Are you willing to see masculinity in a new way?

I'm tired of men getting generally beat up in the media these days. Maybe you're like me and you're really struggling with the daily onslaught of news about accusations made against male celebrities that are abusing their positions of power. It makes me wonder if men are safe to be around.

And that thought hurts my heart. Today, I write from a place that hopes for understanding and partnership between the sexes, and I hope to provide you with some ways to move towards change.

I am having a lot of conversations about Toxic Masculinity. The men I talk to are deeply ashamed of the behavior of other men. They are getting angry for bearing the burden of being the good guy and fighting on behalf of the ones that ARE good. Or they are just shutting down, feeling helpless at the whim of the media and the culture sweep against men. 

If I know anything about men it is that they care deeply, especially about the women that are important to them. They are tender-hearted, and want nothing more than to protect women from harm. 
 

You would just never know if because of the masks they wear to protect themselves.

This Thanksgiving, in addition to brining the pie to the dinner table, I would like to also bring compassion, appreciation, and understanding.

The word "masculine" has become associated with the word "toxic," which makes us think it is bad to be masculine. That could not be farther from the truth. We need masculine energy, as much as we need feminine energy. Both types are important. 

Who be clear, when I speak about masculine energy I am generally referring to men. It is true that both men and women contain masculine and feminine energy, and choose which to bring forward more often. But for right now, I am referring to masculine and men in the same way. 

My working definition of masculine is that masculine energy stands for structure, drive, and goal-oriented focus. They are singularly focused on their goal, and they are internally motivated to achieve it. Masculinity wants to be respected for his thoughts and his ability to provide. It is about production, accomplishment, and assertiveness.

In our culture, masculinity represses and denies their full range of emotions because we have made it unsafe for them to do so. We accept anger over sadness as the acceptable male emotion. Think of all the lessons boys get at a young age that they aren't allowed to show emotion or cry when they are feeling scared or vulnerable. That's not allowed.

It causes them to repress these emotions, stuff them away, and ultimately disconnect from their sense of self.

Disconnection has horrible effects, and we are seeing it everywhere in the news -- irrational violence and anger, sexual aggression and domination, abuse of power. This does NOT have to be the norm, and it is NOT the definition of masculine. It is an effect of a cause that we created.

We can start to reverse the effect by getting curious and being open to holding space for the masculine to remove their mask and find connection. As women, we can support this with compassion, which is one of our greatest gifts we can offer. 

Here is how:
Bring Curiosity and Patience this weekend. (Caution: Because we are not used to showing up this way for men, we may need to bring extra helpings of both.) 

I encourage you to look at the men in your life with a curious eye. Ask yourself, how are they showing up for me? What if he has a good reason for doing what he's doing?

If you feel really open, ask a man that very question. Observe his behavior, and if it is confusing to you, ask. Say: "I see you are doing X, and I know you probably have a good reason for that. Can you help me see the reason?"

It's simple, but it isn't always easy. Curious and patient is how I strive to show up daily, but it doesn't always work out that way. But I am committing to it this weekend. I want to let masculinity have its space to show up AS IS, because that also makes room for femininity to show up as is because BOTH have a place in this world. 

To be continued...

Here's your challenge: Tell me in the comments. What are your intentions for this Thanksgiving weekend? What are your big takeaways from this post? How can you see one man in your life differently? 


PS. This blog post was inspired by this cartoon sent to me by one of my dearest friends. (thanks for the inspiration for writing this!) And if you’re willing to laugh at yourself for how we pick on men and make them wrong, here is the brilliant Rachel Bloom and the females of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend singing Let’s Generalize About Men. 

What I Learned From Friend-Zoning Myself

I still laugh when I tell the story of this date. Even though I made a rookie dating mistake, I learned two important lessons from it. 

I was on a date with the most handsome man I had met in a long time. We met at an event, and I had a really good feeling about this one. I was excited to find a guy that was wildly smart and driven. He talked passionately about his plans for the future, what he wanted to create in his field, the books he was reading, and his upcoming travel. All with self-deprecating humor. Swoon! Heaven!

Conversation switched into how crazy it was to actually meet a person in real life before a date instead of an app. I mentioned a theory I have about apps actually being a bad idea for women, and he asked me to share more of my ideas.

My inner voice was shrieking, "Whaaaaaaaat?!!?! A man interested in my looks and my ideals. Jackpot! Quick, impress him!!"

I took a pause. As a student of male/female relationships I knew that talking about dating isn't sexy. It is the dating equivalent of Hurricane Irma- it blows through, showering down way too much overwhelming force, and leaves a wake of destruction that takes a lot of effort to recover from. 

