"No" Isn't a Failure

I think there is something about being a human that has us innately fear rejection. Maybe because it wounds our pride. Each of us handles rejection differently, and some people have no problem with it at all. But as a whole, I don’t think that most people like hearing “no.” 
 
The word no quickly starts to feel like failure. Whether you’re dating and you keep hearing no, or if you’re job searching without any luck, or whatever it may be. “No” quickly gets associated with “whatever you want isn’t happening.”
 
But I had a session with my excellent coach Sandi Amorim the other day and she reframed how I see no when she simply said “No is not failure. It’s just Next.” 
 
And, damn, that resonated deep in my soul.
 
Not only because this year I learned how to ask for what I wanted and willingly heard the word “no” over and over, but because at the beginning of this year I was single and didn’t take the word “no” as a bad thing. I actually saw it in a completely new way. Dating is actually the process of getting really good at sorting the good fits from the bad fits. 
 
“No” is not failure, it’s just a sorting tool? No is just “Next.” 
 
There are 7 billion people on this planet. Obviously, not everyone will be a fit. We need to be really good at sorting in order to get to the good ones quickly. We need to have a system in place to go “no next, no next, no next, yes that one, no next, no next…” 
 
If we look at dating as sorting, the question is no longer “How am I going to deal with rejection?” It’s now “How can I sort as quickly as possible to get to the best fitting options for me?” 
 
When it comes to sorting you need to efficiently eliminate the no’s. The criteria isn’t based on looks or a person’s job or education or their political affiliation. Instead, the key to quickly recognizing who is a good fit for some of your attention is quite simple:

1. Do I feel safe with this person?

2. Do I want to know more? 

 
Let me use an analogy. Being your long-term committed romantic partner is like getting in the VIP room at a very, very exclusive club. Like any good club, there is a bouncer outside with a velvet rope. And he is not letting just anyone in. In order to even step foot in the club they must pass the criteria that you feel safe around the person and you are curious to know more.
 
Once they are in the club, there other criteria to weed out who is worthy of a dance, who you’ll spend time with, and then ultimately who you invite to the VIP room. But that is for another blog post. 
 
If you have been dating and never even thought about asking these questions about safety and curiosity, you’re not alone. It is so basic, that we take it for granted. We just assume that if we’re attracted that we must also be safe and curious. It’s not true, unfortunately. And I know from personal experience that I overlooked the red flag of trustworthiness and I found out later that the person cheated on me. Deep down I knew there was something that wasn’t trustworthy, and eventually it proved to be true. 
 
We know very quickly if we feel like we can relax with a person. Do you feel yourself getting comfortable in their presence? You don’t need to divulge all your dirty laundry when you first start dating, but do they feel trustworthy? Do they keep their word with you and with others? Do they have close friends that rely on him/her? Do they do what they say they will do?
 
The second question about curiosity into who the other person is will serve you far better than if you are physically attracted. Yes, a certain level of attraction is needed for success in a romantic relationship but often this grows as you get to know a person. They become more attractive for all that they are, and this is not immediately visible. You do know immediately if you are curious about a person. Do you want to know more? Are you interested in his/her stories? Do you want to share things and explore things with this person? Does something keep drawing you back?
 
If your answer is no to both these questions, I would encourage you to say Next. It is really, really difficult to recover from no trust and no curiosity. No hard feelings, it’s really not even personal. It’s just not a fit. You can’t fake this and you can’t force it. 
 
Can you remember a time in the past when you did try to force it? Maybe you knew deep down that you didn’t quite feel safe with a guy or you really weren’t interested. But he was soooo cute, you went out with him anyway? Tell me the story! Hit reply and share. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Deal with Loneliness

Loneliness feels particularly challenging this time of year. It’s like happy people are being thrown in our face left and right. Everywhere you look there are images of happy families bonding and couples finding true love thanks to the miracle of Christmas. (If you just want to get to the point, I put it in bold at the bottom)

Not only do we feel bad because our holidays don’t look like that, but then we beat ourselves up for feeling lonely. You know what? It's ok to feel bad. Feeling bad is the start of feeling good. We need that contrast to recognize that something is off, and we need to take responsibility for fixing it. 

