Undoing years of bad advice to find Truth

In my twenties I thought something was really wrong with me. I had a job and I was doing a fine job paying my bills and maintaining a social life. But I was completely miserable. I couldn’t meet a guy that I was interested in dating. In truth, the guy I wanted to date wasn’t interested and I was desperate to get over the unrequited love thing.
 
Actually, the real real truth? I thought something was wrong with me when it came to dating and if I was better at it then he would love me back. I thought I was broken and needed to be fixed.
 
I sought dating advice from everywhere that I could get it for free. Books. Blogs. Magazines. Friends. Movies. A lot of re-watching Sex and the City. 
 
And let me tell you that there is a lot of really bad dating advice out there. A LOT. I distinctly remember reading my Cosmo in bed one night and realizing it was all bullshit aimed to make me feel bad so I would buy more stuff. The tips were lousy. There was nothing about connection. Nothing about communicating. I declared there and then I would never buy Cosmo again. And I’ve stuck to it. I think I’ve read a Cosmo four times in the last decade, mostly because I was bored. 
 
The advice is so bad, I was ashamed of letting people know I was reading this stuff. I had no problem talking about episodes of Sex and the City with my girlfriends and privately mining it for bits of wisdom (let me save you several hundred hours: there is almost NO dating wisdom in the entire series. Please don’t turn to SATC for dating tips). But the articles and the books I was reading were hidden. I even removed the book jackets from a few because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading “Bad Girls Finish First.” I was hopeless and didn’t know where to turn.
 
And while I am sure these resources are written with the best intentions to help women, they do a lot of extra damage. A lot of the messaging is that you’re not enough. You need to be more of something else. Be sexier. Workout more. Have more confidence.

Telling someone to have more confidence is the equivalent of telling someone in the middle of a panic attack to “Calm down. Relax.” It. Doesn’t. Work.
 
Advice like this isn't specific; it sends us to surface level solutions like changing our wardrobe instead of getting deep to look at how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t get deep down to the inner place where confidence really comes from.
 
Reading these books and articles didn’t make me a better dater, and it didn’t make the guy love me any more. If anything, it probably made him more confused why I was acting strangely. I would get overly sensitive about weird things, or excuse him for standing me up and tell myself I "evolved past feeling angry." 
 
It scrambled my brains so much that it took years to undo it. I had to unlearn all these well-intentioned tips that got into my subconscious and learn to trust myself over someone else. I was running in circles for so, so long that when I started to straighten myself out it took a long time to see any progress. It felt like I was broken for a long time.

But something deep down inside never gave up on me. It saw what was possible and kept pointing me to my own True North. I couldn't find True North by listening to anyone else. 
 
Why am I, a life coach, telling you to stop listening to other people’s advice and listen to yourself? Because listening to yourself is the only way I know how to get out of the mess we are in. We aren’t taught how to listen to ourselves. I would much rather you listen to your own guidance than for you to listen to me and my advice. I hope that my stories only show you the contrast between my experiences of listening to myself and not listening to myself.  

I want you to know you are your own best expert. I have plenty of ideas. theories, practices, and tips but at the end of the day you have to listen to yourself and do what's best for you. I will always guide you back to you. Even though I know sometimes the inner voice is the one that's hardest to listen to.

If you're having a hard time listening to yourself or knowing what to do, maybe it's time we talk. Did you know I offer a free 90 minute session to anyone curious about what coaching is all about? You get to test drive a coach (me!) and ask all your questions. If you want to see if this is a fit for you, click here and book your complimentary call now. 

When My Inner Voice Contradicted My Plans

Have you heard of Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map? If this is new to you, let me quickly explain. It’s working backwards from how we typically work. We often think we will feel good when we achieve our goals. We’ll feel loved when we get the boyfriend, or when we get the job promotion. And then we get the goal and don’t feel the way we want to feel. LaPorte teaches us to work backwards. Get clear on how you want to feel, and then do whatever you can to feel that way while moving towards your dreams. The more you feel your desired feelings, the better you will feel overall. LaPorte teaches a process to help people uncover their core desired feelings so you know what to focus on creating.
 
I reflect on my core desired feelings daily. What will I do today to feel the way I want to feel? I aim my actions towards my feelings and reconnect to them often so that I stay on track.
 
One of my core desired feelings is Deeply Connected. I want to feel deeply connected in my work and in my relationships. In order to feel deeply connected to others I must first feel deeply connected to myself. And to be completely honest, I forget to do this a lot.
 
Recently, I’ve been feeling a little flighty. Not committing to things and messing up appointments. Feeling like resting and laying down instead of working hard on my business. I haven’t even felt focused when reading. I started writing four different blog posts before I realized what I was really missing was my connection to myself.
 