But the excited inner voice encouraged me to forge ahead, so I shared my dating theories and the conclusions I've made from all my reading and self-study. Even though he was intrigued and kept asking me questions, I promptly felt myself receive a stamp on my forehead that read "FRIEND."

Although the date didn't end as I hoped, I learned two valuable lessons.

Lesson One:

He told me "I can see why some guys would be intimidated by you."

It stung to hear it out loud, but he was right. My original intention was to attract this guy to me. But instead of attracting, I was competing and impressing. At some point when I was sharing my ideas, I crossed into showing off how smart I was and I wanted to prove I could even be smarter than him. Why did I do that?!

Even when we know better, we have old patterns that emerge and take over our actions. I started competing for space of who was impressing who, and it became competitive. And, ladies, let me tell you, men will never compete with you energetically. They will walk away and find someone with opposite energy because that is attractive. Think of magnets. Opposites attract and alike repels. 

What I could have done was checked myself when I felt my chest swelling with pride. I could have asked his thoughts and opinions at that point to give myself a moment to ask if that was really the energy I wanted to be creating at that moment. I would have shifted my energy so that I was using my intelligence in a way that is attractive and not competitive.

Lesson Two:

The second thing he said after I shared my theories was "Why aren't you teaching this?!"

Wheels screeched. Needles scratched the record. Time stood still. Insert all the cliches here. Because I didn't have an answer, and he was right. How did I not see this before?!

This is the exact moment that the idea was planted in my brain that I should be doing what I am doing now: teaching women to understand men better so that we can create deeper relationships with more empathy. 

I had a lot of men approach me and ask if I helped men understand women. I was flattered, but I had no idea how to teach men. And I usually answered something like "Not at the moment, but maybe someday." 

Well, someday is here. I am offering up a limited number of slots to men for individual 1 on 1 specifically for coaching about dating, love, and relationships.

If you, or someone you know, would benefit from a free exploratory 90 minute session with me, please go here and sign up for your session.

Since I am in the middle of teaching my course, I am only taking a very, VERY limited number of individual coaching appointments. So, if you want one, speak up now and claim it before it is snatched away by someone else.

I will be writing and talking more about the balance between masculine and feminine energy because that stuff is complicated and confusing. If you have questions or thoughts, send them my way. I want to help clear up the confusion.

Until next time, my dear friends.

Lots of love,

Sarah

What I Learned Facing My Fears

Maybe you followed along on my Instagram my journey to face 40 Fears in 40 Days. I had so much fun with this self-imposed challenge. I did things like dancing naked, failing on purpose, giving blood, asking for help, and saying no.

It often surprised me that the things I thought would be scariest were actually easy. And the things that seemed simple are the ones that really made me sweat. I wanted to explore in writing my overall reactions and lessons from the 40 days. And I hope it will be useful to you as well.

•   Most Stuff Actually Isn’t That Scary.

I borrowed a challenge from The Four-Hour Workweek to lay on the floor on a public place for 60 seconds. My head was spinning all kinds of stories about what I would say if anyone asked what I was doing. I thought about how everyone must be staring at me and thinking how strange I am.  The 60 seconds went by slowly and no one said anything. I couldn’t even see people’s faces so I have no idea if they even noticed me.

I am so afraid of what other people will think, but the reality is that people are so busy doing their own thing that they don’t even notice me laying on the floor. No one asked if I needed help or if I was ok. What I am really afraid of is something that isn’t coming, and if it does come, I can’t do anything about it. Bracing for the worst was really just playing tricks in my imagination, not in the real world.

2. I Am Stronger Than I Thought, But Fears Don’t Actually Get Conquered.

When I had to ask for a discount on my coffee, I was sweating through my shirt. My heart was pounding and I stumbled over my words, but I took a deep breath, smiled, and asked politely. I didn’t get the discount that day, but figured that it would be much easier to ask for a freebie a few weeks later in the challenge.  

But I was surprised when I had the same problem. I had to psych myself up in the car before walking into the ice cream shop, and I practiced what I would say when I walked in because I was so afraid that people would think I was crazy. I was still sweating and nervous.

What I learned was that I still have some made up stories in my head, and I need to keep questioning them because THEY AREN’T REAL. It doesn’t magically go away because I did the thing that scares me, it is still there chattering its fear story in my ear. It’s going to take some time to break old patterns.

3. People Love to Support You.

I learned at my family reunion that even though my family doesn’t necessary “like” all my posts in an outward way, they are reading, processing, and trying the experiment in their own way. I discussed my post about making eye contact with strangers with my cousin, because she saw the post and tried it for herself. I was surprised to have this conversation with her because she hadn’t liked a post in a while so I assumed she hadn’t seen or read it.

