Grit by Angela Duckworth

I enjoyed reading Angela Duckworth's book Grit. I made it the first book to read and discuss in my book club for people looking to learn from others to help improve their lives. But when it came to writing a summary, I have to tell you that I am a little stuck.

 

It can be boiled down simply: "Talent × effort = skill. Skill × effort = achievement." or in other words "Effort counts twice." 

 

Why do we need an entire book to share insights from people that apply this and failures of people that quit because they don't make the effort? Why do we need case study after case study to show us that we need more stick-to-itiveness? 

And why is it so hard to stick to something? Why do we have a myth that genius is God's gift not because of effort and practice and learned skills? 

 

I know from my own experience, I was an overachiever child and excelled at most subjects. I learned very quickly how prized good grades were, not to mention straight A's and perfect attendance. I remember being in a reading competition with my classmates in fifth grade. I was a good reader, but one girl read twice as many books as I did so I fell to a distant second or third place. Because I couldn't win, I stopped competing and focused elsewhere.

This is the story of how I went through most of my school. I picked subjects that I could put in some effort and excel. Notice I said some effort, not loads of effort. I never learned what it meant to put in tons of effort to get something that didn't come easily to me. I just decided I didn't really want the thing that badly, so I would change focus.

 

As an adult this became really frustrating because I would have interests that I wanted to pursue but they did not come completely naturally to me. I was doing ok at the introductory level, but once I advanced to the next level I was no longer excelling and I would feel discouraged. I would think that it was my fault that I wasn't naturally gifted at the thing (dancing, language, fitness, entrepreneurship, etc) and I would move on to the next thing. I would tell myself "I guess this isn't my thing! My calling is still out there, so I better cut my losses and move on!" 

 

I learned this is not the way it works. Things don't come naturally to most people. The things we want to be really great at take dedication and practice. Sometimes we need a coach or an expert to guide us. Sometimes we need lessons, we need to fail, we need to learn how to pick ourselves back up and move forward with practice. We also need to connect to the reason why we want to pursue something that is difficult, and the bigger the impact that the reason has, the more likely we will stick to something. 

 

One topic that Duckworth mentions is the idea of practice. In our culture, the idea of practice has melted away for the most part. We are almost always in performance mode, which is not useful for improving skills. Practice allows someone to go at a slower pace, to make mistakes and correct them, to try new things, and to build confidence. Think about rehearsals for a play. In a rehearsal, the actors work together with the director to memorize their lines, stumble through the blocking, and create the play that shows up onstage when everything is ready. Performance means we have the pressure of doing things perfectly, and mistakes are highly discouraged. The term "performance ready" essentially implies perfect and ready for an audience. 

 

School is an area that we have asked students to be at performance level disproportionately more than in practice mode. Students are expected to be near perfect and not make mistakes, because those mistakes have a negative impact on your final grades. If there was more room for practice and encouragement to get back up after failure, students would develop more resilience and would develop their skills faster. They would also feel more confident and encouraged to stick with school longer, try harder subjects, and pursue higher education. 

 

Reading this book was the synthesis of what I had been learning over the last year. The things that we really want don't come easily, and it takes grit to get to our greatest successes. I recently committed myself wholeheartedly with no turning back to my coaching business. It does not always have to look the way that it looks today, in fact I expect it will change, but I will make my coaching business a success no matter what. I am not giving up.

 

I saw a quote from Oprah today that summed this up nicely. "Direction I have. Speed I do not." I'm going to keep going in this direction, but I don't have to go fast. 

 

Have you read Grit? What was your takeaway? 

 

Five Steps to Find Your Inner Guidance

In a recent moment of frustration and confusion I threw my hands up, had a mini temper tantrum and yelled to the heavens “Somebody just tell me what to do!”

 

I used to constantly ask my friends to solve my problems. I would ask them what I should do, and then ask other friends for a second opinion. It became an endless search find what seemed right.

 

The process left me crippled. I couldn’t make a decision unless I got a friend on the phone to talk through it. I recently found a way to answer my own questions, and I have now taught it to my clients who have all been impressed with how easy it is to find their own answers.

 

Here is my easy five step system that you can start practicing right away.

 

1.  Sit in Silence.

 

Practicing stillness is very different from meditating. Stillness creates clarity and power. It will also help you discern between the internal loud, pushy voice and the still, quiet voice that comes later if you really listen.  

