How to Find Light in the Darkness

Faith in the darkness

I was sobbing on the floor, asking God for clarity.

I was not composed. It was not a pretty moment. I was desperate.

I had tried everything to make my relationship work. We did couples therapy, date nights, vacations, deep conversations. 

I hit the point when I needed clarity. So I hit my knees and asked God for help. “If you’re listening, God, I want clarity. If this relationship is where I’m meant to be and where I’m meant to grow, then make that clear. And if this isn’t where I’m meant to be, make that clear. Thank you.”

At that moment, I gave up controlling it. I let go of my need to be the one that figured it all out. I had faith in the unknown, faith in something larger than me. I surrendered my control.

And a couple of hours later, my then boyfriend said to me, “We need to talk.” And he ended the relationship.

Despite feeling devastated and heartbroken, a part of me knew I got what I asked for. I received clarity and I was going to trust that this was what was best for me.

I have had a rocky relationship with faith. I grew up Catholic and was an obedient girl going to church every weekly like I was supposed to. I followed the rules and tried to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

At some point, I started to question all that. I wasn’t sure the structure of the Catholic church was serving me. And I started to call myself “spiritual.” But it lacked any structure to my connection with the Divine.

But that moment changed me. I let go and let God, as they say, and began to rebuild my faith. I felt supported by something larger than me. I had a direct experience with asking and receiving an answer. It was beyond my logical comprehension. I could have called it coincidence. But where's the magic in coincidence? And I love dabbling in the magic and the Divine.

Faith is having “complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” (according to the Oxford dictionary)

You can have faith in the Divine. You can have faith in yourself. You can have faith in love.

When I feel lost, I turn to love. Love is the only thing in this universe that is infinite. When I let go of control, I surrender into more love.

It’s not always easy. It’s often painful and I try to pry open my grip on control. In our darkest moments, it only takes one spark of light to banish the darkness.

As we approach the winter solstice (the darkest night of the year), I invite you to turn towards love and open up to faith. Faith provides light in the darkness.  But we never talk about what the darkness provides. 

Our moments of darkness can provide the opportunity for rest and reflection. It can bring to light the things that are no longer working that we want to change. 

As we approach the darkest day of the year, may I invite you to find the opportunity in it? 

Find your faith. Find your moment to reflect or rest.

We take this moment so we start the new year fresh. I have a process I use every year so that I create with intention in the new year without the baggage from the old. 

If 2023 was a stinker, don't take the dirty diaper with you into a shiny, fresh new year. And if you have been saying "someday" every time you think of your dreams, maybe it's time to make it real. Wouldn't it be nice for "someday" to be today?

It doesn't happen by accident. It happens when you clear space and make a plan. 

Nothing is too big or too small for your desires. There is no order in miracles. They are all possible. 

I'm leading a free workshop on January 11 at 7pm. In this workshop I will guide you through my process of processing and letting go of the past. And then we will dream of what you want for the future and plan to make it a reality. (all while leaving some room for magic)

More details will come soon. I hope you'll take this opportunity to build faith in yourself. Let go of your past and seize your future.

Sending you so much love,

Sarah

Ever Feel Disposable in Your Own Life?

You are a treasure and deserve to be treated that way

Someone recently shared that she felt disposable because her ex was dating again. 

I am shocked at how often people call themselves disposable because their ex has moved on. 

I remember feeling this way. Feeling torn apart because my ex appeared to have moved on. I would get myself so twisted in knots trying to figure out what that meant about me.

This is so common I wanted to spend some time shedding light on another way to look at this.

This is what I call a thought error. When the programming in your internal computer (aka your brain) goes faulty. You assume other people's actions are a reflection on you. Sound the alarm bells! Major thought error right there.

You know how I know it’s an error? Because it doesn't make sense if you look at it all the way through.

Why would someone else’s behavior mean anything else about you? In your own mind, you assume you are way more important in other people’s minds. 

Most people are not factoring you into the equation when they take action. They usually aren’t doing something to make it mean something about you. They’re doing the thing because they want to. Because they are trying to feel more pleasure in their life and avoid feeling pain. Nothing more complicated than that. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

And let’s look at it from another angle. Let's assume this person did throw you away and they did think you were disposable. 

Ick. I don’t want to be with someone that treats me like trash. Why spend any more time thinking about someone that thinks about me in that way. They are not worth any space in my mind at all. I have no capacity for people who do not hold me in the highest regard.

And the saying is true - one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

We spend so much time and effort on trying to convince the person to see us as a treasure. And as we waste all that energy, there is someone else out there who already sees us as a treasure. But we’re not available for that! We’re focused on convincing the trash guy! 

