F*ck Perfectionism

Can I really say that?

There is a part of me that wants only to show the good stuff. That I won’t be loved or accepted if I make mistakes. And so, I hide. I show the happy photos on Instagram, I don’t talk about what my struggles are.

It’s too scary. 

It’s too scary to say out loud that I worry that this whole coaching thing won’t work. Or that I thought I had my finances all figured out, but I’m starting all over with that again and maybe I’m an idiot for having debt. And I’m terrified to talk about what it’s really like to be in my head while I’m trying to figure out how to be the perfect girlfriend. 

It’s really exhausting. It’s a lot of time spinning my wheels and not going anywhere. And instead of taking action, I spend my time worrying that I’ll never meet my goals or, even worse, that I’m not even worthy of the things I want. 

It is really scary to put myself out there in a way that is honest and authentic. It makes me want to cry, that’s how afraid I am. We as humans are really good at adapting ways to avoid feeling pain. And one of those ways is that we change who we are to fit in. 

I’m here to tell you that is a myth. (And even though I know it is a myth, I still believe it sometimes because #iamhuman.)

Perfectionism is a thief. Look at all those things that I spend my time worrying about. Love, acceptance, money, purpose, fulfillment. Perfectionism says that I don’t have these things because I’m not perfect enough yet. Perfectionism says, “You’re not perfect enough so you don’t have it. So be perfect and then you can have it.” The line that defines what perfect is, however, is a floating line that is always moving. It will always feel like I’m not there yet. And that is really bad logic.

The root of perfectionism is trying to control how you are seen by other people. Which is also impossible. One person may love you and another may hate you. If you are living for other people, which one is right? And how can you possibly control what other people think? (believe me, I have tried for many years to be exactly what I thought my romantic interest wanted me to be. It’s a waste of precious time. Unless you are trying to become a contortionist.)

So, if I show up and I’m real, with scars and mistakes and messes, what happens? I feel lighter because I’m not carrying the burden of playing a smoke and mirrors game. I can think more clearly because I’m not trying to think about what other people think of me and how I appear. I’m free. I’m free to focus on what is actually in my life and what I can control. 

It reminds me of the quote from The Velveteen Rabbit: “…Because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” 

And that resonates with me because when we let our real selves be seen by others we are loved. And the ones that don’t matter really don’t matter anymore because we are so filled with love for the ones that do matter. 

And at the end of the day What other people think about me is none of my business. My business is what I think about me.And that’s all that matters. 

Perfectionism drops away when we introduce compassion. Compassion looks like telling yourself that you’re doing the best you can. That you ARE good enough. That you accept and like your life as it is. It’s real. 

I’m done with living for other people. I’m here to be real even though it’s scary. I’m still going to post happy pictures online. But somedays I might ask for some help and support when things feel hard. I might share that something didn’t work out, that I failed, that I am struggling. And this is all ok. What matters the most is that I’m bringing my own compassion and taking care of myself and letting myself be completely seen. 

Your turn. What is your big takeaway today? What really resonated with you that you want to keep thinking for the rest of the week? Go to the comments and tell me or hope into Instagram or Facebook and share in the comments! And then tag a friend or forward this post if you think they could use some F*ck Perfectionism inspiration. 

Sending you lots of love.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

What's Your Brand of Badassery?

Badassery, as defined by Shonda Rhimes in her book A Year of Yes:
 “BADASSERY: 1. (noun) the practice of knowing one’s own accomplishments and gifts, accepting one’s own accomplishments and gifts and celebrating one’s own accomplishments and gifts; 2. (noun) the practice of living life with swagger : SWAGGER (noun or verb) a state of being that involves loving oneself, waking up “like this” and not giving a crap what anyone else thinks about you. Term first coined by William Shakespeare.” 
 
 
I remember the first time I was listening to Shonda Rhimes read her book A Year of Yes. It was one of my first purchases from Audible, and I used to listen while I walked the path alongside a creek where I lived. I remember her talking about badassery and I thought “I want some of that.”
 
I wanted some of that because I thought I didn’t have any. I thought I lacked all swagger and anything that had to do with badass-ness. 
 
I was at a low point for myself personally. I was working a job I liked, but didn’t love. I knew there was more out there for me, but I didn’t know what I wanted to be doing. I was in an on again-off again relationship and kept thinking that he was so great when we were together, but why was I so unsatisfied? Was this as good as it gets? 
 