 

Turn off anything that makes noise. Sit, be quiet, and still for 10 minutes. That’s all. You can space out completely. There’s no need to think, or count your breath. If your brain won’t stop running, let it run. You just have to be still and quiet. If you fall asleep, that’s ok too.

 

Results aren’t important, it’s just meant to be a practice in stillness and listening.

 

2. Practice a Body Scan

 

One of the most useful tools I have learned is how to speak my body’s unique language. The more you pay attention the more it will talk to you, and practicing a body scan will help you learn this language. A body scan done on a regular basis will teach you how your body responds in various situations. I recommend that you practice this twice a day for a week. Keep a notebook to track what you notice. Look for changes from one day to the next, and sometimes noticing an absence is just as important and noticing something unusual.

 

If you do the exercise and you don’t feel anything, start by squeezing your thumb. Describe what that feels like. Move through your body, squeeze different parts. This gets you in tune with your sensations.

 

To do a body scan, give yourself 3-5 minutes in a quiet place. Close your eyes, and take three deep breaths. Focus on your feet and notice anything you feel. Are you clenching, is there tightness or tingling, or do you feel nothing at all? Move up your leg pausing at major areas, like calves, knees, and thighs. Next pause at your hips, glutes, stomach and lower back. Note anything you sense. Work your way up your back, into your shoulders and into your chest. Mentally scan down your arms to your hands. Then sense your neck. Finally, notice any tension in your face, particularly your jaw, the area around your eyes, and your forehead.

 

This will start to track how your body handles different situations. In the future, you will notice your body’s signals and will have a clearer indicator about how to act and respond.

 

3. Test for your Intuitive Yes and No

 

Did you know that your body will give you a physical answer for Yes and No? It is different for everyone, but there are a few ways to calibrate so you understand how to read the signals.

 

The easiest way to understand is to think back to your past. Think of someone that was really wrong for you- maybe a school bully or an ex-lover. Scan your body for the response. This is your “No.” Then think of someone that you have an obvious and uncomplicated positive response towards. Scan your body, and note what you feel because this is your “Yes.”

 

Test this in your real life. Do you want a smoothie or scrambled eggs for breakfast? How does your body react when you say each option out loud?

 

4. Make Mistakes

 

Making mistakes is one of the fastest ways to prioritize what really matters to you.

 

Test my theory by flipping a coin. Find a problem you have with two answers. Assign an answer to each side of the coin. Flip the coin, but no matter which side actually wins your reaction to the result will tell you what you really want.

 

I encourage you to make mistakes. Blunders will show you what you truly value. Observe your reactions, what can you learn from that, and how can you realign your life to live those values?

 

5. Balance Rest and Play

 

This falls under the title of “if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.” When I am working, I feel like I am playing. I am completely in the flow of life and it is completely joyful. And when I have a task that doesn’t feel like play, I can turn it into a game or I learn to delegate and ask for help (like paying for someone to do my taxes).

 

When I’m not playing, I give myself time to rest, more than just sleep. I give myself a time to recharge, to do nothing. Like winter, it may look like I am not getting anything accomplished but this time is necessary to be ready to play and produce my best. Rest is anything from a nap, a good workout, or dancing. It is whatever I need to let go of expectations of producing and to instead just recover.

 

I encourage you to test this for yourself and tell me your results. When I started practicing, I felt clearer and lighter. I also felt more confident that I was making the right choices for what I really wanted in my life.

 

Recently, a client admitted that she came to me expecting to be handed all the answers. That I would be able to tell her what job to take to make lots of money and make her dreams come true. She wasn’t sure if she should apply for a job in marketing because it would give her more money. After teaching her these steps she firmly decided that job was a bad fit for her. She is using these tools on a daily basis to feel more confident in all areas of her life including personal relationships and her side hustle with a rapidly growing theater company.

 

That gift of certainty is something cannot be given from someone on the outside. It can only be created from within.

 

Why You Should Stop Caring About Shoes

They say bad things come in threes, you’ve heard this right? Like those days when it all seems to start wrong. You oversleep, then spill your coffee on yourself on the way out the door, and you just know that something else bad is going to happen. Of course, I am speaking totally from personal experience.

 

We see this happen with celebrity deaths, too. Remember when Bowie died, and we were all still mourning then came the shocking news Alan Rickman died? Not only were we sad to lose two great artistic geniuses, we all braced ourselves for the third.

 

I had a good friend email me recently that two colleagues were fired in the course of two weeks. She noticed she was holding her breath, waiting for the third firing to happen. It felt like it was looming.

