!

Even when we know better, we have old patterns that emerge and take over our actions. I started competing for space of who was impressing who, and it became competitive. And, ladies, let me tell you, men will never compete with you energetically. They will walk away and find someone with opposite energy because that is attractive. Think of magnets. Opposites attract and alike repels. 

What I could have done was checked myself when I felt my chest swelling with pride. I could have asked his thoughts and opinions at that point to give myself a moment to ask if that was really the energy I wanted to be creating at that moment. I would have shifted my energy so that I was using my intelligence in a way that is attractive and not competitive.

Lesson Two:

The second thing he said after I shared my theories was "Why aren't you teaching this?!"

Wheels screeched. Needles scratched the record. Time stood still. Insert all the cliches here. Because I didn't have an answer, and he was right. How did I not see this before?!

This is the exact moment that the idea was planted in my brain that I should be doing what I am doing now: teaching women to understand men better so that we can create deeper relationships with more empathy. 

I had a lot of men approach me and ask if I helped men understand women. I was flattered, but I had no idea how to teach men. And I usually answered something like "Not at the moment, but maybe someday." 

Well, someday is here. I am offering up a limited number of slots to men for individual 1 on 1 specifically for coaching about dating, love, and relationships.

If you, or someone you know, would benefit from a free exploratory 90 minute session with me, please go here and sign up for your session.

Since I am in the middle of teaching my course, I am only taking a very, VERY limited number of individual coaching appointments. So, if you want one, speak up now and claim it before it is snatched away by someone else.

I will be writing and talking more about the balance between masculine and feminine energy because that stuff is complicated and confusing. If you have questions or thoughts, send them my way. I want to help clear up the confusion.

Until next time, my dear friends.

Lots of love,

Sarah