I learned this like I learn most things- the hard way. Two years ago I did a solo cross country road trip. I spent a lot of time just driving on the highway, listening to an audiobook. I slept alone. I ate meals alone. For a lot of people this sounds awful. I was worried it would be awful, so I told friends before I left that I might reach out if I get really lonely.

One Saturday afternoon when I was driving between Sacramento and San Francisco, I felt particularly lonely. I called family and friends but no one was available. I just left one voicemail after another. I thought it was a weird coincidence that no one was available and no one was calling me back. These were the people that told me to call anytime if I needed something. Why. Weren’t. They. There?!

I thought to myself, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” So if I don’t believe in coincidences, what was going on? What was the key to what was happening in this situation. I asked myself a simple question that often unlocks a lot of my personal challenges. “What is the good in this situation, what is there FOR me in this?”

Sometimes we get stuck thinking that things are happening to us and we have no control. This doesn’t feel very powerful to me, so I believe that things are happening FOR me not TO me. So if this frustrating situation is happening for my benefit, what's the benefit? 

When I got really honest, I realized I was trying to push the lonely away. I was trying to ignore it, hide it, run from it. I didn’t want to feel bad. So I was running to all kinds of distractions. And when I really sat with those feelings I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I needed to focus on myself and take care of my own needs instead of the needs of everyone else around me. I realized I had some patterns that weren't serving me and I was able to distract myself from my own problems by always being there for everyone else. 

I let myself really feel all of this. I let myself cry. I thought the answer to loneliness was other people. I thought it meant I needed better friendships or better surroundings. I can’t run from it, I can’t cover it up. What’s happening around me does not solve feelings of loneliness. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. You can be with other people and still feel lonely. 

The situation does not change the feeling. Only our thoughts can change how we’re feeling.

The only thing that stopped the feeling of loneliness was that I stopped judging it as such a terrible thing. I decided to make myself my own best company, and really enjoy the fact that I was alone. What could I do to make me feel good? What could I enjoy BECAUSE I was alone?

What I find really useful is to turn to my senses. What can I sense right now- see, hear, feel, taste, smell? This worked especially well in this situation, because senses are so individual. I could be with someone and we could have different sensory experiences. So I got to really enjoy my own sensory experience. I got myself a delicious coffee from my favorite place in San Francisco. I changed my socks (believe me, changing your socks or changing your underwear can turn an entire day around!). I drove myself to Monterey and listened to the seals barking.

Here is the point of all of this. If you only read one part of this email, this is it. Loneliness isn’t bad. You’re craving connection. That is incredibly human! All of us humans want to feel connected. And sometimes the person you most need to connect to is yourself.

Next time you feel lonely, instead of reaching out to someone else I encourage you to reach out to yourself. Connect to your five senses and notice what you are experiencing right now. What do you need right now? What good is here for you in this situation right now? (the answer might surprise you)

Now it’s your turn. I want to hear from you. Ask yourself right now “What do I need?” and tell me what you will do to provide that for yourself. How will you meet your own needs right now? Bonus points if you ask yourself what good is available to you right now and share that with me as well.

Go have a great day, and great holiday season. Embrace what comes, because it’s there for a reason.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Get Over Being Ghosted

I recently has a guy that ghosted me come back and apologize. Almost one year to the day after our last texting conversation, he wrote, “Hey - very random. But I wanted to apologize for ghosting on you. I feel like it was wrong and immature to do that... I wanted to say that I’m sorry for handling things like that.”

The funny thing was that I barely cared. Yeah, I was interested in this guy and where things could go, but when he dropped the ball I knew that wasn’t a good fit for me.

This was not always the case. I used to be the girl that would ask all her friends why he left. “What had I done wrong? Should I say something mean and snarky, or should I reach out nicely?”  Ghosting can mess with your mind big time. It can drive us to do crazy things to try to resolve and get closure.

But you already have all the closure you need. If you’ve been ghosted and you want to move on, here’s how.

Step One: Look at your imagination. Let’s be honest. You were really excited about the potential of the relationship, right? You probably had all kinds of ideas of what a relationship would be like. You had fantasies about the fun dates you’d go on, the lively conversation you’d have together, what it would be like for him to meet your friends, and so on. This is a lot in your imagination, isn’t it?

Get really honest with yourself and look at what was happening in your imagination. Were you doing a lot of projecting into the future? Were you projecting your feelings onto him and assuming they were being returned? Were you more excited about the idea of this person than the actual person?