 

She noticed herself waiting for that third firing, and felt inspired to write a little for me and for my blog. Here is what she shared with me:

 

“If you are like me, when waiting for the "third death" there is a looming feeling and a holding of the breath until it happens. I take stock of my life, friends, family and health. There is reflection of all the good and wonderful moments and also a sense of action: I need to exercise, eat better, set-up that will, take care of my s***!

 

I've been having this same feeling as I await hearing who might be the "third fired." I might complain about my job some days, but I really need it and mostly like it. I like my office and my co-workers and my paycheck! I like having purpose every day and being part of a team. I don't want to be fired! But much like death, it can happen--and for any number of reasons (either on my part or my company's part).

 

(then I stopped writing...if I want to keep my job, I guess I should do it instead of writing this email! haha!)”

 

Thanks to my friend for taking the time to write to me and share her thoughts about this because it made me realize we all suffer this. This phenomenon is also called “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

 

I am here to tell you to stop caring about the damn shoes. It’s not about the shoes, it’s not about waiting for a thing to happen, or bracing yourself for the worst.

 

Here’s exactly why you shouldn’t focus on waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

When we focus on something, our brains are programmed to literally search until it finds the missing piece. The brain loves to solve problems. And the problem that is created in this situation is “something bad is going to happen, because it has to because of the law of threes.” So the brain will work and search until it solves this problem.

 

Rarely does the brain work to disprove this theory because we have set up a scenario where it says “Bad things come in three and this must be true.” It is like programming a computer, and giving it exact parameters. It is not giving an option to look for reasons why it must NOT be true, instead it is trying to prove why it must be true. It is just the way the code is written.

 

Here is the important thing. This code that bad things happen in threes is NOT true. When I searched for the third celebrity death after Alan Rickman, there wasn’t another major death for over a month (Harper Lee died on February 19). 

 

The rule of threes is a completely made up phenomenon. If you are looking for the third bad thing to happen, then your brain will most certainly find it. It will not rest until it does. Or it will get distracted by something else and choose to focus on that other thing instead.

 

So the next time you find yourself holding your breath and bracing for the third worst thing, the best thing you can do is recognize that is happening and then distract yourself. What is more important? I actually like how my friend said she directs her attention to taking stock in her life. What is working? What would she like to see improve?

 

Even better would be if you can use the good ol’ attitude of gratitude. What do you love in your life right now. Write 20 things. Yes, that might sound like a big number but remember we are reprogramming your brain to distract from feeling bad and waiting for something bad to happen. So, what is good? What are you grateful for? It’s even better if you can get really specific. A recent item on my gratitude list was “My soft sheets because I got a really cozy night’s sleep last night.”

 

Instead of looking for the bad, train your brain to look for the good. What is good about your day, what are the other good things that you can find?

 

And if you’re going to care about shoes, at least choose a cute pair that makes you feel sexy and awesome.

 

Learn How to Captivate

Captivate is definitely one of the best books I read this year. It is all about hacking human behavior in order to be more successful in our careers and relationships.

 

I have some friends that are hesitant with this book because it seems like manipulation. Understanding people’s behavior and their preferences could be used for evil, but we live in a world where we have to interact with other people. And if we can do that understands the rules and expectations, then it is just easier.

 

Vanessa Van Edwards made her career in helping people be less awkward. She calls herself a professional people watcher. She has done so much research about what makes certain TED Talks speakers viral, why certain historical figures made an impact, and how your selfies are sabotaging your dating game.

 

She breaks the book into three sections to optimize your impressions and impact in your interactions: The First Five Minutes, The First Five Hours, and The First Five Days. In each of the crucial time periods we can show up and act in a way that gives us the best chance at making a positive impression on another person and making the interaction really matter.

 

Here are my highlights from each section.

 

The First Five Minutes

The biggest takeaway from this section was how to be the most memorable person in the room, and it all goes back to be interested to be interesting.  

 

Van Edwards says that one of her biggest missions with her career is to eliminate small talk. If we follow her advice, hopefully there will never be a terrible cocktail party or networking event where the first question is “So what do you do?” Ask questions that spark excitement. Highlight someone’s best features (whether that is giving a thoughtful introduction or if it is paying someone a compliment). Instead of asking what someone does, how about asking what they are excited about? Or what was the highlight of their day? Find something that makes the person perk up

 

The key to mastering the first five minutes with someone is to play to your strengths and to help them play to theirs. and get them to talk about that, everyone has something if we just take the time to uncover it. Van Edwards argues that inauthenticity can be sensed by others, so if we are in a situation that we dislike we actually can’t “fake it ‘till you make it.” Instead of faking it, find the things that feel easy or make you feel excited. If you hate dinner parties, don’t force yourself to go to them. If you love meeting people at volunteering events, spend more of your time and effort there.