And a voice inside myself said that I need to rest and be calm.
 
I argued back, “But I have a blog post to write! I have a commitment to consistency. Besides, I like writing! Can’t we do the thing we like to do?”
 
My deeply connected self said, “Yes, we like writing. But can we let the us off the hook this week? I need rest.”
 
I thought about this. “What would it look like to be let off the hook?”
 
“What if we make it short?”
 
“Hmmm, I can get behind this. Keep talking, deeply connected self. What would we write about that would still feel like rest?”
 
And there was no answer other than “This.”
 
Last week I talked about the voices in our head. Yes, we all have them. They all want to be heard, and they all have a message for you to hear. They really do have your best intentions at heart and are trying to keep you safe.
 
My deeply connected self still wanted to connect with you. It wanted to honor the commitment I made to myself, my business and to you because that’s important. But it’s also important to know what’s true and how to honor what’s true.
 
Right now, I’m needing some extra rest. That’s what it means to be deeply connected. To listen to the impulses that I’m getting from my body and to actually do what it’s asking.
 
What’s one thing you can do today to feel good? What does that look like for YOU? Comment below and tell me. Then I’m going to tell you to go do exactly that. Don’t wait, do it now. 

The voices in your head are real

You’re Never Going to Get What You Want

I’m Never Going to Get What I Want

I was out for a run the other day. My breath was a bit heavy, but my body still felt strong. And I was going at my normal slow pace. I’m a very slow runner, I’ve always been hard on myself about that. I have two sides of my brain saying, “It doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you get there.” And the other side saying, “You are wasting your time. This is going to take forever. Think of all you could be doing instead.”

I run for about a mile with these two sides of my brain arguing. Back and forth. Back and forth. It’s more exhausting than the run itself. My brain can’t handle that conflict. Thankfully I realize I haven’t been listening to my book (oh my god, it’s so good. Go pick up Michael Gruber’s Tropic of Night), so I shift my focus back there. Suddenly, the run doesn’t feel so hard. It’s just one foot in front of the other, like always. The voices seem to fade away.

We all have multiple voices in our heads. You’re not crazy. It is like your car radio. Sometimes we have one station playing and it is blasting at full volume. We have the power to choose what to listen to and what volume.

Some of the voices in my head sound like this:

One voice is afraid of everything and sends me into feeling terror and desperation. It’s afraid I am going to live in a refrigerator box with stray cats as my only friends.

One constantly points out my flaws and failings and wails that I will forever be a failure so why try to be anything else?

One voice is trying really hard to get down to business. She is all work, no play. She hustles hard because all that matters are work and financial security.

Another voice is quiet, still and calm. She knows everything will be ok.

There’s a voice that is constantly cheerful, almost to a point of denial.

I could probably go on, I bet I have another half dozen characters. Can you relate?

Each voice has its own radio station on my personal dial, and a volume setting. The ones of fear, failure, and getting down to business are really loud, and sometimes spend a lot more time on the rotation of what I’m currently listening to. When that happens, my mood completely shifts. Even if I try to override a negative voice with the overly cheerful one, I feel like I am in constant conflict with myself and it feels even more exhausting. I wear myself out and then choose from some numbing behaviors, like watching Netflix or having an extra glass of wine.

How can we use our inner voices to actually help us, instead of wear us out?

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I encourage you to play with the options I offer and see what works best for you and in what situations. You don’t have to just believe me, I want you to test me.

One of your options is to play with the volume on your radio dial. Literally turn the volume down on the current station you are listening to. This often lets me shift my focus more to the present moment, like when I was running. The voices are often stuck in the future or replaying something from my past. The voices are usually anywhere BUT the present moment. If I can turn the volume down on the voice, I can shift my focus to right now. What do I have to deal with right now? Am I safe? Do I have an immediate action to take?

Another way to deal with the voices will take a little bit of time and a journal. Instead of trying to resist the voice, let it say what it needs to say. While journaling, ask what it’s purpose is and engage it in a conversation. Get curious. Why is it here, and why right now?

What I have found as a coach is that what we resist will persist, so maybe it’s best to just give in and surrender to the moment. These voices in our heads are usually appearing with good intentions and they are becoming present for a specific reason.

I usually spend a little time on this and I like to journal it out because the writing process helps me to work through the different ideas that will swirl in my brain. Sometimes the journal also helps me retain what I’m learning from the voice so I can use it next time.

The most useful thing is clear away the voices so that I can get in touch with the one that is the quietest. The quietest voice is usually the one that is in touch with my intuition and has the best insights for me. The quiet voice is confident and comes from a place of peace. It’s my highest good, and this is the place where I like to take my motivated action. If I take action that is inspired by the other voices the results are usually less favorable.

