Are all of your buttons being pushed?

In the self-help world, a phrase that we hear a lot is “it’s not happening toyou, it’s happening foryou.” The intention of this phrase is to motivate you out of victim mode, where nothing is in your control because you are the victim to all these circumstances around you. The empowering behavior would be to see what is happening, and ask yourself what value can you create out of the circumstance? What good can come from this?
 
Sometimes the good means that you can grow into a bigger person. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned. Maybe you have the opportunity to try something new or different from how you’ve handled things in the past. Maybe you get to practice a lesson already learned. The options are infinite. 
 
I’m aware of this phrase when I’m in a deep conversation with my boyfriend and I’m getting heated, hearing him say with a laugh, “I’m bringing this up because it seems to hit a button for you.”
 
It just got me burning in all directions. Not only was he pushing my buttons to get me heated in conversation, but he was doing it on purpose because he was amused by how worked up I was getting. How this right or even fair? What the hell? 
 
I could look at the situation in a few different ways. I could blame him and say he’s an awful person for intentionally pushing my buttons and laughing at me. It’s not my problem, it’s his. I could take it so far as to say that I don’t want a relationship with someone that does that to me, makes me feel triggered, and pushes me past my levels of comfort and control. Or I could take responsibility for the fact that my reaction happened so fast, I didn’t even check myself to find out why I was so hot in the first place. 
 
Even though I don’t always catch myself in the moment, I can notice it later and examine what happened.  I look at the options I have around interacting with someone that triggers me this way. 
 
Before I was in a relationship, I was so comfortable being in my bubble. In my bubble I was in control of choosing the content I digested and interacted with, and also what I was willing to approach and work on. I was in total control, and I very rarely let something come in that pushed my buttons. I decided what I wanted to work on and how deeply I would engage with it. And I had some great progress this way. And there was a part of me asking "Wasn’t that enough?!" 
 
But being in a relationship pushes so many of my buttons that I was avoiding. The ones that have me look really honestly at my beliefs that might not be serving me, such as my insecurities. The way that I want to live my life involves me evolving into my best version of myself, which means I’m going to have to look at those insecurities and question if they are serving my highest good. 
 
I’m grateful for a relationship that is pushing my buttons. And I’m really grateful that he’s patient and sees my good qualities. Next week I will look at the steps I take to break down my triggers. 

For now, I want to challenge you to notice your reactions. If you have a big reaction to something someone says or does, notice what happens on your end. Is your reaction in line with what happened or is it bigger than needed? 

No work needs to be done, just notice. 

If you are having really big reactions, how can I support you? Whether you need someone to listen or if you need some suggestions for resources, I am here to help. Feel free to reach out, and I'm happy to help in whatever way would be useful. I'm here for you.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Do You Believe in Soulmates?

It's a big question. My short answer is that I do believe in soulmates. But I have my own definition for what a soulmate is, so this is going to be longer than a simple yes or no answer.

I believe a soulmate is contract between two souls to connect while on earth to have deep and meaningful spiritual growth. A soulmate relationship helps to bring a person to another level of evolution towards being a more loving being. 

Because this is how I see a soulmate relationship I believe a person will have multiple soulmates and they will not all necessarily be romantic.

When it comes to romance, I don't believe in "The One." I believe a person is The One because you declare that person to be the one you want to spend your life with, dedicate time and energy to, invest in their growth and commit to one another that you've mutually agreed upon. 

A soulmate relationship is not always puppies and sunshine and rainbows, because growth is often messy. It’s not necessarily a relationship that lasts an entire lifetime either, because a soulmate’s assignment is for growth and not for a set time period. Melissa Ambrosini said it beautifully when she said, “When you meet your soulmate there is no place to hide. They are your biggest mirror, your biggest spiritual assignment.” 

I've been growing a lot as a person recently, and part of that is thanks to my romantic relationship. While in relationship I am able to see a lot of my own behavior more clearly so that I can look to see if it is serving my highest good. And a lot of times my answer is "yes," and almost as often my answer is "no." When I feel out of alignment with the loving person I want to be, I get to look at my behavior, see where I am choosing something other than love and look for a new choice. 