What if you didn’t have to convince anyone that you’re a treasure? 

What if the people who will treasure you will see you that way regardless. And the people who see you as trash will see you that way no matter what you do. 

It’s time to put your focus on the treasure people, not the trash people.

Detach from your closeness to the situation and re-read your post as if your best friend wrote it. What advice would you give them? Would you want your best friend giving their tender heart to someone that treats it so casually?

You are also allowed to someone and say "I'm not ok with allowing this behavior in my life." You can love someone and let them go. You get to decide who has earned the right to be in your life. Just because you love them does not mean they get an all access pass. You can love them and decide you need more than what they are able to give.

You have control over who is in your life. Start looking at who actually deserves to be there. Spend more time treating yourself like a treasure. Surround yourself with people who treat you like a treasure. Do this more and more and you won't have any room for people who treat you like trash. 

PS. I was recently interviewed on a new podcast that discusses women’s issues, especially our monthly cycles and how it impacts our life. I share the story of my first cycle and all the shame I carried around it. It was so EMPOWERING to talk about this part of my life because I’m working on being more compassionate with myself. This was a big step forward. Download and listen to my story here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/embracing-flow/id1717662971

And if you subscribe you will hear my full episode in a few weeks where we talk about change cycles that we ALL go through in life.

Are You Being Foolish Selfish or Wise Selfish?

A lesson on selfishness from the Dalai Lama

What is your relationship to being called selfish? In my house growing up, this was one of the worst possible insults.

When I first started my journey in personal growth, my self-care routine started really small. Meditating for 5 minutes. Or going for a walk. Now, I luxuriate in my mornings and have a routine of meditating, journaling, reading, and exercise. I wake up early so I don’t have to rush through it.

I prioritize taking care of myself because I’m more patient throughout the day and I’m more available for others.

I always get hesitation from my clients when I tell them I want them to think of themselves more. They’re worried this will make them selfish.

They’re worried because my clients tend to have lots of experience with takers in this world. People who have a mentality to take as much as possible. And my clients are often the over-givers and people-pleasers. When a taker meets and over-giver, one person ends up satisfied. The other ends up exhausted and resentful.

They worry that if they start putting themselves first they will turn into a taker.

The Dalai Lama described it as Foolish Selfish versus Wise Selfish.

Foolish selfish means you focus on yourself at the expense of others. Your self focus does not consider how it affects and impacts other people. You may even be a bully to them to get your way.

Wise selfish is taking care of yourself first so you may be of service to others.

We must be selfish first. We must take care of our own needs. We are responsible for our own self care.

Sometimes we try to explain this as not being selfish. But actually, that’s not true. It is selfish. But I like the Dalai Lama describing it as wise selfish.

And doesn’t that feel much better to call yourself a wise selfish person and not a foolish selfish?

You can’t serve others when your own cup is empty. When you prioritize filling up your cup first, you have more to give.

Be wise selfish today.

Calling All My Power Back to Me Now

You don’t realize how much energy you put into walking on eggshells until you stop doing it. 

My ex had a lot going on with his physical and mental health. Which was a perfect storm for a recovering overfunctioning codependent such as myself. I spent so much of my time talking to him about his issues and dissecting every little thing with him. And if we weren’t talking about his issues, I was worried about triggering them so I tried to take up as little space as possible around the house. 

What’s a recovering overfunctioning codependent, you may wonder. I am so glad you asked.

A codependent, as defined by my mentor Terri Cole, is a person who is overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes, and the circumstances of the people in their life to the detriment of their own inner peace and well-being. 

An over-functioning codependent refers to the particular breed who does all the things for the other person, carries all the burdens, and does everything they can to care, nurture, or ease the way for the other person. This is usually a woman, because we’ve been socialized to be like this, who is kicking ass and taking names at work. The person everyone thinks is such a catch. But she’s dating the couch potato who can’t hold down a good job and spends his weekends playing video games with his friends. All of her friends wonder why she’s with him or if he’s just really good in bed. 

She’s with him because he’s playing an important role in her life. It’s giving her just enough love and validation that she feels a little bit less alone, a little less empty when she’s with him. It’s only just barely enough because if she let herself be really honest she would tell you she’s not really feeling satisfied in her life. She feels like there’s something more. Or that she’s holding something back. But she’s scared if she expresses all of her that she’ll be unlovable and alone for all time. 

This is why a breakup can be devastating to an over-functioning codependent. She’s lost her source of love and validation. It can be crippling. Trust me, I know, I lived it for a long time. 