 

The First Five Hours

In five hours you can speed read someone’s true emotions and understand their personality well enough to play to their strengths. The key to learning someone’s real inner thoughts and hidden feelings is to speed read microexpressions.

 

Microexpressions are natural reactions in the face that we cannot control. Microexpressions flash our true feelings of happiness, anger, fear, surprise, contempt, disgust. Each has specific muscles in the face that engage in a specific way. You can get all the details here.

 

Beyond understanding people’s true emotions, you can also speed read personalities. Personalities can be broken into five categories: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism. Each of us is high, low, or middle in each of these areas, and that affects our preferences, our work, and social interactions. If we can understand someone’s rankings in each of these areas, we can meet them where they are and give them information that they need to hear in the way they need to hear it.

 

Just as important is understanding someone’s Love Language. By understanding how someone likes to receive love we know how to show them appreciation.

 

The First Five Days

 Van Edwards stresses leadership skills in this third section. To me, this felt like information I had read in lots of other books, but I love that she combines stories and case studies of people that effectively use her tips. Which makes Van Edwards someone that walks her talk because one of the big tips from this section is to use story telling to increase holding people’s attention. She also talks about the power of revealing key vulnerabilities and the importance of leading by empowering. These ideas were things I had read in books by Brene Brown (a vulnerability expert) and John Maxwell ()a leadership expert), but I appreciate the reinforcement.

 

Overall, Captivate is a book that I will probably read over and over again because the principles require practice in order to master it. I could spend months and months learning to speed read microexpressions alone. If you work with people and if you want to increase your impact with others, read this book! 

How I Went From Feeling Numb to Blissfully Happy

I used to work in cubicle hell. I was chained to my desk by a headset and a program that tracked the amount of time I spent answering calls or avoiding them or even time spent going to the bathroom. I traded my artist ideals for a steady paycheck with benefits. From 2007-2012 I answered questions about retirement planning and investments.

 

The statement “I hate my job” was true but avoided at all costs because that would be admitting that I knew how bad it was. I told myself I “needed” the job in the recession, and I should “be grateful to even have a job.” So I stuffed down the truth.  

 

I came home and ate bad food and binge watched bad TV while drinking plenty of wine. I put on weight. I spent my time with my friends complaining about how bad my life was. And my romantic life looked like one of those ghost towns in old Western movies – completely empty with the occasional tumbleweed blowing through.

 

My life was far from the dream I had of what I wanted my life to be. And to be honest, I didn’t even know what I wanted from my life. I didn’t even really know how bad it was until I was out of the job for several months. I wasn’t aware of how numb I had become, because I thought it was just ok and that I couldn’t expect better.  

 

I worried I would spend the rest of my life running on a hamster wheel and trying to climb a corporate ladder. I worried I would put on so much weight that I would become lazy and unattractive to any possible romantic partner. I was worried I was boring in conversations. I was afraid I would never meet my future husband and would never have the family I wanted. I was worried my passion for life was dying.

 

The worst part was I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t know what I wanted. And how was I supposed to even figure out what I wanted when I barely had the energy to drag myself to collapse on the couch at the end of the day?

 

I was stuck. I was living Groundhog Day- the same misery day in and day out without any sign of change.  I remember how numb I felt. I didn’t feel happy or unhappy, just numb. I listened to The Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” every morning just to give myself some boost of happy energy just to get me through my morning routine.

 

Where do you even start when things seem hopeless?

 

I asked myself “Am I supposed to settle? Is this as good as it gets? Will I just hope that it will get better if I hang on for six more months? It’s GOT to get better if I just wait, right?”

 

And so I would wait, and things seemed to show some improvement. But it always went back to this feeling of dragging myself through, waiting for the weekend to arrive so I could be free. But when the weekend came, I was so low energy I didn’t enjoy it. And all of Sunday was spent dreading Monday.

 

That was no way to live. It wasn’t the life I wanted.

 

I was afraid that all of my greatest creative days were behind me in college. I was worried that I would never feel connected to my life again. I was worried that the happiest moments in my life would be taking a hot shower in the morning and drinking wine in the evenings.