Take this week to notice your voices. What are their different personalities and what are they saying to you? How does each voice make you feel?

Noticing is the first step. We must first notice before we can make any kind of change. Without noticing, we keep doing the same thing over and over and wonder why we’re feeling stuck and producing the same results that we don’t like.

Comment below and tell me about one of your voices. What is it saying and why is it here? What does that voice want for you?

Sending love your way,

Sarah

The #1 Dealbreaker at the top of your list

A few years ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time and I shared with him that I was going to be seeing one of my exes for a friendly catch up since he was in town. Was he ok with that, I asked him. He got quiet and seemed to almost withdraw. He said he was glad I told him before it happened and he was ok with it. He seemed to be withdrawn for the rest of the night, which made me wonder what was wrong. But I was pretty certain it had nothing to do with my question.
 
It turns out he withdrew from my moment of trust, honesty and vulnerability because had been cheating on me. He cheated on me for months while we dated, and it was incredibly painful when I finally found out. I was devastated.
 
And then I looked back over our relationship and I saw dozens of little examples of moments like this. Moments where his behavior seemed a little off and dodgy, but I didn’t know why. I thought it was because I was being vulnerable and he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with me. But it was because he felt guilty that I was being so honest and he was hiding something. He was worried he’d get caught in a lie.
 
This is an extreme example of the dealbreaker that should be #1 on every person’s dating list. It is so obvious, and yet we don’t really think about it.
 
Trust. If you don’t trust the person, the relationship is automatically dead in the water.
 
Knowing whether or not you trust a person is something you can sense immediately. Do you feel like you can relax and let yourself just be who you are? Do you feel safe?
 
I should note that I am talking about early in a dating relationship that trust is a dealbreaker. When you are in a long term relationship, there are different rules and negotiations around trust and repairing broken trust.  But when you first start dating a person, you either trust the person or you don’t. That is the starting point and it’s not going to get any better if you don’t trust the person.
 
I encourage you to check in with yourself regularly at the beginning of a relationship with a person. Ask yourself how you feel around the other person. Check in as you get ready for the date, at the beginning, middle and end.  
 
It’s a simple and straightforward blog today because it’s a simple concept. Even though you won’t have any of your instincts tell you to look for trust, when you do look you know. Your instincts will actually tell you to look if you are compatible to make great babies, but that’s a completely different blog post. You have to be consciously asking yourself if you feel you can trust the person.
 
What is one memory you have when you look back and know that you didn’t trust the person? Comment and tell me your story. Noticing these moments in the rear view mirror will make them easier to see in the future when you are in the moment. Take a step forward by noticing patterns from the past.

Am I the Only One with Royal Wedding Envy?

I felt something really interesting start to happen as I watched the royal wedding, it started as a twitch inside. I saw how pretty Megan Markle looked, I saw the way her husband looked at her and interacted, and I saw how special that day was for them and all the good energy surrounding them. Not to mention the opulence of Windsor Castle, all those flowers and beautiful things, and a chorus of people singing and musicians playing. There was this nagging voice that kept telling me that is something I don’t have and could never have. It would always be something I watched on a screen.
 
I was feeling jealous.
 
There was this inner voice that was comparing myself to Megan Markle and the voice kept telling me I would never be enough. Not pretty enough. Not graceful enough. Not rich enough. Not loved enough.

And this voice was nasty. It was attacking me for all the things I wasn’t and would never be. All the things I could never have and didn’t deserve. And it kept telling me to make my dreams smaller so that I could actually get them someday (maybe).
 
Can anyone relate?
 
When jealousy hits there are a few ways we can process it. The way that is most familiar is to let it come over us and take over. Jealousy has been the cause for a lot of bad behavior, it’s even been used to justify murder. When this happens, you might lash out in anger against others. And pretty soon it feels like the whole day is tanking, going down the tubes.
 
But there is another way.
 
Jealousy happens because it appears that someone else has something that you don’t. If they have it, then it must be all gone and you can’t have it. This type of thinking is thinking that things are limited resources. It is thinking from a place of lack.

What if that wasn’t true at all? What if your feelings of jealousy was only a signal? And what if there was plenty of everything you wanted and needed- enough for you and everyone else?
 
When I feel jealous, I use it as a way to check in with myself to find what is really behind that feeling. I use jealousy as a way to check in with my desires. What is the dream that I am longing for that I see in someone else?
 
When I watched the wedding, I felt such a surge of jealousy when I saw how they looked at each other. They seemed to look at each other with so much love, tenderness and appreciation. And instead of letting the angry voice get the better of me, I recognized that I want those warm feelings of connection and love with a romantic partner.
 