However, there is hope. I now consider myself to be in recovery and my recent breakup from my ex with all the various ailments allowed me to realize something. I realized how much of my power I was giving to him. I realized I am way more powerful that I was willing to recognize before. 

So instead of letting him have my power so he can heal, I’m calling it all back to me now. I think about power cords extending from my mind, my heart, and my hoo-ha (as Emily Fletcher likes to refer to our sexual organs). I imagine unplugging each one from my ex. He no longer has a power supply from this source any more. And I wind up each cord and let it come back into myself. Maybe I even plug it into myself so I can charge up. 

I call back the power I was putting out. I intend to use this towards my healing and towards my growth. I need this power in order to mourn what was lost and to find the courage to look for opportunities for myself. 

The power was mine. I freely gave it and now I am redirecting it back to myself. Where I most need it right now.

Make More Room for Fun... Even in Training for a Marathon

Several years ago I ran my first marathon. I took my training seriously. I showed up for every group run, I did my speed workouts, and strength training. I worked really hard.

I was worried that if I didn’t do all my training that I wouldn’t be ready. I figured that I needed to follow the structured training to a T to finish the marathon. In my head, a marathon was serious stuff, so I better be serious about all my training. 

I worked SO hard. And on the day of the race, I executed my plan flawlessly. I impressed my friends and family with how strong I looked and how well I did. 

Recently, I ran a 6 mile race and a 10 mile race with minimal training. I promised myself that I could go as slow as I needed to but my goal was to smile and have fun the whole way. 

As nervous as I was about doing something hard without training, I ended up having a lot more fun. I said thank you to all the officers that worked along the route. I smiled. I sang along to my music. 

And guess what? I ended up finishing the 6 miles. And I had a lot more fun this time around.

Don’t get me wrong. That marathon was difficult and it was serious stuff. And you definitely need to train. 

But the way I approached training was rigid. I tightly gripped to the plan and I squeezed out most of the fun. Now when I run, I am prioritizing fun and my health. To me, movement is medicine and running celebrates my body and my strength. 

When I imagine my best life, I see a life that involves challenging myself to do hard things, like run a marathon. AND having a lot of fun. 

Life is meant to have fun and joy entwined with the hard stuff. We weren’t meant to take it all so seriously all the time.

Where are you gripping so hard that there is no room for fun? Or play? Or creativity?

When you think of your best life, I bet you don’t think about struggles or seriousness or exhausting work. Let me invite you to look at the areas where you’re focused on those things. Where can you relax a little bit to allow some more space? 

(I know that the worst thing to ever say to someone is “Relax!” because the response is usually “Don’t tell me to f’ing relax!” Been there. On both sides. I’m inviting you to stop making things even harder than they need to be. There is enough hard stuff in life already baked in. Don’t add more on top.)

I have helped many women to loosen their grip on life and start allowing more fun. When they’re having more fun, they start taking some risks. And then they start seeing their life change and they find their dream job, their ideal partner, or deepen their gratitude for all they already have. 

I’m interested in finding 6 women who was to do this kind of deep work - in person.I’m planning my first ever retreat for women who want to transform.

Deep within you, you know you are meant for more. You want to unleash and reclaim your power. You want clarity about what’s next. 

But you don’t know how to take the next step. 

If this sounds like you, email me at hello@sarahcurnoles.com and let me know. I’ll send you all the details and you’ll get first dibs before this is on sale publicly.

Will I see you rebooting your life at the retreat??

Courage Over Clarity

A few months ago, I paused these newsletters. I was healing from my own breakup and I wanted to get clear on my message.

I am feeling more ready to start writing again. And as I was sitting with this idea, this came through as something that needed to be written and sent immediately. So, I don’t know who needs to hear this today and I'm sending this for that person.

Courage, dear heart...

One of the most difficult parts of a breakup is losing clarity about what you think your future would look like.

One day, you’re planning what it will look like with this person one year, five years, fifty tears into the future.

And then, after the breakup it feels like you lose so much- your lover, your friend, your future. The future is no longer clear like you thought it was.

And to be completely truthful here, the future is never clear. Even when we think it is. The future is never a guarantee because we have no idea what will happen.

It would be more accurate to say- The illusion of clarity is gone.

And, shit, that’s scary.

Human beings hate uncertainty. There is nothing scarier than not knowing.

After a breakup, we lose clarity but we can choose courage.

The loss of clarity makes the space for you to take responsibility. It’s an invitation to you that you can accept or not. You can embrace the change and choose to have courage about facing your future. Uncertainty and all.

Courage doesn’t always feel good. Clarity feels like curling up on with hot cocoa with a warm cozy blanket. And courage feels like a giant bucket of ice water dumped on your head.