I wanted to feel powerful. Like I could create things and scale mountains. I wanted to see other countries and places I’ve never been. I wanted to feel like I was in control of my life and I was creating what I wanted it to look like. I wanted to be the girl that DID things, ACCOMPLISHED things, loved deeply and was loved by others. I wanted so much more than what I was getting in my life. 
 
Instead I felt like I was just a plastic bag in the wind, blowing around American Beauty- style. I felt like I was aimless but I didn’t even know where I wanted to aim myself. So where do I even start, and what’s the point?


“If you don’t know where you’re going any road will get you there,” said the Caterpillar to Alice in Alice in Wonderland. I saw this as a death sentence. “I don’t want ANY road, I want the right road!”
 
If you’ve been in this place, you know there are a few ways out. You can make some choices that make things worse. You can sink into feeling bad and find things that numb the pain. Maybe you binge watch TV, you eat or drink too much, or you start experimenting with anything that brings you a hit of pleasure or a feeling of being ok. Busyness sometimes happens in this phase because doing a lot of things to distract yourself still feels like doing things! 
 
If you go down this road, it can be a while before you see a problem and get out. For me, I had things like “A Year of Yes” show up in my life and I kept having these feelings like I’m supposed to be doing more than just this. There was more than drinking a glass of wine every night and watching TV to ignore that I wasn’t feeling good. There was more to life. 
 
Yes, there is. 
 
And the clues to get out are found in the definition of badassery. Did you catch it?
 
It’s about knowing, accepting, and celebrating your accomplishments and gifts. Mary Oliver said “Instructions to live a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” 
 
And that’s what you do to get out of a funk. You need to start paying attention. What comes naturally to you? What do you enjoy? What makes you feel curious? Start doing those things more.
 
As you do those things, keep paying attention and allow yourself to be astonished. Not underwhelmed. Not humble. Not ignorant. Astonished. And then share that with others. Tell your loved ones. Tell the people you lead and manage. Tell your neighbors, your social media followers, who ever will listen.
 
When we share our joy we are celebrating our badassery. And in doing so you may inspire others to do the same. Your joy sparks someone else’s and gives them the permission to enjoy the joy. 
 
We need more people in their badassery. The world depends on it. Start with yourself today. I give you full permission to start paying attention in your own life to the things that feel good to you and then to do them more. 
 
Does it sound simple? Good. Then you have no excuses. It may not be easy, but that’s ok. We just need to follow the joy, and let it be simple. 
 
What comes up for you when I say that you should pay attention to what you’re good at? What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do you do with ease? 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Do you find it difficult to enjoy the good times?

You made it to Phase Four! It’s the end of the change cycle, and you made it to the butterfly phase. The last few weeks I’ve been talking about the challenges during the change cycle (you can catch up on past posts here). After all that hard work to get here, we just soar away into the sunset, right? 
 
But for most people, it doesn’t feel like soaring. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe it feels like massive disappointment or even a hangover. After so much struggle, arriving to the desired destination and celebrating that, we end up feeling exhausted and icky. I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I signed up for. 

If you feel this way after getting what you want, you're not alone. You're so not alone, there is a term for what's going on. It's called hitting your upper limit. You hit your limit for happiness and goodness. 
 
Gay Hendricks wrote in his book The Big Leap that your Upper Limit Problem is defined as “when you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success.” 
 
In other words, when you finally have the love, money, or success you’ve been working for, we create some kind of drama, ill health, unhappiness or some other block that gets in the way of truly enjoying the fruits of our labor. 
 
Feels like a cruel joke, doesn’t it? 
 
I rarely simply enjoy my good fortune. Something always has to be wrong. 
 
Hendricks believes this happens because there is an internal struggle of worthiness inside each of us. Each human being has a personal struggle with their own worth. And often when we have good things, we think we don’t deserve them.
 
Arriving at Phase Four is like riding your bike up a really big hill. To get there, you pedal hard until you finally reach the top. Your reward for all that work is that you can just coast down the other side.  
 
That period of time when you are coasting down a hill can be spent enjoying the ride or bracing for impact. Impact is inevitably going to happen and bracing for it doesn’t really change anything other than your lack of enjoyment of the ride. 
 
What if I told you it is as simple as letting go of your fear of what’s to come and be willing to enjoy what it is right now? Sounds too easy, right? 
 
The funny thing is that it really is that easy, but our brain wants to make it really complicated. It’s not complicated. 
 
