The secret to getting over your ex fast

I used to try to get over my ex by doing all the things they tell you to do.


I cried. I picked a new hobby. I threw myself into work. I dated and hooked up.


Doing all of that didn’t guarantee that I’d have what I thought. And I didn’t become the person I thought I would.


I thought that would give me the peace of mind that comes after I am over them. I thought I’d finally let go of the resentment and grief. I thought I’d be my best self, ready for my most loving relationship ever.


Doing things doesn’t give you what you thought you’d have. And you don’t become a different version.


It actually happens in the reverse order.


You must be who you desire to be in order to do what it takes to have what you want.


The order goes like this:

Be

Do

Have


When I help my clients, we get really clear on who you are being once you’re over your ex. And then we go to work on removing all the obstacles blocking you from being that person (often these things are in your own blind spots and it’s my job as your coach to question the beliefs keeping you stuck)


This is the secret sauce to getting over your ex fast.


This is how I help you forget your ex in 10 days.


Who is the version of you waiting and praying you get over your ex ASAP? What would you have in your life? What would you do with your time and mental energy if you’re no longer ruminating about your ex?


What else can be possible in your life?


I want you to have MORE.


If you’re ready for more, let’s talk about it on a free consultation call. Book yours here.

Learning from the train wreck experiences

One of my guilty pleasures is dating reality tv shows. Like The Bachelor, Too Hot to Handle, and, most recently, Love is Blind UK.

Of course I also watched most of the US-based seasons from Love is Blind. But there was something different about the UK version.

It wasn’t about the drama. There weren’t big love triangles. No one was out partying leaving their soon-to-be-spouse wondering what they’re doing. These couples weren’t concerned about their followers on Instagram (except for one guy, who got called out). They were genuinely doing the experiment, ready for a long-term commitment.

I don’t know if I would have found this season so compelling if I hadn’t watched 6 seasons of US-based trainwrecks. I got so tired of the drama. The fighting. The over-the-topness. It bored me to the point of watching at 1.5 speed.

Why did I even watch, you may ask?

Because I love a love story. I want to believe in love. And I want to know I’m not the only one struggling.

Watching 6 couples fall in love (not to mention 5 others that got engaged off camera) gave me some new understanding.

  1. We’re not done with drama until we’re really done. It’s ok to be messy and to enjoy the drama of it all for a little while. And don’t judge yourself from that. It's ok if you’re in the phase of your life where you love the bad boys over the nice guys. Or the late-night partying over snuggling in bed. Or the roller coaster highs and lows versus the steady state. It’s ok to want drama. The only time it’s not ok is if you really don’t like it and you don't want it. Doing one thing but expecting something different is insanity-making. Then it’s time to get honest about why am I continuing to choose drama?

  2. There IS another way. Maybe it’s the theater kid in me, but I thought drama was normal. I thought that some level of anxiety and hard work was the name of the game. I fought like crazy with my very first boyfriend, and it was kind of fun. Exhilarating, even. Turns out, that’s not normal for a lot of people! Sometimes we are fish and we don’t see the water we are swimming in. As I’ve done my own work to establish a new baseline, I want a lot of more peace, certainty, kindness, trust, and respect. Anxiety and drama are so much less attractive.

  3. Lots of people out there want what you want. Sometimes, we can get stuck in a cycle thinking that our ex is the only one who can meet our needs. The only person who will “get” you. What the UK version illustrates (and without excessive drama) is that love isn’t enough. You can love someone deeply, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll make great lifetime partners. It’s ok to hold out for that person that you love and can picture an entire life with.

  4. Relationships are also an assignment in self-love. Yes, a relationship is learning about being in a partnership with someone else. But it’s also a mirror to see yourself. And I do believe that we can only accept love to the depth with which we love ourselves. Sometimes we deepen that by seeing the love someone else has for us. Sometimes we learn to deepen our self love by learning to stand up for what we’ll no longer tolerate. A relationship is a mirror to yourself.

If you enjoy the drama, then own that! If you want to keep focusing on your past, then do that!

My greatest wish for you is that you treat yourself as the expert of your life. No expert can tell you how you should live your life.

But if you’re feeling stuck and don’t know how to change your life so that you get more of what you want, I’m here to help.