It is ok to say yes. I did this SO often when I was dating. And I’m not alone in this. It’s pretty common. Because in my imagination, I can never get rejected. I can live out all my fantasies in a safe place in my head. It’s safe until I started expecting real life to be like my fantasies.

Step Two: Look at his behavior. People communicate loudly through their actions. How much was this person really investing in you?

If your relationship was a bank account, who was making the deposits? A deposit in a relationship bank account would be taking an interest in the other person, taking initiative to build intimacy, giving time and priority to the other person, and communicating. As intimacy builds, the partner will share more of himself/herself  including deeper thoughts and feelings as trust builds.

Take a look at the relationship when you were last ghosted. Who was taking these actions? Were you both equally taking these actions or was it more one-sided? Did intimacy build or did it stay static?

As a final part of the second step, I encourage you to look for the red flags that you (good-naturedly) ignored. I bet they’re there, but at the time you probably reasoned them away or waved them off thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” When I started living by this, everything changed.

Almost every ghosting story I’ve heard had red flags early on, but they were ignored and we hoped for the best (there we go investing in the potential and not the person again!). When we listen with curiosity we are able to listen intently with an open mind. It’s like we have one of those video puzzles that is revealing a larger image by showing one small piece at a time. If we stay curious and see each piece of information as revealing something about the larger whole person, then we can see clearly. But if we remain fixated on just one piece (like how handsome he is or the fact that he wants kids someday) then we don’t even see when the other pieces are revealed.

Here’s your challenge for this week. How can you listen with curiosity about another person? It doesn’t have to be a romantic interest, it could even be someone you talk to all the time. But I want you to listen to someone as if you are trying to solve a puzzle. Get to know all of them, not just one piece.

Tell me how it goes. What is different when you listen with curiosity? Tell me in the comments about how listening with curiosity changed the conversation.

Have you been ghosted? Tell me what happened, I want to hear the story. And if this article helped bring you some relief, what do you see differently now about the situation? Comment below and tell me all about it!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

No More Holiday Family Drama

Let me be clear that I really love my family. Many of them read this, and I am incredibly grateful that I have so much support. (Hi Mom!)

But it’s like Anna Karenina said, “...each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There is no such thing as a perfect family. “Unhappy” is pretty normal, actually. If your family is at all like mine, they know exactly how to push each other’s buttons and everyone has a set “role” to play. Holidays bring extra pressure and stress, plus extra unhealthy calories and booze. This is a recipe for drama.

And me, what role do I play? I adopted the role that it’s my job to take care of everyone’s well being by trying to make everything smooth and perfect. I overstep boundaries, butt my nose into places it wasn’t invited, and I defend people that didn’t ask for it. I can clearly remember being on vacation in Scotland and my sister was driving on the left side of the road for the first time. My mom and aunt were in the back seat offering advice, and doing their share of freaking out. I decided to put them in their place and told them to be quiet, to close their eyes, to leave my sister alone. My sister didn’t ask me to do this, and quickly shut all of us down. No one was helping, and it was stressing her out more.

I realized in that moment that I take on my mom and sister’s problems as if they are my own, and I make myself responsible for keeping them happy. When mom is freaking out, I think it’s my job to control it and make it better. When Mary is getting picked on, I try to set boundaries for her.

It’s exhausting. And it’s ineffective.

You probably have a very different family dynamic. I bet you have your own patterns that cause stress for you in your own life. And as we come up to the Thanksgiving holiday and the other winter holidays, I can feel stress levels rise around me. People are getting tense as they prepare for extended periods of time with the family they simultaneously love and hate.

I’ve pledged to myself to have a drama-free holiday. Here is the agreement I made with myself so I can do my best to keep calm.

• I pledge to stay on my side of the street. I will not offer unsolicited opinions and advice. I will ask if someone would like to hear my opinion before offering it, and I will not take offense if they say no.

• I pledge to take a break and walk away to get air when I need a time out. I will recognize signs of stress in my body (tight jaw and grinding teeth, uneven breathing, tight neck and shoulders, queasy stomach) and I will notice that as a sign to take a break.

• I pledge to ask for what I need and want. I will be aware of my need for space and quiet time, and ask for those moments when I need them. I will ask for the things that I want, without apology or guilt.