Let me ask you this: Are you willing to be happy? If your answer is yes, that’s all that matters. Whatever is in your way is not as important as your willingness to be happy, so you can set it down right now. You don’t need that in order to get what you want: happiness.
 
I can almost hear your brain right now resisting this idea. It is so committed to being right that things have to be hard and dramatic that it doesn’t want to even see the easy answer. I know this about you because my brain does the same thing ALL the time. 
 
If happiness is what is important to you, take a deep breath. Then let it go. And with it, let go of all the extra weight standing between you and what you want. Just let it go, and let it be easy. 
 
When you feel yourself putting up a fight again (and believe me, it’s going to happen more than once) just notice what’s happening. We get to continually make this choice if we want to be happy. 
 
If this topic is really of interest to you, I highly recommend the book The Big Leap. It was a quick read, and one that I will return to time and again. I learned a lot about myself and my choices. 
 
Where have you had some success, but it still feels hard? Do you have a sense that you’re getting in your own way somewhere? Where can you say, “I am willing to be happy” and let the rest go? 

Comment below and share what's going on with you. I promise you are not alone. 

Lots of love,
Sarah

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

I am SO not perfect (and that's ok)

My goal in writing this series about change to help you become more resilient and graceful through change while giving you permission to discover your best self.  I know I want to live a life that excites me, and if I can help you to do the same then I feel like I've done a good job.

I'm looking at change. What does change do to us as individuals? How do we navigate it? How do we make it work and bust through so we become stronger? 

I agree with Martha Beck's teachings that change goes through phases. Much like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, there are steps and similar parts of the process for each individual, even though it will never be exactly the same. I wrote about Phases One and Two already, and you can go here to get a refresher if you'd like. 

I really don't like Phase Three. I am impatient and I want results now.  I don't mind hard work, but I want to know that it's going to pay off! And I don't want to wait or have too many challenges. A few challenges are ok, but not too many. 

I'm not a great judge about how much I can handle. When I am working out without a trainer, I back off early because I'm afraid of getting hurt. When I'm pursuing a new career, I quit when it gets tough because I think that maybe I'm "not cut out for this."

Martha Beck taught us that Phase Three has a slogan: "This is harder than I thought it would be, and that's ok." There is something really freeing about telling it like it is. First, this is freakin' hard. And second, that's ok. It's really ok for something to be hard.

Earlier this year, I created an entire business plan. I thought I was going to launch online programs and teach people around the world. I hired a coach. I bought software. I paid for advertising. I worked my butt off to write copy, design a course, film it and create useful free resources that would help people wherever they were in their journey. It was a lot of work. 

Work doesn't scare me. Spending money doesn't even scare me if I've done my homework. I was so sure I was making investments in myself and my business to get me to the next step. 

Let's just say my business plan isn't going according to plan this year. I was trying to leap way down the road and skip a bunch of steps. I was leaping way down the road. I simply wasn't ready for that and I fell on my face.

This time I know that this phase is hard and it's ok. I know that hard is part of the course, so I can stick it out. It's not failure ,it's feedback. I looked at why that didn't work this time. What can I learn? What can I do better? 

Failure isn't a problem. It's just information. It's not easy, let me be clear. I don't like that I invested all that money into something that didn't sell (yet). I spent money that I probably didn't need to, and won't need to until my business grows a bit more. But when I get there, at least I will have the software and knowledge that I need. Plus the confidence of having done a course once already. 

Where in your life are you struggling? Where is it hard? Or where are you so afraid of failure that you aren't even trying? 

Don't let "hard" or "failure" scare you. Don't let it stop you from trying something. You have people around you that will help you stand back up. You are stronger than you think. You just need to stand back up and take another step.

Sometimes I need someone to push me a little past my comfort zone and discover just how strong I really am. And I'm going to push you a little. Go a little bit further. Get up from a knockdown one more time. Push. I know it's hard, but push through. You're going to be ok. 

Let's do this.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

If you could design your future, what would it look like?

Last week I talked about the first phase of change. I call it caterpillar soup, because when I’m in that place I feel like mush. You can revisit last week’s post here. 
 
This phase can sometimes feel never ending. But I promise you, just like winter moves into spring, everyone moves out of phase one. There are some common early signs when someone is moving from the first phase to the second. A person will suddenly look around at life and feel like nothing “fits” anymore. There may be a desire to change appearances like get a new haircut or completely redo your wardrobe. Maybe the person is suddenly interested in new hobbies that have never sparked any interest before. These are the beginning urges of phase two.
 