After I identify the feeling I am longing for, I search for where those feelings already exist in my life. I might not be marrying a prince, but I already have feelings of love, connection and tenderness.
 
I look at my friendships and family to find examples of those feelings I want. And I look for examples where I give it to myself, and where can I do that more often? What makes me feel loved, connected and tender? The first thing that comes to mind is my morning ritual of wrapping myself in a fuzzy towel right after I shower. 
 
When I look for examples of the feelings I am longing for, I am normally shocked at how much it shows up in my life without my noticing. Now that I notice it more often, the goal of a romantic partner doesn’t feel as unattainable or desperate because they are being created in other places. It is my job to notice and create it for myself.
 
Gratitude will also multiply the feelings  If you want more love, be grateful for the love you have. You will notice it more and more and you will see more coming your way.
 
Little things snowball to bigger things, even if it doesn't always come in the way I expect it. I can celebrate the spirit of the royal wedding and find love and connection in my own way without expecting a prince to come knocking at my door. The practice of noticing where it is already showing up in your life prepares you to notice it when it appears in an unlikely way.
 
We have the power to choose our response. We can’t control what happens to us, but we choose how we want to respond. The royal wedding happened. I could be jealous and angry at Megan Markle for having such a fabulous life. Or I can notice that what I’m longing for is connection, love and tenderness and I can look for ways that I can cultivate and appreciate that in my life.
 

What would you choose? Comment below and let me know your number one takeaway about jealousy. Look back at a time when you are jealous and what do you think the lesson is? 

Deal with Feelings of Discomfort Right Now

Is all this shadow work feeling uncomfortable?

I hear you! It is definitely some of the most uncomfortable work I have ever done. If you are feeling uncomfortable or resistant, you are exactly where you need to be. You're in good company, and the discomfort means the process is working. 

I used to have this regular get together with my girl friends and we called it Bitchin’ and Boozin’. The entire purpose was to complain to each other while drinking cocktails. We gathered once a month on Saturday night and listened to each other as we unleashed everything that we thought was wrong in our world. And then the rest of the group would be supportive by saying “That’s awful! You should never be treated that way! You deserve better!” Our intention had been to dump out all the bad and get pumped up by our friends.
 
At the time I was working a corporate job, it was during the 2008 recession, and I was helping people understand their 401ks. I was angry and depressed a lot of the time. I complained about my job a lot.

After a few months of Bitchin' and Boozin' I noticed I didn’t feel any better the next day. Sometimes I felt worse. In the process of trying to feel better, I somehow made myself feel worse?! Now I couldn't ignore or deny what was bugging me. It was all out there, in the open, and the way I was doing things wasn't working. Looking at the mess was painful.
 
I didn’t know what to do with everything out in the open. I literally thought that if I could just vent my frustrations I would be able to cope better with the situation. I thought that the problem was that I was repressing some emotion, and if I could let it out it would be better. It only worked maybe 2 out of 10 times. But the rest of the time, the problem was in the situation itself. I was in a bad situation, and no amount of venting was going to fix that problem. I had to take action.
 
It took a long time to realize this. It took me years and years to realize that I had all the power to change what was frustrating me. A job talking about 401ks was never my dream, and the job wasn’t going to magically change, I had to do something.
 
There is a gap of time between seeing all the negative feelings you are experiencing and knowing what your next step is. This is a REALLY uncomfortable gap. Awareness is really hard, because it is still the beginning of the process. This is the part a lot of people avoid. It's not enjoyable to see the problem and not have a solution. 
 
I hate not having a plan to make something better. I’ve been writing the last few weeks about looking at your shadow (you can catch up Week 1 here, Week 2 here, and Week 3 here) and what I have heard from you is that it’s really hard to look at the things that you don’t like about yourself. And I agree. It takes courage. 
 
Discomfort that you're feeling isn’t the enemy, it’s the signal. It’s the part of the process that tells you something is off, that you need something better. Recognizing that something feels bad is the car in front of you that turns on its blinker.  A change in behavior is coming.
 
Unfortunately, discomfort doesn’t necessarily tell you exactly what direction to turn or what to do to feel better. On the other hand, the answer is fairly simple and often overlooked. The way out of discomfort is to find what feels a little bit better, even just by 1%.
 
The answer is so simple and so small I already know that your logical mind is probably trying to argue with it. It is probably saying that can’t possibly be enough to make a difference. And yet, it is.
 
When you notice discomfort, reach for something (anything!) that will make you feel 1% better. This is the equivalent to taking a single step. When you’re not feeling good, it would be impossible to ask you to run a marathon. But you would be capable of taking one step. 
 