 

My greatest fear would be that I would hit mid-life and I would look back at all the years that were gone and I would wonder “What happened to me? What happened to all my passion, drive, excitement for life? Who AM I now? I don’t even know myself, and I don’t like my life. I wasted all my best younger years.”  

 

I didn’t know how to change it. How do you stop going down the slippery slide straight into a mid-life crisis?

 

I started to change when I received a free unlimited month of fitness classes. I went to these classes and started to feel excited again (and really, really sore).  I started to lean into these classes two or three evenings a week, and I started to come out of my shell. I talked to the other people in the dressing room and after class. I talked to the instructor and built a relationship. I worked really hard for those 45 minutes. I researched healthy eating and working out habits.

 

My confidence grew by leaps and bounds. I was feeling excited again. I chased that excitement and kept trying to find ways to expand that excitement so I could keep feeling it more hours of the day. Just one little bit at a time, creating more excitement and happiness in the little moments.

 

That was ultimately how I got myself out of my funk, and started feeling excited about my life again. That is also how I got here, how I quit a really awesome job, and started feeling passion on a really excited about my life.

 

It wasn’t overnight, and I can’t say it was even intentional. It took years before I realized exactly the steps I took to bring passion back to my life.

 

Does this feel familiar to you? Do you feel numb in your life or like you are just coasting directionless? Do you see no way of stopping the slide head first into a mid-life crisis? Are you afraid that you’re settling for less than you deserve? Do you feel stuck and unsure how to get out?

 

I know those feelings. Let’s hop on the phone so I can hear your story and what you are going through. I want to help show you that the clues are already in your life, and you have all the power to get yourself back on course. I am sending you a lot of love because I know where you are, I have been there and I know it can feel like an uphill battle to get out. And I am here if I can support you through that journey.

The Miracle Mindset

Quite simply, if you want your mind blown wide open to what is possible, please read this book.

 

I’ve read the book and listened to the story in countless interviews and I still cry every time. It is amazing what we can achieve if we simply focus on what we truly want and never give up trying to get that.

 

Long story short, JJ Virgin’s son Grant was hit by a driver and left for dead in the street. (The driver was never found.) At the hospital, he was given less than 1% chance of survival. Her younger son replied “So you’re saying there’s a chance?” and it was game on for the family. They airlifted him to a hospital that would perform the surgeries that he needed to survive. They did research about how to heal the body and mind, and made sure Grant had everything he needed. No one was able to speak any doom and gloom in the room, only hope.

 

After a long, long process Grant started making small improvements. After many years of therapy and work, he is about 80% back to normal. This is amazing for someone that had almost no chance of surviving, let alone ever walking or talking or leading a normal life ever again.

 

The book tells the story of Grant’s recovery and how JJ Virgin dealt with it. The accident happened at the same time she was trying to launch her first book and revolutionize her career. While people were telling her to stop and take a break so she could be with her family she thought to herself that if she stopped she would never be able to take care of her family. She knew that her business was going to be what paid for the absolute best care for her son and she did not want money to be the reason he didn’t get treatment.

 

There were so many lessons in this book. Here are a few of my favorites.

 

•   Forgiveness.

I think my favorite chapter was one of the very last chapters in the book, and it was how she dealt with forgiveness. Even years after the accident and all the progress Grant makes throughout the book, Virgin still felt weighed down by the whole process, like she was stuck. 

 

When Virgin realized she was still carrying around so much toxic energy from being angry with the driver she knew she needed to deal with it. She decided to put the driver on trial. She wanted a judge that would be fair and impartial, so she imagined Aslan from books. She got to be the prosecuting lawyer and imagined arguing every accusation at this woman. She blamed her and said everything she was thinking. When she had it all out, she switched places. Mentally, she stepped into the shoes of the driver. What would this woman have had to be thinking to do what she did? She defended the driver's position.

 

And this gave Virgin the clarity she needed to forgive.

 

It worked so beautifully that she repeated this process for everyone including Grant and herself. I loved this idea so much that I tried it too. It is a beautiful process that brings great relief if you are struggling to forgive someone. It is particularly powerful if you are trying to forgive yourself.

 

Health first.

JJ Virgin is a health expert. She was teaching people how to eliminate harmful foods and keep their bodies in tip top shape. And thank goodness she practiced what she preached. When Grant was in the hospital, Virgin knew her health was more important than ever. If she had so much as a cold, she wouldn’t be allowed in the room with her son.

 

She packed her meals and she ran the steps up and down the hospital to get intense workouts in. She did research about what nutrition Grant needed to heal his brain and made sure he had plenty of Omega 3s. When he was eating, she brought coolers full of fresh food and made smoothies for him packed with nutrients that he needed.

