Here's How to Deal with Negative Emotion

Last week I shared that we have to embrace the complexities of life, such as feeling both joy and pain at the same time. It’s all a part of being alive.

Also a part of being alive is learning how to handle and be with the emotions we would rather avoid. Being able to handle all your own emotions and take responsibility for them is being an adult.

Part of being an adult is being able to handle all the emotions in the human experience.

Human beings try to avoid feeling negative emotion (such as sadness, anger, heartbreak or shame). We don’t like feeling that uncomfortable. Sometimes it can even physically hurt. To try to avoid those feelings, we buffer our emotions. Common buffering activities would be eating, drinking or binge watching Netflix.

But buffering doesn’t make the feeling go away. It prevents us from growing, and we miss the opportunity to live a full life.

When we experience emotions like anger or sadness, it is an invitation. These emotions are giving you new access to understanding yourself. Let yourself feel how you are feeling, you can even let yourself fall apart. Do not skip this part! It’s ok to feel, and the way you feel is valid. The goal of this is to let yourself feel through the emotion and let it pass. You don't have to take any action yet.

Once you get to the other side of feeling, here is your opportunity. There will be a spark ignited within you. You can check in with yourself and understand what caused the emotion and what you want to do about it.

Anytime you have a negative emotion, the good news is that it is only an emotion. An emotion is merely a vibration in your body. And no matter how unpleasant that vibration may feel, you are stronger than that and it will pass.

When you know you are stronger than any emotion, you open up to deeper self-knowledge. You discover more self-love and inner strength. Which leads to more confidence to do the important things in life - like speak up, share your gifts, ask for a raise, get the love you want.

This may sound simple, but it isn’t always easy. There's a reason why you've been trying to avoid your feelings! And you're not alone.

Having a coach give you a compassionate witness to your experience. A coach brings perspective and compassion to allow you to move through your feelings. They listen deeply and invite you to learn more about yourself and your inner strength.

If you’re ready to explore how a coach can help you up level your life, let’s talk. Book your free consultation call here https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=13002720

How to Allow Joy During Tough Times

I was only 14 when my dad died. Instead of sitting in biology class, I was with my family in a funeral parlor sharing memories about my dad’s life.

Sitting next to my sister and my cousins, I felt overwhelmed with sadness. And then my cousins did what they do really well. They shared a silly memory of my mom and dad from a holiday gathering and we all couldn’t help but giggle.

It was such a weird feeling. To be at such a low point but also to be laughing. It was confusing but it felt right.

I’ve been thinking about that conflicting duality a lot lately. How can we be feeling such grief and also feel joyful at the same time?

That is how life goes. A good life isn’t only happy. A good life experiences all the emotions - grief, anger, joy, fear, wonder, and more. We cannot avoid the so-called negative feelings without also eliminating the good ones. (Side note: I don’t believe there are any negative emotions, but that is a topic for a different newsletter.)

When we try to numb out the negative feelings because we don’t want to feel them, we also dull our experience of joy. We cannot selectively get rid of feelings.

And on the flip side, how can we allow ourselves to feel joy when we’re also in pain? It almost feels like a betrayal to allow joy when we’re hurting, so how to we let in the good?

Joy isn’t a betrayal, it’s a celebration of being alive. And being alive is about experiencing all the feelings. We can celebrate that we’re alive even when we’re going through something hard. We can be grateful for being able to be here and knowing that we have things that we care about.

And sometimes, when we experience joy when we’re in a tough time, it can feel even greater than normal.

We don’t have to hold onto anything so tightly that we can’t allow other feelings to come in. Holding onto anger, despair, or sadness will only create more of those feelings. Imagine holding your feelings in your hand and squeezing your fingers closed into a fist. When you are gripping with your fingers closed, you are blocking anything else from coming in.

But, if you were to relax your hand and open your fingers, you allow your current emotions to flow through. Not only can those feelings flow, but new ones can come in. The grief or anger may come back in waves along with other feelings, or it may morph into something else. But please do not block yourself from feeling everything that life has to offer.