• I will not throw shame around. I will not yell. I will not participate in behavior that I already know makes others feel bad.

• I will not traingulate. (Triangulation is talking to a third party instead of talking directly to the person I have a problem with. For example, if I’m mad at my sister I could talk to my mom about the problem in hopes that my mom will bring it up to my sister.) I will practice direct communication.

• I will listen with an open mind and open heart. Just because my family holds different opinions from me does not mean they are automatically wrong.

This covers a lot of the behavior that I know has caused problems for my family in the past. What would you add to your list? Will you join me in pledging to have a drama-free holiday? Tell me in the comments below!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Warning: Learning Curves Ahead

I am excited to share some news! I created a position with my mentor- Terri Cole. I've been a student of Terri's for almost two years and an active member of her community. I recently noticed that her business seems to be growing and her interaction with her community has changed. I proposed that I create a role for her company and work as a Community Manager. 

I'm really excited about this opportunity because I will get the chance to continue to build my business while learning from a much larger business. Terri has been a therapist and coach for 20 years, and there is much to learn while I am also providing a more steady income from myself. Plus I get to work from home, so that's pretty awesome. 

As excited as I am about this role, the transition is a little rough. I'm learning how to set boundaries around my work time, and I'm learning how to keep myself accountable and productive when working from home. I'm learning to prioritize when literally everything seems to be a priority. And I'm creating structure for a role that didn't previously exist. 

Somedays I feel in over my head. Somedays I even feel a bit worthless. I am my own harshest critic and will often tell myself that I didn't do enough and I'm not pulling my weight. 

Because it is so uncomfortable right now, I'm finding a lot of lessons for myself. I wanted to share these because changes can take all kinds of forms (starting a new job, starting a new relationship, having a baby, etc), and even when it's exciting it can also be uncomfortable. Here's how I'm dealing with the discomfort and letting it guide my growth. 

As I navigate my learning curve, I recognize I'm adjusting to a new normal. It's going to require a little extra attention and awareness as I consciously choose what is important and what is worthy of effort. And everything feels like effort, at least for a little bit. Once things have settled and get into a groove I can go a bit more on autopilot. But right now I am forming new habits and systems, and any time this happens it requires a bit more extra energy. 

I'm learning how to give myself more compassion. I'm building in more ways to give myself extra love and moments to rest and recover. For me, extra self care means I paint my nails and go to bed early. I'm also being very intentional about setting work hours and making sure I take breaks to take walks. 

I'm also saying no a little bit more. I'm having to turn down some opportunities and be more selective with how I spend my free time. To be honest, my brain is often on my new job as I think about new processes to make things better. And when I spend time with friends I want to be fully present. I am spending a little more time alone as I recharge my batteries so I can spend real quality time with people that I care about. 

What about you? Do you have something new in your life that you are adjusting to? How are you handling it? And if you are in a rhythm with your life, how can you find a moment to show yourself compassion -simply because you're worth it. How can you show yourself some kindness or bring full presence to the moment you're in. I want to hear from you. Comment below and share your story. 

And I have more exciting news! Are you a single woman and frustrated with dating?

I started a Facebook group recently just for you! We are creating a home for women to share their dating stories while learning my best dating information. Each week I give a focus for discussion plus some occasional homework so you can start seeing success.You can join me here (or send women you know). 

PS. If join today you will get an invite for a free workshop I am hosting on Monday for members only. I will be teaching the skills of meeting people in public places and starting conversations. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

If you want the whole loaf stop tolerating bread crumbs

I recently had my car cleaned and my mind was blown. I realized I had been carrying around this underlying tension every time I got into my car and it wasn’t as clean as I wanted it to be. I was actually a little ashamed of it. I pushed away that tension and shame and said I had other things that were more important to worry about. I labelled it as a tiny problem, and one of privilege because I was lucky to even have a car.

But despite my best efforts I still beat myself up for not taking better care of my possessions. I told myself it would take too much time to clean my car. And when I did clean it, it took no time at all to go back to disappointing me.

Do you have anything in your life that you can relate to this? Something that just doesn’t meet your standards, despite your best efforts? Maybe it’s an overstuffed closet or your junk drawer. Or maybe you have a constant layer of grime in your shower tiles, and the thought of deep cleaning overwhelms you so much you don’t even start. 