I don’t know if my current relationship is a soulmate relationship, but I do know that it is a relationship that reflects back to me all the parts of myself that need some attention and are holding me back from being the best version of myself. 
 
It reminds me of our first date. We were sitting across a table from each other nervous as hell. For whatever reason, I decided to go full out on this date. I asked some deep, hard-hitting questions in hopes that we could get to know each other on a deeper level.  
 
We talked about what we were looking for in a relationship, and what we saw for ourselves long term. We also talked about deal-breakers, our needs and desires in a relationship as well as our  hopes and dreams for how we want to show up in the world. This conversation was some serious #adulting, because I'm not going to lie and say it was easy to always be honest with this conversation. 
 
He shared with me later that this conversation was really scary but he was willing to play along. On that first date, he said he learned more about me and us as a couple than he would have learned in three months. It helped us feel more connected because we saw where we were on the same page, and so many of the normal assumptions and questions rolling around in one’s head we laid out on the table. 
 
Because these questions were central to developing a partnership, I had to be really honest, too. A few times I caught myself wanting to say something to impress him or be agreeable. Or even worse, sometimes I caught myself editing what I was going to say because I was afraid of his reaction. When I leaned in and said the things I was afraid of, it let him reciprocate. It paved the way for more open and honest conversations since then. (And not all of them have been easy or happy)
 
Like I said, it’s a little early in my relationship to be using the word “soulmate” but I will say he pushes a lot of my buttons in a way that makes me inspired to be my best. It points out some of the things that triggers my worst self, and unfortunately he catches the brunt of that sometimes. Which just shows me where I still have healing to do. 

It's a process. And the process that can happen between two people is a beautiful thing. Sometimes we learn from happy moments, but most often we learn when things are hard. Having someone by your side as you do it helps. 
 
What I want to know now is if you believe in soulmates, and why or why not? Do you have your own working definition of a soulmate and what is it? Have you felt a soulmate connection before? 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

The struggles make us stronger

When you’re struggling the worst thing someone can say is “Don’t worry, this struggle is making you stronger.” It makes me want to punch something. All of those cliché sayings are really awful in the moment, even if they do contain some truth. 
 
It is really hard to see someone you care about struggle. We want to stop the suffering and take it away. We would rather carry the burden ourselves than see someone else carry it. 
 
Why is that?
 
I was listening to a podcast interview of the Iron Cowboy. He ran 50 Ironmans in 50 consecutive days in 50 states. Essentially he was biking, swimming, or running for 12 hours a day, traveling to another state, and getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. To say that he suffered some pain is probably the understatement of the century. 
 
I can barely push through a 6-mile workout or a bootcamp in 90 degree heat, and that makes me feel incredibly proud. How did he do it? How does an ordinary man break through his own self-imposed physical and mental limitations and shatter a Guinness World Record? How does someone push through pain when all the brain wants to do is end suffering and keep us alive? 
 
Pain is a signal that we need to address. It is a signal to ourselves that we are in need of something. Of course, what the brain logically wants to do is stop everything and stop the pain. I think this is what people in our lives are trying to do for us, too. They want the pain to stop, they want you to be happy as much as possible. 
 
But each of us knows when we have more to give. We know when there is a deeper depth of the well of strength where we can dig deep and give more. But we only reach that place when we push past the suffering. If we let our loved ones take away our pain, we never know how deep our well goes. 
 
Rock bottom is a gift. We must find our own strength to push and get back up. Suffering is a gift. It makes us reassess what is important and find new answers to problems we’ve been dealing with. It makes me think of the Einstein quote “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” 
 
If you are suffering right now, you have my deepest compassion. I’m here for you and I see you, friend. You are here in this suffering, and it’s real. When you’re ready to dig out, look deep. Find a new solution. Change your perspective. If you’ve always done things in one particular way, try something completely new and different. Put yourself in the shoes of someone you admire or imagine yourself in 10 years (they say we all get wiser with time, right?). What would that person do? 
 