 

More than anything this inspired me to keep my health in the forefront of my mind. Just like a car, if you do your regular maintenance it will run for a long, long time. The body needs to be taken care of every day, and those little choices matter much more than when we choose to go on binge diets. Do the small actions consistently, and your body will take care of you.

 

1 Focus and never, ever, ever give up.

The Virgin family fought so hard for Grant. Every step of the way. No was never an answer. They would accept “not right now” but no was never an option.

 

Small wins were always celebrated like big wins. Progress was focused on every single day. They had the goal to make sure Grant could walk and talk and live his life. He was encouraged to do what made him feel good. As he recovered he cultivated an interest in art that he did not have prior to the accident and it became a hobby for him that provided solace in tough times.

 

People who suffer severe brain injuries have a high risk of suicide because life is so difficult during recovery. Virgin shared stories of how Grant attempted to swallow pain pills to escape the pain. She got him help and helped him to redirect his focus. It’s not about the pain today. It’s about where you are going. Believe you can get there, and it does not matter how long it takes. It’s about the daily process, and never give up before you get there.

 

This book is full of miracles and lessons. And maybe the biggest lesson of all is that miracles are simply just a change in perception. Miracles can be as simple as being able to draw or swimming laps in the pool. It can be big goals, like launching a million dollar business no matter what bumps come in the way. But the only way to achieve those miracles in your own life is to believe that you can and to keep going.

But What Will My Friends Say?

Have you ever tried to march to the beat of your own drummer, but when your friends reacted with disgust, worry, or anger you abandon everything? Instead you try to find the drumbeat that everyone else hears. Does this sound familiar?

 

You are not alone. I do it all the time. I would say it is one of the contributing factors to why I had so many bumps in my dating life. I was quick to abandon my own preferences and needs and I tried to become what I thought my romantic interest wanted. And it is no surprise that all of these relationships ended with confusion and frustration. 

 

Why do we care so much about what people think? Even when I say I don’t care, there is still a part of me that cares.

 

Thanks to technology we are more connected that ever. It is both a positive and a negative. It is really great to connect with people you haven’t seen in ages and it’s an easy way to send a message to someone.  

 

Have you heard about the research that looks at what social media does to the brain? And I’m not just talking about just the over-hyped comparison of social media and cocaine.

 

Yes, social media sets off the same reward sensors in the brain as cocaine and sugar. The brain gets flooded with dopamine every time someone gives us a heart on Instagram. It makes us feel liked and connected.

 

Don’t get me wrong. These aren’t bad things. We as human beings love to feel connected! It’s how we survived when we lived in caves. It’s how we survive now in this world that is changing so quickly. We survive because we are connected to others.

 

But this same need for connection drives us to behave unlike ourselves. We make choices so that we fit in, so that other people like us, so that we are one of the herd.

 

Martha Beck calls it the Social Self. The Social Self is the one that drives you to do the things that will make you a part of the crowd. The Social Self drives you to do things like see the movie that everyone is talking about, drink at parties (even when you really don’t want to), or stay at the boring 9 to 5 job that you hate but keep for… some reason that you’re not really sure about.

 

The Social Self worries about what your friends will say. Your Social Self worries that you won’t fit in, that people will talk negatively about you, that you’re not cool enough. Your Social Self is driven by these dopamine-charged boosts that we get when we have meaningful connection. Because your Social Self is trying to make sure you can survive in this world.

 

But we don’t live in caves anymore. And social media can work for our Social Self or for the natural, Wild Self. And we get to decide how to use Social Media and which Self we want to Nurture.

 

Martha Beck calls this other half the Essential Self. The Essential Self is the part inside of you that is purely yours. The part of you that is just in tuned with your deepest desires, needs, and wants. It marches to the beat of your drum. The Essential Self is talking to you when you decide to dance (even if no one else is), you take a nap in the sun in the afternoon, or you take a walk in the woods at lunchtime.

 

The Essential Self truly does march to the beat of its own drum. It doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. It only wants to do what it wants to do.

 

Here is the really cool thing. Even though the Essential Self doesn’t care what other people think, and it only does what it wants to do, it will attract other people that agree. It will actually attract better people, more agreeable, and more fanatic and loyal people.

 

The idea is that like attracts like. And if we are being true to our Essential Self then people that are like us will find us and walk with us. If like attracts like and we are following the social self, it isn’t the natural fit for our soul. The connections aren’t as deep, not as meaningful.