We are in the beginning phases of rebirth. But rebirth into what, you may ask? A caterpillar biologically knows in its cells that it is going to transition into a butterfly. Those pieces start coming together and atoms start shifting and aligning into this new form. And that’s precisely what needs to happen to you in phase two, dear one.
 
Phase two is all about dreaming about what your new life will be and then laying down the plans to get there. 
 
One of my favorite tools in my coaching practice is what Martha Beck calls “Ideal Day.” In this tool, the coach will guide the client into a meditative state. From this place, they project their brain 3-5 years into the future. They imagine waking up on their ideal ordinary day. It’s not a holiday or a vacation, it’s just a regular ol’ day. The coach guides the client to see the day unfold before them, describing details using the five senses so that they can fully picture themselves there. What are they doing? What do they see? What colors? What can they touch and feel? Is there anything to smell? You get the idea. The coach will take the client through the day until the end. 
 
When I do this exercise as the coach, I read back what my client described so that she/he can hear what really resonates. This is our opportunity to pull out the important visuals and moments so we can anchor that into the brain in reality now. What images were really clear? What do you really want to happen?
 
My role as a coach is to help connect those images into action steps to help you get what you want in the future. Maybe I encourage them to make a vision board so that it something they can see on a regular basis. Maybe I have them set aside a time each day to reflect on these images and feel what it was like during our coaching session. 
 
In addition to using visualization, I am often encouraging my clients to play and experiment in real life. When was the last time you had an urge to do something but decided not to because you were worried you wouldn’t be good enough or that you’d look ridiculous or that you’d fail? 
 
This is how Elizabeth Gilbert found her way back to writing novels after Eat Pray Loveand the follow up Committed. She was plagued by the fear of failing after the success of Eat Pray Love, but she wanted to garden. She wanted her hands in the dirt. So, she did. Before you knew it, she was studying botany and the spark of her novel The Signature of All Thingswas born. 
 
If you are in the place where you are coming out of feeling like caterpillar soup and you’re starting to wonder what’s next, I invite you to play. What feels like fun? What seems to be calling you right now? Don’t judge it, just listen to your urge and play with the idea. 
 
I don’t know what will come out of play for you. The only way to know is to try. And let yourself engage, and give yourself permission to change, if that’s what’s going to happen. You’ve already gone through a big change, the worst is over! Now you get to play and explore. 
 
What would feel like play today? Comment below and let me know! Now is the time to take the things that feel like fun to you and flirt with it a little bit. Find a class or a buddy that would come with you to try something new. What kind of play can you get into this week? I encourage you to schedule a time before Sunday dedicated to playing with an urge that you have. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Change can seem scary, but it doesn't have to be

If you want to feel more resilient when navigating change, knowing what is coming your way will build your confidence and ability to feel like you can "bounce back" from any curve ball thrown your way. 

I'm going to be writing about the change process. Understanding and embracing the different parts of this process was a big Ah-Ha moment for me during life coach training. It gives me the acceptance I need to keep taking action and to stay the course. Just like every winter we know there will eventually be a spring, I can stick out through the trials and tribulations because I know something is coming eventually. 

Change is a process, it goes through phases. At any given moment we are in some part of this process. It doesn’t always move in a linear way, but most of the time it will follow this order. There is no set duration for how long each time period lasts, but each phase has its own distinct characteristics and those remain mostly the same every time you go through it. These parts are commonalities for most people. 
 
I'm going to guide you through the parts of the change cycle to help you identify where you are right now, and how to move through that period. Simply identifying where you are in this process will help you deal with change. If you know where you are and you accept the characteristics of that phase, you have actually accomplished a lot! This change cycle is how it was presented to us in life coach training by Martha Beck. 
 
Think about change like the life cycle of a caterpillar. It is completely natural for the caterpillar to change into a butterfly. It doesn’t have to think about the process, it just happens. It’s also out of the caterpillar’s control. There is nothing it can do to slow down or change the process. It just happens.
 
The first step is the caterpillar going into its cocoon. In our lives, there is usually an inciting incident that triggers the first step of the change process. We are normally living our lives, enjoying what is, and suddenly we are thrown into change. The incident could be getting fired from your job (or quitting), a breakup, a move, having a baby, etc. Something has happened and it changed how we once lived our lives. 
 
Did you know that when a caterpillar goes into its cocoon it dissolves? Its entire molecular structure must dissolve and fall apart so that it can become something else. The old must die in order for there to be a rebirth of the new. This is true for caterpillars and it is true for humans. 
 