I know. It feels really hopeless. Which then becomes a spiral of bad feelings. 

Having my car look brand new made me realize all the bad feelings I was pushing away. I was just tolerating. And I didn’t even know how much energy and effort it took to tolerate. I had to have the problem go away completely in order to realize it was pulling me down and draining my energy (and I spend a lot of time in my car, so this was actually a constant issue).  

That’s the thing about tolerating. When we put up with something we don’t really like, we actually end up wasting a lot of energy and we still never really get what we want. It takes a lot of energy to try to be okay with something that is not okay.And then we spend energy pretending we’re ok, ignoring the problem, hiding it from others and ourselves, and lying to ourselves. Tolerating is the same thing as settling. It’s saying you’re ok with eating bread crumbs instead of saying what you really want is the whole loaf of bread. 

I had always been an advocate for #wholeloaf living when it comes to dating. I used to accept the smallest gestures from the men I dated, and I was ok with it. I was making excuses because at least I was getting something, and something is better than nothing. Right? 

Crumbs are not going to satisfy your hunger, and tiny gestures in dating are not going to satisfy your heart. 

My very wise coach Sandi Amorim said recently, “Contrast leads to clarity. It’s in acknowledging what you don’t want that you realize what you do want. It’s valuable information for creating a new future.” 

I want to reframe these experiences for you. Next time you feel a pang of pain because something isn’t the way you want it to be, notice that pang. Don’t ignore it or push it away. It’s a signal that you want something that you don’t have. Sometimes we need to acknowledge that pain of the absence of the thing we want because that is how we identify that something is missing. We learn through contrast. We have to know what we don’t want in order to learn what we do want. 

Tolerating avoids the pain, but it doesn’t help us get what we want either. 

What are you willing to stop tolerating? Maybe you’re done with tolerating expired food in your fridge. Or maybe you’d done dating men that aren’t interested in marriage and kids someday. Stop tolerating. And it’s ok to allow the pain to come. It’s the first step to figure out what you really want. Let that propel you forward. 

Your turn. Tell me what you’re done tolerating. Hit reply and tell me what’s in your life that you will no longer tolerate. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

What would you do if you had 24 hours to live?

It didn't even occur to me to cry. 

Today's blog is coming to you early! When writer Alexandra Franzensent a challenge to write a list about what we would do if we found out we had 24 hours to live, all I could think about was love and celebration. As I wrote my list, I noticed some tears because I was feeling so much love for the people that I wanted to spend time with. 

I wrote my list in a stream of consciousness. I didn't have to think about it, I just pictured what I would want. And when I read it back, it struck me that half of my list was about love. 

It was Love that comes in all shapes, sizes and forms, but still, love was all over the page. I wanted to make sure I expressed to people how much love I have for them, even to the people that I only knew for a short period of time. 

I started to wonder about why we wait so long to tell people that we care. Why do we wait until something bad happens to say, "I love you, you're important to me." 

I don't have a good answer. Maybe we're afraid of being rejected because the other person doesn't feel the same. But does that really matter? If we feel love and we wish to express it and give it freely it does not matter what comes back. The flow of love is so pure that it does not require an exchange. If I feel love towards you, it is not conditional on whether or not you love me. I feel it, and that doesn't change if you don't feel it. 

So the idea of rejection doesn't work as an excuse to not express love.

Maybe we hold back expressing ourselves because we are afraid to get hurt. Saying our true feelings is very vulnerable. It's baring our naked soul and saying this is me, see me. There is no armor to protect, you now have access to something very soft and tender and you can do great harm if you choose. 

Maybe that's part of it. Vulnerability is scary. Especially for those of us when we've had our vulnerability used against us in the past. (And honestly, who hasn't?) It could be as simple as telling your best friend who you had a crush on and then she told someone who told your crush. Oh, the embarrassment! I think we all know what it's like to be completely vulnerable and someone takes advantage of the situation and it causes you great pain. 

But we have also had the moments of being seen when we are completely vulnerable. The moments when the armor comes down and we allow ourselves to be really seen by another person, and then we feel truly accepted maybe for the first time ever. That moment and that feeling is worth risking being hurt. It is the feeling of deepest connection. You could almost say it is a holy moment, a miracle. 