If you were to allow it, and not resist it, what can you open yourself up to? What can you accept into your life and experience? How can it be a continued celebration of this one and precious life that you are living?

I’d love to hear how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. Feel free to hit reply and share your thoughts with me. And if you have someone in your life that needs to hear this message, would you do me a favor and forward this to them? We will get through through this together; you do not have to go through it alone.

The Question That Changed My Life

I hired my first life coach after a breakup. I felt like something was off in my life. I met with Kathryn for over a year as we talked through different challenges.

At one point, we were talking about my personal goals and aspirations. I mused it would be cool if I could be a coach like her, but I could never do that. She seemed so natural at it, and I didn’t have a natural gift. Besides, I was always busy and I’d never have the time. And I wasn’t great as a personal trainer so I bet I'd fail as a coach.

I had reason after reason why I couldn't do this.

Then my coach asked The Big Question: “But what if you can?”

I had never thought of that before. I had so many reasons why I couldn’t and it was like a door opened and a whoosh of new thoughts and ideas came pouring in.

I thought of what it would mean to me if I could do it. I could make an impact in people’s lives. I could make a living doing something I loved. I could inspire myself to grow. I could have a lot of fun.

And that one question switched my brain from impossible to maybe it’s possible. It switched my thinking from “I can’t” to “how could I?”

Our brain’s default mode is to keep us safe. And safe means never taking any risks. The first answer to everything is “I can’t.” Because your brain’s job is to make sure you stay alive. Anything perceived as a risk seems too risky to the brain.

But when we never risk anything, we stay in our small bubble. We never see how great life can be. We never grow from challenges or expand beyond where we are right now. And that’s fine, if you never want any more than what you have right now.

But if you want more money, better health, or better relationships there will be risk involved. You will have to grow beyond where you are right now.

Even though your voice of fear might be saying “I can’t”, what could it look like if “I could”? Give your dreams some air and explore what it would be like if you could.

I would love to hear about your dreams. Hit reply and share them with me.

Better yet, hit forward and send this to a friend who needs a little extra inspiration. Share the love and inspiration and let’s explore together what could be possible.

How to Start Doing Hard Things

Like many people over the pandemic, I discovered the Peloton app. I know, I was late to the Peloton game. But now I get it. #WYKYK! (“When you know, you know”)

Even though I love fitness, I had a hard time motivating myself to stick to a routine during the pandemic. When I discovered the Peloton app, I felt like I found a gold mine. I found accountability and motivation in their challenging programs and peppy coaches.

As I hit play on my workout, even on the days I don’t feel like it, the coach reminds me “the hardest part is done.”

At first this was confusing. “What do you mean the hardest part is done, I haven’t even started working out! I know some hard stuff is about to happen!” But the hardest part is actually showing up. Once you’re there, you’re committed to what will happen and you will handle whatever comes your way.

The hardest part is showing up.

Think about how much emotional and mental drama you have about any challenge you’re facing. The chatter in your brain saying “You can’t do this.” “It’s too hard.” “Why bother? There are other things you could do with your time.”

But have you ever noticed that it all seems to go away once you started? That mental and emotional drama seems to stop once you start doing the thing. Funny, isn’t it? You think it’s going to be so hard to do the thing, but the most resistance and the most difficulty is in getting started.

Now you know that the hardest part isn’t doing the thing, it’s showing up. So, how do you actually do it? Next time you have something you want to do that seems a bit difficult, take a couple minutes and apply these steps:

Step 1. Bring awareness to your resistance. Notice that it’s happening. See if you can eavesdrop on your thoughts and be like an investigative reporter. You don’t have to do anything with them, you just have to notice them.

Step 2. Remind yourself why you want to do the thing. Why are you even trying to do something difficult? Are you working towards a goal? Are you strengthening a relationship, improving your career, building new skills? Ask yourself why it matters (and you know it matters because you wouldn’t make a big deal over it if it didn’t matter).