If you are watching someone you care about suffer, you also have my compassion. Understand that your presence and support are the absolute best things you can offer. Tell your friend what I said above “I’m here for you. I see you, and I’m witnessing you.” Remain present. Put your phone away, turn off the part of your brain trying to speak in quotes and clichés. Just be in the moment with them. You are giving a wonderful gift by letting the other person build the muscle of self-sufficiency and personal strength and resilience. Your presence is also a gift. When we know that another person is willing to just be with us, not try to fix us or make life pretty, we feel released from a burden. Remove your fear that the other person isn’t strong enough. They have enough on their plate without including your doubt.

When in doubt, think of the chicken and the egg. Have you ever seen a chicken break through its shell? The process of pushing and struggling to break through the shell is how the chicken builds its strength to survive. If someone else were to break the shell for it, the chick would not survive. 
 
Life is tough. No one gets out alive. The best we can do is our best and love one another. We all have our own struggles that are in our path to make us stronger. 

Your turn. When was a time you were struggling and you realized after it was over that you were glad it happened the way it did?  Tell me your story in the comments below. I want to hear from you! 

Lots of love,
Sarah
 
 

"Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?"

Imposter Syndrome is real, y’all. Well, that’s a paradoxical statement because it’s not real but many of us suffer from it. And it’s time to get over it.

I ran into an acquaintance several months ago. When I told him what I was doing, he looked at me quizzically. “But you’re not married.” he said. I told him, “All the better. I know what it takes to date. I’m in the trenches. I’m having fun. My information is current, and no one is saying it better than I am.” He smiled and nodded.

I tried to save myself from imposter syndrome by telling myself “What does he know? He’s an old white man, so far from my ideal customer.” But the damage had already been done. “What the hell do you know? Who are you to be an expert on anything? Look at your life. If you knew what you were talking about, you would have everything figured out already. You should only teach once you have success in your life. Quiet down, retreat, let other people lead.”

That voice was so judgmental because I was dating but didn’t have a relationship. It was telling me I wasn’t enough because I was single and dating (never mind that I was having fun dating and exploring new relationships with people and different ways of getting to know someone new). It didn’t matter because I wasn’t valuable unless I was partnered.

Oh, that voice is so harsh. It hurts my heart writing it. But that is exactly what I was hearing. And I still hear it every once in a while. That question that really stings:

“Who the hell do you think you are to lead and teach?”

Do you have this voice? Is there some voice inside you that is way more knowledgeable and bossy telling me how you should show up in the world?

I talk to other coaches about this all the time. Those of us with good intentions, plenty of wisdom and life experiences, and clear vision are the ones that question ourselves the most. We are the ones that doubt and think that we should leave it to someone else. Because the other people are so loud, we are convinced they know what they’re doing.

Isn’t that a bit crazy? Just because someone is loud and insistent we believe we should listen? But that’s exactly what has happened.

Love him or hate him, President Trump is a perfect example of this. He had a vision of who he is and how he wants to contribute to the world and he committed to it 110%. He was loud and focused. And look what happened.

Can you imagine if those of us who have visions of a better, connected, loving world were that focused and committed? What would happen?

If you are reading this, I believe you are one of the people with a vision for a better way. Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, but you want to believe that there is a way that is more loving and filled with light. What would it take for you to be 110% committed, telling your story loud and proud, helping others to step up?

You know what? I’m in a fantastic relationship now and I don’t feel any worthier to lead. It’s because my worthiness does not come from my relationship status. It comes from inside me.

I have a lot to offer. I have a lot of life experiences, and a lot of wisdom learned through life practice and from studying.

And you know what else? I don’t have it all figured out. I never will. I’m not anyone’s guru. Like I said a few weeks ago, I will always guide you back to yourself as your own best guide. That’s what any good coach should be doing. But I will share with you what I’ve learned and what has helped me, in hopes that it helps you too. I want us all to shine. Because I have a vision of a world that is more connected, more loving, and more awakened.

Want to join me?

Your turn. What is your inner voice telling you you’re not good enough for? Do you need more schooling, more practice, more validation before you do that certain thing that your heart is yearning to do? Comment below and tell me what you want to do and what the inner voice says that is holding you back. Call yourself out and let me know.