But what I realized is that the people that care about me are actually being really inspired by the changes I have made in my life the last year. And when I gave blood and told strangers that I did it because of a challenge, everyone was so supportive of me and my fears about the process. It’s lovely to know people are rooting me on. I believe that human beings genuinely want to encourage and support each other, we are communal animals after all. We just don’t give each other the chance to do that.  

I urge you to ask yourself if anything I learned resonates with you. Ask yourself if you are sabotaging yourself in your imagination and you don’t even recognize it. I would be willing to bet that you probably are. Where are you willing to get a little uncomfortable?

Doing a lot of things that made me feel uncomfortable was extremely valuable to building my self-confidence. I feel stronger, I feel more willing to question my doubts, and I know I am capable of pushing forward. It also got me out of a few ruts where I was making assumptions. If you’d like to try some of my challenges, reply to this email and I will send you the PDF I created with all the challenges in one place. Try a few, see what happens for you, and let me know how it goes! 

Don't Find Your Passion

Passion is the new dirty word in the self help world.

For most of my life I have been seeking and pursuing my passion. I have read countless books and watched online classes and videos about how to find your passion and how make a living with it. There are people that have made their entire careers teaching people how to do exactly that.

I no longer believe in finding and pursuing my passion.

This is not because of failure. Many of you have watched me as I tried my hand at Arbonne, personal training, and theater all pursuing my dream and my passion. Each time I pivoted, I thought that this new thing was IT. Only in hindsight did I see that it is all really the same dream in different clothing.

And there is nothing wrong with trying on different items of clothing.

I heard a term a year ago and it described the new wave of entrepreneurs as “multi-passionate.” Instead of pursuing one passion, they were ok with having several passions, and the passions are not necessarily the end-all-be-all.

What I have learned about passion is that it can be fleeting. By nature, passion is meant to excite your cells, get you all fired up. From an evolutionary stand point, that passion you feel early in a relationship is meant to make the population procreate. That passion naturally fades over time so that the children can be raised

And if you get really honest, how often have you waited for passion to come along to motivate you to go for that run, eat healthy, or make a job change? Do you sit around waiting for passion to come up and grab you and stir up butterflies in your stomach? And if it does, do you trust it enough to act?

Passion is not meant to be inspirational. Passion doesn’t simply just come along. When we limit our thinking to finding that “one” passion that everyone says is out there for us, we inevitably get demotivated. Our thinking becomes tunneled. We keep seeking for just the “one” thing that is OUR passion.

It’s tricky semantics, the way our thinking plays tricks on us.

We each have one passion that is unique to us. We search for the one thing, and we get possessive. And then if we find anyone else doing the same thing that we think is ours, we despair and compare and think that the other person is doing so much better than us. Then we think it is hopeless and we give up on our passion and settle for less.

Sometimes it is a feeling of being paralyzed at not finding any passion at all. I used to wait for my calling to come knocking on the door, take me by the hand, and walk me down Easy Street to the path of happiness and success. I thought that it would be that easy. If I found “My Thing” it would all just unfold in front of me with ease.

I felt that I found my thing when I became a coach. It felt so easy, and I felt like I was aligned with a higher purpose – My Calling. But the path is hard. There are sharp twists that I didn’t see coming. There are challenges and struggles and tests. It’s a daily choice that I have to make to keep going. And I keep going not because of passion, but because of my long-term vision of what I want to create in this world. The point of my journey all along is that I am in line with my long-term vision of what I want to create for myself and others. It doesn’t really matter what vehicle I use to get there.

So how did I even find the things that I get passionate about and enjoy pursuing despite the challenges? It’s a process.

•   Notice what sparks your interest and makes you feel a little excited.

•   Pick one or two to commit to and pursue. Give yourself no less than six months to dedicate and practice.

•   Immerse yourself.

•   Get a coach or mentor to guide you along the way.

•   Tell your friends, and find a buddy to join you.

•   Keep going, no matter what.

These steps seem simple and easy. And that’s what I tried to do. I tried to keep things simple and easy to follow. It’s not always easy to stick to a path when things get hard. But that’s the point of 4 and 5- give yourself accountability to stick through the tough spots.

Passion just isn’t enough to get through the day to day slog on the way to finding success. And there is no such thing as One Perfect Calling (or Person). But we can find a thing that brings us happiness, and isn’t that the point?

When you look back at the paths you choose to pursue, and the ones you didn’t what commonalities do you see? WHY did you choose it, what were you trying to accomplish or gain? This is how I found my bigger vision. Even though the paths I choose don’t look the same on the outside, deep down I know why I am doing them. And that’s all that matters to me. I’m committed to waking people up, helping them become better versions of themselves. I know I’m walking towards that.