Step 3. Give yourself an out. Sometimes we start a hard thing and realize that today actually isn’t the day for it. And that’s ok. There are some days when I lace up my shoes and start to run and realize I don’t have it today. I try for five minutes and if I’m still not feeling it, I let myself walk instead. Sometimes it helps to give yourself an exit plan. Can you plan a pause for yourself, an alternative, the ability to say “Can we take a break here and come back to it later?”

Step 4. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to start?” and use that willingness to launch you into your first step. Hit play on the work out, hit send on the email, walk into the office for the meeting. start and trust yourself to handle what comes your way.

Now that you know all the secrets and how to get started, I challenge you to go out there and start. You opened this email and read all the way to the end for a reason. Let this be the nudge you need to do the damn thing.

Go get ‘em.

Rest Is Not One Size Fits All

Let me know if you can relate. Quite a few months back, I was so drained I set up my Sunday as a “#selfcareSunday”. I did a face mask, painted all my nails, and took a long bath with a stack of magazines. I sat in the tub until the water went cold, and I still felt raw. Like I had been checking boxes off of a to-do list titled “Self Care” but I wasn’t feeling any better. I didn’t know what to do to get myself back.

Have you ever felt so stressed that your normal stress-busting routines don’t work? Have you ever been so drained that it feels like you could sleep for a week and not even begin to get back to normal?

Given the way the world has been for the last few years, I bet understand where I’m coming from.

Self care is a practice that is much deeper than just getting a massage or taking a nice bath with candles. Somehow, something that was once a restorative practice has become an industry of people trying to sell you things to help you take care of yourself. But you really don’t have to spend any money. You need to tune into yourself, get curious about what you really need right now.

Self care is the practice of giving back to yourself to restore yourself back to a sense of balance. But because self care is all about YOU there is no one-sized-fits-all prescription for self care. But there is a general framework and suggestions that can help you know yourself better so you can take care of you.

Realize not all rest is the same. Get in touch with the kind of rest you need. What kind of stressed or tired are you? Here are some ideas of what you can do when things are really, really hard and you need to take care of yourself.

1. Start by taking care of your physical rest, since most people are not getting enough sleep each night and you may be in a sleep deficit. Take a nap, take a day off work and stay in bed and do nothing. Whatever you need to restore your sleep and rest. If you still feel tired down to your bones after getting some extra sleep, proceed to #2.

2. Adjust your diet to increase your water intake and increase your fruits, veggies and lean proteins. Increasing the nutrition you actually take into your body will nourish you physically. This is far better than dealing with stress with sweets, carbs, or alcohol. All of which may be tempting (I see you, Pinot Noir 👀…) But before you go there, I challenge you to think about nourishment first.
   

3. Turn off your phone and all screens. Give yourself a significant amount of time without screens or people demanding your time (especially people who aren’t even in your presence). A Netflix binge may seem restful, but it actually leads to feeling sluggish and still tired. Instead, read a book. Listen to music. Try some gentle movement like a walk, easy yoga, or stretching. Experiment with a hobby, like gardening.

4. Tune into your spiritual well-being. Spiritual does not have to mean religious. Your spirit refers to the non-physical part of you, it is your deepest, unchanging essence. It needs nourishment just like your body. Check in with yourself and try attending a church service, meditating, do something creative, journal or write yourself a gratitude note, get into nature. Sometimes, dancing can be rest if it restores your soul. Different people recharge their spirit differently, so experiment to find what is truly restorative.

All these different types of rest do something different to restore you. When I look back all those months ago, I completely neglected to do steps 2 and 3. I thought I just needed to physically rest and do the stuff people say I should do. But I had deeper deficits that needed my attention. Even though I didn’t know it then, I do know now and practice it regularly (daily if possible).