Maybe I would be willing to risk all this in my final 24 hours because how can anyone possibly hurt a dying girl? My time is limited already, so I might as well lay it all on the line! You can't hurt me anymore because I already know how this is going to end! 

What would it be like if we didn't wait? What if we told one person today how we really feel? What if we did one thing that we really wanted to do, no matter what anyone else thinks? What would be your thing? 

Part of Alex's challenge was to spark conversation. What would you do if you had 24 hours to live? And I'm sharing my list with you below, and I want to know what's on your list? Comment below and tell me. Or forward this email to someone and tell them how you feel. 

Sending you lots of love, and I mean it.

Sarah

PS. What would be on your list? 

PPS. If you’re looking for a new book to read, you can order Alex's new book So This Is the End here: http://bit.ly/so-this-is-the-end
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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Five Steps to Stop Beating Yourself Up

We sabotage ourselves in so many ways that we feel the barriers between us and true self love. And the biggest way we sabotage ourselves is through our thoughts. 
 
There’s a story I heard about the Dalai Lama and the idea of self-hatred. At a conference, an attendee asked His Holiness about the concept of self-hatred and how it plagues people who live in the West. The Dalai Lama was so confused by the concept that he went back and forth with his translator several times, trying to understand. He asked questions to the audience such as does everyone understand this and why would you do that? Eventually he concluded that he thought he understood the mind and now this concept was so foreign that he felt ignorant. 
 
My takeaway is that the concept of hating the self is conditioned, we are not born this way as a human. If we were, each human would be able to relate to it as a universal feeling. Universal feelings are those such as love, sadness, fear. If self-hatred was universal the Dalai Lama would know what it is.
 
Self-hatred takes many forms. Last week, I encouraged you to look at your self-talk and track your positive and negative comments to yourself. Negative self- talk is one of the most common ways we express dislike for ourselves. We beat ourselves up for making mistakes or not being enough. Anything that is learned can be unlearned. There is hope. 
 
Today I want to show you how to stop beating yourself up. Let’s take it step by step. Let’s say that you accidentally hit another car in the parking lot. 
 
Your self-talk might sound something like this, “I am such an idiot. I’m a terrible driver. I am such a mess-up. I’ve ruined my car, their car, and my entire day. This is just awful. How could I be such a garbage person?” 
 
The first step to stop beating yourself up is to:
1.Notice you’re doing it.
 
You can’t stop something if you don’t even know you’re doing it. You have to be aware enough of your thoughts to know what the soundtrack is. What thoughts are running around in your brain? (This is why I had you do the homework last week!) Take note of what they are. 
 
Your first reaction might be to beat yourself up for negative thoughts. This is just going to be a downward spiral. Instead of labeling the thoughts as bad, wrong, or even negative, I would encourage you to just notice. It looks like this: “I’m thinking the thought that…”
 
By labeling your thought as a thought, you create some distance. The next step is: 
 
2.Tell someone.
 
The power of your negative thinking lessens when you say it out loud to a compassionate witness. The key here is that is must be a compassionate witness. They are NOT going to solve the problem. Instruct this person that their only responsibility is to say something like “I hear you.” And it must be someone you trust and feel comfortable with. You’re going to tell the person that you’re beating yourself up and share the thoughts you’re thinking. If they can help you laugh at yourself, even better. 
 
You can do the next step with the person or you can do it alone. 
 
3.Find proof of the opposite. 
 
If you are thinking you’re a terrible person, how could the opposite be true? If you’re a terrible person, how could it be true that you’re not a terrible person? Is there one place in your life where you’re not terrible? All you need is one example to get yourself started and soon you will find two, then three, and more examples. By giving yourself examples of how the opposite is true, you begin to believe your thoughts less and they carry less weight. 
 
Next, you’re going to set your thinking for something more positive and you’re going to: 
 
4.Express gratitude.
 
I know gratitude has been the buzz word for a little while now, and it is because it works. Gratitude shifts your thinking. Maybe you are simply grateful that at least you have a car to be driving to and from your errands, even if you did make a mistake. Maybe you’re grateful for your capable body or eyesight that is able to drive. You’re grateful no one got hurt. Let yourself really feel the gratitude. It doesn’t count if you’re saying it from gritted teeth and you’re only doing it because I say so. Really feel thankful. 
 
And after gratitude we are going to alter your thinking a little bit with the final step.
 