But it’s your wake up call.

You might be shivering, but now you’re awake. You can focus and choose what’s next.

Embrace courage even though it’s scary. Let go of the need for clarity. To summarize Martin Luther king jr. Take the next step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase.

Courage is one step at a time. Summon your courage. Wear it like a badge. You are now awake and taking control of your future.

No more autopilot.

Courage, dear heart.

You Are Worthy

If you know me, you know I’m a big fan of the TV show Parks and Rec. And I love when Donna and Tom declare it’s the best day of the year and launch a campaign to “Treat yo’self!” It’s fun, over the top, and decadent. Who doesn’t love that?

But there is a big difference between treating yourself and being worthy of it.

You are already worthy. You always are. Nothing you do can ever make that more or less than you are right now.

Treats are wonderful! They bring joy, surprise, and pleasure. Treats are great once in awhile. Do not confuse them with what you are worthy of all the time.

You are always worthy to receive:

• Respect

• Kindness

• Love

• Care and compassion

• Your Dreams

You are inherently worthy of all this and more simply by being a human being alive on the planet.

You are kind, smart, and compassionate.

No dream, aspiration, or goal is too big (or too small). You’re worthy of it all. You’re not too old, too young, too stupid, too scared, too much, too little. You don’t have to earn your worth or prove yourself.

Exactly as you are - you are worthy.

I spent New Year’s Eve watching Lizzo’s concert on HBO. It was full of such wonderful reminders of self worth, beauty, and love. In the words of Lizzo: “In case nobody told you today, you’re special.”

Take a moment right now to feel that.

Now, what is it that you are dreaming about creating in the world? It’s time to start. Right now.

Of course there will be moments of hard work. Of course there will be stumbles and failures. But you are worthy of your best life and it’s time to take a step towards that.

I believe in you. And you are so worthy of all your dreams so why not start now?

How Do You Measure a Year?

This is the time of year when we look at what has passed and what is yet to come. Do you have a system that you like to use?

A process of evaluation can be an important part of living and growing. Assessment is a way to look at what works and what doesn’t work so that you can be intentional about how you act in the future.

One of the most important parts of assessing is to do so with a curious mind, not a judgemental one. When you approach your past with curiosity, you’re acting like a journalist and looking at the story from all angles so you can understand. Looking at what actions were taken and what was the result from those actions. Find the thoughline of the story. And from that non-judgemental perspective, evaluating if those are the results you want to keep.

Most people don’t like to look at the past because they look at it with judgment. They carry shame that they should have been better or that things should have been different. But as the Ghost of Christmas Past says in A Christmas Carol, “the shadows of the past are what they are. Do not blame me.” Don’t blame yourself. You made the best choice you could at the time. And it’s in the past now. You can’t do anything to change that.

You can change your future, however. And the only way to do that is to evaluate and be honest.

I do a brief end of year ritual and I would like to share with you what my process is. I set aside about an hour of peace and quiet, but it usually doesn’t take that long. I make myself very cozy with soft blankets and a nice smelling candle. I want to let myself know this is part of my self care. I make three lists on three separate pieces of paper.

1. What do you want want to leave behind in 2022? Make a list of all the people, places, circumstances, thoughts, feelings, experiences, and situations that you do not want to come with you into new year energy. Purge it all from your brain and onto the paper.

2. Look at that list thoughtfully and with curiosity and ask what wisdom can be found from this crap? What self-knowledge did you gain? What was the contrast that you’re now aware of (less of that, more of this)? What do you now understand better than before?

3. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to declare what you do want? This is also a great place to list what went well and what you want to continue. Make a list of your desires, dreams, preferences, wishes, and anything you want to commit to creating in the new year. I keep this handy all year long and like to reflect on it as I go along.

That’s it! That’s my simple process. Sometimes, I like to release the first list by burning it, if I have a safe way to do that. Otherwise, I will rip it to pieces and throw it away. I like to physically get rid of it and leave it beyond.

What’s yours? Feel free to hit reply and tell me what you do. Or if you try my process, let me know how it goes for you!

I’m wishing you the happiest of New Years and a 2023 full of your desires!

Here's Help for the Holiday Blues

Last week I drafted a post about feeling grief during this time of year. And I re-read it right before I hit the send button and realized it wasn’t ready. It was still full of my own emotions- my pain, anger, and grief.

Don’t get me wrong. Emotions are powerful. Emotions are what I DO. I love them and there is nothing wrong with having emotions. But, I know it’s not helpful for you to read my writing while I am still actively in the emotions. It’s an old writing rule. You teach after you’re through the pain, not while you’re in it. It’s not fun for anyone to read.