Yes, it is really scary to hear that we must "die" in order to change. It’s scary because we don’t know what is on the other side. We don’t even know what “Death” looks like. You might be asking, “How do I know if I really died? How do I know that I let go of everything from the old? If I let go of everything, can I speed this up? I’m really freakin’ uncomfortable.” 
 
These questions are all normal because you are literally in a meltdown. We feel like our future is uncertain and that our life is completely out of control. Nothing feels “right.” We try to resist the meltdown by pushing the feelings away or rush into some other form of what used to be normal (this is the classic “rebound relationship”).

But the only way out is to go through. Allow this part to happen, let the old self melt away. Trust that the new is coming, and that it is coming in its own perfect timing. 
 
Everyone always wants to know what they can “do” during this phase. I am using quotations because there isn’t much to do. It’s an internal change, and I understand the compulsion to do something to help the process or to make it less uncomfortable.  
 
Well, my sweet darlings, there is really not much to do. Accept where you’re at and focus on what is right in front of you. You’re going to live one day at a time. And when one day feels hard, you are just going to focus on the next 10 minutes. Are you safe right now? What do you need to do for the next 10 minutes to be ok? 
 
If you’re in the meltdown phase, I highly encourage you to take care of yourself. Nurture yourself like you are your own parent and you’re having a really bad sick day. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket, make some soup or tea. Get extra sleep and drink more water. Take a long bath. Let yourself have a grieving period. It is a death, after all. Give yourself time to mourn what was (and what will never be if you need to let go of a vision of what you thought you were going to be).
 
Grieving is natural. Anything that you’re feeling during this time is natural- anger, sadness, denial, avoidance, fear and more. Notice those feelings and let yourself have them. If you let yourself actually feel the feeling without repressing it the feeling will last less than 60 seconds. If you let it just move through, it will pass. Have you ever seen a baby go from happy to sad and back to happy all within 5 minutes? It’s because that’s how we experience feelings without attaching stories to them. Let yourself have the feelings and let them move through without attaching to the story of what it means. Let it go. 
 
Trust the process, my friend. There isn’t anything you need to do. It’s all going to happen without you controlling it. I also recommend not bracing yourself for impact. Take some deep breaths, and allow. You don’t have anything you need to do in this moment except take care of yourself. 
 
I promise you that even though it feels scary and hard right now, everything is going to be ok. 

If this doesn't sound like where you are right now in your life, don't worry. I will be going through the other three parts of the change cycle in the coming weeks! Stay tuned.  

Do you know someone that was recently thrust into the throes of the change cycle? Someone that maybe went through a breakup, a new job, or a new home? Maybe they are smiling through it, but you have a hunch that maybe they just need to hear that what they're going through is completely normal. Please share this email with them. Forward it and share the love. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

We Call It "Dream Death"

Last week, I sent a survey asking for your feedback about the blog. I loved all the responses, and will definitely be jamming about them as I move forward. I’m so excited to have such an engaged, thoughtful, and reflective community. What you’re interested in lines up beautifully with what I’m interested in writing about. This is going to be fun! (If you didn’t take the survey and still have some thoughts to share you can do so here.)
 
Some of the answers I got were about dealing with change. And that’s where I’d like to begin today.
 
We have all been there: In our heads we are mentally preparing for something that we really want. Two years ago, after I went through a bad breakup up, I realized I had been planning our entire future. I had visions in my head about a wedding and living together in our apartment. Plus dreams of building a business together, traveling, and leading an incredibly exciting life together.
 
When he and I broke up, I still felt really hung up on him. I realized I wasn’t hung up on himexactly, I was stuck on this future I thought I was going to have. I really wanted that life. But that life with that guy wasn’t going to happen. I needed to let go.
 
It wasn’t an easy process for me. This was my future that I designed. I had become emotionally attached to this thing that hadn’t happened (and honestly, hadn’t even been said out loud to anyone). It seemed like it was harder to let go of because it hadn’t happened yet. There was no reality to deal with, just the perfect vision in my mind. 
 
This happens to us all the time. Some people call it future-tripping. It’s when we create something for our future, and it feels so real and we get so invested in it. It can be a helpful tool for some instances, because it can help you create a life that you love. But when it falls apart and you feel lost because you didn’t get that future, it can be devastating. We do this in all areas of our lives- the perfect job, having a family, ideal family vacations or holiday dinners, and the list goes on. I bet if you got honest, you could name three different futures you have in your head that you are mentally playing out right now.
 