Are you ready to get over your past drama and find a new path forward? I can be your guide. I’m happy to explore how I can help on a free phone call. Book yours here: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=13002720&appointmentType=2184078

The advice I give to my bravest clients

No contact doesn’t guarantee you’ll get over your ex.

I went contact with all my exes. But that didn’t stop me from thinking about them all the time.

No contact is a tool. But it won’t build the whole house for you.

The key to getting over someone is to stop thinking about them. Start thinking more about yourself.

This requires you to break some habits. In a relationship, you’re so used to thinking about the other person. So you have all these habits to be thinking about that other person.

But the breakup interrupted the pattern. Thinking about them isn’t your responsibility anymore.

You are only responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your healing and well-being. And if you don’t do it, no one else will.

Instead of trying to understand your ex, you need to focus on yourself.

I’ll be honest: It’s harder to look at yourself than it is to look at someone else. That’s why most people won’t do it.

But you’re here because you’re a warrior for your own life. You care about having the best, most fulfilled life. People like us have the courage to look at ourselves. And we take responsibility for ourselves .

We take care of our well-being. We learn to master our mind because we know we are not our thoughts. We choose our thoughts.

This is brave work, my friends. You deserve some recognition for what you’re doing. And I applaud you.

It doesn’t matter if you go no contact or not. What matters is taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.


If you want support to master your mind and detach from your ex, book a free consultation call to see how coaching can help. You can book your free call here.

Ancient Wisdom + Practical Tools = Deep Transformation

A breakup can feel like your life was shattered beyond recognition. When life is in pieces, how do you begin to put things back together?


Allow me to introduce the Japanese art of kintsugi. Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery using lacquer mixed with gold. Not only does the pottery become a work of art, it actually heals stronger than before.


This applies to your life, too.


Except the gold in this case are your beliefs.


Most of us have a negative thinking bias. We believe the worst. We fear the worst.


The conversation in your head might go like this, “This is terrifying. I’m scared of the future, I don’t know what this is going to look like. I’ve had bad luck in the past, I’ve made so many bad choices. Whatever is coming next is probably going to end badly no matter what I do.”


What you deserve is a chance to create a future after you’ve healed with gold.


Healing with gold involves:

  • Building trust in yourself so you have your own back no matter what happens.

  • Managing your emotions so you aren’t scared of feeling angry, sad, lonely, or heartbroken. You know you’ll be ok.

  • Having better criteria for evaluating and making decisions so you stop choosing from old patterns and choose from alignment with your values.

  • Normalize feeling good instead of self-sabotaging when things get too good.


What might be possible for you if you start adding gold to your life? What impact would that have on your future?


Sit with that for a moment and think about it. It probably looks different from what you’ve seen so far in your life. And maybe that’s exciting (and a tad bit scary!).


You don’t have to go through that alone. If you’re looking for support while you put the piece together, book a free consultation to see if coaching is the right next step for you. You can book your free call here.

How to Find Light in the Darkness

Faith in the darkness

I was sobbing on the floor, asking God for clarity.

I was not composed. It was not a pretty moment. I was desperate.

I had tried everything to make my relationship work. We did couples therapy, date nights, vacations, deep conversations. 

I hit the point when I needed clarity. So I hit my knees and asked God for help. “If you’re listening, God, I want clarity. If this relationship is where I’m meant to be and where I’m meant to grow, then make that clear. And if this isn’t where I’m meant to be, make that clear. Thank you.”

At that moment, I gave up controlling it. I let go of my need to be the one that figured it all out. I had faith in the unknown, faith in something larger than me. I surrendered my control.

And a couple of hours later, my then boyfriend said to me, “We need to talk.” And he ended the relationship.

Despite feeling devastated and heartbroken, a part of me knew I got what I asked for. I received clarity and I was going to trust that this was what was best for me.

I have had a rocky relationship with faith. I grew up Catholic and was an obedient girl going to church every weekly like I was supposed to. I followed the rules and tried to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

At some point, I started to question all that. I wasn’t sure the structure of the Catholic church was serving me. And I started to call myself “spiritual.” But it lacked any structure to my connection with the Divine.

But that moment changed me. I let go and let God, as they say, and began to rebuild my faith. I felt supported by something larger than me. I had a direct experience with asking and receiving an answer. It was beyond my logical comprehension. I could have called it coincidence. But where's the magic in coincidence? And I love dabbling in the magic and the Divine.