Grit by Angela Duckworth

I enjoyed reading Angela Duckworth's book Grit. I made it the first book to read and discuss in my book club for people looking to learn from others to help improve their lives. But when it came to writing a summary, I have to tell you that I am a little stuck.

It can be boiled down simply: "Talent × effort = skill. Skill × effort = achievement." or in other words "Effort counts twice." 

Why do we need an entire book to share insights from people that apply this and failures of people that quit because they don't make the effort? Why do we need case study after case study to show us that we need more stick-to-itiveness? 

And why is it so hard to stick to something? Why do we have a myth that genius is God's gift not because of effort and practice and learned skills? 

I know from my own experience, I was an overachiever child and excelled at most subjects. I learned very quickly how prized good grades were, not to mention straight A's and perfect attendance. I remember being in a reading competition with my classmates in fifth grade. I was a good reader, but one girl read twice as many books as I did so I fell to a distant second or third place. Because I couldn't win, I stopped competing and focused elsewhere.

This is the story of how I went through most of my school. I picked subjects that I could put in some effort and excel. Notice I said some effort, not loads of effort. I never learned what it meant to put in tons of effort to get something that didn't come easily to me. I just decided I didn't really want the thing that badly, so I would change focus.

As an adult this became really frustrating because I would have interests that I wanted to pursue but they did not come completely naturally to me. I was doing ok at the introductory level, but once I advanced to the next level I was no longer excelling and I would feel discouraged. I would think that it was my fault that I wasn't naturally gifted at the thing (dancing, language, fitness, entrepreneurship, etc) and I would move on to the next thing. I would tell myself "I guess this isn't my thing! My calling is still out there, so I better cut my losses and move on!" 

I learned this is not the way it works. Things don't come naturally to most people. The things we want to be really great at take dedication and practice. Sometimes we need a coach or an expert to guide us. Sometimes we need lessons, we need to fail, we need to learn how to pick ourselves back up and move forward with practice. We also need to connect to the reason why we want to pursue something that is difficult, and the bigger the impact that the reason has, the more likely we will stick to something. 

One topic that Duckworth mentions is the idea of practice. In our culture, the idea of practice has melted away for the most part. We are almost always in performance mode, which is not useful for improving skills. Practice allows someone to go at a slower pace, to make mistakes and correct them, to try new things, and to build confidence. Think about rehearsals for a play. In a rehearsal, the actors work together with the director to memorize their lines, stumble through the blocking, and create the play that shows up onstage when everything is ready. Performance means we have the pressure of doing things perfectly, and mistakes are highly discouraged. The term "performance ready" essentially implies perfect and ready for an audience. 

School is an area that we have asked students to be at performance level disproportionately more than in practice mode. Students are expected to be near perfect and not make mistakes, because those mistakes have a negative impact on your final grades. If there was more room for practice and encouragement to get back up after failure, students would develop more resilience and would develop their skills faster. They would also feel more confident and encouraged to stick with school longer, try harder subjects, and pursue higher education. 

Reading this book was the synthesis of what I had been learning over the last year. The things that we really want don't come easily, and it takes grit to get to our greatest successes. I recently committed myself wholeheartedly with no turning back to my coaching business. It does not always have to look the way that it looks today, in fact I expect it will change, but I will make my coaching business a success no matter what. I am not giving up.

I saw a quote from Oprah today that summed this up nicely. "Direction I have. Speed I do not." I'm going to keep going in this direction, but I don't have to go fast. 

Have you read Grit? What was your takeaway? 

Five Steps to Find Your Inner Guidance

In a recent moment of frustration and confusion I threw my hands up, had a mini temper tantrum and yelled to the heavens “Somebody just tell me what to do!”

I used to constantly ask my friends to solve my problems. I would ask them what I should do, and then ask other friends for a second opinion. It became an endless search find what seemed right.

The process left me crippled. I couldn’t make a decision unless I got a friend on the phone to talk through it. I recently found a way to answer my own questions, and I have now taught it to my clients who have all been impressed with how easy it is to find their own answers.

Here is my easy five step system that you can start practicing right away.

1.  Sit in Silence.

Practicing stillness is very different from meditating. Stillness creates clarity and power. It will also help you discern between the internal loud, pushy voice and the still, quiet voice that comes later if you really listen.  

Turn off anything that makes noise. Sit, be quiet, and still for 10 minutes. That’s all. You can space out completely. There’s no need to think, or count your breath. If your brain won’t stop running, let it run. You just have to be still and quiet. If you fall asleep, that’s ok too.

Results aren’t important, it’s just meant to be a practice in stillness and listening.