 

If we choose to show up authentically on our social media and share the things that feel like it is truly who we are deep down, the people we will meet and connect with are going to be stronger connections.

 

When we ask ourselves “What would my friends think?” we are thinking with our Social Self. If we worry about what our friends are thinking, we are not making the deep soul connections that we could be making if we listened to our Essential Self. The Essential Self thinks “What do I think?” and it follows.

 

Where are you thinking with your Social Self? Where can you shift your thinking to ask yourself about your own guidance instead of asking what others think?

 

Mastering Learning the Hard Way

If colleges gave degrees in learning things the hard way I would have my Masters and be on my way to a Phd. My minors would be in stubbornness and mistake making. At least that would give me a piece of paper to frame to show something for all these mistakes and lessons learned. Right now, all I have is some wisdom that I am trying to live each day.

 

Since I don’t have a physical degree, I am going to write some of the lessons down so that they are in print, I can incorporate them on a deeper level, and hopefully they will also be useful for you.

 

The biggest lesson that I am still practicing on a daily basis is where to turn for guidance. I used to be a person that devoured books, courses, quotes, podcasts, or wisdom from friends in order to make my decisions. I used to think that the answers were out there. That everyone else was given a magical key that had all the symbols and their meanings and could tell me what I was supposed to do. I thought all these people who wrote books were special, that they had something that I didn’t because they had this book in print. Someone came along and bopped them on the head and marked them as #blessed or smart and that I had to learn from them.

 

I spent who knows how much money on courses and mentors and books and videos that I thought would share some insight that I needed to be better. All the while, I was looking at myself as not enough: not smart enough, not talented enough, not networked enough, not wise enough. I thought that I needed more books or more knowledge or more things to give me the answers.

 

Can you see the big “but” coming?

 

BUT that is truly all an illusion. What I learned, the hard way of course, was that there is no magical expert or magic wand to make someone more special than anyone else. Each one of us has special gifts and it is up to each person to bring their gifts to the world. You are your own expert.

 

I could give credit to the numerous teachers that helped me find this wisdom, because it was almost like I needed permission to do the thing that I already knew. I was getting tired of asking everyone else for advice on what I needed to do. I realized that everyone is just giving advice through the filter of their own experiences.

 

When I had a relationship fall apart, I realized I couldn’t ask anyone else what I should do. No one could answer that question. I had to hear what my heart was saying. I could ask people for support, but they would never be able to tell me what was right or wrong.

 

That relationship ended up not working out, but if I hadn’t listened to my heart and given it my best shot I would probably still be wondering what if? I would wonder if there was something that I hadn’t tried and if that would have been the thing to make it all better. Not that there was anything, but that’s how my brain works. It is always looking for how to make things better.

 

I’ve been practicing this for the last year and a half. Turning to myself before turning to anyone else. I still listened to podcasts, mentors, coaches, books, and courses but they are playing a different role in my life. I use them for research to inspire me to see what is possible in this gorgeous life we have. I use them to keep me thinking positively. And I use them for interesting conversations, I’m listening to more fiction and humor than I ever have in the past.

 

Where are you turning to outside sources to save you? What can you do to learn more from yourself?

How To Hire a Life Coach

I hear a lot of questions about what it means to be a life coach and how does someone go about hiring a coach. I decided to put everything right here. If I missed anything, please leave a comment and ask your question! 

 

What is a life coach?

 

Simply put, a life coach helps you create focus in your life to achieve the things you want. They help keep you mentally fit and strong so you perform at your best and show up as your best self in your every day life.

 

Think about fitness. Can a person workout and eat healthy foods on their own? Sure. Lots of people do. I go through periods of time when I am doing it alone.

 

But when I have a personal trainer or a health coach to help me make better choices, to push me to do stuff I don't want to do, and to stick to a regimen, my results improve. I go to the next level of my health. Maybe I would have gotten there on my own, but I got there a lot faster with help. An outsider perspective can also see the things that I can't. It's a lot harder to see things when it hits so close to home.

 

How do I know if I need one?

 

For most people, they have an internal hunch, like a whispering, that says "hey maybe you should check that out." Usually that hunch is pointing you in the right direction and I personally teach people to follow their hunches more often. Instead, what most people do is they try to find reasons not to listen to the hunches. But I digress.