Now it’s your turn. Don’t just trust me, try me. Start with #1 and work your way through the list. Hit reply and let me know how it goes and how you feel afterwards.

4 Lessons From The Unimaginable Winner And The Steady Loser

Did you watch the Kentucky Derby last weekend? I did.

As I watched the horses warm up, I noticed the last horse Rich Strike in the lineup went by with barely any mention other than his unlikely 80-1 odds of winning.

I asked my boyfriend “If you had a horse with odds of winning at 80-1, would you pay the $50,000 entry fee?” (scroll to the end if you want to know what my answer was)

The owner of Rich Strike even assumed they would lose and told all his friends to enjoy the day without worry. They weren’t even supposed to be in the race, having entered the race merely 34 hours before the post time.

As the race was underway, unsurprisingly Rich Strike was in the back of the path,16 horses back from the front. This race was already being run at nearly a record-breaking starting speed. The horses at the back didn’t stand a chance.

But the jockey riding Rich Strike never stopped telling himself he could do it. Sonny Leon waited for his moment. When the opening came, he seized it with the skill of an experienced jockey on a horse he knew through and through.

After he was declared the winner, he told reporters that all the way to the end he told himself “I think I got this. I can win the Kentucky Derby.”

And on the other end of the spectrum, the world’s worst race horse Zippy Chippy recently died. He lost 100 races. He was so slow to start out of the gate, that he actually lost a race against a minor league baseball player.

Despite his losing record, he was deeply beloved.

Zippy Chippy raced because he loved it. He didn’t understand why everyone was always in such a rush; he was happy to be right where he was and do his own thing. His owner loved Zippy Chippy for who he was and didn’t try to force him to be something that he wasn’t.

Both of these horses taught me 4 invaluable lessons:

• Do what you love because you love it. Don’t do it for the wins. Do it for yourself.

• The losses aren’t worth worrying over, so you might as well enjoy yourself.

• Even when the odds are stacked against you, don’t give up.

• Don’t underestimate preparation and practice, just in case opportunity knocks.

They inspired me to reignite my blog and my business. I haven’t really stopped, just quietly practicing on the side. And here I am, hoping you’ll welcome me into your inbox.

Don’t be surprised if you see me rocket to the front of the pack. Or not. Maybe I’ll be over here stopping to smell the flowers. But whatever I do, I’m recommitting to doing what I love and doing it for the fun of it.

Who’s with me?

PS. I actually was arguing that I would NOT have entered the race with a $50,000 entry fee and 80-1 odds of winning. I would have lost out on winning $3million. And so I learned a 5th lesson: Bet on yourself. When you work hard and are doing your best, take the chances. You can’t possibly know the outcome.

PPS. Do you want someone to believe in you and push you beyond what you could have ever imagined possible and reach your wildest dreams? Someone teaching you how to handle the ups and the downs while eliminating stress and drama? Maybe it’s time for a life coach. Want to explore if we’re a good fit to work together? Book a free 60 minute consultation here.

How Will You Respond?

I want to share with you what’s on my heart today.

My day started with some really weird news, and it threw me for a loop. I started to spin out thinking of all the awful things that could possibly come from this twenty-word text. I watched my cheerfulness slide into sadness, despair and fear.

When I noticed the change in my mood, I had a choice. I could let that take over my Monday. Or I could do something different.

I chose to go for a walk. I put on a podcast by one of my favorite life coaches and I got exactly what I needed.

I literally got called out by name because of a review I wrote weeks ago. This life coach said I was one of her favorite people and seeing my name gave her joy.

I’m not saying that to brag, I’m saying that because I got called out and I got called up. That coach sees me, sees my gift and knows I have a lot of goodness to bring.

I am here to bring joy. I don’t have to fall into sadness and self-pity. There are people out there who know me well enough, look forward to hearing from me and need some joy.

Can I be real with you? I’ve been feeling sadness, despair, fear and self-pity for a while now. I have felt really lost and confused. I have been dealing with it with therapy and lots of self-coaching and long conversations with people who care about me.