Faith is having “complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” (according to the Oxford dictionary)

You can have faith in the Divine. You can have faith in yourself. You can have faith in love.

When I feel lost, I turn to love. Love is the only thing in this universe that is infinite. When I let go of control, I surrender into more love.

It’s not always easy. It’s often painful and I try to pry open my grip on control. In our darkest moments, it only takes one spark of light to banish the darkness.

As we approach the winter solstice (the darkest night of the year), I invite you to turn towards love and open up to faith. Faith provides light in the darkness.  But we never talk about what the darkness provides. 

Our moments of darkness can provide the opportunity for rest and reflection. It can bring to light the things that are no longer working that we want to change. 

As we approach the darkest day of the year, may I invite you to find the opportunity in it? 

Find your faith. Find your moment to reflect or rest.

We take this moment so we start the new year fresh. I have a process I use every year so that I create with intention in the new year without the baggage from the old. 

If 2023 was a stinker, don't take the dirty diaper with you into a shiny, fresh new year. And if you have been saying "someday" every time you think of your dreams, maybe it's time to make it real. Wouldn't it be nice for "someday" to be today?

It doesn't happen by accident. It happens when you clear space and make a plan. 

Nothing is too big or too small for your desires. There is no order in miracles. They are all possible. 

I'm leading a free workshop on January 11 at 7pm. In this workshop I will guide you through my process of processing and letting go of the past. And then we will dream of what you want for the future and plan to make it a reality. (all while leaving some room for magic)

More details will come soon. I hope you'll take this opportunity to build faith in yourself. Let go of your past and seize your future.

Sending you so much love,

Sarah

Ever Feel Disposable in Your Own Life?

You are a treasure and deserve to be treated that way

Someone recently shared that she felt disposable because her ex was dating again. 

I am shocked at how often people call themselves disposable because their ex has moved on. 

I remember feeling this way. Feeling torn apart because my ex appeared to have moved on. I would get myself so twisted in knots trying to figure out what that meant about me.

This is so common I wanted to spend some time shedding light on another way to look at this.

This is what I call a thought error. When the programming in your internal computer (aka your brain) goes faulty. You assume other people's actions are a reflection on you. Sound the alarm bells! Major thought error right there.

You know how I know it’s an error? Because it doesn't make sense if you look at it all the way through.

Why would someone else’s behavior mean anything else about you? In your own mind, you assume you are way more important in other people’s minds. 

Most people are not factoring you into the equation when they take action. They usually aren’t doing something to make it mean something about you. They’re doing the thing because they want to. Because they are trying to feel more pleasure in their life and avoid feeling pain. Nothing more complicated than that. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

And let’s look at it from another angle. Let's assume this person did throw you away and they did think you were disposable. 

Ick. I don’t want to be with someone that treats me like trash. Why spend any more time thinking about someone that thinks about me in that way. They are not worth any space in my mind at all. I have no capacity for people who do not hold me in the highest regard.

And the saying is true - one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

We spend so much time and effort on trying to convince the person to see us as a treasure. And as we waste all that energy, there is someone else out there who already sees us as a treasure. But we’re not available for that! We’re focused on convincing the trash guy! 

What if you didn’t have to convince anyone that you’re a treasure? 

What if the people who will treasure you will see you that way regardless. And the people who see you as trash will see you that way no matter what you do. 

It’s time to put your focus on the treasure people, not the trash people.

Detach from your closeness to the situation and re-read your post as if your best friend wrote it. What advice would you give them? Would you want your best friend giving their tender heart to someone that treats it so casually?

You are also allowed to someone and say "I'm not ok with allowing this behavior in my life." You can love someone and let them go. You get to decide who has earned the right to be in your life. Just because you love them does not mean they get an all access pass. You can love them and decide you need more than what they are able to give.

You have control over who is in your life. Start looking at who actually deserves to be there. Spend more time treating yourself like a treasure. Surround yourself with people who treat you like a treasure. Do this more and more and you won't have any room for people who treat you like trash. 