Lots of love,

Sarah

Undoing years of bad advice to find Truth

In my twenties I thought something was really wrong with me. I had a job and I was doing a fine job paying my bills and maintaining a social life. But I was completely miserable. I couldn’t meet a guy that I was interested in dating. In truth, the guy I wanted to date wasn’t interested and I was desperate to get over the unrequited love thing.
 
Actually, the real real truth? I thought something was wrong with me when it came to dating and if I was better at it then he would love me back. I thought I was broken and needed to be fixed.
 
I sought dating advice from everywhere that I could get it for free. Books. Blogs. Magazines. Friends. Movies. A lot of re-watching Sex and the City. 
 
And let me tell you that there is a lot of really bad dating advice out there. A LOT. I distinctly remember reading my Cosmo in bed one night and realizing it was all bullshit aimed to make me feel bad so I would buy more stuff. The tips were lousy. There was nothing about connection. Nothing about communicating. I declared there and then I would never buy Cosmo again. And I’ve stuck to it. I think I’ve read a Cosmo four times in the last decade, mostly because I was bored. 
 
The advice is so bad, I was ashamed of letting people know I was reading this stuff. I had no problem talking about episodes of Sex and the City with my girlfriends and privately mining it for bits of wisdom (let me save you several hundred hours: there is almost NO dating wisdom in the entire series. Please don’t turn to SATC for dating tips). But the articles and the books I was reading were hidden. I even removed the book jackets from a few because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading “Bad Girls Finish First.” I was hopeless and didn’t know where to turn.
 
And while I am sure these resources are written with the best intentions to help women, they do a lot of extra damage. A lot of the messaging is that you’re not enough. You need to be more of something else. Be sexier. Workout more. Have more confidence.

Telling someone to have more confidence is the equivalent of telling someone in the middle of a panic attack to “Calm down. Relax.” It. Doesn’t. Work.
 
Advice like this isn't specific; it sends us to surface level solutions like changing our wardrobe instead of getting deep to look at how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t get deep down to the inner place where confidence really comes from.
 
Reading these books and articles didn’t make me a better dater, and it didn’t make the guy love me any more. If anything, it probably made him more confused why I was acting strangely. I would get overly sensitive about weird things, or excuse him for standing me up and tell myself I "evolved past feeling angry." 
 
It scrambled my brains so much that it took years to undo it. I had to unlearn all these well-intentioned tips that got into my subconscious and learn to trust myself over someone else. I was running in circles for so, so long that when I started to straighten myself out it took a long time to see any progress. It felt like I was broken for a long time.

But something deep down inside never gave up on me. It saw what was possible and kept pointing me to my own True North. I couldn't find True North by listening to anyone else. 
 
Why am I, a life coach, telling you to stop listening to other people’s advice and listen to yourself? Because listening to yourself is the only way I know how to get out of the mess we are in. We aren’t taught how to listen to ourselves. I would much rather you listen to your own guidance than for you to listen to me and my advice. I hope that my stories only show you the contrast between my experiences of listening to myself and not listening to myself.  

I want you to know you are your own best expert. I have plenty of ideas. theories, practices, and tips but at the end of the day you have to listen to yourself and do what's best for you. I will always guide you back to you. Even though I know sometimes the inner voice is the one that's hardest to listen to.

If you're having a hard time listening to yourself or knowing what to do, maybe it's time we talk. Did you know I offer a free 90 minute session to anyone curious about what coaching is all about? You get to test drive a coach (me!) and ask all your questions. If you want to see if this is a fit for you, click here and book your complimentary call now. 

When My Inner Voice Contradicted My Plans

Have you heard of Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map? If this is new to you, let me quickly explain. It’s working backwards from how we typically work. We often think we will feel good when we achieve our goals. We’ll feel loved when we get the boyfriend, or when we get the job promotion. And then we get the goal and don’t feel the way we want to feel. LaPorte teaches us to work backwards. Get clear on how you want to feel, and then do whatever you can to feel that way while moving towards your dreams. The more you feel your desired feelings, the better you will feel overall. LaPorte teaches a process to help people uncover their core desired feelings so you know what to focus on creating.
 