2. Practice a Body Scan

One of the most useful tools I have learned is how to speak my body’s unique language. The more you pay attention the more it will talk to you, and practicing a body scan will help you learn this language. A body scan done on a regular basis will teach you how your body responds in various situations. I recommend that you practice this twice a day for a week. Keep a notebook to track what you notice. Look for changes from one day to the next, and sometimes noticing an absence is just as important and noticing something unusual.

If you do the exercise and you don’t feel anything, start by squeezing your thumb. Describe what that feels like. Move through your body, squeeze different parts. This gets you in tune with your sensations.

To do a body scan, give yourself 3-5 minutes in a quiet place. Close your eyes, and take three deep breaths. Focus on your feet and notice anything you feel. Are you clenching, is there tightness or tingling, or do you feel nothing at all? Move up your leg pausing at major areas, like calves, knees, and thighs. Next pause at your hips, glutes, stomach and lower back. Note anything you sense. Work your way up your back, into your shoulders and into your chest. Mentally scan down your arms to your hands. Then sense your neck. Finally, notice any tension in your face, particularly your jaw, the area around your eyes, and your forehead.

This will start to track how your body handles different situations. In the future, you will notice your body’s signals and will have a clearer indicator about how to act and respond.

3. Test for your Intuitive Yes and No

Did you know that your body will give you a physical answer for Yes and No? It is different for everyone, but there are a few ways to calibrate so you understand how to read the signals.

The easiest way to understand is to think back to your past. Think of someone that was really wrong for you- maybe a school bully or an ex-lover. Scan your body for the response. This is your “No.” Then think of someone that you have an obvious and uncomplicated positive response towards. Scan your body, and note what you feel because this is your “Yes.”

Test this in your real life. Do you want a smoothie or scrambled eggs for breakfast? How does your body react when you say each option out loud?

4. Make Mistakes

Making mistakes is one of the fastest ways to prioritize what really matters to you.

Test my theory by flipping a coin. Find a problem you have with two answers. Assign an answer to each side of the coin. Flip the coin, but no matter which side actually wins your reaction to the result will tell you what you really want.

I encourage you to make mistakes. Blunders will show you what you truly value. Observe your reactions, what can you learn from that, and how can you realign your life to live those values?

5. Balance Rest and Play

This falls under the title of “if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.” When I am working, I feel like I am playing. I am completely in the flow of life and it is completely joyful. And when I have a task that doesn’t feel like play, I can turn it into a game or I learn to delegate and ask for help (like paying for someone to do my taxes).

When I’m not playing, I give myself time to rest, more than just sleep. I give myself a time to recharge, to do nothing. Like winter, it may look like I am not getting anything accomplished but this time is necessary to be ready to play and produce my best. Rest is anything from a nap, a good workout, or dancing. It is whatever I need to let go of expectations of producing and to instead just recover.

I encourage you to test this for yourself and tell me your results. When I started practicing, I felt clearer and lighter. I also felt more confident that I was making the right choices for what I really wanted in my life.

Recently, a client admitted that she came to me expecting to be handed all the answers. That I would be able to tell her what job to take to make lots of money and make her dreams come true. She wasn’t sure if she should apply for a job in marketing because it would give her more money. After teaching her these steps she firmly decided that job was a bad fit for her. She is using these tools on a daily basis to feel more confident in all areas of her life including personal relationships and her side hustle with a rapidly growing theater company.

That gift of certainty is something cannot be given from someone on the outside. It can only be created from within.

Why You Should Stop Caring About Shoes

They say bad things come in threes, you’ve heard this right? Like those days when it all seems to start wrong. You oversleep, then spill your coffee on yourself on the way out the door, and you just know that something else bad is going to happen. Of course, I am speaking totally from personal experience.

We see this happen with celebrity deaths, too. Remember when Bowie died, and we were all still mourning then came the shocking news Alan Rickman died? Not only were we sad to lose two great artistic geniuses, we all braced ourselves for the third.

I had a good friend email me recently that two colleagues were fired in the course of two weeks. She noticed she was holding her breath, waiting for the third firing to happen. It felt like it was looming.

She noticed herself waiting for that third firing, and felt inspired to write a little for me and for my blog. Here is what she shared with me:

“If you are like me, when waiting for the "third death" there is a looming feeling and a holding of the breath until it happens. I take stock of my life, friends, family and health. There is reflection of all the good and wonderful moments and also a sense of action: I need to exercise, eat better, set-up that will, take care of my s***!

I've been having this same feeling as I await hearing who might be the "third fired." I might complain about my job some days, but I really need it and mostly like it. I like my office and my co-workers and my paycheck! I like having purpose every day and being part of a team. I don't want to be fired! But much like death, it can happen--and for any number of reasons (either on my part or my company's part).