PS. I was recently interviewed on a new podcast that discusses women’s issues, especially our monthly cycles and how it impacts our life. I share the story of my first cycle and all the shame I carried around it. It was so EMPOWERING to talk about this part of my life because I’m working on being more compassionate with myself. This was a big step forward. Download and listen to my story here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/embracing-flow/id1717662971


And if you subscribe you will hear my full episode in a few weeks where we talk about change cycles that we ALL go through in life.

Are You Being Foolish Selfish or Wise Selfish?

A lesson on selfishness from the Dalai Lama

What is your relationship to being called selfish? In my house growing up, this was one of the worst possible insults.

When I first started my journey in personal growth, my self-care routine started really small. Meditating for 5 minutes. Or going for a walk. Now, I luxuriate in my mornings and have a routine of meditating, journaling, reading, and exercise. I wake up early so I don’t have to rush through it.

I prioritize taking care of myself because I’m more patient throughout the day and I’m more available for others.

I always get hesitation from my clients when I tell them I want them to think of themselves more. They’re worried this will make them selfish.

They’re worried because my clients tend to have lots of experience with takers in this world. People who have a mentality to take as much as possible. And my clients are often the over-givers and people-pleasers. When a taker meets and over-giver, one person ends up satisfied. The other ends up exhausted and resentful.

They worry that if they start putting themselves first they will turn into a taker.

The Dalai Lama described it as Foolish Selfish versus Wise Selfish.

Foolish selfish means you focus on yourself at the expense of others. Your self focus does not consider how it affects and impacts other people. You may even be a bully to them to get your way.

Wise selfish is taking care of yourself first so you may be of service to others.

We must be selfish first. We must take care of our own needs. We are responsible for our own self care.

Sometimes we try to explain this as not being selfish. But actually, that’s not true. It is selfish. But I like the Dalai Lama describing it as wise selfish.

And doesn’t that feel much better to call yourself a wise selfish person and not a foolish selfish?

You can’t serve others when your own cup is empty. When you prioritize filling up your cup first, you have more to give.

Be wise selfish today.

Calling All My Power Back to Me Now


You don’t realize how much energy you put into walking on eggshells until you stop doing it. 


My ex had a lot going on with his physical and mental health. Which was a perfect storm for a recovering overfunctioning codependent such as myself. I spent so much of my time talking to him about his issues and dissecting every little thing with him. And if we weren’t talking about his issues, I was worried about triggering them so I tried to take up as little space as possible around the house. 


What’s a recovering overfunctioning codependent, you may wonder. I am so glad you asked.


A codependent, as defined by my mentor Terri Cole, is a person who is overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes, and the circumstances of the people in their life to the detriment of their own inner peace and well-being. 


An over-functioning codependent refers to the particular breed who does all the things for the other person, carries all the burdens, and does everything they can to care, nurture, or ease the way for the other person. This is usually a woman, because we’ve been socialized to be like this, who is kicking ass and taking names at work. The person everyone thinks is such a catch. But she’s dating the couch potato who can’t hold down a good job and spends his weekends playing video games with his friends. All of her friends wonder why she’s with him or if he’s just really good in bed. 


She’s with him because he’s playing an important role in her life. It’s giving her just enough love and validation that she feels a little bit less alone, a little less empty when she’s with him. It’s only just barely enough because if she let herself be really honest she would tell you she’s not really feeling satisfied in her life. She feels like there’s something more. Or that she’s holding something back. But she’s scared if she expresses all of her that she’ll be unlovable and alone for all time. 


This is why a breakup can be devastating to an over-functioning codependent. She’s lost her source of love and validation. It can be crippling. Trust me, I know, I lived it for a long time. 


However, there is hope. I now consider myself to be in recovery and my recent breakup from my ex with all the various ailments allowed me to realize something. I realized how much of my power I was giving to him. I realized I am way more powerful that I was willing to recognize before. 


So instead of letting him have my power so he can heal, I’m calling it all back to me now. I think about power cords extending from my mind, my heart, and my hoo-ha (as Emily Fletcher likes to refer to our sexual organs). I imagine unplugging each one from my ex. He no longer has a power supply from this source any more. And I wind up each cord and let it come back into myself. Maybe I even plug it into myself so I can charge up. 


I call back the power I was putting out. I intend to use this towards my healing and towards my growth. I need this power in order to mourn what was lost and to find the courage to look for opportunities for myself. 


The power was mine. I freely gave it and now I am redirecting it back to myself. Where I most need it right now.