This is how we feel better: one step at a time. You don’t have to see the whole path, just the thing that makes you feel 1% better. And after that, you reach for the next thing that will make you feel 1% better.
 
While I was feeling really awful working that job talking about 401ks I created a morning routine where I played the Black Eyed Pea’s “I Gotta Feeling” every morning. Sometimes I danced, sometimes I just watched a video. But it lifted my spirits enough to put me in a positive mood for my commute. I probably did this for a 6 months before I figured out my next step, which was to sign up for a new fitness class and try a different evening routine. My plan was to give myself good feelings in the morning and something to look forward to at the end of the day.
 
At the time I didn’t know to reach for just 1% better. I could have made faster improvement if I took consistent baby steps.
 
I hear you when you tell me that it’s hard to look at the things that annoy you in other people because you don’t want to see that shadow part of yourself. It’s going to be an uncomfortable process.

As I look at my shadow, I've learned to incorporate more compassion, patience, and compassion with myself. I'm giving myself the gift of space and time. Just because I notice a negative part of myself doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. 

Here are some things that help me feel 1% better. Drinking more water, getting more sleep, spending a quiet minute just focusing on deep breathing. Settle and giving myself some space. Forgive yourself. Look at myself in the mirror and smile. Maybe wink at yourself if I'm feeling cheeky.
 
Right now, if you are feeling uncomfortable the best way to feel better is to let yourself have a moment to settle. Breathe. You will be amazed at the peace that comes from just a few conscious deep breaths.
 
Eventually, my curiosity about a new fitness class led me to leave my corporate job and pursue a career as a personal trainer which provided me with a great deal of personal fulfillment. But it didn't happen overnight. As much as we want change right this minute, it's about taking the small steps over time. 
 
Take a deep breath. Leave a comment and let me know one thing you can do to help yourself feel 1% better today.   
 
Sending you lots of love.

The next step is willingness

The above quote is from Jill Bolte Taylor, author of Stroke of Genius. When she had a stroke, she became incredibly attuned to the energy around her. This is the note she posted on the door to her room in the hospital, asking everyone that entered to take responsibility for themselves and what they are bringing into her space. This is where we will begin our work today- are you willing to take responsibility?

Last week I talked about compassion and developing a relationship with yourself like you are your own best friend. (If you missed it, you can read it here) Sometimes we teach what we need to know, and I called on my self-compassion a lot last week.
 
How could I soften and be a bit kinder to myself? Where was I pushing too hard? Where were my expectations out of whack? And where could I say some nice words to myself.
 
I want to talk about this topic a bit more and will return share some practices that are working for me, but before I do that I need to practice them myself a little bit more. I only want to share and teach what works for me in reality, not just in theory. I’m on my own journey, just like everyone else, and it comes with learning curves and lessons. And I often mess up and teach from the lessons I learn there.
 
Today, I want to continue to talk about recognizing the shadow. After we are practicing healthy compassion for ourselves, we can start to look inward with curiosity. It’s a bit more complicated because our shadow is out of sight and behind us. This is by design. It’s how it became the shadow in the first place.
 
I started doing work to see my shadow over a year ago, and it’s just barely scraping the surface. Things didn’t really reveal themselves when I first started. I had a few things come to the surface of my awareness, but it was like scratching the surface with just my finger nails. Not much was being revealed.
 
I have also had family members point out some of my shadow traits to me (hi Mom, thanks for reading and trying to help me!). People I love and whose opinions I trust. I still denied them, because I wasn’t ready yet. I needed to personally cultivate more self-love and compassion before I could face those parts of myself. I needed to be able to see them and still love who I am and know that it’s not the end of the world. It won’t collapse, people will still love me, and most importantly I will still love me.
 
I wasn’t listening to the people around me, so how did I start to find my shadow? I looked at what annoyed me the most in others. The way that it works is that we project our shadow qualities onto others and notice it in them. So the parts of other people that annoy you the most are actually just a reflection of your own shadow.
 
It looks like this. I get really annoyed by know-it-alls. I hate that they parade their opinions around like it’s the only thing that matters, and there is no room for other people. Guess what my shadow is? I’m a know-it-all with an attitude that my opinion is the right one and no one else could possibly right.
 
Do I logically think this is true? Absolutely, emphatically not. But it’s my shadow, functioning way below my logical mind.
 
I have been working on noticing my shadow in this way for a while now, and sometimes things still escape me and I deny, deny, deny. What I needed was a wakeup call. I had a situation where the stakes were high, I lost my shit, and realized I didn’t like what had happened. I want to take 100% ownership of how I am showing up in this world, so I looked inward and asked myself “Where did that come from? What do I dislike about my behavior just then?”
 