To deal with letting go of this future, a girl friend and I created a ritual. We decided we needed to honor the death of the dream. Giving it respect seems like the most natural way to let go and move on. 
 
We realized that honoring a dream death helps on so many levels. We find the process is best when you have a compassionate witness by your side, instead of trying to do this alone. Make sure the person is a compassionate listener, which means that they will let you say whatever you need to say and not try to fix it, diminish it, or make it go away. This needs to be someone that can sit with you in your shit and hold your hand.
 
First, we get honest. And honesty is where everything begins. We acknowledge what we were hoping would happen. Saying it out loud brings it to the light, and somehow bringing it out loosens the grip in my brain. (It really helps to have that compassionate witness nod their head and say that you’re not crazy for painting this vivid image of a future). It also acknowledges that we are probably going to experience grief and the whole host of emotions that come with that. This helps me feel less like a crazy lady for feeling feelings about something that didn’t even happen. It somehow normalizes it, and that gives me a bit of comfort. 
 
Next, we write a letter to the dream. In my case, since it was a breakup, I wrote the letter to my ex. I described everything I thought we would have together and how I was feeling. You could write it to anyone or anything.  Get everything out that you need to say. You get to be angry, frustrated, sad, what have you. 
 
After everything that needs to be said and written are said and written, we release it by burning the letter. We watch it turn to ash and smoke. Something about that feels really satisfying. We’ve always washed away the ashes with water of some kind, which wasn’t exactly intentional but in retrospect I think it’s actually important. Water brings about renewal. It is a symbol of a new start.
 
This week, I had a dream death. I have been planning to run the Loch Ness Marathon for over a year now. And while I’m still  running a marathon this year, it will not be in Scotland. I’m pretty sad about this part. I was so looking forward to being back in one of my favorite places in the world, and accomplishing a major goal while I was there. 
 
My inner critic has been especially harsh lately, criticizing myself for tackling a goal like this and failing so spectacularly. And I'm coping with that by I’m by extending compassion and forgiveness to myself. I'm also reframing how I see the experience. It's not a failure in a bad way. Yes, I failed to meet my goal but now I have new information about how to reach that goal next time. It's not over, I just got feedback about what doesn't work. 
 
I’m letting myself feel any feelings that come up, but I am not letting my critic steal the show. There is a lot to learn here that will help me next time. Keeping myself focused is helping to bring relief
 
Does this resonate with you? If so, I invite you to share this email with the person you’d like as your compassionate witness. Forward this to them and set a date for your own dream death ritual. I hope it brings you as much relief as it brings me. 
 
All love.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

I need your help please!

My blog this week is different because I'm asking you for your input, your thoughts, your challenges and fears, and how I can be most helpful.

I am so lucky to have an email list where a LOT of you actually open, read, and respond to my emails. Believe me, I know I am really lucky to have that. 

Because of that I want to make sure I am serving you the best I can. I want to write about stuff that is useful and exciting to you. And to do that I need your help. I need to know what you want to be hearing about.

So I wrote a quick survey that should literally take all of three minutes. I made it really easy to select some ideas that might interest you and I gave you space to write to me too. Take it by clicking here. There are just a few questions, answer some or all of them because your input is helpful! 

If you would prefer to just comment below with your responses, here are some questions to consider: 

• What big challenge are you struggling to overcome?
• What's got you feeling confused or stuck right now in your life?
• What conflicting advice are you trying to sort through?

Thank you in advance for your help. I appreciate you being here and I appreciate what you have to say. 

Take the survey by clicking here!

Let's dive into negative feelings. Take a deep breath. Let's go.

People that ask about intuition are usually looking for an answer to a big question in their life. They are wondering what to do to get unstuck or to feel happier. Sound familiar? I know it really well.
 
Dealing with the triggers that push our buttons and getting unstuck are really dealing with the same problem. We must be willing to change how we see negative emotions. They aren't something to ignore, push away, or rush through. 
 
Negative emotions have a purpose, we humans are not meant to feel positive and happy all the time. Anyone that tells you otherwise should be chucked into the nearest river immediately. Negative emotions are incredibly effective at showing us what we don’t want, and also inspiring us to take action to change the situation. 

When we have a negative emotion we can see it as a signal. It's a alarm bell that we are tolerating something that we don't really resonate with on a deeper level. That means we need to take a look at what's causing the negative emotions and we can address the problem.