Make More Room for Fun... Even in Training for a Marathon

Several years ago I ran my first marathon. I took my training seriously. I showed up for every group run, I did my speed workouts, and strength training. I worked really hard.

I was worried that if I didn’t do all my training that I wouldn’t be ready. I figured that I needed to follow the structured training to a T to finish the marathon. In my head, a marathon was serious stuff, so I better be serious about all my training. 

I worked SO hard. And on the day of the race, I executed my plan flawlessly. I impressed my friends and family with how strong I looked and how well I did. 

Recently, I ran a 6 mile race and a 10 mile race with minimal training. I promised myself that I could go as slow as I needed to but my goal was to smile and have fun the whole way. 

As nervous as I was about doing something hard without training, I ended up having a lot more fun. I said thank you to all the officers that worked along the route. I smiled. I sang along to my music. 

And guess what? I ended up finishing the 6 miles. And I had a lot more fun this time around.

Don’t get me wrong. That marathon was difficult and it was serious stuff. And you definitely need to train. 

But the way I approached training was rigid. I tightly gripped to the plan and I squeezed out most of the fun. Now when I run, I am prioritizing fun and my health. To me, movement is medicine and running celebrates my body and my strength. 

When I imagine my best life, I see a life that involves challenging myself to do hard things, like run a marathon. AND having a lot of fun. 

Life is meant to have fun and joy entwined with the hard stuff. We weren’t meant to take it all so seriously all the time.

Where are you gripping so hard that there is no room for fun? Or play? Or creativity?

When you think of your best life, I bet you don’t think about struggles or seriousness or exhausting work. Let me invite you to look at the areas where you’re focused on those things. Where can you relax a little bit to allow some more space? 

(I know that the worst thing to ever say to someone is “Relax!” because the response is usually “Don’t tell me to f’ing relax!” Been there. On both sides. I’m inviting you to stop making things even harder than they need to be. There is enough hard stuff in life already baked in. Don’t add more on top.)

I have helped many women to loosen their grip on life and start allowing more fun. When they’re having more fun, they start taking some risks. And then they start seeing their life change and they find their dream job, their ideal partner, or deepen their gratitude for all they already have. 

I’m interested in finding 6 women who was to do this kind of deep work - in person.I’m planning my first ever retreat for women who want to transform.

Deep within you, you know you are meant for more. You want to unleash and reclaim your power. You want clarity about what’s next. 

But you don’t know how to take the next step. 

If this sounds like you, email me at hello@sarahcurnoles.com and let me know. I’ll send you all the details and you’ll get first dibs before this is on sale publicly.

Will I see you rebooting your life at the retreat??


Courage Over Clarity

A few months ago, I paused these newsletters. I was healing from my own breakup and I wanted to get clear on my message.

I am feeling more ready to start writing again. And as I was sitting with this idea, this came through as something that needed to be written and sent immediately. So, I don’t know who needs to hear this today and I'm sending this for that person.

Courage, dear heart...

One of the most difficult parts of a breakup is losing clarity about what you think your future would look like.

One day, you’re planning what it will look like with this person one year, five years, fifty tears into the future.

And then, after the breakup it feels like you lose so much- your lover, your friend, your future. The future is no longer clear like you thought it was.

And to be completely truthful here, the future is never clear. Even when we think it is. The future is never a guarantee because we have no idea what will happen.

It would be more accurate to say- The illusion of clarity is gone.

And, shit, that’s scary.

Human beings hate uncertainty. There is nothing scarier than not knowing.

After a breakup, we lose clarity but we can choose courage.

The loss of clarity makes the space for you to take responsibility. It’s an invitation to you that you can accept or not. You can embrace the change and choose to have courage about facing your future. Uncertainty and all.

Courage doesn’t always feel good. Clarity feels like curling up on with hot cocoa with a warm cozy blanket. And courage feels like a giant bucket of ice water dumped on your head.

But it’s your wake up call.

You might be shivering, but now you’re awake. You can focus and choose what’s next.

Embrace courage even though it’s scary. Let go of the need for clarity. To summarize Martin Luther king jr. Take the next step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase.

Courage is one step at a time. Summon your courage. Wear it like a badge. You are now awake and taking control of your future.

No more autopilot.

Courage, dear heart.