5.Give yourself a replacement phrase and an anchor. 
 
What can you be thinking instead of your self-hatred thoughts? “I’m glad no one got hurt.” Find a new thought that is not going to make you feel awful. And I encourage you to give yourself a physical anchor so that it can trigger thinking the new thought. An anchor is something physical that you can see or touch that will be a physical reminder. The old way of thinking is a habit, and it takes some focused energy to replace a habit. It could be a piece of jewelry or something in your car that you see and touch like the gear shift. Whenever you see or touch your new anchor, say your new replacement thought. If you catch yourself beating yourself up, touch the anchor and say your new thought. 
 
This is a process, especially if you’ve been practicing some self hatred for a period of time. Just like we learned this, it can be unlearned. With practice, consciousness and discipline, it can change. 

Cracking the Confidence Code

I’m really interested in talking more about self-love these days. But that topic is so vague and so large that I really want to dissect it. What the heck is self-love anyway? Why does it matter? Why is it so cheesy? 
 
You know what they say: “To know me is to love me.” So I started to get to know myself better. I observed my reactions and throughs and behaviors. And the more I knew, the more self love I felt. And I noticed as my love for myself grew, my confidence also grew.

I think confidence is the outward expression of our own self love. Let's crack confidence wide open.
 
A lot of people that know me think I am a really confident person. And in a lot of ways, I am. But before I go into that too deeply, let’s look at the different types of confidence. 
 
There is the surface level or confidence which is derived from the things you HAVE. This is all about the clothes, cars, shoes, makeup, home… etc. It can go so far as to say that you can also include things like having children, lots of friends or a happy relationship in this category. It can be easy to get a boost in confidence from having these things, but it never lasts long. It’s not real, it’s just surface and therefore the good feelings are also very surface level.
 
The next level of confidence is derived from the things you DO. This is all about the things you do that get you praise. Straight As in school, working hard at your job and getting employee of the month, awards, praise, recognition. This stuff can feel really good because we usually work really hard for it. We as a society really value hard work and good work ethics, so naturally we derive some confidence from it. Again, this is all outside of ourselves and to an extent we can’t really control it. Praise can be unpredictable and can go away at a moment's notice. 

It also assumes that you have to do things to be of value. Which is simply not true. These things we do can give a boost of confidence from the things that we do, but it’s only going to be temporary. 
 
The deepest phase of confidence is from who we ARE. This is the phase where you can say to know me is to love me. When we know, accept, and love who we are we show up with natural confidence. We are naturally embracing all the parts of the self and we are ok with all of it. This kind of confidence is rock solid, because it requires nothing of anyone outside of the self. You are in complete control of this kind of confidence. This is how you know that no matter what you will be ok. Lose your job? Get dumped? Win the lottery and lose it all? It is all going to be OK because you know that deep down you have your own back. 

There is really nothing more important than this. Getting to a place where you feel rock solid in this third level of confidence is a journey that I believe each human being is called to take. I believe this is the core of having solid relationships with other people. 

This was the confidence I was lacking. I had a shaky belief in myself and I didn't really have my own back. I would bend over backwards to keep promises to others, but broke them with myself at a moment's notice. I didn't really know who I am as a person, what I bring to the table or what my shortcomings are. 

When we lack this level of self-confidence it seeps into other areas of our lives. Our relationships feel a little unsatisfying. Our job doesn't quite fit. It seems like there's something more. 
 
No one teaches this stuff. It isn’t learned in school or at home. We have to create our own life curriculum to learn it, and that’s why I think it is so important for me to be teaching it. I’m going to dive into the topic of confidence and self-love. I want to help you get what you need to have incredible success in relationships and life, and I think this is the key.  Will you join me? 
 
If you’re in, I have some homework for you. Because if you’ve worked with me, you know I loooooove homework. I want you to observe the way you talk to yourself for one day. Get a piece of paper and fold it in half long ways, and keep this handy all day. In one column I want you to tally any time you say something nice about yourself, like “I feel great,” “I’m thankful for…” “I look good,” or “That was a smart thing to say,” etc. You don’t have to keep track of what you say, just tally when you do it. In the other column I want you to make a tally for anything negative that you say to yourself, which might sound like, “That was a stupid thing to do,” “ugh, look at the way my stomach sticks out,” “I am always late to everything,” “I’m a failure,” etc. Just track your thoughts for one day and see which column has more tallies. I’ll be talking more about this next week. 