It also requires you to actually feel the feelings that are coming up. Don’t push them away, don’t ignore them. Just like when you’re swimming in the ocean and a wave comes along. You can’t run from it and you can’t go around it. You have to dive into it and then you are safe from the crash. 

Dive into the negative feeling. There is something there that is asking for your attention. 
 
This is why it’s actually a good thing when your buttons get pushed. They’re triggering some negative emotions, which is just a starting point to growth. You’re being called to be greater. Go into it, answer the call.

Here is my process for dealing with negative emotions. 
 
The first step to dealing with negative emotions is to recognize and notice that you’re feeling them. Sometimes I can get into a funk without even noticing it, and then it effects my mood and how I treat the other people around me all day without really being aware of what I’m doing. This actually happened the other day. My boyfriend pointed out I was being a grump, and at that time I wasn’t ready to hear it, so I laughed it off. He brought it up again later, and I thought maybe it was time to take a look at why he’d say it twice. Was it true, was I grumpy?
 
I checked in with myself and did a mental scan of my body and my emotions. Sure enough, some really grouchy feelings were hanging out. I was trying to push them down by ignoring them. 
 
After I noticed the feelings and acknowledged that they were real, what did I do next? 
 
My next step was to get distance. An idea that revolutionized my coaching was the concept that I am not my thoughts. Thoughts are things, they are not who I am. Think about it this way. If your thoughts were like tiny little frogs hopping around, you could watch the frogs. If you were all the frogs you wouldn't see them, you would BE all of them. I am separate from the frogs. I can see each frog as something separate from who I am.
 
So, that means my thoughts are just that – thoughts. Most of the time they’re not even mine because I’ve picked them up from somewhere or someone else. I chose to label them to give myself extra distance from identifying anything as “mine.” When we claim something as “mine,” it becomes a part of you and therefore it becomes really difficult to give up. And that’s what we’re trying to do, right- give up the bad feelings and move to something that feels better. 
 
When I was feeling grumpy I labeled it by saying “It’s the grumpy feeling.” Or “I’m noticing the feeling of dissatisfaction.” 
 
After labeling the feeling and giving myself a little distance, I get really curious. What is this feeling about? What caused it? Can I backtrack and find where it started? Are there any similarities to other times that I felt this way? What clues can I find about these thoughts and feelings? 
 
As I get to know the negative feelings, I start to see patterns and the cause. When I was feeling grumpy this weekend, I did a body scan and memory scan and noticed I didn’t have anything particularly to feel grumpy about. But I did realize I burned a lot of calories on my long training run that morning. I get grumpy when I’m hungry. Ding ding ding!! Problem found and a solution was easy.
 
Maybe you’re thinking, “That’s great for you Sarah, that you were able to identify you were grumpy because you were hungry. But I have some really big stuff I’m dealing with. I’m feeling depressed most of the time. I’m tired. I have no energy. I just want to feel better.” I promise you that the process is exactly the same, even if the solution is different. It may take some time to get to the solution, but the process goes:
 
Identify. Name it and distance yourself. Get curious. Find the solution. 
 
It sounds simple because it is. It isn’t always easy, and that’s the distinction. It asks you to be courageous enough to be completely honest with yourself. 
 
To be clear, it’s not about going from feeling really crappy to totally joyful and in love in 60 seconds flat. Sometimes it’s about baby steps. You reach for feeling something that is just a tiny bit better than what you’re feeling right now. By baby stepping to get a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better you will soon find yourself feeling a whole lot better. 
 
Here is my invitation to you. Share this post with a friend that is going through some negative emotions. Let them know you want to support them through their process, that you see the struggle and you are there for them. Offering your support and presence is the greatest gift you can give someone. I encourage you to do that today. 

All love,
Sarah

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.
 

My personal experience with intuition

This is a moment of honesty and transparency before moving into today's email. I wrote the blog I promised last week. It was about how stop getting your buttons pushed. I wrote the email and realized I was not happy with it. It was too complicated, and I really needed to simplify. So it's going to need a little bit more time. Luckily, I had another post ready to go, and I hope you find it useful. 

A question I hear often is “how do you know when something is intuition?” I really LOVE this question because I have danced with it so often. I have ignored my intuition and I’ve heard it and chose differently. And sometimes I follow it, and those are my personal stories of magic. 
 
What the hell is intuition, how do we know when we’re experiencing it, and how do we know if it is worth following are all questions worth looking at and seeing how it applies to your own life. 
 