I knew I didn’t like where I was but I didn’t know how to get what I wanted. Or even how to identify what I wanted. I just knew that this wasn’t it.

Today I realized how much I can bring right now. And I get to choose. And I choose joy.

“Life is a series of moments in time. Life is a series of now, after now, after now.” -Allyson Byrd

Right now, I want you to know that this feeling you may have right now isn’t permanent. You will get another now, and another, and another.

What do you want to feel right now?

Whatever it is, you can create it. One moment at a time.

If you are ready to claim how you want to feel and work towards what you want in life, maybe it’s time to explore a relationship with a coach. Having a coach changed my life, and if I am able to be that for someone else it is truly an honor. If you’re ready to explore that, please schedule a free 60 minute Discovery Call. Check it out here.

If a Caterpillar Can Do It, You Can Too

There is a caterpillar growing on a dill plant in the backyard.

Each day I get to play “Where’s Waldo” and locate where he has moved to. I have seen him eating and growing. 

This is really exciting for my roommate and I because a few weeks ago we had baby caterpillars all over the dill plant. And then we watched as hornets attacked and killed them. 

Neither of us were aware that hornets attacked caterpillars, but we watched the carnage happen right before our eyes. I will spare you the gory details, but it was the equivalent of a nature-based version of a “Saw” movie.

And yet, this is the cycle. Some caterpillars grow until they become big enough to turn to butterflies. And some die gruesome deaths. It’s all balanced by nature.

Caterpillars and butterflies are commonly used as metaphors for embracing change. We even used it in coach training to talk about the different phases of change. 

Phase 1 - the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and dissolves into goo. It must completely dissolve its physical form. For us humans, this is that point where you feel like you have been thrust into a change and everything feels awful. This could be a change you initiated like planning to get pregnant or did not choose like getting fired from your job.

Phase 2 - the caterpillar begins to restructure its molecules in preparation of becoming a butterfly. In our lives, this phase is when you begin to dream about what life will be like after this change. What do you want it to be like? 

Phase 3 - the caterpillar begins to change form into the butterfly. And it develops strength by pushing against the walls of the cocoon until it breaks through. Phase three is when you start doing the work towards your goals. It is hard work, often more difficult and time consuming than expected. And that’s ok! This is how you build strength. 

Phase 4 - the butterfly is out of the cocoon and is free to fly! In this part of the phase, you get to reap the rewards of all your hard work and efforts! Enjoy the ride! Keep asking yourself “How good can things get?”

As I reflected on my backyard caterpillar, I had to ask myself, “what phase covers the caterpillars who died?” 

In my opinion, it’s a hidden part of the cycle. I don’t think change goes perfectly through four phases. These mini deaths could happen at any time, pulling us back into phase one.

A mini death is when you experience a change and it brings a new awareness. Mini deaths are necessary to grow.

It’s not pleasant to experience a mini death. But you will be ok. You have done hard things before and you will survive uncomfortable things. We can do uncomfortable things. It’s all a part of the process. 

And the beauty is that it builds your strength and capacity. On the other side of change is an equal amount of loving kindness waiting for you to receive it. That is the gift awaiting you.

Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” 

This little caterpillar has come so far already. And think of all that is yet to come for him. 

Just like you and me. There is so much beauty and love yet to come.

Put Yourself Out There

Asking is Vulnerable. It's also Courageous.

Ever get the feeling like you’re not really happy with your current situation but you don’t know how to get the life you want?

Maybe you’re single and you’d rather be partnered up. Or you wish you made more at your job. Or you wish you worked in another industry all together.

You spend time fantasizing and then telling yourself what you can’t have. 

Maybe you spend your down time scrolling on social media and thinking how much better other people have it.

“It’s so easy for her. She’s got a great life. I wish my life was like that.”  ←Yeah, I know those thoughts. They sound eerily familiar.