 

A life coach might be useful for you if you feel stuck in one area in your life- maybe family or relationships, career, passion, money, health, or your relationship with yourself. Many life coaches have specialities, like a health coach or a business coach, but there are just as many that have a wide base of knowledge that can help in a variety of areas. Besides, you would be surprised how connected this are. A shift in your relationship to your health could actually also bring up issues that you have with your family.  The right life coach for you can help with these things.

 

How do I pick a life coach?

 

Check out their information online! Many coaches have gotten very dpsaavy with putting good content out for free so that they can serve a lot of Peale and also it let's potential clients get to know the coach. Sign up for their mailing list. Read their blog or watch their YouTube channel. Do you like his or her personality? Are you resonating with what he or she is saying? Do you want to know more?

 

Also, what are the practicalities? Do you meet in person or by phone or Skype?

 

Another great option is to sign up for a consultation call. Every life coach I know or have worked with offers a consultation call so you can get to know each other. Just like dating, you don't want to enter into a committed relationship without getting to know the other person and making sure you are a great fit. Use this session to talk about what in particular is bothering you and ask the important questions about how to hire a life coach.

 

Sessions with your coach won't always be easy, and you won't always end them feeling better. In fact, sometimes feeling unsettled and upset is the best way to spark you to make real change in your life. You don't necessarily need a life coach that will always be your peppy cheerleader, but you do need a life coach that will see you, hear you, and understand you. This person will be in your corner, your ally, but not your friend. It's an important distinction. Choose the person that makes you feel seen, heard, and understood and that you trust to get you to where you want to go.

The 5 Second Rule

 

A catchy title, right? I thought so when I watched an interview with Mel Robbins, author of The 5 Second Rule. 

 

The tag line is that you can change your life in 5 seconds. It's simple, actionable, and it works.

 

Think about it. We change our lives all the time, one decision at a time. We choose vegetables or ice cream at dinner. We choose to spend time on our resume or LinkedIn or we watch YouTube videos of cats. 

 

And maybe you think that is baloney. We make lots of decisions that don't have a big impact. We take a new way home from work, or we go to spin class instead of going for a run. On the surface those things don't seem to have that big of an impact.

 

But here is the thing that I find fascinating, and something that really hit home when I read the book. Even the mundane choices have an impact on your brain. 

 

What I really loved about The 5 Second Rule was that Robbins includes a lot of information about how the brain works when we are in fear and stress. 

 

And let me tell you, I really love understanding the brain. It feels like a game to me. How can I understand the rules of the game so that I can work this to my advantage. 

 

Before I get into what I learned, here is a little bit about Mel Robbins. Mel is an ordinary person that created some extraordinary opportunities for herself. She doesn't really talk about it in the book so much, but she does discuss it in interviews. She worked for CNN and hustled to work on a number of TV shows. It sounds pretty awesome to me, but apparently that life is quite hard. Money isn't just rolling in, it all depends on it getting picked up and being a hit with the network. And she had very little say in what she worked on. 

 

She is also very open in interviews about the financial difficulties she had with her family. This makes it seems really relatable. She's just like us- she had money problems even though she was trying to make something of herself! She talks about her anxiety and depression and how this simple tool helped her (and her kids who also have anxiety) pull herself out.

Here's how the 5 Second Rule works. When you feel an impulse to take action, you need to take that action before you reason yourself out of doing anything. The naturally habit is to create all kinds of reasons not to do something. Our brain would rather us remain in inaction. It seems like the safer way to remain safe. It's our reptilian brain doing what it needs to do to keep us alive.

 

But the problem is that most of the time our safety is not in danger. Introducing ourselves to a cute guy or girl, going to the gym, pitching an idea to your boss is not life or death. It just seems like it is in our brain. 

So how do we stop this thinking and get into taking the action that we need to take? Robbins says we simply need to do a countdown and then launch into action. 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 GO. 

 

Simple, right? And strangely effective. Sure there is some brain science that backs up why it works but the point is that it works.

 

Test it for yourself. Tomorrow set your alarm for 15-30 minutes earlier. When it goes off, you will probably not want to get out of bed. You won't feel like doing it. But when that alarm goes off, try counting down 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 and LAUNCH yourself out of bed. No thinking, just act. 

 

I bet if you do the countdown and then act, you will see yourself shifting. It's a small win, and then you can build from there. 

 

It's a fantastic, simple strategy and a simple book with lots of actionable information. It's a quick read, especially if you are good at skimming. I like good stories scattered into my self-help books but there were just too many examples of Tweets and other people's stories for my taste. But the information is still useful and potentially life changing if you actually take the small actions and use the momentum from those wins to keep going.