I reflect on my core desired feelings daily. What will I do today to feel the way I want to feel? I aim my actions towards my feelings and reconnect to them often so that I stay on track.
 
One of my core desired feelings is Deeply Connected. I want to feel deeply connected in my work and in my relationships. In order to feel deeply connected to others I must first feel deeply connected to myself. And to be completely honest, I forget to do this a lot.
 
Recently, I’ve been feeling a little flighty. Not committing to things and messing up appointments. Feeling like resting and laying down instead of working hard on my business. I haven’t even felt focused when reading. I started writing four different blog posts before I realized what I was really missing was my connection to myself.
 
And a voice inside myself said that I need to rest and be calm.
 
I argued back, “But I have a blog post to write! I have a commitment to consistency. Besides, I like writing! Can’t we do the thing we like to do?”
 
My deeply connected self said, “Yes, we like writing. But can we let the us off the hook this week? I need rest.”
 
I thought about this. “What would it look like to be let off the hook?”
 
“What if we make it short?”
 
“Hmmm, I can get behind this. Keep talking, deeply connected self. What would we write about that would still feel like rest?”
 
And there was no answer other than “This.”
 
Last week I talked about the voices in our head. Yes, we all have them. They all want to be heard, and they all have a message for you to hear. They really do have your best intentions at heart and are trying to keep you safe.
 
My deeply connected self still wanted to connect with you. It wanted to honor the commitment I made to myself, my business and to you because that’s important. But it’s also important to know what’s true and how to honor what’s true.
 
Right now, I’m needing some extra rest. That’s what it means to be deeply connected. To listen to the impulses that I’m getting from my body and to actually do what it’s asking.
 
What’s one thing you can do today to feel good? What does that look like for YOU? Comment below and tell me. Then I’m going to tell you to go do exactly that. Don’t wait, do it now. 

The voices in your head are real

You’re Never Going to Get What You Want

I’m Never Going to Get What I Want

I was out for a run the other day. My breath was a bit heavy, but my body still felt strong. And I was going at my normal slow pace. I’m a very slow runner, I’ve always been hard on myself about that. I have two sides of my brain saying, “It doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you get there.” And the other side saying, “You are wasting your time. This is going to take forever. Think of all you could be doing instead.”

I run for about a mile with these two sides of my brain arguing. Back and forth. Back and forth. It’s more exhausting than the run itself. My brain can’t handle that conflict. Thankfully I realize I haven’t been listening to my book (oh my god, it’s so good. Go pick up Michael Gruber’s Tropic of Night), so I shift my focus back there. Suddenly, the run doesn’t feel so hard. It’s just one foot in front of the other, like always. The voices seem to fade away.

We all have multiple voices in our heads. You’re not crazy. It is like your car radio. Sometimes we have one station playing and it is blasting at full volume. We have the power to choose what to listen to and what volume.

Some of the voices in my head sound like this:

One voice is afraid of everything and sends me into feeling terror and desperation. It’s afraid I am going to live in a refrigerator box with stray cats as my only friends.

One constantly points out my flaws and failings and wails that I will forever be a failure so why try to be anything else?

One voice is trying really hard to get down to business. She is all work, no play. She hustles hard because all that matters are work and financial security.

Another voice is quiet, still and calm. She knows everything will be ok.

There’s a voice that is constantly cheerful, almost to a point of denial.

I could probably go on, I bet I have another half dozen characters. Can you relate?

Each voice has its own radio station on my personal dial, and a volume setting. The ones of fear, failure, and getting down to business are really loud, and sometimes spend a lot more time on the rotation of what I’m currently listening to. When that happens, my mood completely shifts. Even if I try to override a negative voice with the overly cheerful one, I feel like I am in constant conflict with myself and it feels even more exhausting. I wear myself out and then choose from some numbing behaviors, like watching Netflix or having an extra glass of wine.

How can we use our inner voices to actually help us, instead of wear us out?

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I encourage you to play with the options I offer and see what works best for you and in what situations. You don’t have to just believe me, I want you to test me.