Think about how uncomfortable it is for you when you’re sitting with someone in pain. No one teaches us how to be there with someone handling difficult emotions. And it’s even worse to do that when you’re reading about someone’s pain! And that’s exactly what I could talk about today.

Holiday blues are a very real thing. Many people feel sad during this time of year, for a variety of reasons. And the pressure to make it the merriest and most wonderful time of year makes it harder. It feels lonely and isolating to have sad feelings and to not be understood.

If there is someone in your life going through this, here’s what to say or do to be helpful.

1. Say, “I bet this is hard/painful/sad for you. I’m right here with you.” This validates how they’re feeling and allows them to feel how they need to feel.

2. Notice your own reaction. Do you want to try to make them better? This is common because we don’t like how uncomfortable we feel when someone is feeling low. And to make ourselves feel better, we try to make them feel better. What if nothing has gone wrong? What if they are supposed to feel sad right now? And if that’s the case, it’s ok for you to feel some discomfort AND allow them to have their own feelings. Don’t make it about you!

3. Ask, “What would look and feel like support from me right now?” This allows them to paint a picture of what they need. Don’t be surprised if they answer, “I don’t know.” If so, go back to #1. Sometimes it can help having someone be there.

4. Remind them, “I am here anytime. Literally. You can call or text me any time you need to talk or have someone remind you that you’re loved. Because I love you.” Set your own parameters around your availability. When people are going through difficult times, it helps to know that they're loved.

5. Other helpful things to say: “I hear you.” “In the past when you’ve felt like this, what was comforting or helpful for you?” (and then offer to do it with them) “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Things not to do:

1. Don’t rush through to the silver lining. Pointing out the good without acknowledging what they are feeling can be invalidating. It makes the person feel like you don’t understand them or that what they’re feeling doesn’t matter.

2. Don’t minimize. You might think it’s helpful to say something like, “At least this bad thing happened before the holidays!” or “Your ex was a jerk anyway!” It’s actually the opposite of helpful. It’s trying to cut their pain, which never actually works. You have to feel through the pain to help it go away.

3. Don’t rely on alcohol, drugs, food, or other substances to numb or escape pain. It doesn’t actually help the person to heal. It sometimes compounds the problem. Find ways to help process the emotion that also nurture their body (for example: go for a walk, drink lots of water, try yoga or stretching).

4. Don’t say “this too will pass”! I know you mean well, but anytime someone tells me that when I’m in pain, I want to punch them in the nose. I know it’s true, but it makes me angry!

For those that are going through something at the holidays, it’s ok to be there and to help support them. They are allowed to feel however they need to feel. And if this is you going through things right now, I feel you and you have my deepest compassion. Let yourself feel your feelings and also feel the moments of lightness (however small). They are both there, even when we are in darkness.

Struggle Makes Us Stronger

I had a rough week. It’s been one of those weeks that required every inch of my brain and my high-level decision making power. I tested my personal strength and my leadership abilities. I learned and I have grown. 

But, damn, in the middle of all the struggle, I often wanted to quit. I doubted my strength. 

But then I remembered something I heard from my favorite Peloton instructor, Robin Arazon, “struggle makes us stronger.” 

I remembered those moments when I’m working out and I feel like quitting until the coach says, “Yes you can, stay with it.” And I pushed through the pain and did one more rep. And afterwards I felt so proud of myself and I was stronger the next time I worked out. 

It got me thinking about the chicken and the egg. Have you ever seen a chicken break through its shell? The process of pushing and struggling to break through the shell is how the chicken builds its strength to survive. If someone else were to break the shell for it, the chick would not survive. It needs to build its own strength while breaking out of the shell so that it can survive. 

The struggles we are given are a part of our life curriculum. We are meant to struggle, grow and learn. 

But each of us knows when we have more to give. We know when there is a deeper depth of the well of strength where we can dig deep and give more. But we only reach that place when we push past the suffering. If we let our loved ones take away our pain, we never know how deep our well goes. 

If you are struggling right now, take a deep breath. You don’t have to completely break the shell right now, you just need to try. Show yourself you are stronger than you know. You will get to the other side of this, one step at a time. 

Your turn. When was a time you were struggling and you realized after it was over that you were glad it happened the way it did? Tell me your story of how you were stronger than your struggle. I want to hear from you! 

Lots of love,
Sarah

PS. Do you need a coach to help you through your moment of struggle? Someone to say “yes you can. Give me a little more” and remind you of your strength and your goals. 

Book a free Discovery Call with me to explore what it’s like to work with a life coach and see if that’s what you’re looking for:

Book here!