In my twenties I thought something was really wrong with me. I had a job and I was doing a fine job paying my bills and maintaining a social life. But I was completely miserable. I couldn’t meet a guy that I was interested in dating. In truth, the guy I wanted to date wasn’t interested and I was desperate to get over the unrequited love thing.
 
Actually, the real real truth? I thought something was wrong with me when it came to dating and if I was better at it then he would love me back. I thought I was broken and needed to be fixed.
 
I sought dating advice from everywhere that I could get it for free. Books. Blogs. Magazines. Friends. Movies. A lot of re-watching Sex and the City. 
 
And let me tell you that there is a lot of really bad dating advice out there. A LOT. I distinctly remember reading my Cosmo in bed one night and realizing it was all bullshit aimed to make me feel bad so I would buy more stuff. The tips were lousy. There was nothing about connection. Nothing about communicating. I declared there and then I would never buy Cosmo again. And I’ve stuck to it. I think I’ve read a Cosmo four times in the last decade, mostly because I was bored. 
 
The advice is so bad, I was ashamed of letting people know I was reading this stuff. I had no problem talking about episodes of Sex and the City with my girlfriends and privately mining it for bits of wisdom (let me save you several hundred hours: there is almost NO dating wisdom in the entire series. Please don’t turn to SATC for dating tips). But the articles and the books I was reading were hidden. I even removed the book jackets from a few because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading “Bad Girls Finish First.” I was hopeless and didn’t know where to turn.
 
And while I am sure these resources are written with the best intentions to help women, they do a lot of extra damage. A lot of the messaging is that you’re not enough. You need to be more of something else. Be sexier. Workout more. Have more confidence.

Telling someone to have more confidence is the equivalent of telling someone in the middle of a panic attack to “Calm down. Relax.” It. Doesn’t. Work.
 
Advice like this isn't specific; it sends us to surface level solutions like changing our wardrobe instead of getting deep to look at how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t get deep down to the inner place where confidence really comes from.
 
Reading these books and articles didn’t make me a better dater, and it didn’t make the guy love me any more. If anything, it probably made him more confused why I was acting strangely. I would get overly sensitive about weird things, or excuse him for standing me up and tell myself I "evolved past feeling angry." 
 
It scrambled my brains so much that it took years to undo it. I had to unlearn all these well-intentioned tips that got into my subconscious and learn to trust myself over someone else. I was running in circles for so, so long that when I started to straighten myself out it took a long time to see any progress. It felt like I was broken for a long time.

But something deep down inside never gave up on me. It saw what was possible and kept pointing me to my own True North. I couldn't find True North by listening to anyone else. 
 
Why am I, a life coach, telling you to stop listening to other people’s advice and listen to yourself? Because listening to yourself is the only way I know how to get out of the mess we are in. We aren’t taught how to listen to ourselves. I would much rather you listen to your own guidance than for you to listen to me and my advice. I hope that my stories only show you the contrast between my experiences of listening to myself and not listening to myself.  

I want you to know you are your own best expert. I have plenty of ideas. theories, practices, and tips but at the end of the day you have to listen to yourself and do what's best for you. I will always guide you back to you. Even though I know sometimes the inner voice is the one that's hardest to listen to.

If you're having a hard time listening to yourself or knowing what to do, maybe it's time we talk. Did you know I offer a free 90 minute session to anyone curious about what coaching is all about? You get to test drive a coach (me!) and ask all your questions. If you want to see if this is a fit for you, click here and book your complimentary call now.