One of your options is to play with the volume on your radio dial. Literally turn the volume down on the current station you are listening to. This often lets me shift my focus more to the present moment, like when I was running. The voices are often stuck in the future or replaying something from my past. The voices are usually anywhere BUT the present moment. If I can turn the volume down on the voice, I can shift my focus to right now. What do I have to deal with right now? Am I safe? Do I have an immediate action to take?

Another way to deal with the voices will take a little bit of time and a journal. Instead of trying to resist the voice, let it say what it needs to say. While journaling, ask what it’s purpose is and engage it in a conversation. Get curious. Why is it here, and why right now?

What I have found as a coach is that what we resist will persist, so maybe it’s best to just give in and surrender to the moment. These voices in our heads are usually appearing with good intentions and they are becoming present for a specific reason.

I usually spend a little time on this and I like to journal it out because the writing process helps me to work through the different ideas that will swirl in my brain. Sometimes the journal also helps me retain what I’m learning from the voice so I can use it next time.

The most useful thing is clear away the voices so that I can get in touch with the one that is the quietest. The quietest voice is usually the one that is in touch with my intuition and has the best insights for me. The quiet voice is confident and comes from a place of peace. It’s my highest good, and this is the place where I like to take my motivated action. If I take action that is inspired by the other voices the results are usually less favorable.

Take this week to notice your voices. What are their different personalities and what are they saying to you? How does each voice make you feel?

Noticing is the first step. We must first notice before we can make any kind of change. Without noticing, we keep doing the same thing over and over and wonder why we’re feeling stuck and producing the same results that we don’t like.

Comment below and tell me about one of your voices. What is it saying and why is it here? What does that voice want for you?

Sending love your way,

Sarah

The #1 Dealbreaker at the top of your list

A few years ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time and I shared with him that I was going to be seeing one of my exes for a friendly catch up since he was in town. Was he ok with that, I asked him. He got quiet and seemed to almost withdraw. He said he was glad I told him before it happened and he was ok with it. He seemed to be withdrawn for the rest of the night, which made me wonder what was wrong. But I was pretty certain it had nothing to do with my question.
 
It turns out he withdrew from my moment of trust, honesty and vulnerability because had been cheating on me. He cheated on me for months while we dated, and it was incredibly painful when I finally found out. I was devastated.
 
And then I looked back over our relationship and I saw dozens of little examples of moments like this. Moments where his behavior seemed a little off and dodgy, but I didn’t know why. I thought it was because I was being vulnerable and he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with me. But it was because he felt guilty that I was being so honest and he was hiding something. He was worried he’d get caught in a lie.
 
This is an extreme example of the dealbreaker that should be #1 on every person’s dating list. It is so obvious, and yet we don’t really think about it.
 
Trust. If you don’t trust the person, the relationship is automatically dead in the water.
 
Knowing whether or not you trust a person is something you can sense immediately. Do you feel like you can relax and let yourself just be who you are? Do you feel safe?
 
I should note that I am talking about early in a dating relationship that trust is a dealbreaker. When you are in a long term relationship, there are different rules and negotiations around trust and repairing broken trust.  But when you first start dating a person, you either trust the person or you don’t. That is the starting point and it’s not going to get any better if you don’t trust the person.
 
I encourage you to check in with yourself regularly at the beginning of a relationship with a person. Ask yourself how you feel around the other person. Check in as you get ready for the date, at the beginning, middle and end.  
 
It’s a simple and straightforward blog today because it’s a simple concept. Even though you won’t have any of your instincts tell you to look for trust, when you do look you know. Your instincts will actually tell you to look if you are compatible to make great babies, but that’s a completely different blog post. You have to be consciously asking yourself if you feel you can trust the person.
 
What is one memory you have when you look back and know that you didn’t trust the person? Comment and tell me your story. Noticing these moments in the rear view mirror will make them easier to see in the future when you are in the moment. Take a step forward by noticing patterns from the past.

Am I the Only One with Royal Wedding Envy?

I felt something really interesting start to happen as I watched the royal wedding, it started as a twitch inside. I saw how pretty Megan Markle looked, I saw the way her husband looked at her and interacted, and I saw how special that day was for them and all the good energy surrounding them. Not to mention the opulence of Windsor Castle, all those flowers and beautiful things, and a chorus of people singing and musicians playing. There was this nagging voice that kept telling me that is something I don’t have and could never have. It would always be something I watched on a screen.
 