I talked it through with a coach, and got it all out. I literally had a temper tantrum, and said all the thoughts that I had been repressing.
 
This method worked for me because I had someone that was willing to be compassionate enough to just hold space for me to have my big feelings and emotions. To let them all out without judgement. After I cleared my head, I could look at what I had been thinking and start to reflect on it. I could see these unconscious parts of myself that were running the show. They were making choices for my behavior, like I was running on autopilot.
 
I wrote them all down. All these parts of myself that made me feel ashamed, too much or not enough, not worthy of love and respect, and too complicated.
 
If you are interested in looking at your shadow so that you can learn to integrate and fully accept and love yourself, here are the steps you can take.
 

1. First, cultivate your self-compassion and find your personal center. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself like your best friend talks to you with love, acceptance and forgiveness.  
2. Next, check in with yourself and ask if you are willing to see. Ask yourself, am I willing to look at my whole self, even the parts that make me feel ashamed, not good enough, not worthy of love? 0
3. Notice what annoys you about other people. Keep a list of these things. You don’t have to do anything other than keep a list.

 
This process takes time. It’s not something that happens once, and you’re done. It unfolds as you become ready. There is no pressure to hurry through it. I think this is a large part about what it means to be a human being, and we can dance with this for our entire life.
 
You also have the right to NEVER do this! The alternative is that you get to keep all the things that annoy you about other people. You can make it all outward, make it about other people. That is completely ok. It’s a defense mechanism for a reason, and you can absolutely keep it as long as it serves you.
 
If you’re ready to do the work and start looking inward, I’m here for you. I’m happy to hold space, like a giant trash can that you can spill everything into. You can ask a friend, a pastor, a counselor, a coach, or any trusted person that has the capacity to listen and hold the space without judgement. Let yourself be witnessed. 

We will continue next week. Until then, hit reply and tell me your biggest takeaway from today. It might be an area you are willing to look at. It might be that you realize you're not ready to go there yet. Whatever it is, I want to hear from you! 

It starts with self compassion

Last week I shared a look at my shadow side. I heard from a lot of you that felt like you had some similar experiences. You told me that even though your shadow qualities were different from mine, you could relate to feeling shame around these negative qualities and feeling like you needed to fix them.
 
Which made me think that I probably need to back up a little bit and explain more about how a shadow works. And backing up even farther because, honestly, nothing about you needs to be fixed. You are uniquely you, flaws and all. 
 
Accepting your shadow is a process that is quite complicated because it involves so much negative emotion. Before we can even talk about looking at your shadow and identifying it, I want you to have tools in place to support you through the process.
 
The shadow is made up of all the bits of yourself that feel are not worthy of love and acceptance. These are the parts that you pushed away because as a child you thought they were unlovable. And a child's logic is all about surviving- unloveable means no one will take care of him/her and she/he will die. This is why the shadow is formed in the first place. It's a coping mechanism to make sure we continue to get love and care.

In our childlike brain, hiding the bad means we will survive. The stakes are very high in our brains. In order to even be ready to look at the shadow, we have to be ready to deal with the consequences. And to do that we need self-compassion.
 
When we look at our darker side we are going to be fighting hard against our self-image that we are a “good” person. Each one of us has an ego (another loaded word, which deserves its own separate blog post) that wants to be seen as “good” and “special”. This is a part of the human experience, and it is not a bad quality to want to be seen as good and special. It is simply human nature.
 
When we try to face the parts of us that we don’t like within the self, the natural reaction is to be harsh and judgmental. We want to fight against it and disown it. This is where the reaction to “fix” comes into play. We think that if we can fix things then people will love us, and everything will be ok.
 
Let me say this again. There is nothing to fix. Accept, love, embrace- yes. That’s where the work is. It is not about changing anything about yourself.
 
But, HOW?
 
Everyone talks a big game about self-love but what does it actually mean? What it really gets down to is knowing yourself really well so that you know what your needs are and then making sure those are met. When we have our needs met, we can show up with love and compassion (which extends to our self and others).
 
When I try to identify my needs I think about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Do I have ample food, water, shelter, clothing, and enough sleep, which all relate to physical needs. Do I feel safe- which includes physical safety, financial safety, and health and well-being? Do I feel like I belong to a friend group, my family and intimate relationships? 
 
And then the biggie. Do I have self-esteem? Am I taking care of our needs for self-worth? Am I acknowledging my gifts and what I bring to the world?
 
Oof. This is heavy stuff. It’s really deep for a blog.  Stick with me.
 