There is a way to flip this to make it empowering and exciting for what is yet to come in your life. 

There is a reason you are feeling that itch of jealousy. Jealousy is just pointing you towards what your soul is longing for.

And nobody gets anything in this life without identifying what they want and then asking for it. 

• You want to make more money? Ask for the raise.

• You want a sweet lover? Join the dating app and make a profile that shines. 

• You want to roadtrip in an RV? Call for a rental quote. 

It’s really easy to sit at home and wallow in the things that you think could never be possible. It’s only impossible if you never ask for what you want. 

Yeah, it takes some courage to ask. I totally get that it’s scary. It’s vulnerable to say that you really want something. Because there is the possibility that you won’t get it.

It’s human nature to fear rejection. But that is not an excuse to never try. 

Nothing is certain in life. Even our past is interpreted by memory and thoughts, so even our past is not even certain. (ever talk about childhood memories with a sibling and realize you two have completely different stories about what happened?!?)

You have the ability to change the ending to your story. You can either be the person who went for it and tried. Or you’re not. 

Who do you think has a better chance at getting what they want?

Here is some Brené Brown to reflect on: 

 “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brené Brown

Ask for what you want. Be vulnerable enough to put yourself out there and risk having the life you dream of. 

You will be surprised at what comes back from your moment of courage. It doesn’t always look the way you thought it would. But there is always a response to courage. 

Have you asked for something recently? Have you put yourself out there in a vulnerable and courageous way? Hit reply and tell me all about it. I can't wait to cheer you on.

Stop Waiting to be Fearless

There is no such thing as fearless

These days, fear hangs heavy in the air as if it’s here to stay like Baltimore’s summer humidity. It seems to be everywhere even though you can’t see it.

I won’t say it’s a welcome companion, but it is here whether you like it or not. Like a pesky younger sibling on a roadtrip. Can’t they stop poking me and leave me alone to play my Game Boy in peace?!! 

But I digress. 

I hearing people say they are delaying their dreams because they are afraid now is not the right time.

They are afraid to start something new because of COVID. They worry that they can’t ask for money from people to support their new business idea. Or they are afraid to put themselves out there and date. 

“Someday,” they say. “When this is all over and the world returns to normal.”

When it comes to change, I learned that there is no returning to normal. And fear is a normal companion to change.

When we are faced with challenges, whether we choose the challenge or not, there is no going back. 

Just like Dorothy got swept up in the tornado even though she didn’t ask for it. She goes away to a magical world and finds her brains, heart, courage and sense of home. And even though she returns to Kansas, she does not come back the same woman. She is forever changed for the better, and she is a braver and truer version of herself.

Fear does not determine when we take action towards change. Sometimes you are thrust into change and you choose how to react.

Fear holds you in a tiny jail cell. Trapped. 

You can wait for fear to leave. And you will continue to sit and wait forever, because fear doesn't simply leave.

But you can leave. The good news is that the cell is not locked. You have all the power to decide to walk out of the cell.

When you make the decision to take a small action step, you take your power back.

Fear will follow you, but it never deserves to be in the power role. It makes a horrible leader. Because all it wants to do is sit and be a jail cell. 

We must learn how to take small action steps and take control of our lives knowing that fear will be around. But never in control. 

There is no such thing as fearless. Fear will always along for the ride, but we learn how to navigate life alongside fear.

It is ok to feel scared. It’s ok to notice that fear is nearby. 

It is not ok to give your power away. 

You are the decision maker of your own life. You choose to sit in a jail cell, or open the door and take a step out. 

What will you choose?

If you feel like you’re done with fear and ready to move, it's time to build a power team. Having supportive people around you to cheer you on will help you when times get tough. They remind you of your true power.

If you want a partner to help you to reach outside your comfort zone, a coach can be an important part of your team. 

If you want to explore coaching, book a free 60 minute call for us to talk about your goals and what’s holding you back. Answer the call to step out of fear, and get you free call here.