I was feeling jealous.
 
There was this inner voice that was comparing myself to Megan Markle and the voice kept telling me I would never be enough. Not pretty enough. Not graceful enough. Not rich enough. Not loved enough.

And this voice was nasty. It was attacking me for all the things I wasn’t and would never be. All the things I could never have and didn’t deserve. And it kept telling me to make my dreams smaller so that I could actually get them someday (maybe).
 
Can anyone relate?
 
When jealousy hits there are a few ways we can process it. The way that is most familiar is to let it come over us and take over. Jealousy has been the cause for a lot of bad behavior, it’s even been used to justify murder. When this happens, you might lash out in anger against others. And pretty soon it feels like the whole day is tanking, going down the tubes.
 
But there is another way.
 
Jealousy happens because it appears that someone else has something that you don’t. If they have it, then it must be all gone and you can’t have it. This type of thinking is thinking that things are limited resources. It is thinking from a place of lack.

What if that wasn’t true at all? What if your feelings of jealousy was only a signal? And what if there was plenty of everything you wanted and needed- enough for you and everyone else?
 
When I feel jealous, I use it as a way to check in with myself to find what is really behind that feeling. I use jealousy as a way to check in with my desires. What is the dream that I am longing for that I see in someone else?
 
When I watched the wedding, I felt such a surge of jealousy when I saw how they looked at each other. They seemed to look at each other with so much love, tenderness and appreciation. And instead of letting the angry voice get the better of me, I recognized that I want those warm feelings of connection and love with a romantic partner.
 
After I identify the feeling I am longing for, I search for where those feelings already exist in my life. I might not be marrying a prince, but I already have feelings of love, connection and tenderness.
 
I look at my friendships and family to find examples of those feelings I want. And I look for examples where I give it to myself, and where can I do that more often? What makes me feel loved, connected and tender? The first thing that comes to mind is my morning ritual of wrapping myself in a fuzzy towel right after I shower. 
 
When I look for examples of the feelings I am longing for, I am normally shocked at how much it shows up in my life without my noticing. Now that I notice it more often, the goal of a romantic partner doesn’t feel as unattainable or desperate because they are being created in other places. It is my job to notice and create it for myself.
 
Gratitude will also multiply the feelings  If you want more love, be grateful for the love you have. You will notice it more and more and you will see more coming your way.
 
Little things snowball to bigger things, even if it doesn't always come in the way I expect it. I can celebrate the spirit of the royal wedding and find love and connection in my own way without expecting a prince to come knocking at my door. The practice of noticing where it is already showing up in your life prepares you to notice it when it appears in an unlikely way.
 
We have the power to choose our response. We can’t control what happens to us, but we choose how we want to respond. The royal wedding happened. I could be jealous and angry at Megan Markle for having such a fabulous life. Or I can notice that what I’m longing for is connection, love and tenderness and I can look for ways that I can cultivate and appreciate that in my life.
 

What would you choose? Comment below and let me know your number one takeaway about jealousy. Look back at a time when you are jealous and what do you think the lesson is? 

Deal with Feelings of Discomfort Right Now

Is all this shadow work feeling uncomfortable?

I hear you! It is definitely some of the most uncomfortable work I have ever done. If you are feeling uncomfortable or resistant, you are exactly where you need to be. You're in good company, and the discomfort means the process is working. 

I used to have this regular get together with my girl friends and we called it Bitchin’ and Boozin’. The entire purpose was to complain to each other while drinking cocktails. We gathered once a month on Saturday night and listened to each other as we unleashed everything that we thought was wrong in our world. And then the rest of the group would be supportive by saying “That’s awful! You should never be treated that way! You deserve better!” Our intention had been to dump out all the bad and get pumped up by our friends.
 
At the time I was working a corporate job, it was during the 2008 recession, and I was helping people understand their 401ks. I was angry and depressed a lot of the time. I complained about my job a lot.