Think about it like you are treating yourself like your own best friend. Your best friend wants you to be happy. So they want to make sure you have what you need. If you’re sick, they bring you soup. If you’re having a crappy day, they listen and tell you it’s going to be ok. They tell you that you’re awesome and they love you and support you no matter what.
 
When was the last time you did this for yourself? Do you tell yourself “you got this” when you hit a bump in the road of life? Do you brush yourself off, pick up and keep going when you fail? Do you tell yourself “Damn, you look good today!” when looking in the mirror?
 
When we extend kindness to ourselves in the way that our best friend would, we are building our esteem as well as our sense of belonging. Because you belong to yourself first before you belong anyplace else. This is compassion for the self. This is the journey: to accept the good and the bad. And it takes practice, it doesn’t happen over night. It’s so much easier to do it for another person than to do it for the self, but this is
 
So before I get deeper into recognizing your shadow, I want to ask you- do you think you have worth? Do you see it? Do you feel like you are enough?
 
This week, I encourage you to look at your self talk. Do you beat yourself up for making mistakes? Do you expect perfectionism and get angry when you fail? How do you handle failures? Or have you learned to be your own best friend as say “That’s ok, it will get better. I’m here for you.”
 
Hit reply to this email and let me know your big takeaway from today’s post. How are you doing with your self compassion? Where can you be your own best friend? 

Bless this Mess

Like the embroidered pin cushion, I'm not apologizing for my mess. I accept it.

Last week was a challenge for me.
 
I was playing a silly made-up game with cards to identify our past, present and future. When I excitedly drew the card that would represent my present, it was blank. My present was blank. And my immediate reaction was “That’s exactly how I feel right now.”
 
Last week I was consumed with emotions that I just went a bit numb. I was low energy. I wasn’t completely present with people. I was just trying to get through.
 
What brought this on? I had an overwhelming confrontation with my own shadow. If you’re not familiar with the term shadow, let me start with an example. You know how in Peter Pan he gets separated from his shadow? Peter doesn’t feel whole without his shadow, it’s an important part of who he is. His shadow is mischievous and playful. It enjoys making Peter chase him, and it doesn’t really want to be captured. When Wendy sews the shadow back, Peter feels whole again.
 
Carl Jung really popularized shadow work, and while it has taken many forms in the self-development world, I still resonate most deeply with his work. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." The shadow is the part of oneself that we do not see. Just like when an object stands in the sun, the shadow is cast behind and mostly stays out of view. A person’s shadow is the dark side that is hard to see in oneself, but easier to see in another person.
 
The shadow is normally the place where we have disowned parts of the self, and may contain what we categorize the more “negative” emotions like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, etc. The more we hide them and fight against them, the stronger they grow.
 
Last week, my shadow hit a point where it would not be ignored any longer. It stepped out, loud and clear, and demanded my attention. My shadow was reflected back to me as clearly as my own reflection in a mirror. The veil I use to hide this part dropped and there it was:
I’m self-righteous and have high expectations
I’m a know-it-all with a holier-than-thou attitude
I’m bossy
I burn white hot and I don’t care if you get burned in my process
I’m more stubborn than a pack of mules
I’m judgmental
I’m self-centered
I give way too many fucks, and it drives me crazy which I sometimes take out on others
 
It’s hard to write this because I have a tendency to beat myself up for my flaws and be way too hard on myself. I do not share them as a way to do that, but as a way to free myself from the shame I carry with my shadow. It’s hard to write, and it feels as vulnerable as stripping naked in front of you. Nowhere to hide. Look, like or don’t like, leave or stay. This is me, fully and completely. My intention is to bring in the light and to integrate these parts more fully into myself with compassion.
 
I spend a lot of my time trying to mask these traits or keep them in check, like a shirt that doesn’t want to stay tucked in. And I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting them, so I’m giving up the fight and accepting them as a part of me.
 
It’s important for the process and for my own mental health to accept that the shadow isn’t wrong. Part of the process I am going through is to see them for the purpose they are serving and their benefits. For me, these traits are actually what make me a great coach. It also helps me to be an achiever and accomplish a lot of things that other people don’t attempt. I can make decisions quickly, and I’m comfortable in leadership roles. I get shit done.
 
They also protect my heart. When I feel like I’m in danger of being hurt, the shadow lashes out to protect me. Sometimes these protective dogs are a little too eager to jump out.  Last week my shadow was unbalanced, and overeager to protect. Thankfully I have support from my coach to help navigate it. I know I don’t have to “fix” or “heal” my shadow.
 
But what I feel called to do is to soften.
 
I don’t need Dobermans on the attack anytime someone gets close.
 