Lots of love! 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

The Disease to Please

Walking on eggshells. 

Holding back my true thoughts and feelings and slapping on a smile instead. 

Losing sleep over trying to craft the perfect thing to say.

These are some of the ways I have been a life-long people pleaser. I made it my duty to make other people happy, even if it was to my own detriment. I thought I was doing other people a favor because I thought the worst thing was to disappoint people.  

I made it my job to keep other people happy and I completely disregarded what I wanted. I was full of so much guilt or for messing up. Even worse was if I disappointed someone. Then I would feel resentment for the other person and towards myself for putting myself in a situation that didn’t make me feel happy. 

People pleasing is such a slippery slope. This is especially challenging for women because we are socialized and taught to please others. It is modeled for us by the elder women in our families. We see our mothers sacrificing for the good of the family time and again and it becomes ingrained that the definition of a good woman is one who gives everything to everyone else. And if someone takes time for themselves then they are selfish and that’s bad. Don’t even get me started with how our standards of beauty are all about being pleasing to another person’s eyes rather than what is pleasing to our own eye. The concept of beauty is rarely about what I think is beautiful and more about what other people will think is beautiful.

It’s tricky work to break out of the cycle of people pleasing. But the rewards are great.

When we stop people pleasing we stop manipulating others. Yeah, I said it. People pleasing is downright manipulative. Our efforts to control our environment and make others behave in certain ways is actually an effort to control and manipulate them. I bet your first instinct is to say that you’re trying to make other people happy, so that isn’t manipulative. But look at the sentence again. You’re trying to make other people feel a certain way. It’s robbing them of the ability to have their own natural feelings and reactions. Not only are you not being authentic because you’re trying to behave in a pleasing manner, but you’re subconsciously communicating that it’s not ok for other people to be authentic either.

When we stop people pleasing, we also increase our own confidence. When we start communicating what is true to our own self, it sends a message that your feelings and preferences matter which builds your self-esteem. To reclaim a phrase from the beauty industry, you deserve to speak your mind “Because YOU”RE WORTH IT.”

How does a person actually STOP people pleasing, you may ask?

Like with everything, it’s not going to magically change overnight. I encourage small shifts in one area, and then build from there. So, I encourage you to look at just one relationship where you notice a lot of people pleasing. Maybe it’s with your best friend when you’re always driving to her neck of the woods to hang out and you want her to come to you for once. Maybe it’s with your coworker who keeps giving you more and more work, even though you are drowning in stress. Maybe it’s your neighbor that keeps blowing his raked leaves into your yard and you never say anything. 

The first step is to notice when it happens. When are you acting in a way that you think will make others happy, but actually feels bad to you? At first, you’re only going to notice when it’s happened in the past. When you notice, it’s important to simply notice without any judgement of it being right or wrong. Simply say “oh look, I did that people-pleasing thing.” I like to imagine having a feather duster and just dusting the event lightly. It’s completely neutral. 

When you start to catch yourself in the moment acting in a way that is people-pleasing, give yourself a pause. Having a phrase handy, like “Can I think about it and get back to you?” is really helpful in this situation. You want to build in a moment to reflect and assess how you really feel, because you want to make a conscious choice away from the habit of pleasing others. 

When you come back to the other person, state your preference and say how you feel. Remember “No” is a complete sentence and it doesn’t need a reason. If it helps you, you can say “No but thank you for thinking of me,” or “This is a no for me at this time,” or “This isn’t a good fit for me and my needs.” You can also try phrasing like “Can I make a simple request?” and then you can state what it is that you need. 

Know that this might bring up some feelings of discomfort for you and for the other person, especially if they are used to you always saying yes. And feeling discomfort is OK! If you were lifting weights in the gym and it never felt hard, you’d never get stronger. This is you getting stronger, so discomfort is part of the process. And then let go of the other person’s reaction. Their feelings are not your responsibility, that responsibility belongs to the other person. You are only responsible for your own reactions. 

Now it’s your turn. What is one relationship you have where you have the Disease to Please? What is one thing you will do this week to shift the focus back to meeting your own needs? Share in the comments below or send me a message. I look forward to hearing from you! 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.