Have I told you about how I became a life coach? The only thing that really guided me was pure intuition, so I’m going to share this story with you in hopes of illustrating how it works for me.
 
I was working a job that I liked but no longer loved. I could tell my time was coming to an end in this position, but I had no idea what was next. So, I showed up and did my work. As I worked, I usually listened to podcasts. I kept hearing people say “I’m a Martha Beck certified life coach.” And then I heard a few interviews with Martha Beck. I’d never heard of this woman, and yet her name kept popping up and I liked what all these people were saying and I finally investigated it for myself. 
 
Turns out she ran a program to train life coaches and they were going to be starting a session in just three weeks. As I researched her approach to coaching, I found she was not only brilliant (she has THREE degrees from Harvard) and I loved her scientific approach to learning and helping others understand their thinking, but she worked with a touch of the magical (the stuff that can’t be explained) and a ton of fun and humor. I loved this woman. It’s how I want to be showing up in the world. 
 
But when I signed up for an information call to learn more about training, I hung up after 10 minutes. It felt non-committal. Everyone had one foot out the door. And when I looked at the life coach I had been working with for the last year I thought to myself “She’s so good at this, I could never do what she does.” 
 
And yet the thought about joining the life coach training program wouldn’t stop nagging me. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I sat in silence for a moment with the idea. I turned my mind to pay attention to my body. I got really still. I asked if I should join the program and waited for something. My whole body felt a rush of energy, like a literal oceanic wave moved through me. “Huh, that’s weird,” I thought. “Must be a coincidence. A chill from central air conditioning.” (I did live in a basement apartment, after all) So I asked the opposite question- “Should I not do life coach training?” My body closed. It felt like a tortoise shell was slapped on and I was closing in. I felt tight, uncomfortable, and small. 
 
I had never in my life experienced clear communication like this. I decided to listen. I don’t know WHY I decided to listen. But something seemed really clear to me that life coach training was my next step. It was a major leap of faith, and I decided to give it a go. I wasn’t sure that I was meant to be an actual life coach, but it was clear that I needed to be in this training.
 
That step changed everything in my life. Because of that training I have met friends that I hope to have for the rest of my life because their wisdom and insight have touched me so deeply and I hope to continue to support them. I noticed so many of my personal patterns that have held me back from living to the fullest. I’ve expanded as a woman and as a human, and I have gotten a great deal of life lessons in a short period of time. It is true what they say- when the student is ready the teacher appears. 
 
I’ve tried that exercise of sitting quietly with a question, and I have never felt the same exact way. I will get similar communication or sometimes it shows up silent. Sometimes I have to wait a while for a clear inspired next step. Intuition speaks its own language, which is nothing like what we use with words. It’s completely non-verbal and is usually extremely individualized.
 
Our intuition is a deep knowing that goes beyond logic. My logic would analyze the idea of a coaching program and it would look at the cost and it compared my abilities to another person. Beyond logic, there is a sense of knowing the unknowable. 
 
Our logical brain is only able to process a finite amount of information, and it processes it at a slower rate. Our body (especially our gut) can process information much faster. There are sensors all over the body that can process information and feed it back to us. Often our intuition is communicating to us through our bodies. Are you listening?
 
It could be the tightness you feel in your stomach or the ache in your back. It could be the way your heart beats faster or your palms sweat. I don’t believe in coincidences. Sometimes pain is telling you there is something physically wrong, sometimes it’s telling you a different kind of message that you need to receive. 
 
Here’s your assignment this week. Sit still. Get quiet. In your mind, hold an idea of a person, place, or thing that you know is bad for you. If you’re lactose intolerant, maybe you think about a big ice cream sundae. Or maybe you think about that elementary school teacher than made you feel awful about yourself. Pay attention to how your body is reacting when you think about this person. Take note of all the signals that are happening. 
 
Shake off that thought and those feelings. Let it go with a deep inhale and a big sighing exhale. Now think of someone, somewhere, or something that makes you incredibly happy. Notice what happens in your body. What changes do you notice? 
 
This is the beginning work to understand the signals you receive from your body. This is how you can start to establish the ways that your body is communicating. Pay attention when you get these signals, there is something your body wants you to know. Lean more into the things that give your body the same feelings as your happy thing, and stay away from the things that give your body the negative feelings. 
 
What came up for you doing this exercise? What signals did you get? Give yourself the gift of clarity and share them with me now. Hit reply and tell me your body signals, put them into words so your brain can begin to see and understand what your body already knows. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.