(then I stopped writing...if I want to keep my job, I guess I should do it instead of writing this email! haha!)”

Thanks to my friend for taking the time to write to me and share her thoughts about this because it made me realize we all suffer this. This phenomenon is also called “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

I am here to tell you to stop caring about the damn shoes. It’s not about the shoes, it’s not about waiting for a thing to happen, or bracing yourself for the worst.

Here’s exactly why you shouldn’t focus on waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When we focus on something, our brains are programmed to literally search until it finds the missing piece. The brain loves to solve problems. And the problem that is created in this situation is “something bad is going to happen, because it has to because of the law of threes.” So the brain will work and search until it solves this problem.

Rarely does the brain work to disprove this theory because we have set up a scenario where it says “Bad things come in three and this must be true.” It is like programming a computer, and giving it exact parameters. It is not giving an option to look for reasons why it must NOT be true, instead it is trying to prove why it must be true. It is just the way the code is written.

Here is the important thing. This code that bad things happen in threes is NOT true. When I searched for the third celebrity death after Alan Rickman, there wasn’t another major death for over a month (Harper Lee died on February 19). 

The rule of threes is a completely made up phenomenon. If you are looking for the third bad thing to happen, then your brain will most certainly find it. It will not rest until it does. Or it will get distracted by something else and choose to focus on that other thing instead.

So the next time you find yourself holding your breath and bracing for the third worst thing, the best thing you can do is recognize that is happening and then distract yourself. What is more important? I actually like how my friend said she directs her attention to taking stock in her life. What is working? What would she like to see improve?

Even better would be if you can use the good ol’ attitude of gratitude. What do you love in your life right now. Write 20 things. Yes, that might sound like a big number but remember we are reprogramming your brain to distract from feeling bad and waiting for something bad to happen. So, what is good? What are you grateful for? It’s even better if you can get really specific. A recent item on my gratitude list was “My soft sheets because I got a really cozy night’s sleep last night.”

Instead of looking for the bad, train your brain to look for the good. What is good about your day, what are the other good things that you can find?

And if you’re going to care about shoes, at least choose a cute pair that makes you feel sexy and awesome.

Learn How to Captivate

Captivate is definitely one of the best books I read this year. It is all about hacking human behavior in order to be more successful in our careers and relationships.

I have some friends that are hesitant with this book because it seems like manipulation. Understanding people’s behavior and their preferences could be used for evil, but we live in a world where we have to interact with other people. And if we can do that understands the rules and expectations, then it is just easier.

Vanessa Van Edwards made her career in helping people be less awkward. She calls herself a professional people watcher. She has done so much research about what makes certain TED Talks speakers viral, why certain historical figures made an impact, and how your selfies are sabotaging your dating game.

She breaks the book into three sections to optimize your impressions and impact in your interactions: The First Five Minutes, The First Five Hours, and The First Five Days. In each of the crucial time periods we can show up and act in a way that gives us the best chance at making a positive impression on another person and making the interaction really matter.

Here are my highlights from each section.

The First Five Minutes

The biggest takeaway from this section was how to be the most memorable person in the room, and it all goes back to be interested to be interesting.  

Van Edwards says that one of her biggest missions with her career is to eliminate small talk. If we follow her advice, hopefully there will never be a terrible cocktail party or networking event where the first question is “So what do you do?” Ask questions that spark excitement. Highlight someone’s best features (whether that is giving a thoughtful introduction or if it is paying someone a compliment). Instead of asking what someone does, how about asking what they are excited about? Or what was the highlight of their day? Find something that makes the person perk up

The key to mastering the first five minutes with someone is to play to your strengths and to help them play to theirs. and get them to talk about that, everyone has something if we just take the time to uncover it. Van Edwards argues that inauthenticity can be sensed by others, so if we are in a situation that we dislike we actually can’t “fake it ‘till you make it.” Instead of faking it, find the things that feel easy or make you feel excited. If you hate dinner parties, don’t force yourself to go to them. If you love meeting people at volunteering events, spend more of your time and effort there.

The First Five Hours

In five hours you can speed read someone’s true emotions and understand their personality well enough to play to their strengths. The key to learning someone’s real inner thoughts and hidden feelings is to speed read microexpressions.

Microexpressions are natural reactions in the face that we cannot control. Microexpressions flash our true feelings of happiness, anger, fear, surprise, contempt, disgust. Each has specific muscles in the face that engage in a specific way. You can get all the details here.

Beyond understanding people’s true emotions, you can also speed read personalities. Personalities can be broken into five categories: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism. Each of us is high, low, or middle in each of these areas, and that affects our preferences, our work, and social interactions. If we can understand someone’s rankings in each of these areas, we can meet them where they are and give them information that they need to hear in the way they need to hear it.