After a few months of Bitchin' and Boozin' I noticed I didn’t feel any better the next day. Sometimes I felt worse. In the process of trying to feel better, I somehow made myself feel worse?! Now I couldn't ignore or deny what was bugging me. It was all out there, in the open, and the way I was doing things wasn't working. Looking at the mess was painful.
 
I didn’t know what to do with everything out in the open. I literally thought that if I could just vent my frustrations I would be able to cope better with the situation. I thought that the problem was that I was repressing some emotion, and if I could let it out it would be better. It only worked maybe 2 out of 10 times. But the rest of the time, the problem was in the situation itself. I was in a bad situation, and no amount of venting was going to fix that problem. I had to take action.
 
It took a long time to realize this. It took me years and years to realize that I had all the power to change what was frustrating me. A job talking about 401ks was never my dream, and the job wasn’t going to magically change, I had to do something.
 
There is a gap of time between seeing all the negative feelings you are experiencing and knowing what your next step is. This is a REALLY uncomfortable gap. Awareness is really hard, because it is still the beginning of the process. This is the part a lot of people avoid. It's not enjoyable to see the problem and not have a solution. 
 
I hate not having a plan to make something better. I’ve been writing the last few weeks about looking at your shadow (you can catch up Week 1 here, Week 2 here, and Week 3 here) and what I have heard from you is that it’s really hard to look at the things that you don’t like about yourself. And I agree. It takes courage. 
 
Discomfort that you're feeling isn’t the enemy, it’s the signal. It’s the part of the process that tells you something is off, that you need something better. Recognizing that something feels bad is the car in front of you that turns on its blinker.  A change in behavior is coming.
 
Unfortunately, discomfort doesn’t necessarily tell you exactly what direction to turn or what to do to feel better. On the other hand, the answer is fairly simple and often overlooked. The way out of discomfort is to find what feels a little bit better, even just by 1%.
 
The answer is so simple and so small I already know that your logical mind is probably trying to argue with it. It is probably saying that can’t possibly be enough to make a difference. And yet, it is.
 
When you notice discomfort, reach for something (anything!) that will make you feel 1% better. This is the equivalent to taking a single step. When you’re not feeling good, it would be impossible to ask you to run a marathon. But you would be capable of taking one step. 
 
This is how we feel better: one step at a time. You don’t have to see the whole path, just the thing that makes you feel 1% better. And after that, you reach for the next thing that will make you feel 1% better.
 
While I was feeling really awful working that job talking about 401ks I created a morning routine where I played the Black Eyed Pea’s “I Gotta Feeling” every morning. Sometimes I danced, sometimes I just watched a video. But it lifted my spirits enough to put me in a positive mood for my commute. I probably did this for a 6 months before I figured out my next step, which was to sign up for a new fitness class and try a different evening routine. My plan was to give myself good feelings in the morning and something to look forward to at the end of the day.
 
At the time I didn’t know to reach for just 1% better. I could have made faster improvement if I took consistent baby steps.
 
I hear you when you tell me that it’s hard to look at the things that annoy you in other people because you don’t want to see that shadow part of yourself. It’s going to be an uncomfortable process.

As I look at my shadow, I've learned to incorporate more compassion, patience, and compassion with myself. I'm giving myself the gift of space and time. Just because I notice a negative part of myself doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. 

Here are some things that help me feel 1% better. Drinking more water, getting more sleep, spending a quiet minute just focusing on deep breathing. Settle and giving myself some space. Forgive yourself. Look at myself in the mirror and smile. Maybe wink at yourself if I'm feeling cheeky.
 
Right now, if you are feeling uncomfortable the best way to feel better is to let yourself have a moment to settle. Breathe. You will be amazed at the peace that comes from just a few conscious deep breaths.
 
Eventually, my curiosity about a new fitness class led me to leave my corporate job and pursue a career as a personal trainer which provided me with a great deal of personal fulfillment. But it didn't happen overnight. As much as we want change right this minute, it's about taking the small steps over time. 
 
Take a deep breath. Leave a comment and let me know one thing you can do to help yourself feel 1% better today.   
 
Sending you lots of love.