Danielle LaPorte says, “Open, gentle heart. Big fucking fence.” Brene Brown says, “Strong back, soft front, wild heart.” I’m not great at soft. It’s practice. It’s opening. It’s making missteps when I lash out and feel like I’m in danger. It’s relying on old practices instead of questioning and discovering what is really working for me.
 
And here is what is helping me. Here is my personal pep talk.
 
Process. Progress. Not perfection.
 
Courage, dear heart. The journey of living a life full out doesn’t come without pain and mistakes. It’s messy. But we hope that if we use those mistakes to learn and grow, that we become more of our authentic self. That we can live our best life each day. And that the people who love us forgive us for our missteps (and we extend the same to them) because we are going through this as an individual and as a pack of humans.
 
Next week I will talk more about identifying your shadow and how to begin to dance with it. It’s not a fight or a struggle, no one wins in that. We want to find ways to embrace all of ourselves, even the stuff we hide away and feel ashamed of. We are whole beings, full or light and dark. That’s what life is. We want all of it to be a part of our experience. 

What resonates for you from this? What is your takeaway? I'm going to continue talking about our shadow- how to identify it and how to accept it- next time. What questions do you have about your shadow?

Think the universe is sending you a sign?

Does it ever feel like the universe is telling you to reach out to an ex?

No? Just me?

Do you ever feel like the universe is sending you a sign? You weren’t even asking or looking for a sign, and yet there it was? As clear as day and undeniable.
 
Maybe this seems familiar. I have gone through this cycle so many times, it feels like a song as familiar to my brain as “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies (admit it, you know all the words too). Here is a common situation. I’ve been broken up with the ex long enough that I’m not thinking about him all the time. And then a certain song comes on the radio that reminds me of our relationship. And then I drive by a restaurant where he took me to dinner, and I see an ad for a rerun of that TV episode that made us laugh so hard.  These must be signs, right? I’m supposed to reach out to my ex!
 
The romantic part of me says that it’s a great idea to reach out. But it’s not the universe, it’s my brain. My brain is making me think that I’m being given mysterious clues, but it’s just neuroscience. I hate to be the bearer of bad news if you are like me and see the grand romantic movie plot unfolding in my life. But it’s really just science. Here’s what’s really going on.
 
When our brain gets excited about something, it subconsciously starts looking for it more. So, when that special song came on the radio I thought “Oh wow, I this makes me think of George.” (I’ve never dated a George, it’s just an example) And since time has probably passed since George and I dated, I have warm, happy memories come back. Our brains are great at forgetting pain, hurt, and anger, especially after a long period of time. Our brain will subconsciously decide to look for more things that make me think about George.
 
I knooooow, this is really an unfair trick of the brain. Making us do things subconsciously...jeez… And to make matters worse, the brain then uses confirmation bias to prove that this subconscious thought it correct, so it spends all it’s time scanning for proof that you’re right. So, after hearing that one song, it is purposefully looking for other validation to think about George.
 
If you find yourself thinking you’re getting a sign, you have a choice to make. Behind Door #1 you can reach out to your ex. Behind Door #2 you can take a time out.
 
Let’s say you choose Door #1. I can’t say for certain what will happen. Things change all the time, and situations surprise us. In my experience, however, exes belong in the past because they are an ex for a reason. Warm, fuzzy memories will stick around for a little while through the honeymoon phase but pretty soon the same problems that were there the first time will come back.
 
Behind Door #2, you take a pause and choose yourself. Recognize that your brain is doing what it was designed to do, but you can also break the patterns. Refocus on yourself and think about what makes you happy. Focus on your own happiness, just for a moment. What’s a song that you love to dance to? Maybe do some yoga or get some exercise. Take a hot shower or a nice relaxing bath. Fill yourself with good feelings, and re-evaluate the situation after you are feeling really happy with yourself. What do you really want?

Sometimes those signs are pointing to something that you really do want. Sometimes it's just an illusion. But the best way to discern is to do so when you're feeling happy and full. From that satisfied place, you can look at what's happening and what is true. Just like you don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry, don't make decisions when you're feeling less than happy and full.
 
I’ll be the first one to be honest and tell you that relationships are tricky. We get flooded with feel-good chemicals, and we want to feel those again. It can feel like things are a little bit out of your control, and that’s ok because we all feel that way. The best way to take control of your life is to return to the most important relationship – the one you have with yourself. The stronger that relationship, the stronger you are in the world.
 
How do you make an investment in your relationship with yourself? What activities make you happy? Hit reply and tell me what you do to make yourself a priority.
 
Lots of love,
Sarah

PS. I love this topic, and next week I will explore the difference between intuition and impulse. This is something I am constantly revisiting, because it is evolving in my life. if you have stories about intuition and impulses, please send them my way!