Just as important is understanding someone’s Love Language. By understanding how someone likes to receive love we know how to show them appreciation.

The First Five Days

 Van Edwards stresses leadership skills in this third section. To me, this felt like information I had read in lots of other books, but I love that she combines stories and case studies of people that effectively use her tips. Which makes Van Edwards someone that walks her talk because one of the big tips from this section is to use story telling to increase holding people’s attention. She also talks about the power of revealing key vulnerabilities and the importance of leading by empowering. These ideas were things I had read in books by Brene Brown (a vulnerability expert) and John Maxwell ()a leadership expert), but I appreciate the reinforcement.

Overall, Captivate is a book that I will probably read over and over again because the principles require practice in order to master it. I could spend months and months learning to speed read microexpressions alone. If you work with people and if you want to increase your impact with others, read this book! 

How I Went From Feeling Numb to Blissfully Happy

I used to work in cubicle hell. I was chained to my desk by a headset and a program that tracked the amount of time I spent answering calls or avoiding them or even time spent going to the bathroom. I traded my artist ideals for a steady paycheck with benefits. From 2007-2012 I answered questions about retirement planning and investments.

The statement “I hate my job” was true but avoided at all costs because that would be admitting that I knew how bad it was. I told myself I “needed” the job in the recession, and I should “be grateful to even have a job.” So I stuffed down the truth.  

I came home and ate bad food and binge watched bad TV while drinking plenty of wine. I put on weight. I spent my time with my friends complaining about how bad my life was. And my romantic life looked like one of those ghost towns in old Western movies – completely empty with the occasional tumbleweed blowing through.

My life was far from the dream I had of what I wanted my life to be. And to be honest, I didn’t even know what I wanted from my life. I didn’t even really know how bad it was until I was out of the job for several months. I wasn’t aware of how numb I had become, because I thought it was just ok and that I couldn’t expect better.  

I worried I would spend the rest of my life running on a hamster wheel and trying to climb a corporate ladder. I worried I would put on so much weight that I would become lazy and unattractive to any possible romantic partner. I was worried I was boring in conversations. I was afraid I would never meet my future husband and would never have the family I wanted. I was worried my passion for life was dying.

The worst part was I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t know what I wanted. And how was I supposed to even figure out what I wanted when I barely had the energy to drag myself to collapse on the couch at the end of the day?

I was stuck. I was living Groundhog Day- the same misery day in and day out without any sign of change.  I remember how numb I felt. I didn’t feel happy or unhappy, just numb. I listened to The Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” every morning just to give myself some boost of happy energy just to get me through my morning routine.

Where do you even start when things seem hopeless?

I asked myself “Am I supposed to settle? Is this as good as it gets? Will I just hope that it will get better if I hang on for six more months? It’s GOT to get better if I just wait, right?”

And so I would wait, and things seemed to show some improvement. But it always went back to this feeling of dragging myself through, waiting for the weekend to arrive so I could be free. But when the weekend came, I was so low energy I didn’t enjoy it. And all of Sunday was spent dreading Monday.

That was no way to live. It wasn’t the life I wanted.

I was afraid that all of my greatest creative days were behind me in college. I was worried that I would never feel connected to my life again. I was worried that the happiest moments in my life would be taking a hot shower in the morning and drinking wine in the evenings.

My greatest fear would be that I would hit mid-life and I would look back at all the years that were gone and I would wonder “What happened to me? What happened to all my passion, drive, excitement for life? Who AM I now? I don’t even know myself, and I don’t like my life. I wasted all my best younger years.”  

I didn’t know how to change it. How do you stop going down the slippery slide straight into a mid-life crisis?

I started to change when I received a free unlimited month of fitness classes. I went to these classes and started to feel excited again (and really, really sore).  I started to lean into these classes two or three evenings a week, and I started to come out of my shell. I talked to the other people in the dressing room and after class. I talked to the instructor and built a relationship. I worked really hard for those 45 minutes. I researched healthy eating and working out habits.

My confidence grew by leaps and bounds. I was feeling excited again. I chased that excitement and kept trying to find ways to expand that excitement so I could keep feeling it more hours of the day. Just one little bit at a time, creating more excitement and happiness in the little moments.

That was ultimately how I got myself out of my funk, and started feeling excited about my life again. That is also how I got here, how I quit a really awesome job, and started feeling passion on a really excited about my life.

It wasn’t overnight, and I can’t say it was even intentional. It took years before I realized exactly the steps I took to bring passion back to my life.

Does this feel familiar to you? Do you feel numb in your life or like you are just coasting directionless? Do you see no way of stopping the slide head first into a mid-life crisis? Are you afraid that you’re settling for less than you deserve? Do you feel stuck and unsure how to get out?

I know those feelings. Let’s hop on the phone so I can hear your story and what you are going through. I want to help show you that the clues are already in your life, and you have all the power to get yourself back on course. I am sending you a lot of love because I know where you are, I have been there and I know it can feel like an uphill battle to get out. And I am here if I can support you through that journey.

The Miracle Mindset

Quite simply, if you want your mind blown wide open to what is possible, please read this book.

I’ve read the book and listened to the story in countless interviews and I still cry every time. It is amazing what we can achieve if we simply focus on what we truly want and never give up trying to get that.

Long story short, JJ Virgin’s son Grant was hit by a driver and left for dead in the street. (The driver was never found.) At the hospital, he was given less than 1% chance of survival. Her younger son replied “So you’re saying there’s a chance?” and it was game on for the family. They airlifted him to a hospital that would perform the surgeries that he needed to survive. They did research about how to heal the body and mind, and made sure Grant had everything he needed. No one was able to speak any doom and gloom in the room, only hope.

After a long, long process Grant started making small improvements. After many years of therapy and work, he is about 80% back to normal. This is amazing for someone that had almost no chance of surviving, let alone ever walking or talking or leading a normal life ever again.

The book tells the story of Grant’s recovery and how JJ Virgin dealt with it. The accident happened at the same time she was trying to launch her first book and revolutionize her career. While people were telling her to stop and take a break so she could be with her family she thought to herself that if she stopped she would never be able to take care of her family. She knew that her business was going to be what paid for the absolute best care for her son and she did not want money to be the reason he didn’t get treatment.

There were so many lessons in this book. Here are a few of my favorites.

•   Forgiveness.

I think my favorite chapter was one of the very last chapters in the book, and it was how she dealt with forgiveness. Even years after the accident and all the progress Grant makes throughout the book, Virgin still felt weighed down by the whole process, like she was stuck. 

When Virgin realized she was still carrying around so much toxic energy from being angry with the driver she knew she needed to deal with it. She decided to put the driver on trial. She wanted a judge that would be fair and impartial, so she imagined Aslan from books. She got to be the prosecuting lawyer and imagined arguing every accusation at this woman. She blamed her and said everything she was thinking. When she had it all out, she switched places. Mentally, she stepped into the shoes of the driver. What would this woman have had to be thinking to do what she did? She defended the driver's position.

And this gave Virgin the clarity she needed to forgive.

It worked so beautifully that she repeated this process for everyone including Grant and herself. I loved this idea so much that I tried it too. It is a beautiful process that brings great relief if you are struggling to forgive someone. It is particularly powerful if you are trying to forgive yourself.

Health first.

JJ Virgin is a health expert. She was teaching people how to eliminate harmful foods and keep their bodies in tip top shape. And thank goodness she practiced what she preached. When Grant was in the hospital, Virgin knew her health was more important than ever. If she had so much as a cold, she wouldn’t be allowed in the room with her son.

She packed her meals and she ran the steps up and down the hospital to get intense workouts in. She did research about what nutrition Grant needed to heal his brain and made sure he had plenty of Omega 3s. When he was eating, she brought coolers full of fresh food and made smoothies for him packed with nutrients that he needed.

More than anything this inspired me to keep my health in the forefront of my mind. Just like a car, if you do your regular maintenance it will run for a long, long time. The body needs to be taken care of every day, and those little choices matter much more than when we choose to go on binge diets. Do the small actions consistently, and your body will take care of you.

1 Focus and never, ever, ever give up.

The Virgin family fought so hard for Grant. Every step of the way. No was never an answer. They would accept “not right now” but no was never an option.

Small wins were always celebrated like big wins. Progress was focused on every single day. They had the goal to make sure Grant could walk and talk and live his life. He was encouraged to do what made him feel good. As he recovered he cultivated an interest in art that he did not have prior to the accident and it became a hobby for him that provided solace in tough times.

People who suffer severe brain injuries have a high risk of suicide because life is so difficult during recovery. Virgin shared stories of how Grant attempted to swallow pain pills to escape the pain. She got him help and helped him to redirect his focus. It’s not about the pain today. It’s about where you are going. Believe you can get there, and it does not matter how long it takes. It’s about the daily process, and never give up before you get there.

This book is full of miracles and lessons. And maybe the biggest lesson of all is that miracles are simply just a change in perception. Miracles can be as simple as being able to draw or swimming laps in the pool. It can be big goals, like launching a million dollar business no matter what bumps come in the way. But the only way to achieve those miracles in your own life is to believe that you can and to keep going.